Monday, August 31, 2009
Weary & anxious
I woke up this morning before the alarm ever went off. It's not that I was well rested (am I ever?), but because I had this overwhelming feeling of nausea in the pit of my stomach. I knew right away that it was anxiety, not the flu. What did I have to be this anxious about? There are always stresses and worries, but it is very rare that I feel this level of anxiety. I did my quiet time and kept trying to shake it, but it hung like fog over me and all around me. I headed into the shower and it all hit me. Tomorrow my daughter starts school. I am very excited for her and it will be so good for her. However, this marks the beginning of the end. My ex-husband and I separated when my daughter was only four months old. So from the age of four months, she has been in some sort of childcare while I worked. There was this part of me that thought that I would remarry fairly soon after my divorce and that I would once again be a stay at home mom. I have always struggled with the fact that my daughter has been partially raised by various childcare providers. With her starting school tomorrow, it signals the end of her "carefree" years. No longer will I have the option to keep her home if I have a day off of work. I have lost those precious years that most moms get to spend with their kids. They are gone. She is now headed for school and all I get is the summer (which I still have to work through). All these thoughts overwhelmed and for the first time in a very long time I completely broke down. I sobbed. The tears ran from my eyes and my body shook. Everything within me ached. And then there it was. My old friend returned. Guilt. Guilt that I have not been enough for my kids. Guilt that I will never be able to be enough, that I will never be able to be the kind of mom I always wanted to be. Guilt that my children will always have to settle for second best. If I had not married so spontaneously. If I had followed God's will in my choice for a spouse. If I. . . .it never ends. The guilt and the anxiety sent me tumbling to the ground. I was being beat down by invisible fists and I was too weak to stand. Somewhere in the midst of it all I hear this very small voice say "I am sufficient". I want to believe. I want to trust that despite the circumstances that surround my children's childhood God will bless them and strengthen them. I want to believe. Some days are just too hard. So I head into today feeling very small and very weary. My eyes burn. My heart aches.
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Dear Anonymous Friend, (May I call you that?)
ReplyDeleteI cannot express how much my heart resonates with everything you have described. I got married when I was 19 (it's a long story), had a baby at 22, and went through a divorce at 25 (not exactly my choice). I am well-acquainted with the feelings you describe. As a single mom, there was this pervading feeling that no matter how hard I try (working three jobs while my little girl was in daycare), my best isn't good enough. Few things can be more heartbreaking than to look in your kid's face and feel like they deserve so much more and yet, I can't give it to them. The failure and guilt is overwhelming. Over and over I would say to myself, "I'm doing EVERYTHING I possibly can, but it's still not enough. My best isn't good enough."
I'm trying not to write a mini-novel here, but there were so many situations where God showed me how He was making up the difference in my daughter's life. I'm 36 now (and remarried). And the truth I have learned is, that even a "happily married stay-at-home mom who gives her very best," isn't good enough either. None of us are. We are all desperately in need of a Savior - not just for salvation, but for every day living.
So much more to say, but I don't want to overstay my "welcome" here. Please be encouraged. God is always working behind the scenes. And He always surprises us when we least expect it.
Denise