Time to say goodbye

Today was our last Sunday at the church we have called home for over a decade. We are going to start attending a church closer to our home that we have started becoming increasingly involved with over the past year. Our "home" church only has services on Sunday mornings while this new church offers Sunday morning and evening services as well as AWANA on Weds. nights for the kids and prayer meeting for the adults. Over the past year, I have felt a pull towards this church. It is more conservative than what I am used to, but it has challenged me to open mind a little bit more. I have grown to love this church and I have watched as my children have been embraced, loved, encouraged and supported in ways that I have longed and prayed for since my ex-husband left. I have no doubt that this is the right decision. However, as I sat in church today knowing it was our last Sunday I had two very different feelings. First, I realized more and more how I have begun to see our new church more as our home church. I felt almost as though I was a visitor there today. Second, a sorrow fell over me looking around at the people that I love seeing week to week. I know that we will still keep in touch, but I do love these people and look forward to that face to face contact. To give a hug, a kiss, a touch, those things don't transfer via facebook and e-mail. One thing that caught me off guard today though was saying goodbye to the man that still holds a piece of my heart. The only time we see each other is in church and although our relationship has long been over, there is still a gentle fondness of each other. We honestly want the best for each other. He adores my kids and still greets them and hugs them whenever he sees them. He looks at me with a gentle support that I love. I told him of our decision to leave and he encouraged me that this other church is a great church and he is sure that I will be fed and encouraged there. I found out that he has a brother that attends that church as well. We spoke a bit more, exchanged hugs and left. When he walked away, I felt tears trying to sting my eyes. I guess there has always been a comfort in knowing that he was there. I still care for this man. As I look back over it, I loved this man like I have loved no other. I loved my husband greatly, but love was always mixed with extreme pain. I loved my fiance' before that, but it was a young love. This man stole my heart. It's been almost 4 years and I still love seeing his smile. I know that our chance of making anything of "us" is long past gone, but I have loved being able to stay in touch with him. He does not own a computer (he doesn't see the point) so there is no e-mail or facebook. So for him, I really felt as though this was an ending. The possibility is there of course that I will see him again, but I am not expecting to see him anytime soon. So I walked out of church today, and drove away with tears in my eyes, not only for him, but for all those that I will miss. This church has been my home for over a decade. They have stood with my through a very difficult marriage, my heart breaking divorce and my journey into single motherhood. For that I am sorrowful for leaving it behind, but there is an excitement about getting fully involved with this new church. My children have thrived at this church and it has been so very good for me. So it really is with mixed emotions that I leave. I just know that it is time to say goodbye.