Two roads diverged

Background: Two years ago I dated a man that I fell madly in love with. He adored my children, he adored me, and he was a good Christian man. He attended my church, he was a little bit older than me (I dig that) and he had been divorced at that time for two years. He treated me like a princess. I met his family (they loved me) and he met mine (my fam was iffy on him). My kids loved him. We talked of marriage. Unfortunately we took a good thing and let sin ruin it. We began to sleep together. That was a big problem in itself, but it was even worse that we were VERY good together. I mean, it was amazing and absolutely addicting! We kept trying to stop and start fresh. We confided in a close Christian couple to hold us accountable even. Nothing seemed to help. The moment we were together, the passion overcame us. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. I then began to be resentful that it kept happening and part of me wanted him (since he was the man and supposedly to be the leader of our household if it came to that) to be the stronger one and work harder to get it to stop. I had been married before to a man that was not a Christian and I grew very tired of being the leader in everything in our household. I took care of the finances, the kids, disciplining the kids, the spiritual direction of the family, the day to day of running the household and even most of the maintenance around the house. Being the "man" of the house for fives years in that marriage, left a very bitter taste in my mouth. I longed to partner with someone and be able to look up to a man as the leader. Then this struggle came along in this great relationship, and the more we sinned the more respect I lost for him. I know that part of this was unfair as it does take "two to tangle" so to say, but I wanted a man that encouraged me to be a better person, woman, mother and most importantly, a better child of God. I ended up breaking off the relationship with many tears on both sides. It was very difficult. I still saw him in church and my heart broke every time I saw him. We tried to be friends, but it was too difficult to keep it at only a friend level. We eventually avoided each other all together for a little over a year. After that we ended up in the same small group Bible study together. It was awkward at first, but then we both relaxed and got to the point where we could make small talk together. Fast forward several months to last December. We were having our Christmas party for our Bible study group and somehow he and I kept gravitating towards each other. We laughed and talked and thoroughly enjoyed each other's company. Through all this, that couple that tried to hold us accountable back in the beginning, became very good friends of mine. At this point, the woman is my best friend. After this Christmas party her husband asked her if something was going on with us again. She told me that we looked like a couple that night. I think that he and I both felt a little weird after that night and we both backed off a bit. Keep in mind that this whole time, anytime my kids, especially my daughter, saw him in church they would run up to him and give him a hug. Last Sunday night there was a concert at our church. We got there early and saved seats and did not come back to them until the concert was about to start. This man was just three seats down from us. My daughter ran to him and sat with him almost the entire night. Since then he keeps coming to mind surrounded by question marks. This morning at church, I sat with my best friend and held her baby while she slept almost the entire service. Since she was still sleeping after service was over, it gave my girlfriend and I an excuse to chat. I told her my thoughts expecting her to encourage me to keep my distance. That was not what I got. She informed me that she had been thinking about him lately. She asked me if I would ever consider him again. I told her that I still had concerns about where he was spiritually, since I had no way of knowing since we did not have any kind of deep discussion in over 2 and a half years. Now her husband is a friend of his as well. They are not super close, but they have alot in common and they hang out together. She told me that her husband had been wanting to check up on him lately and just see where he was really ate in his walk with the Lord. So know, she is going to let me know via her hubby (which he is aware of), if he has grown much the past 2 years. She told me to start praying about the possibility of a relationship with him again. My fears: 1) If we were to start a relationship again, we would know where it was headed. There would not be any casual dating, we both know too much of each other and that we both want to remarry. 2) If we were seeing each other again, how the heck would we keep our hands off each other? It may sound petty, but never had I known such a passionate relationship. I would not trust us alone for anything! 3) What if we started this up again and then I realize that he is not the one God wants for me? I cannot break his heart (or mine) again. It might sound odd, but I feel like before I would even think of a relationship with him again, I would almost have to know that he is the one God wants me to marry. That seems so nuts. I am truly scared about this whole thing. It really shocked me when my girlfriend told me she had been thinking about him. I guess I have to do what she suggest and just pray about this whole thing. I am praying that when my friend's husband talks to him and spends time with him, he will get a very clear picture of where he is spiritually and that it would be made clear to me one way or another. As much as I long to remarry, I am terrified of making another mistake. I don't trust my own judgement at all. No matter who it is, God would have to make it so abundantly, explicitly, you can't miss obvious that this man is the man for me. I have so much more to lose this time around. There's so much more at risk. Again, I know that this blog is pretty much anonymous, but whoever may read this, please be at prayer that this either be made clear that this is a direction I should follow from God, or that the door be shut completely and I get on with my life. Ugh. Some days I really don't like being single.