It's official. I have lost my joy. Wednesday night prayer meetings have always been such a joy for me, but tonight it was different. I am worried and I can't shake it. I am doubting God. I have to move next year, which originally I was planning on doing anyway, but I found out yesterday that although the local school does provide all day Kindergarten, it is tuition based. I was counting on not having to pay tuition or childcare next year. And get this, the tuition is higher than what I am paying for my daughter's preschool this year! I am not doubting that God will provide a place to live, I am just thinking that it will be a tiny two bedroom apartment far away from work and church. Or worse, in the city. My aunt is trying to get me to buy this rediculously cheap mobile home just because it is so cheap. It is a two bedroom that needs work and it's in the junky park where it is just these homes parked on concrete. No grass, no area for the kids to play, about 3o minutes from church and 40 minutes from work, but she's convinced that I should take it. It's what I can afford after all. That right there is my fear. That that is what I will be stuck with. God says that He will provide our needs, not our wants. That trailer would provide shelter for us, that is a need. Yet it is nothing that I would ever want. There was this house that my boss was considering buying and renting out to me that I was in love with. A three bedroom ranch, two car attached garage, a full finished basement, 4 acres of land (surrounded by farm land that my boss would also buy and farm), literally 2 minutes from church and about 5 minutes from work. I fell in love with it! Now it looks like it is falling through. Even if it didn't fall through, I couldn't afford to rent it with this added tuition expense next year. Yes, my joy is gone. Doubt has taken over. I feel selfish and petty and oh so distant from Him right now. For the first time in a very long time, I am not content. This feels so strange and just ucky. :(