I need someone. My heart is breaking inside of me and there is no one to lean on. I want to call him. I want him to come rushing over and take me in his arms and hold me until the crying stops. I want him to tell me that it will all be okay and that he will stay with me through it all. I want to hear his voice and feel his arms. I want to just sink into his embrace. I'm so tired of fighting all these battles on my own. I want to let him stand beside me. I want him to hold my hand. I want him to pray with me and for me. I want him to share my pain. I want him to love me again. I want to call him so badly, but i know, i know that it would not be best. even if we were to start a relationship again, this is not how to start it. don't i have to be strong and self-sufficient and content and happy and all "life is great" to start a relationship? if that really is true it sucks because i'm so far from that right now. at times i consider the possibility that i may never remarry and i think, "hey, it's okay. we are doing fine just the three of us. i can do this." but most of the time, i ache. everything within me screams out to love a man. to cherish him, to support him, to respect him, and to be proud of him. to complete the longing in his own heart. today, it was just too much. again, i have been betrayed by a "christian" and i am sick. how can this all be justified? how can people love and follow a man that just bends the rules to suit his conveniences? ugh! i want a drink! i drink all of maybe 6 times a year, but the past week has been shitty and all i want is a drink. i'm so weary. why am i trying to do this on my own when there is a man out there wanting to stand beside me. can't i just ignore the concerns i had before and just go? he's good enough, right? except he's not. despite what i feel about God at the moment, i picked one spouse on my own without any of God's help and we can see how fabulously that worked. if God doesn't direct it, it will never be good enough. so why can't i just say, hey, we will just date and hang out, but not get too serious? but i know that that won't work either. i loved the man once and he loved me. we slept together. alot. and it was amazing. after all the love we shared, there is no casual dating. and quite frankly, if i did start seeing him again, i probably would fall in love with him all over again, even if i tried not to. i can't risk it. i have to wait for God to move. until then, i sit alone tears slipping down my cheeks, waiting. waiting for something that may never come. i'm tired of dreaming. i'm tired of looking at wedding magazines and thinking of what i may want. i'm tired of wishing for ireland. and now on top of it all, i get to help my ex's girlfriend plan her wedding. so i get to see my kids all dressed up as flower girl and ring bearer, but not for me. please, just twist the knife a little harder, i'm still breathing. the pastor doing the ceremony? a pastor that i loved and respected. and now he is marrying my ex, who is not a christian and has been living with this woman basically since he left my bed. seriously. what is the point. i'm so pissed at christians right now. i'm so tired of the constant hypocrisy and bullshit. either you believe it or you don't. suck it up and live it, whatever it is you believe. i'm angry, i'm overwhelmed, i'm lonely, i'm scared, i'm weak, and i just want him. and i can't have him. two years ago the man wanted to marry me. i followed God's direction and broke off the relationship. now look where i am. is God just screwing with me? i don't really believe that, but it sure feels like it right now. those people that say "Jesus bring the rain" are pissing me off too. here, take some of my rain, i'm freaking drowning in all the rain.