Cleaning out my closet (and I don't mean the shoes!)

I hate to admit this, but when I first got divorced, I would pick up bridal magazines from time to time and just look through them and mark things that I thought may be useful if I ever re-married. I would dream of the day that I would find a wonderful man to step in beside me and walk with me through the rest of my life. After all these years I have still hung onto them keeping them as a little secret that I was too embarrassed to tell anyone about. Every once in a while I would dig them out and look through them and allow myself to dream a little. This past week things have changed. I am beginning to wonder if all that I have been going through, especially the last year or so, is God's way of preparing me to remain single the rest of my life. Honestly, the thought scares me a little. So many people tell me what a "strong" woman I am, but I feel so very weak and insecure. I really doubt myself quite a bit about just about everything: parenting, finances, employment decisions, church commitment, etc... So the thought of being on my own for the rest of my life seems a little overwhelming. I have no one to bounce ideas off of. Everything rises and falls on my shoulders. But, I'm realizing that that may be what God has for me, and if it is, I will take it. It may be scary, but if He wants me to be a single mom, then that is what is best for me and my kids. Even if I found a great Christian guy to marry, if it's not God's will, then it's second best. I don't want second best. As the song goes, "I'm not settlin' with just getting by/I've had enough so-so for the rest of my life/Tired of shooting to low/ Gonna raise the bar high/Just not given up this time/I ain't settling for anything less than everything" I feel as though I'm standing at the edge of a cliff just waiting for the push to send me over. It looks so scary below, but what if I take that step and instead of falling, I fly? Do I really trust that God will lead me to the absolute best life for me and my kids if I only take His hand? It's all about trusting God with a very unknown future. Am I really willing to do this? As scary as it is, at this moment I am saying yes. Yes I will trust Him and follow Him wherever the road may lead. I'm not living my life on hold just waiting for that "prince" to come riding around the corner and "save" my little family. Yes, I have this amazingly strong heart's desire to be a wife again, but all in all, my biggest heart's desire is for my kids. I want them to grow into an amazing man and an amazing woman after God's own heart. I want them to touch people's lives and be a great power for God's kingdom. I want their little hearts to be sold out to Him. What if it is God's plan for me to raise these little ones without a husband? Dare I act like Moses and say "No, I can't do that!"? No. God created me and He knows my strengths and my many weaknesses. He knows the course best suited for me. So all of that to say that this evening, I dug out those bridal magazines and page by page I burned each and everyone. The flowers, the rings, the flower girl dresses, the colors, the themes, the tuxes, the bridesmaids dresses, the cakes, the favors, and of course, the wedding dresses. They are all gone. Their ashes rose up and where swept away in the wind like a symbolic sacrifice. Gone are the days that I trust but I still hold onto a safety line. I am letting go (again). I am stepping out. I am closing my eyes and stepping off the edge of the cliff. I am praying that I will fly. Here goes nothing.