yep, he's engaged

it's a good thing i don't keep alcohol in the house. i just found out that my ex-husband is engaged and i want to drink. not that i'm all that upset about him getting married, but i'm concerned about the ramifications it will have for my kids. not going to get into details, but if he gets married, things drastically change and i lose some of my control over his influence on them. so yes, i want to drink. of course it is st. patrick's day, so i have even another reason to drink. ugh. it does bug me a bit that he is getting married. he's the one that can't manage a relationship and that screwed up time and time again. i kept forgiving him and giving him a second chance and he couldn't do it. now he's the one that gets to find love? it's been a beautiful day here today and i'm so grateful. had it been a dreary nasty day, this would have been even harder to take. the man has no idea what love truly is. seriously. i know alot of women complain about their ex-husbands, but really, he had no clue. we went through 3 separations in our five year marriage before the divorce. i tried. i tried everything i could think of (and i have alot of regrets for sacrificing myself to make him temporarily happy). the day before i threw him out for good, he exploded with anger at me because i wouldn't give him the money i had to get our infant daughter diapers. she was out of diapers and his only concern was getting high. yep, he was a gem. it didn't start out that way though. when we met, he seemed like this fairy tale guy. we lived together for a while (remember at this point i wanted God to have nothing to do with my relationships with men since i felt like He had abandoned me in that area), and he portrayed himself as almost perfect. he worked first shift and would get home before i would. i would walk in the door to a perfectly clean house, the laundry done and put away, most of the time candles burning, and dinner on the table. we would fight over doing dishes. not the way couples usually do, but he never wanted to let me do them. the only cleaning he wouldn't do was the bathroom. everything else he took care of. he even went to church with me a couple times. when we would sleep at night, we used to always have our legs touching. we didn't have to be all over each other, but we always wanted to have some part of us touching. he was kind and sweet and caring and hard-working and he really seemed to be it. he was the one that pushed to be married. i didn't want to rush, but he was just so anxious. three months after we were married, my son was born. the week he was born, the change happened. it's like he knew he had me trapped. he would be gone to 3 or 4 in the morning and come home drunk or high and then want me to call him in sick for work (like i was his mother). i'll never forget the first phone call i got. the one from his ex that informed me that she had slept with him the night before. and that was just the beginning. i was in so shell-shocked i didn't know what to do. here i have this newborn baby and the man i love is destroying everything i had held hope in. for five more years i put up with the addictions, the cheating, the constant lying. i lost so much of myself during that time. and now, he gets to be the one to get married. he can't handle marriage. here i am and all i have ever wanted was to be a wife and mother (stay-at-home mother), and it is forever out of my reach. in all reality, there are not even any prospects in the horizon, although some of my friends seem so anxious to see me married they will go nuts about any single guy that looks twice at me (which can be rather embarrassing when they are not shy about it). i really don't know if i will ever remarry. i want to, but i won't go through the crap i went through before. if such a "perfect" guy can transform so quickly into such an a-hole, how can i ever trust again? seriously. and now it's not just me, it's my kids. it's not about just having a husband for me, but about having a father for my kids. a father that will talk to them more than one time in two or three months. a father that they can respect and learn from. a father that will teach them God's Word. a father that will love them and treasure them as if they were his own. but alas, i look ahead and i only see more road. i don't see a companion waiting in the wings. oh well. but, he, he gets engaged.