home

I'm not ready to pray. I know that's it's been a long time, but so much has come crashing down around me. The sexual assault, my son's health, my ex's engagement and my own overwhelming lonliness. So I'm not ready to pray. Instead I go home. Home to the lake. This lake has always held a special place in my heart, and to me, here is home. The chilled breeze, the sound of the waves crashing on the rocks below, the seagulls and the neverending sky. I sit on a rock surrounded by the tranquility of the lake and I try to let it all go. I want to sink beneath the waves and let them wash over my heart cleansing it of the pain there. One single tear. That's all I will allow. And I don't understand that tear. I am supposed to be stronger than this. Why do I feel so weak? I am only human yes, but I am a woman. That means that not only do I handle it all, but I have to look good doing it. And yet here at this moment, I feel very small. I want to stay. I don't want to leave, but I am very aware that time continues on whether I'm ready or not. I must go on with my day. The beautiful plastic facade slipped for a moment, but now, now I leave. Now I go back to facing the world with a smile and matching heels.