three days

3 days. for three days i have been fighting you. you made it very clear what you wanted me to do, but i have fought. and now this is the third night that i have not slept. i know that i'm fighting and that i'm going against your Word, but i just don't feel ready to take it on. plus, i don't even know how to ask you for forgiveness. i don't know where to start. i feel so weak. i feel so useless. i don't like this at all, but i don't want to travel this road you have put before me. so what do i do? do i just continue to fight you and be miserable? or do i finally sacrifice my pride and my hurt and start this journey. i don't feel strong enough. and i don't want to let go of my anger yet. but i don't like who i am right now. i don't like not being in fellowship with you. so where do i begin? can i really just ask for forgiveness and you will simply forgive? don't i need to feel more "broken" over all of this? i'm tired. physically, emotionally, spiritually. i'm just tired. your faithfulness is new every morning right? so can i wait till morning? or is that just proving the point that i'm still not surrendering to you? i don't know. i just know it's been a long three days.