temptation and confession

My old temptation came out of no where again today. Having a great day and BAM. Ugh. I fought with all that is within me, but I wonder, why today. I have done so well with walking away from it all and then today it all came flooding back. It was like I was the same place I had been several months ago. Even now as I write this, thoughts are swirling in my mind. . . what if, just for a moment, I went down this road again? Would it really be that bad? Just a taste, a hint, a touch of this particular temptation. So frustrating. I have done so very well walking away from it all and now it's back and I feel like I can't shake it. It is just staring me in the face. No one knows of this particular temptation. I have kept it very well hidden. Maybe that is part of the problem. Maybe I should talk to someone. Yeah, that's not going to happen though. I'm not up for the "classification" that would come with confessing something like this. At times like this, I almost wish that I was Catholic so that I could go to a priest and confess.

It's official. I have lost my joy. Wednesday night prayer meetings have always been such a joy for me, but tonight it was different. I am worried and I can't shake it. I am doubting God. I have to move next year, which originally I was planning on doing anyway, but I found out yesterday that although the local school does provide all day Kindergarten, it is tuition based. I was counting on not having to pay tuition or childcare next year. And get this, the tuition is higher than what I am paying for my daughter's preschool this year! I am not doubting that God will provide a place to live, I am just thinking that it will be a tiny two bedroom apartment far away from work and church. Or worse, in the city. My aunt is trying to get me to buy this rediculously cheap mobile home just because it is so cheap. It is a two bedroom that needs work and it's in the junky park where it is just these homes parked on concrete. No grass, no area for the kids to play, about 3o minutes from church and 40 minutes from work, but she's convinced that I should take it. It's what I can afford after all. That right there is my fear. That that is what I will be stuck with. God says that He will provide our needs, not our wants. That trailer would provide shelter for us, that is a need. Yet it is nothing that I would ever want. There was this house that my boss was considering buying and renting out to me that I was in love with. A three bedroom ranch, two car attached garage, a full finished basement, 4 acres of land (surrounded by farm land that my boss would also buy and farm), literally 2 minutes from church and about 5 minutes from work. I fell in love with it! Now it looks like it is falling through. Even if it didn't fall through, I couldn't afford to rent it with this added tuition expense next year. Yes, my joy is gone. Doubt has taken over. I feel selfish and petty and oh so distant from Him right now. For the first time in a very long time, I am not content. This feels so strange and just ucky. :(

Days like this

I am definitely having one of those days. One of those days that I would love to have a husband. A man to support me, encourage me, love me and provide me with added strength. A man to bring joy into my life. A man to be a shield of protection for me and for my children. It's just one of those days. I understand that God is the husband to the husbandless and father to the fatherless, and He has proven Himself to be just that time and time again. But on days like today, I feel the need for a man of flesh, bone and muscle to be here. To feel his arms around me and to know that no matter what, we are in this together. I hate days like this. I hate feeling so weak and powerless. I hate longing for something that I don't have and very well may never have. "I need you Jesus, to come to my rescue. Where else can I go?" How do I get through days like this?

Protection

I will not throw up. I am trying to trust. I am trying to rest in His arms, but on days like today, it seems very difficult. I do all that I can to protect my children but unfortunately I have to let them go where they are not as protected. It is then that I have to trust Him. This makes no sense I know. Last night I found out that my former step-son and his family have moved back to the area. I loved this boy as my own. He was however molested by a member of my ex-husband's family. His mother never dealt with it (and neither did the family of the molester and the main reason I try to distance my children from that family as much as possible). On top of his molestation, he has been exposed to pornography on a regular basis since he was a young child. It doesn't take a genius to realize that it is very likely that he will repeat the actions taken on him. Now that he has moved back to the area, my ex-husband wants to have my children and my former step-son together for joint visitations. I have no legal ground to stand on. My ex-husband is not exactly an involved parent, even when he has the kids there. They are typically fed McDonald's and pizza and left to play video games and watch TV. It would be very easy for something to happen to one of my children. I know he thinks that I'm paranoid, but I don't think I am being so. If my step-son had received counseling and lived in a healthy family environment, I would not be near as concerned. I just want my ex to realize that the possibility is there. I think he views his son as just an innocent little boy still, but he is going to be 13 in a couple of months (the age that the molester was) and since he has not been given the tools to deal with this trauma, it is very likely that he will act out what he has been exposed to. Ugh, I feel so nauseous. I literally woke up this morning wanting to puke. I scheduled a "friendly" dinner for Friday night to meet with my ex and his fiance' where I am going to try and address my concerns. I don't know how it will be received. I want my tone to be positive but I want the seriousness of the situation to be understood. Oh, and I don't want to throw up, which I still feel like doing. Father help me.

three days

3 days. for three days i have been fighting you. you made it very clear what you wanted me to do, but i have fought. and now this is the third night that i have not slept. i know that i'm fighting and that i'm going against your Word, but i just don't feel ready to take it on. plus, i don't even know how to ask you for forgiveness. i don't know where to start. i feel so weak. i feel so useless. i don't like this at all, but i don't want to travel this road you have put before me. so what do i do? do i just continue to fight you and be miserable? or do i finally sacrifice my pride and my hurt and start this journey. i don't feel strong enough. and i don't want to let go of my anger yet. but i don't like who i am right now. i don't like not being in fellowship with you. so where do i begin? can i really just ask for forgiveness and you will simply forgive? don't i need to feel more "broken" over all of this? i'm tired. physically, emotionally, spiritually. i'm just tired. your faithfulness is new every morning right? so can i wait till morning? or is that just proving the point that i'm still not surrendering to you? i don't know. i just know it's been a long three days.

J the megaphone

Feeling better today. Just drained. My meeting with my pastor went well and I was also able to talk to my "consequences" friend (J). He is such a good man. He has this amazing heart, but sometimes it doesn't always come through. He understood more than I gave him credit for, but he also saw some areas in my life that I needed to work on. He asked if I was praying that my ex and I reconcile. I told him a resounding "NO!" He gently started talking to me about how that is Biblical. I knew that I needed to pray for his salvation, but to reconcile? Even if he got saved and became this amazing godly man, I still want nothing to do with my ex! J (in his gently honest way) talked to me about having a Christ-like attitude towards my ex and that I need to believe that God is capable of saving him. It's still a bit much to take, but I know that he is right. The funny thing is, I don't know that I would have listened to anyone else tell me this kind of thing. It is very hard to hear, but I have come to love that about J. He will say what is not always easy because he genuinely cares. Ugh, still don't like hearing it. Need to pray about all this though. As drained as I feel in dealing with all this, it's good to know that He still holds me in His hand. He also understands the pain that is still resounding in my heart, even after all these years. Funny, I thought I was over all the crap that my ex did and how he hurt me. Leave it to J to point it out to me. I swear, some days it's like he is the Holy Spirit's megaphone when I won't listen any other way. So now that I got the message, I have to decide how I will respond.

Deja' vu

So I finally start to dream and begin thinking about opening up my heart and I hear the news that my ex is engaged . . . again. Ironic? I hate that it bothers me to hear this, but it does. Not because of feelings for my ex but it just doesn't seem right. He is the one that put me through a living hell for five years, and yet he is the one to find love? He gets to be the one that gets married? My kids are going to be in his wedding? Where is the justice in that? He causes all the pain and then reaps all the reward. It just doesn't seem right. Where the heck are his consequences??

Dreams & hope

Some days it is very easy to dream. What if God brought an amazing man into my life? What if I actually did remarry? What if I could stay home and homeschool my kids. What if I had that man, confidant, friend, lover, leader and supporter? How different my life would be. I have finished a study that I was doing with my aunt on divorce and I have ended up coming to a similar position that I held before, which surprised me. I do believe that Biblically, I am free to remarry. Over the past several months, I had pretty much determined that I would never remarry. I came to terms with that and have lived my life as such. Recently however, I am beginning to wonder again. There is not one man around that I think would qualify, but I just wonder if God will still someday bring him into my life. The little bit I have thought about this scares me a little. All of those same heart desires come rushing back. Those things that I long for deep inside my soul. I almost want to start praying again for God to bring me a husband, but I am too fearful to do that. I am fearful for two reasons. One, I don't want to be always thinking about this and to slip back into a mindset that my "single situation" is temporary. And two, I'm scared to pray and allow myself to express these desires to God and then have Him tell me no again. I have done a pretty good job at closing off my heart to the possibility. Dare I open it again? How do I know what God's will is here? I know that if He happens to bring that specific man into my life, then it is pretty obvious, but what do I do until, or if, that day ever comes? Do I allow myself to be open to this again, or do I keep my heart shut down? I could sure go for a Heavenly crystal ball right about now. I love my life. Even the trials. They are changing and molding me day by day. But what if there is more? I just want to know if it is okay to hope again.

All good things must come to an end

He will just never get it, which is okay, but it seems odd. Fortunately he has never had this kind of thing touch his life. Blessed in that way is he, so I don't think he will ever understand. He can be understanding (at much as he is being), but he will never understand. He wasn't there with me as I walked through this pain and I have kept him from seeing this part of my life a bit. My ex is pretty much the underbelly of society. Before I met him, I honestly did not believe that people like him existed. I thought that the stories about such people were simply sensationalized to sell headlines and increase ratings. He exposed to a whole new level of society that I never thought would ever brush up against my world much less saturate my life for a while. So my friend will never see it or understand it, unless God forbid, this touches his life some way.

As far as my pain and his "consequences" comment, that bothers me more. I can't excuse that with simple lack of knowledge. True, I do not talk about the pain and guilt I feel from those decisions on a regular basis, but I thought that he knew me better than that. I had hoped that he would be a bit more understanding and compassionate. I know that he is a bit rough around the edges, but I do have some thick skin when it comes to dealing with other people. I think part of it is that typically I would just brush the person off and put a wall between us. I don't want to do that with him. I want to keep this relationship. However, I have learned that at least in this instance, I will have to keep him at arm's length. That does sadden me a bit, but there is nothing more I can do. I cannot force him to understand and I certainly cannot get him to feel my pain. So much of me wants to try just one more time, but to what avail?

Ironically, this is just yet another "consequence" of my sin. This part of my life has interfered, at best, and destroyed relationships along the way. From both sides of the coin. I am so thankful for a new friend at church that has walked through a similar situation. She is being an amazing encouragement to me. As far as my other friend, I just have to "cut my losses" so to speak. This will be the first of those topics that I cannot discuss with him. It's too bad really, I have enjoyed the openness in this relationship. I guess I knew it had to come to an end.

unclean sanctuary

My sanctuary has been tarnished. I don't know that it will ever be the same. How could he come and force his way into my sacred space? What on earth made her think that this was a good idea? This place of joy and peace and love was shattered the minute I saw his face there. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. Of all the places for the two of them to go, why here. Why drive out of your way and invade that which I hold so closely to my heart. What kind of man does that? What kind of brass balls does it take to show up to your ex-wife's church function with your girlfriend in tow? I want to scream. I want to throw up. This was the one thing in my life that he had not ruined for me. The one thing that he had not touched and now even that is gone. And then, my friend, my confidant, he tells me that "there are consequences to our sin and sometimes they are very painful". Really? That's what you are going to tell me? I wanted to reach across the table and shake him and scream, "Don't you think that I know that? Don't you realize I live with these consequences every single day? Don't you see that this was the ONE area that was not completely permeated with reminders of all the mistakes I have made and how I have forever altered my life and the lives of my children? Really? Do you think that I need yet another place for my guilt to overwhelm me? Do you not get it all?" It hurt so badly. I already felt so raw watching them hold hands and talk and laugh with people that have become like family to me and then the one person I thought would understand gives me that crap?!

I feel so weak and honestly beat down. I am drained from forcing my smile as I watch this serpent slither through my "holy of holies". Some may think that I am over-reacting, but this cut to my heart. The joy I have known in this place and with these people will be changed. I ache.

Yes, my friend, my confidant, we will finish this conversation and I will shake you. You care for me and love me yet you have no idea the pain that pours from my heart this night. You have been so blessed to have this kind of evil touch your life. It's time to wake up and see the devastation that divorce leaves behind. Not just the obvious, but the inner turmoil and the agony that never really goes away. Step out of your world and just get a glimpse of mine. Just for a moment. You will never be the same. And I can guarantee you that you will not be so quick to talk about someone else's consequences to sin.

insomnia

Yep. Insomnia sucks. Just a few months ago I slept like a baby waking up before my alarm ever went off. I felt rested on a regular basis. What changed?

past 2 days

So very tired. It's been a draining couple of days. Things turned out good though. I talked to my brother and found out that it wasn't him that had accessed it. The person who had admitted it and was very remorseful and embarrassed. I'm so grateful that it wasn't my brother, but still, I ache for this other young man. Something I didn't expect from all of this is that this has really made me re-examine my own spiritual walk. God has really been dealing with me about being sincere in my faith and truly surrendering everything to Him. Not easy stuff I must say. Needed though. Very much needed. On a side note, I have realized that God led me to the home we have now just as the need was becoming dire. I have no doubt that He will lead us to our next home as well. I will do my part and scrimp and save (more than I already do) to try to afford something nicer, but God is really going to have to work this one out. No doubts. He is faithful

In His embrace

It's been a while. Today was a bit of a rough day and it's only 4 pm. Okay, maybe a rough afternoon. I woke up this morning at 1:30 am and never managed to get any more sleep. Somehow I never bothered with breakfast for myself and I forgot my lunch. So I go into work and that was actually good. A little overwhelming at first since I was out for three days last week with sick kids and there is a lot to get caught up on, but that wasn't bad. Plus my boss was in a really good mood and I just enjoy his joy. So despite the lack of food and sleep, the day was off to a good start. This afternoon however the first thing hit. I have a friend that is very close to me. Almost like a big brother, well, A LOT like a big brother. In the process of seeing him today, I inadvertently stumbled across some porn on his computer. I felt absolutely ill. Not because I have this delusion of him being perfect (although I respect him greatly), but just the fact that I was brought face to face with his sin. I know that this is a battle that most men fight and fight vigilantly throughout their lives, but it was very different knowing that he had looked at this. I still hold him in high regard and I have not lost respect for him, at all. Sin is sin. I certainly would be humiliated if he knew some of my sins. The thought almost immediately went through my mind that I had to say something to him. Not at the time, I couldn't because there was someone else around. I don't want to say anything to him, but he and I have a relationship where we talk about just about everything. We spent time just this weekend talking about some questions I had regarding a passage of Scripture. My mind was racing and stuck in slow motion at the same time. Why would God allow me of all people to see this? Do I really have to talk to him about this? How on earth do I start such a conversation? What will he do? How will he react? Will the embarrassment of this change our relationship at all? Why did God allow me to see this? Ugh. All at once I felt completely drained of what energy I had. At least I wasn't hungry anymore because my appetite was completely gone. I went ahead and said good bye to him, never letting him know that anything was bothering me. Again, it was not the time or place to say anything to him. With a headache beginning to pound in my head, I tried to unravel all my thoughts I drove quietly home. I get home, throw a load of laundry in and as I start back up my landlord stops me. She hands me a letter stating that by June 15, 2010, I will have to move out. If you have followed this blog at all, you know how much I love it here. Not just for the fact that we are out on a farm, but this couple took me and my kids in and agreed to let me pay them a ridiculously cheap rent so that we could get by and have a safe place to live. It was never meant to be a real long term situation (they are older and not used to having tenants on a long term basis), but it was a God-send. I have fallen in love with the country and I never want to go back to the city. However, speaking in earthly terms, I can not afford anything else but a very small apartment in the not so good section of the city. I am trying not to let this stress me out. I know that God is in control and none of this catches Him by surprise, but it not very easy to see where He is leading. My headache is getting close to a full blown migraine at this point. I need sleep, I need food, I need to rest in His arms with all of this. He will lead me to a safe home for my family. He will direct me as I talk to my brother. I am so weary just thinking about all of this. I have no choice but to rest in His embrace. Give me strength Father. Hold my heart. Hold my brother's heart. Draw us both to You tonight.

Old habits die hard. With a little determination, okay a lot of determination, a lot of prayer and some good old stubborn Syrian blood, this will be defeated. A new day. Tomorrow is a new day.

security blanket

I still love sleeping in his shirt even though he is gone. Even after three years and many washes, slipping it on I can still smell him.

Bittersweet

Bittersweet. That's the word I will use. I love going to work each day. I cannot stress that enough. I honestly enjoy working with my boss and for the most part enjoy the work that I do. I work in an ideal location where I look out over a pond and in the back there are soybean fields (soon to be wheat fields which I love!). This job has been like a great boyfriend: any job after this will always be compared to it and will never live up to it. However, once in a while there is another side to this perfection that gets to me. The wife. I think the world of my boss' wife and we interact very well together. The problem is not her, it's what she represents. I will walk into the house for something and she will be baking something or being reading to the kids or homeschooling her children. She will walk outside and go hang up laundry on the clothes line. She will stop in the office to tell my boss something about the family or that she's headed out to the store. Then there the times when my boss will run into the house to talk to her or go outside to say something to her before she leaves. She's a wonderful woman, and I envy her through and through. Most days it's no big deal. Such is life. But then there are days (such as today) that for some reason every little thing is like a dagger to my heart. I long to be able to be home with my children. To homeschool them and sit with them and talk with them throughout the day. To do stupid little things like hang up the laundry on the line on days besides Saturday. I crave my children. I miss them throughout the day and I absolutely ache to give them a better life. But with my boss' wife, it even goes beyond that. She makes me miss being a wife. I by no means miss the marriage, but I miss being someone's wife. The kids could care less if we have mac and cheese for dinner or if we have a roast and salad and fresh baked bread. I used to love planning out meals around my husband's taste. I used to try to plan that when he walked in the door I would be taking fresh bread or his favorite pie out of the oven so that those smells would great him at the door. I used to enjoy picking up the house right before he came home and making sure that even if I wasn't wearing make up I was presentable to him. Such stupid little things I know, but I miss that. Not that he ever noticed or even seemed to care, but I always wanted my home to be a sanctuary for him. A place that he could come home and feel safe, relaxed and at ease. I don't know. Maybe I tried so hard because he if he did come home he didn't stay long. When my son was still a baby I would meet my husband at the door in some sexy little thing. Well, I did that until one night he came home after I had spent all this time devising a little fantasy thing for us and when I greeted him at the door all dressed up he literally pushed past me and went and sat down in the living room and turned the TV on. He didn't even acknowledge me. That was the end of that. Ugh. I have made so many stupid mistakes in my life. I wish that I would have just followed God faithfully. I would have never married that man. My life would be so very different right now had I trusted His direction. So seeing my boss' wife being able to be this wonderful mother and Christian wife is just a reminder of all that I sacrificed and what I will never have. I hate that I will never remarry and have that chance again to love a man and make a home for my family. Sorry for the pity party. Just feeling a bit bittersweet.

Weary & anxious

I woke up this morning before the alarm ever went off. It's not that I was well rested (am I ever?), but because I had this overwhelming feeling of nausea in the pit of my stomach. I knew right away that it was anxiety, not the flu. What did I have to be this anxious about? There are always stresses and worries, but it is very rare that I feel this level of anxiety. I did my quiet time and kept trying to shake it, but it hung like fog over me and all around me. I headed into the shower and it all hit me. Tomorrow my daughter starts school. I am very excited for her and it will be so good for her. However, this marks the beginning of the end. My ex-husband and I separated when my daughter was only four months old. So from the age of four months, she has been in some sort of childcare while I worked. There was this part of me that thought that I would remarry fairly soon after my divorce and that I would once again be a stay at home mom. I have always struggled with the fact that my daughter has been partially raised by various childcare providers. With her starting school tomorrow, it signals the end of her "carefree" years. No longer will I have the option to keep her home if I have a day off of work. I have lost those precious years that most moms get to spend with their kids. They are gone. She is now headed for school and all I get is the summer (which I still have to work through). All these thoughts overwhelmed and for the first time in a very long time I completely broke down. I sobbed. The tears ran from my eyes and my body shook. Everything within me ached. And then there it was. My old friend returned. Guilt. Guilt that I have not been enough for my kids. Guilt that I will never be able to be enough, that I will never be able to be the kind of mom I always wanted to be. Guilt that my children will always have to settle for second best. If I had not married so spontaneously. If I had followed God's will in my choice for a spouse. If I. . . .it never ends. The guilt and the anxiety sent me tumbling to the ground. I was being beat down by invisible fists and I was too weak to stand. Somewhere in the midst of it all I hear this very small voice say "I am sufficient". I want to believe. I want to trust that despite the circumstances that surround my children's childhood God will bless them and strengthen them. I want to believe. Some days are just too hard. So I head into today feeling very small and very weary. My eyes burn. My heart aches.

Time to say goodbye

Today was our last Sunday at the church we have called home for over a decade. We are going to start attending a church closer to our home that we have started becoming increasingly involved with over the past year. Our "home" church only has services on Sunday mornings while this new church offers Sunday morning and evening services as well as AWANA on Weds. nights for the kids and prayer meeting for the adults. Over the past year, I have felt a pull towards this church. It is more conservative than what I am used to, but it has challenged me to open mind a little bit more. I have grown to love this church and I have watched as my children have been embraced, loved, encouraged and supported in ways that I have longed and prayed for since my ex-husband left. I have no doubt that this is the right decision. However, as I sat in church today knowing it was our last Sunday I had two very different feelings. First, I realized more and more how I have begun to see our new church more as our home church. I felt almost as though I was a visitor there today. Second, a sorrow fell over me looking around at the people that I love seeing week to week. I know that we will still keep in touch, but I do love these people and look forward to that face to face contact. To give a hug, a kiss, a touch, those things don't transfer via facebook and e-mail. One thing that caught me off guard today though was saying goodbye to the man that still holds a piece of my heart. The only time we see each other is in church and although our relationship has long been over, there is still a gentle fondness of each other. We honestly want the best for each other. He adores my kids and still greets them and hugs them whenever he sees them. He looks at me with a gentle support that I love. I told him of our decision to leave and he encouraged me that this other church is a great church and he is sure that I will be fed and encouraged there. I found out that he has a brother that attends that church as well. We spoke a bit more, exchanged hugs and left. When he walked away, I felt tears trying to sting my eyes. I guess there has always been a comfort in knowing that he was there. I still care for this man. As I look back over it, I loved this man like I have loved no other. I loved my husband greatly, but love was always mixed with extreme pain. I loved my fiance' before that, but it was a young love. This man stole my heart. It's been almost 4 years and I still love seeing his smile. I know that our chance of making anything of "us" is long past gone, but I have loved being able to stay in touch with him. He does not own a computer (he doesn't see the point) so there is no e-mail or facebook. So for him, I really felt as though this was an ending. The possibility is there of course that I will see him again, but I am not expecting to see him anytime soon. So I walked out of church today, and drove away with tears in my eyes, not only for him, but for all those that I will miss. This church has been my home for over a decade. They have stood with my through a very difficult marriage, my heart breaking divorce and my journey into single motherhood. For that I am sorrowful for leaving it behind, but there is an excitement about getting fully involved with this new church. My children have thrived at this church and it has been so very good for me. So it really is with mixed emotions that I leave. I just know that it is time to say goodbye.

Simplicity

Today was a good day. I made over 300 buckeyes for a wedding and still managed to do the housework and spend time with the kids. My highlight of the day had to be when I went out to hang linens on the line, which I love to do anyway, but I still had my apron on from doing the buckeyes. (I love this apron because I bought it in Amish country and it is simply beautiful.) I overheard my son say to our landlord, "Those are my mom's cooking clothes. She's making hundreds of buckeyes so she has to wear her cooking clothes. I love my mommy's buckeyes." A smile formed on my lips and traveled all the way to my heart. That moment exemplified all that I want to capture. I do long for that simplified life of doing housework, loving my kids and baking to my heart's content. While I was out running errands today, we saw a road side stand where an Amish family was selling baskets. There was a hint of envy that ran through me. I know I am idealizing the life of the Amish, but, I long for my life to be one of simplicity. My favorite place to go is a little bed and breakfast in Amish country run by a Minnonite couple where there is nothing but beauty and quiet. No TVs, no phones, no wireless internet in every room. I long to go back. I usually go in the fall (my fav season) but last year because of finances, I could not go. I honestly missed it. That weekend away seems to recharge me for the year. I love sleeping deeply and waking early. Walking the grounds and watching the sun rise over the hills. Sitting on a swing and hearing nothing but the clip clop of a horse and buggy going down the remote road. I love living where I do right now, but when I move, I long to move even farther out. I don't want to be able to hear my neighbors at all. I don't want to hear any traffic. I long to listen to the crickets in the evening and the birds in the morning. I long to stay home with my children. That is one I never see happening. The choices I have made in the past have led to consequences which will prevent that from ever happening. All I ever wanted was to be a wife and mother. I wanted to raise my children and be there to greet them each day after school (if they went to school and I didn't homeschool them, which given the chance, I do believe I would homeschool). I am richly blessed. God has done miraculous things in my heart this past year. I feel as though this is just the beginning. I feel as though I am getting a glimpse of the woman God may want me to be. There is still so much clutter that I need to cut out of my life and out of my heart. Father, continue to strip away all that is unnecessary and guide my eyes and heart to You and Your will alone.

Soon

I'm not sure what to write, I just know that I have to. Early this morning I was informed that a woman from my church was struck and killed by a car last night. It hit me like a punch in the stomach. She and her husband go walking in the evening together and last night he opted not to go. They live out on a country road, very much like mine. A teenage boy was speeding and hit her. She has four children. She is a wonderful Christian woman who always had a smile on her face. Although I was not very close with this woman, I literally feel sick. I feel sick for her children, for her husband, for our church, and for the boy that struck her. I hate death. This was never supposed to be a part of our lives. When God created us, He created us as eternal beings. We were never meant to feel this pain. I'm ready to go home. I'm so tired of the pain in this life, and I have a wonderful life and I know that. But every time something like this happens I simply long to be in Heaven. After my uncle's death last fall, death is not "just a part of life" for me anymore. It is a tear your world apart, deep in your soul kind of ache. People talk about trying to live to their 100 or whatever. Not me. I have no desire whatsoever to live that long. If God so wills it, I would love to see my grandchildren born, but after that, take me home. Why on earth would I want to stay in this place when I have Heaven waiting for me. I totally understand Paul's dilemma. I have to stay here now because I have two precious children to raise and guide and teach about our Lord. That is my job and my ministry. They were given to me for that reason alone. And they bring me untold joy. But, Heaven, Heaven is where I am with my precious Saviour. There is no more pain, no death, no grieving, no sin, no tears. There is just my Father. I long for the first time to see His beautiful face. To physically feel the warmth of His embrace. To look into my Saviour's eyes and be overcome with the love He has for me. To touch the scars in His hands and finally understand the sacrifice He made for me. I am so thankful that she and my uncle are there now, but for the ones left behind, there is no earthly comfort. The only possible comfort can only come from our Father Himself. A friend quoted a verse that is well known but from the Message which puts it in a totally different light. It reads: "You're blessed when you feel you have lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you." Matt 5:4. I will never understand the sorrow God allows us to feel. The only comfort that I have is that I know that the pain we feel here on earth is felt also by our Saviour. He loves us more than any of us could ever comprehend. As a parent, there is nothing like seeing your child in pain. We love our children with an earthly, imperfect love. Our Father's love is perfect and so much greater. How much greater then is the pain that He feels when He sees our hearts breaking. I ache with all that is within me to see yet another family be forced to deal with this. Please Father, wrap Your loving arms around each one in pain right now. Hold them close. Help to remind them, that You are not only the majestic King of the universe, but You are their Abba, their Daddy. And Father, soon. Please come soon.

why do i do these things? will i ever learn? will this ever stop? will there be a day when i can close this door and never look back? i can't wait for next weekend. going out. going to have a couple drinks. going to have a great time. still can't shake this feeling though

3 words & a baby

Another thing I realized I'm losing by staying single. I will never hear the words "I love you" from a man again. My kids tell me they love me and so does my family from time to time, but I will never have a man say those words to me again. I will never have a man love me like that again. It is such a great feeling to be loved in that unique, precious way. I will miss that greatly.
The other thing comes as a bit of a surprise to me. I was at church Sunday and there was a mom with a young baby. As I watched her with that baby, that motherly love comes flooding over me and I have that craving for a child in my arms. So many people have told me that they had always pictured me with several children. I am so grateful for my two kids, but I would have loved to have more. Even by adoption. But that is another thing I will never know again. Watching that mother and baby, tears started to well up in my eyes and soon they spilled down my cheeks. I quickly tried to regain my composure, but a feeling of great loss overwhelmed my heart.
I know that I am following God in this, and He will bless me for it. He will sustain me. He will hold my heart.

Not alone

I looked back over my blog a little bit and back to the beginning. I reread my blogs about the sexual assault. All of those emotions came rushing back to the surface. I don't think I will ever be able to think about that night without feeling sick. I mean, it's been over a decade and I still feel this way. Anyway, I thought of something though. I question the evil that abounds in this world and how God can restrain Himself from just vaporizing some people I will never understand. I certainly don't understand why He allowed that evil to come and tear apart my heart that night. I do know this though, I would face anything and go through anything before allowing my children to be hurt. I would go through rape again if given the choice of my rape or my children being hurt or abused. There is no question, I would always choose my children over myself. Thankfully, my children have never been seriously hurt. However, I know one child that was tortured, literally, and eventually killed. That child was Jesus. His father had to sit back and watch the cruelty and evil being thrust upon His Son. No parent out there can comprehend that amount of pain. It's a wonder God didn't just destroy the world at that point. I say all this to say this: God honestly understands the evil that comes into our lives. He gets it. He has been there. It has torn His great heart in two. There is something about knowing that, that helps me cope a little better. And you know what, He saw what happened to me, and He loves me. That night hurt Him just as much as it hurt me. That knowledge doesn't necessarily diminish the pain at all, but I don't feel quite so alone in this pain. And that, that helps.

home sweet home

we just got back from our family vacation and we had a great time. we were pretty busy trying a bunch of new things, but it was relaxing as well, although i'm still tired. i think the thing i enjoyed the most by far was just being able enjoy the kids. there were no dishes, no laundry, no cooking, no errands to run and obviously no job to go to. i could just spend each day, every day with my kids enjoying the beautiful little people they are. it really was a wonderful week. we played together and laughed together and had new adventures together. i am so grateful we were able to go. i am also grateful to be back home. i got home just in time to see the wheat again before they harvest it tomorrow. i actually missed the fields of corn and wheat and the open country. a vacation is a great break from the daily grind and much needed, but there is nothing like home. even with it's imperfections and stresses, home is home. it is a sanctuary. tonight i took the time to take some pictures of the wheat field just so that i can enjoy the beauty of it even after it has all been harvested. i am not looking forward to looking out at a bare field. i wish i had the ability to capture the smell, the texture, the feel of the wheat and the country in general in photos. i am certainly not talented in that area. i hope that i can always remember the joy that i have when looking out across those amber fields. yes, vacation was wonderful and i will miss the "free" time i had with my kids, but home is still the sweetest place on earth!

my "city" is showing

There is part of me that wants to hang on to a little bit of my "city". Over the weekend I went out to lunch with a friend at one of my favorite restaurants. We enjoyed the wonderful food, the exquisite desserts and a sweet blush wine. It was wonderful. It just served to remind me that I still love some things about the city. I do enjoy having a fine dinner and a glass of wine. I love the fine arts of theater, opera, ballet, etc... Those are just some things that I will continue to hold on to. I love the country and the life that goes with it, but there will still be this string connecting me to the city.

Erotic

Something else that I will miss by never remarrying is being able to be erotic. Not just sex, although that has been and will continue to be difficult, but the day to day sexiness. Every girl has those things that she only wears at home. The little track shorts that are way too short to wear out, or the cute little top that is way too revealing. That's stuff that just stays in the house, which is fine, but part of the fun of wearing things like that at home it to turn your husband on. Without a husband I don't get that privilege. This may sound so stupid to some people, but just realize that for me to be a good woman, I need to dress in a modest, somewhat conservative manner. I have to dress so as to not turn a man on. I don't get the chance to be erotic and to be the object of desire for a man. Part of the issue is that I honestly love sex. I enjoy it. I love being that close with a man, feeling that connection, feeling beautiful, feeling free. Sex is great. It is fun and can be mind-blowing. Part of the fun of sex is what leads up to it. I love the fun of turning a man on. Of kissing him suggestively when he's not expecting it, of dressing in a way that even if I'm just washing dishes all he can think of is how soon he can get at me, of walking past him and slapping his ass, of fulfilling his secret fantasies, of trying something new, of dressing up in some costume, oh and the best, buying new lingerie that I know he will love. I loved doing that kind of stuff when I was married (and with that one boyfriend). I feel like I have lost something intrinsically feminine by losing the chance to be sexy. To be a godly woman I must never strive to arouse a man again. How sad is that? It's something so simple that I think most women take for granted, but I feel like with this realization I have lost part of what makes me a woman. To always have to be dressed perfectly and to always be cautious of my actions and how they may be perceived by a man. I just miss it and will continue to miss it. It's not just giving up sex, it's giving up all forms of eroticism, of being flirtatious, of being desired. I will never know that look from a man again. That look that is filled with desire and overcome by love. I'm sorry, but that is a loss. It would be so much easier to stay single had I never experienced any of this in the past. Just another way that God's way is best.

I don't understand. Why now, why her, why this way? I still feel so raw from the last loss that has already shattered our world. I don't want to hear any more bad news. I'm tired of it all. And this is the day that I work with the attorney and deal with death and divorce. I really want to go to my other job. Work with my other boss. Be encouraged. He would find a way for me to laugh. But no, it's Friday and and that means the attorney job. That means that I paste a smile on my face and pretend that all is well. That my stomach is not turning as I work through files of people simply disposing of their spouses or fighting with their siblings over who gets what from their parents' estate. I'm just not up for it. I'm ready for Saturday. I'm ready for Him to come back.

Lesson learned

Proverbs 10:17 "People who accept correction are on the pathway to life, but those who ignore it will lead others astray."
Very interesting day today. I was taught some things today by a very unexpected source. Just goes to show that you never know who God will use in your life to make you more Christ-like.

Father's Day

So this being Father's Day today our pastor spoke on fathers and the importance they play in raising children. This evening I get a call from my dad and he tells me that he wants me to tell him what he did right and what he did wrong in raising myself and my sister. That sounds like such a noble thing, but I am dreading having to tell him these things. I had a good father. He was. He did have some major faults though. I come from a Middle Eastern family and with that comes certain things: a tendency to have way to much food at every possible celebration, being constantly loud, being stubborn as a mules and having volital tempers. What I am about to say is truthful but comes with explanation. My dad was physically abusive. I say that, but I feel the need to clarify. My dad would hit, slap, shove and kick us when his anger took control of him. This was not a result of alcoholism, just lack of self-control. It did not happen every day or even every week, but that does not lessen the damage that was done. Yes, my dad was abusive, however, I know that so many others suffer so much worse. I have realized though, that the damage he did to me went so far beyond just the bruises. I distinctly remember several different things that where all turning points for me: 1) when I was in elementary school my dad taught Sunday School at our church. One Sunday he lost his temper at one of the kids in his classe and grabbed him by the arm and shoved him to the ground. My dad was not allowed to teach after that incident. What struck me was the fact that not one person had the guts to say "hey, if he is doing this at church, what is he doing at home?" How much more obvious does it need to be that there is problems in this home. I remember at the young age to not depend or trust people in the church. 2) When I was in Junior High somehow my mom convinced my dad to go to couples and family counseling. We spent a year in counseling as a family and my dad cried and apoligized and I truly believed that it was over. Then he hit me again. That is the day I made the decision that I would not only never forgive or trust him again, but that I would never love him. From that day on I continued to grow more and more bitter towards him. I refused to give him father's day cards and would never tell him I loved him. I wrote him off. I must say, that had an awful lot to do with my behavior in high school. I hated my dad and would do anything to spite him, humiliate him, disrespect him or hurt him in any way. I went away after to school to a strict Bible school. It was a thirteen hour drive and I cried the majority of the way there. I cried because I absolutely did not want to go, but I knew that if I didn't my life would literally end in ruins. I knew the path I was on was going to destroy me. Being that far from home offered some relief in my relationship with my dad. After two years there, I began to realize that I needed to forgive him. I wasn't ready to do that yet, but I acknowledged that I needed to. I started sending him father's day cards again but I would never sign them "Love, . . . " Years later I finally came to a place where I could finally forgive him. 3) the most recent turning point just came a year ago. I had forgiven my father, but our relationship was still strained at best. His age and health had started to mellow him a bit and we got along okay as long as he didn't get to controling. anyway, last summer myself, my kids and my parents where heading out to a local festival. I was driving and my dad was in the passenger seat. He is a horrible back seat driver. It doesn't matter who it is, they are never driving right. (He can no longer drive due to health conditions) He was growing more and more upset with me for not going fast enough or slow enough or not pulling out when he thought I should. His temper finally got the best of him and he hauled off and punched me. In all my years growning up, he never hit me with a closed fist. Not only that, but this happened with my two children in the vehicle watching. I pulled into the festival dropped my parents off and left with my kids. At the time we were renting an apartment from my dad. We never went back. That weekend we went to my sister's two hours away. When we came back we stayed with a friend of mine for six weeks while I tried to find a place to live. That is how we came to live out where we do now. God works in mysterious ways. Anyway, the turning point there was that I realized that even if I forgave my dad, I could not change him. I would always have to walk on egg shells with him and be diligent about not leaving my children with him. I realized that it wasn't up to me. I could never fix him. All I could do was work on me. Things have definetly improved in my relationship with him since that. I've stopped blaming him. There's no point in constantly pointing the finger. Our relationship is still far from picture perfect and it never will be, but that's okay. But now, what am I supposed to tell him. Last summer when we went through all this I said something to him about how he was like this growing up and he said that he never hit us growing up. I don't know if he honestly doesn't remember (due to some health issues) or if he has just blocked it all out. I certainly don't want to haul this mess out on the table again. So what am I supposed to say? How do I answer this question. I really don't know.

A fledgling country girl

Today was another one of those "I wish I could find a giant frame and frame this whole day" kind of days. Tonight after dinner the kids and I started driving and listening to music. We decided to take a drive, which we like to do, down some back country roads looking for deer and picking out each of our favorite houses and lots. We listened to the music loud at times singing at the top or our lungs and dancing away. Then at one point we turned the music off, stopped the car with the windows down and listened. We heard nothing but silence. Beautiful silence. We ended up spotting 6 deer, 3 bunnies and countless cows (which Bella was so excited about. Odd child she is!). As we drove through the country, I began thinking back to where I was a year ago. So very much has changed. I have changed. I moved all of 15 minutes away, and it seems as though into a whole different world. First I moved to a smaller place which forced me to cut back on all that I owned. It forced me to simplify. Beyond that, I have learned to be content and even happy with the small simple things. I am taken aback by the beauty of the country on a daily basis. I cannot help but smile as I look out over the golden wheat field. Even driving into work I grin. How can you not enjoy spending each day surrounded by gardens and quiet and simple beauty? I joke about turning into a country girl, but in all reality, I enjoy the change I see in myself. Now don't get me wrong, I still love my shoes and you would be hard pressed to ever find me without painted toenails, but I would just assume kick off the heels and walk barefoot through the grass wet with dew. I still enjoy manicures (not that I get them much anymore), but I can get down on my knees and dig in the dirt in my garden (my "farm fertilized" garden I might add). I used to have these ideas of my dream house being large suited perfectly for entertaining large crowds and a kitchen that a chef would desire. I have learned that true entertaining means opening your home, regardless of how big or small it is and serving whatever you may have. It's more about being hospitable than being a perfect hostess. My desire now is to someday have a house that can be a home in every sense of the word. A sanctuary. Not just for my family, but for friends and those in need. I have always had a strong desire to have a home that someone can feel comfortable stopping by on a whim, but the way I view that now has changed. It doesn't mean that I keep my house perfect (although this week I do believe a tornado hit my house. That is the only logical explanation for it's condition!), but that it is real. My landlord has been a shining example of this. She once told me that "around here" you never know how many people you may have for dinner so you always have extra on hand. One of the biggest ways I saw this was when I was still working in Cleveland. Each day I would come home exhausted. Spending 4 hours a day just driving to and from work took it's toll on me. Wednesdays were especially rough. By the time we got home we had maybe an hour to make and eat dinner, do homework and get out the door again to church. We would get home late, go to bed late and then I would be dealing with exceptionally crabby kids Thursday morning when I had to wake them up at 5:00 or 5:15 am. One particularly rough Wednesday I had no sooner walked into my apartment than my phone rang. It was my landlord and she wanted to know if I had started dinner. I told her that I hadn't had a chance and she said she would be right up. She walked up to my apartment and handed me a plate with hot ham and cheese sandwiches and homemade potato salad. Such a simple gesture. This was not a 6 course dinner with all the frills, but the kindness, the thought, just about brought me to tears. That, my friends, is what hospitality is all about. I still enjoy making the fancy cheesecakes and the large meals, but that has it's time and place. Come to my house and I will offer whatever I may have, whether that be ribs or spaghetti-Os. There is a tranquility, a peacefulness about being simple. That I treasure. That is one of the biggest things I have learned. I may never be the kind of country girl that cleans fish or knows how to make a live feathered chicken into dinner, but I hope that I continue this journey of learning how to be a little more country everyday.

Fighting Temptation

How do you fight temptation when you can't get away from it? There has been something that I have been struggling with the past few weeks and usually I would do everything I could to stay away from any form of temptation but with this I cannot. Day in and day out it is there. It's like a monkey on my back, but not a cute playful monkey. Oh no. This monkey hisses and has sharp little claws that dig into my back and neck. I spend time in prayer and read and read and read the Bible trying to get some perspective and relief. Most days are okay. I dodge the bullets and zig and zag around the land mines. Yesterday was not one of those days. Every step I took, no matter how careful I was trying to be, I hit a land mine. Everything seemed to trigger this temptation. What I saw, smelled, heard, felt, everything! On top of it all, the battle was waging in my mind. Part of me was trying to rationalize this temptation while the other part of me was screaming how very stupid that was. I wish I could get a break from this all. Honestly it is exhausting. Morning, noon and night this battle wages on. I felt so weary yesterday. I was tired of fighting. I still fought, but half-heartedly. Is this a thorn in my side that I will never get relief from? Will I continue to face this everyday? Will I ever get victory in this? The frustration mounts. This is when it would be really good to have an accountability partner. I have tried to have accountability partners in the past, but I have never found anyone that will be committed to the time and effort it takes. I don't even have a spouse that I can confide in and draw some support from. I do a weekly Bible study with a relative, but this is not something I could broach with her. We study specific things and though it is very good, we never go beyond the issue we are studying. She would not handle this kind of thing well. The words of the old hymn keep going through my mind; "O victory in Jesus/ my Savior forever/ He sought & bought me/ with His redeeming blood/He loved me ere I knew Him/And all my love is due Him/He plunged me to victory/ Beneath the cleansing flood!" So when do I get this victory? It is promised to me right? I will continue to fight, but my body, my mind, they grow weary. I need some encouragement. I need support.

Relax soldier

Seriously. Some guys just really don't get it. So a friend of mine just got back from a funeral, and by friend I really mean an actual friend, and he seemed all upset and down so I give him a hug. Next thing I know he's standing at full attention and ready for action. I know it's all biology and boys will be boys, but he didn't even release me from the hug. He just kept holding on to me, like he was so grief-stricken. I literally had to pull myself away. Okay maybe I'm being harsh, but I would think that in that situation a guy would not prolong it by continuing to hold on to me. And, I don't know, maybe be a little embarrassed. Am I missing something? When I pulled away it was like "What the heck?". Like I was supposed to stay there or something. Like I should have enjoyed that. Then all he can manage to do is look everywhere but my eyes, and he wasn't bashful about it. I don't care if you're grief-stricken, the kind of comfort you're looking for is not coming from me. I could not get away fast enough. Just a tip guys; making it obvious that you're picturing a girl naked is not a turn on or a compliment. Right now I wish I did have a husband who would have been standing there with me and could have knocked my friend's teeth out. Am I wrong here? It just gave me the creeps.

Where to begin? The internet gods have raged against me this past week and I have not been able to get online for basically 3 days. I actually picked up one of my old journals and started writing in it since I couldn't blog. This week has been so stressful in so many different ways. I have spent two weeks working on a project for my new job and right before it was completed everything fell apart. So now I basically have to start all over. My boss teases me about always having a smile on my face but on Wedsday, I was certainly not smiling. I actually took a lunch break that day, not to eat but to walk and clear my head. I was pretty pissed. The worst thing is that I feel like I let my boss down. He understands that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it, but still. Wedsnesday was supposed to be this great exciting day when everything was completed and instead everything blew up. It seriously sucked. My boss continued to try and encourage me, but I could see he was disappointed. Beyond the crap at work, I've been dealing with stupid things all around me. Things at the house, namely the lack of internet service, the ex is starting up again with his crap, trying to prepare for a garage sale that I don't really want to do, and my son starting a new daycare and my daughter's daycare pissing me off a bit. Just an all around stressful week. Oh well. It's is finally Friday and I am now officially counting down to our vacation to NC. I cannot wait. Although, I am keenly aware of missing my weekend in Amish country last fall. I look forward to that every year. It is a time for me to recharge and refocus. I really miss that. I simply could not afford to go. I always go to the same little bed and breakfast. It's run by a Minnonite couple and there are now phones in the rooms and no TVs. It's in a beautiful setting and it's a place that I feel safe being there on my own. Yeah, I really miss it. I really want to get back there this year. The first year I went down there, I did not want to leave. Even though I live out in the country now, there is still something about the silence down there. You rarely hear a car, just the clip-clop of the horse and buggy. The air is clean and the food is great. It's just this little corner of the earth that still seems untouched by the modern world. I love it. I always envy the Amish and Minnonite families down there. They work so hard, but there is a joy and peace that I have to fight to maintain up here. Wow, this blog is getting longer and longer. That's a sign that I've gone through withdrawal. Well, I suppose I should actually get some work done.

Change is good

So I changed the background for this blog. The bland tan and brown just didn't seem to fit anymore. When I started this blog, I was going through a rather dark time. It was a very dark but necessary time to walk through. I am coming out of it all and the sun is rising on the other side of the mountain. I feel as though this is a New Year's Eve or something. I have taken that step off the cliff and wouldn't you know, I'm flying. So much has changed, over the past few months.

Contentment

I am so content. I am at peace. I have joy in my heart. Coming to the conclusion to remain single has been the best thing for me. It simplifies my life greatly. There are definitely still struggles, but they pale against all else.

My, how things change

So God definitely has a sense of humor. After I wrote the previous post I did devotions with the kids and one of the things discussed was the fact that God knows all our thoughts. So it only makes sense to talk to Him about what He already knows. I knew all of this already, but I needed a refresher. I prayed about it all and just said what was on my heart. The very next day wouldn't you know that my boss starts this conversation about how people don't make these major mistakes over night, but that there is a slippery slope of choices that are made along the way. He talked about how you have to stay dedicated in the little things like a daily quiet time and prayer (he is a Christian). Then he proceeds to say that if he wasn't doing these things he would be tempted to screw up in a major way like having an affair. Well to say the least, after praying about it and having this conversation with him, I started to see things in a different light. Even though my thoughts were "innocent", it is the beginning of that slope and that slope leads to a place where I never want to go. So yes, I do need to continue to pray about these stupid annoying little things. And wouldn't you know it, my view of my boss is changing. I am seeing him still as a great guy but with that "he could be my uncle" kind of feeling. Nothing about him has changed, but God is changing my perspective. Isn't He cool! He cares about these little things and actually wants me to talk to Him about them. I am so grateful that I can go to my Heavenly Father and be as open with Him as I am on this blog, even the embarrassing stuff.

I miss seeing that look in a man's eyes. A look I will never know again.

one more gone

So I realized something else last night. One more little thing that I am giving up by staying single, is the joy of cooking for someone. I love to plan out meals and to work to provide a great dinner for a man. When I was married, I used to love making a pie or baking bread just before my husband would get home so that he would walk into a house that smells wonderful. Not that he would even notice. I still loved filling my home with sweet scents of apple pie and italian bread. It may sound silly, but trust me, I want to work to make something that someone truly enjoys. My kids enjoy speghetti and mac and cheese. I want to know what my husband's favorites foods are and come up with creative recipes that he would love. I want to create a home that when he walks in the door, it is a sanctuary for him. The sights, the sounds, the smells, everything.

it must be spring

I so got hit on today. I ran to the grocery store right after work and I kept running into this guy that was giving me this goofy grin. As I was leaving, he was leaving too and he asked me if I drank wine. No, seriously. He then proceeded to get his card out of his wallet and tell me that he does "wine parties" and he would love to do one for me. He then pointed out which number was his cell phone. Earlier today some guy pulled up next to me and winked at the stop light. Either I'm having a really good hair day (not so much) or spring is in the air. Anyway, it was a fun little twist to my day and put a smile on my face. :)

no sympathy

Good day today. Different, but good. I actually cooked today. I love to cook but I always said that I won't cook on my birthday or Mother's Day. But today I cooked lunch for my mom and sis and family. It was good though. The only semi-negative thing was that a couple of my facebook friends actually complained about not getting the mother's day gifts they wanted. One was upset because her husband got her the wrong bracelet. Superficial much? Want to know what I got? Two hand-made cards from my kids and big hugs. That's what this day is about. Not just another way to get jewelry out of your husband. I felt like messaging her and telling her to try and envision not having a husband to spoil you rotten. Oh, and she complained that she didn't get to sleep in. Seriously. Get over yourself. Huh, I guess this bothered me more than I realized. I just don't have any sympathy that women complaining about good men. I understand being in a bad marriage, I was there once myself, but complaining about him not buying you something? Nope, no sympathy.

Proverbs 31? Really?

I have noticed the last few days that I am getting up before my alarm goes off in the morning. I wake up feeling as though I have had enough sleep and I'm ready to start my day. At first I tried to explain it away by the fact that since the sun was rising earlier, the light through my skylight was waking me. That didn't hold once I realized that I was getting up before the sun was up and any light was shining in my bedroom. This morning I was up an hour before my alarm. I got up started doing some baking for some friends and some light housework. As I was at my sink washing dishes I looked out my window to see the sun starting to rise. A verse popped into my mind. "She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day's work for her servant girls." Proverbs 31:15. One of the things that always got me about the infamous Proverbs 31 woman is the fact that she is up before dawn and works into the night. I never got how on earth the woman could do and still be all joyful and such. This morning it hit me: she was at peace. A woman at peace can fall into her bed at night exhausted from a days work and sleep deeply, with no worries waking her or disturbing her sleep. Thus, she can awaken in the morning rested and refreshed. My sleeping patterns changed after I came to the conclusion that I am going to remain single. Is this simply my soul coming to peace with what God has intended for me? Am I finally resting in His hand enough that my mind can actually rest at night? It is a great feeling to start the day before anyone else is up and to be able to accomplish so much before the waking of the kids. Is this contentment? If it is, how long will it last? I treasure this feeling and I hope that it will become a normal part of my life. Just another blessing along the broken road I travel. "Father, take my hand and lead me on."

Day by day

So I am quickly realizing that this is going to be a process. I realized today some of the other things I am giving up by not getting re-married. If I am honest with myself, I will probably never own a home, not if I want to send my kids to college. That has so many implications in itself. I will never be able to go into my home and and paint the walls whatever color I want. The kids won't be able to have the pets that they want. I won't be able to have the joy of actually picking out a house and getting the keys to my own home. On top of not owning a home I'm realizing that I will never be able to be a stay at home mom. That has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. One by one God is holding out His hand and asking me to place my dreams in His hands. Do I trust him with ALL of my dreams? The ones that I have never even voiced. The ones that I hold deep in my heart. Can I really trust Him? I have always considered the possibility that I would remain single, but now I see that possibility moving to a probability. That scares me. I hate not knowing. I am a girl that loves a plan. That can see points A, B, and C. And right now I feel like I can even see the very next step. I am understanding that this will be a process. That day by day, dream by dream, I will continue to learn how to trust Him more and release those things that I hold dear.

Cleaning out my closet (and I don't mean the shoes!)

I hate to admit this, but when I first got divorced, I would pick up bridal magazines from time to time and just look through them and mark things that I thought may be useful if I ever re-married. I would dream of the day that I would find a wonderful man to step in beside me and walk with me through the rest of my life. After all these years I have still hung onto them keeping them as a little secret that I was too embarrassed to tell anyone about. Every once in a while I would dig them out and look through them and allow myself to dream a little. This past week things have changed. I am beginning to wonder if all that I have been going through, especially the last year or so, is God's way of preparing me to remain single the rest of my life. Honestly, the thought scares me a little. So many people tell me what a "strong" woman I am, but I feel so very weak and insecure. I really doubt myself quite a bit about just about everything: parenting, finances, employment decisions, church commitment, etc... So the thought of being on my own for the rest of my life seems a little overwhelming. I have no one to bounce ideas off of. Everything rises and falls on my shoulders. But, I'm realizing that that may be what God has for me, and if it is, I will take it. It may be scary, but if He wants me to be a single mom, then that is what is best for me and my kids. Even if I found a great Christian guy to marry, if it's not God's will, then it's second best. I don't want second best. As the song goes, "I'm not settlin' with just getting by/I've had enough so-so for the rest of my life/Tired of shooting to low/ Gonna raise the bar high/Just not given up this time/I ain't settling for anything less than everything" I feel as though I'm standing at the edge of a cliff just waiting for the push to send me over. It looks so scary below, but what if I take that step and instead of falling, I fly? Do I really trust that God will lead me to the absolute best life for me and my kids if I only take His hand? It's all about trusting God with a very unknown future. Am I really willing to do this? As scary as it is, at this moment I am saying yes. Yes I will trust Him and follow Him wherever the road may lead. I'm not living my life on hold just waiting for that "prince" to come riding around the corner and "save" my little family. Yes, I have this amazingly strong heart's desire to be a wife again, but all in all, my biggest heart's desire is for my kids. I want them to grow into an amazing man and an amazing woman after God's own heart. I want them to touch people's lives and be a great power for God's kingdom. I want their little hearts to be sold out to Him. What if it is God's plan for me to raise these little ones without a husband? Dare I act like Moses and say "No, I can't do that!"? No. God created me and He knows my strengths and my many weaknesses. He knows the course best suited for me. So all of that to say that this evening, I dug out those bridal magazines and page by page I burned each and everyone. The flowers, the rings, the flower girl dresses, the colors, the themes, the tuxes, the bridesmaids dresses, the cakes, the favors, and of course, the wedding dresses. They are all gone. Their ashes rose up and where swept away in the wind like a symbolic sacrifice. Gone are the days that I trust but I still hold onto a safety line. I am letting go (again). I am stepping out. I am closing my eyes and stepping off the edge of the cliff. I am praying that I will fly. Here goes nothing.

perfection

It can't get better than this. A warm breeze. The birds singing. The wheat rising and falling with the wind. The soft sounds of country music floating out of the barns. The kids laughing and running. Sitting on the porch swing taking it all in. How could I want anything else?

Content

This past week has been an amazing week. I have fallen into a state of complete contentment. I am not worried what the future holds. I am not bogged down by guilt from the past. I am just here. This day. I am rejoicing in all God is doing for me. I am grateful for this moment, for this peace. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has yet to come. There is nothing I can do for either. As a friend told me yesterday. "You can't change the past. You can't control the future. You can only choose the present." So today I choose the present. This is so pleasant to just rest in His arms. The lake yesterday was so completely calm. I have never seen such a peace over the lake. You could hardly tell where the lake ended and the sky began. I feel that peace in my soul. I wish I would know that this feeling would continue. But just like the unpredictability of the lake, I know that this will change. The wind will blow, the storms will come, the rain will pound. But, today, it is calm. Today I will enjoy the beauty, the peace.

Twitterpated!

The morning started off with another annoying call from the ex. However, the day got so much better. I was able to talk to him in church today. Nothing to deep, just talking. I could just lose myself in his eyes. He honestly makes me feel like a little school girl again. My stomach gets all fluttery and I can't stop grinning. He is such a beautiful man. I'm talking to him and all I can think of is that I want to shout out "I miss you!" Yeah, that would be subtle! Be still my little heart. Be patient and see what God has for you. It's hard not to let my dreams take over. I'm so twitterpated! It is a good thing the Red Wings are on to distract me, even thought their losing so far! :(

UGH!

i want to throw my phone against the wall and smash it into a thousand little pieces just so that he can never call me again!

mistakes made

what am i supposed to think? so his fiance' calls off the wedding and kicks him out and what does he do? he comes here? looking for advice? what did he think, that i would be the one to advise him on how to repair his relationship with her? then he starts in on all the things that he did wrong in our marriage. he actually apologized. he really apologized. after almost 4 years, he finally admitted some of what he did wrong and said he was sorry. that was a shock. but that wasn't even the beginning of it. he wants me to trust him again. to believe that he can be good with the kids. i had to keep from laughing. he goes on to say that we should have open communication (which actually would not be a bad thing) about the kids. then he says that the best way to do that is for us to talk more and DO more things together, LIKE GOING TO A MOVIE TOGETHER! SERIOUSLY? i looked at him like he was crazy. what is he thinking? he wants a "friendship relationship" with me and then in a couple years "who knows". i know!! NO WAY IN HELL!!!! I don't get it. yeah, it was nice to finally get an apology, but like this? one minute he's professing his love for this woman and the next he trying to convince me to go out with him? i'm just way too tired of all this crap. i'm too tired of all his bullshit. if it's not one thing it's another with him. please, walk away leave me and the kids alone, and take your drama producing self elsewhere! compared to being with him, i would GLADLY stay single the rest of my life. that's why i divorced him to begin with! i actually have less stress now as a single mom than i did when i was married to him. how young and naive (read stupid) i was when i married him. this mistake will haunt me the rest of my life. i so need less drama in my life. i need so much less of him in my life. when will that dream come true. the one where he gets a job out in CA and makes a ridiculous amount of money and pays enough in child support for me to just stay home with the kids. works for me! i get to be with the kids and he's on the other side of the country. why don't you ever see a disney movie where this dream comes true??

the vacation that may never come

It's been a while since I wrote anything. I've been so busy and I feel like I'm in a perpetual state of "rush". I never seem to have quite enough time, energy, money, etc to quite catch up. I get close, but then something comes flying at me and I'm just knocked on my ass again. Such is life I suppose. I just long to be able to just turn all the "noise" off and rest. Just me and the kids. We need a vacation so very badly. We have never taken a family vacation just the three of us. In four years, not a single vacation. Sure we've taken a weekend or an overnight a couple times, but never a real vacation. I have a friend that has invited me to come to her place down south and I want to go with everything within me. I just can't figure out the finances. As far as vacations go, it would be ridiculously cheap, but I can't afford cheap! Just to pay for the gas to get there and back plus paying for food and the travel done while we are down there. But, it's a vacation and I want to go. I want to take a road trip with my kids and and play in the ocean and collect sea shells. I want to take an obscene amount of pictures. I just want to go. Well, if God decides to drop a few hundred dollars in my lap, then I guess we could do it. Otherwise, I just don't see it as possible. We so need the break though. We found out that my son's health problems are all just stress related. How horrible it that that I have a 7 year old that is totally stressed out. What am I doing wrong? I love my kids with everything within me and I try so very hard to provide a safe haven for them in our home. But obviously I'm messing up. I just want our little, stressed out family to be able to walk away from everything here and take a break. See some new scenery, have a change of pace, enjoy being together without feeling the constant rush. I want a family vacation, I just don't see it happening, which just burdens me more. Why can't I provide this for my kids? This is nothing extravagant, it's just needed. I really feel that it is needed.

i should have named him samuel

after several pain pills to dull the stabbing pain in my head and the churning of my stomach keeping me from a perfectly good pie, i came to a realization. he's not worth it. i literally was making myself sick tonight with worry and anger. i divorced him for a reason. he is not my concern anymore. my children are. and whether i can rest in it or not, they are in God's hands. He loves them even more than i do (which is hard for me to fathom) and He actually CAN do something about all this. i have to remember 1 Samuel 1: 27-28 "I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD." Hannah begged God to give her a child. she finally has one child and she turns around and offers him up to God for His service. she took him to the temple and left him there. and this was not some sweet little baptist church. Eli's sons had prostitutes at the temple gates. they were the epitome of immoral. and yet she entrusted her only child not to eli, but to God. she trusted God to watch over him and protect him. if God could protect samuel in that environment and actually make him an amazing man of God, how much more can God bless and protect my children if i am only willing to trust Him impeccably. this all makes sense in my head, but heart is hard to follow. i just know that i can't do this on my own and i will make myself crazy trying to.

pissed off

i know that it is not very christian, but i am really back to where i was 3 years ago and wishing he would just disappear/die. the man has not seen his kids for three months besides one 45 minute visit at my house and now, because he wants to prove he's ready for marriage, he wants to take them for a WEEK 13 hours away! I would rather sit in jail for contempt of court than let him take my kids there. that family is completely immoral. that is the family that sweeps sexual abuse under the rug and says "well, boys will be boys". that is the family that thinks nothing of letting a five year old watch a sex scene on tv. that is a family of alcoholics that can't hold a job and is too busy getting drunk to watch their own kids. no, no, no, no!!! i will not let him do this. he can go to hell (he's on his way there anyway). i'm sorry, but right now i hate that man. i honestly want the man to die. i do. yes, it would be hard on the kids to go through the funeral, but overall, they would be less one more evil in the world. UGH! i need to punch something. or bake. yep. i'm baking

I don't understand the timing. I'm not sure if this is even real. Did I read things right or is it just my hopeful imagination? I remember that look though. I had forgotten what a beautiful person he is. Hold on, girl. Just be patient and see where he leads. Today is simply today. I will enjoy the smile on my face and not anticipate anything beyond that.

I need someone. My heart is breaking inside of me and there is no one to lean on. I want to call him. I want him to come rushing over and take me in his arms and hold me until the crying stops. I want him to tell me that it will all be okay and that he will stay with me through it all. I want to hear his voice and feel his arms. I want to just sink into his embrace. I'm so tired of fighting all these battles on my own. I want to let him stand beside me. I want him to hold my hand. I want him to pray with me and for me. I want him to share my pain. I want him to love me again. I want to call him so badly, but i know, i know that it would not be best. even if we were to start a relationship again, this is not how to start it. don't i have to be strong and self-sufficient and content and happy and all "life is great" to start a relationship? if that really is true it sucks because i'm so far from that right now. at times i consider the possibility that i may never remarry and i think, "hey, it's okay. we are doing fine just the three of us. i can do this." but most of the time, i ache. everything within me screams out to love a man. to cherish him, to support him, to respect him, and to be proud of him. to complete the longing in his own heart. today, it was just too much. again, i have been betrayed by a "christian" and i am sick. how can this all be justified? how can people love and follow a man that just bends the rules to suit his conveniences? ugh! i want a drink! i drink all of maybe 6 times a year, but the past week has been shitty and all i want is a drink. i'm so weary. why am i trying to do this on my own when there is a man out there wanting to stand beside me. can't i just ignore the concerns i had before and just go? he's good enough, right? except he's not. despite what i feel about God at the moment, i picked one spouse on my own without any of God's help and we can see how fabulously that worked. if God doesn't direct it, it will never be good enough. so why can't i just say, hey, we will just date and hang out, but not get too serious? but i know that that won't work either. i loved the man once and he loved me. we slept together. alot. and it was amazing. after all the love we shared, there is no casual dating. and quite frankly, if i did start seeing him again, i probably would fall in love with him all over again, even if i tried not to. i can't risk it. i have to wait for God to move. until then, i sit alone tears slipping down my cheeks, waiting. waiting for something that may never come. i'm tired of dreaming. i'm tired of looking at wedding magazines and thinking of what i may want. i'm tired of wishing for ireland. and now on top of it all, i get to help my ex's girlfriend plan her wedding. so i get to see my kids all dressed up as flower girl and ring bearer, but not for me. please, just twist the knife a little harder, i'm still breathing. the pastor doing the ceremony? a pastor that i loved and respected. and now he is marrying my ex, who is not a christian and has been living with this woman basically since he left my bed. seriously. what is the point. i'm so pissed at christians right now. i'm so tired of the constant hypocrisy and bullshit. either you believe it or you don't. suck it up and live it, whatever it is you believe. i'm angry, i'm overwhelmed, i'm lonely, i'm scared, i'm weak, and i just want him. and i can't have him. two years ago the man wanted to marry me. i followed God's direction and broke off the relationship. now look where i am. is God just screwing with me? i don't really believe that, but it sure feels like it right now. those people that say "Jesus bring the rain" are pissing me off too. here, take some of my rain, i'm freaking drowning in all the rain.