Erotic

Something else that I will miss by never remarrying is being able to be erotic. Not just sex, although that has been and will continue to be difficult, but the day to day sexiness. Every girl has those things that she only wears at home. The little track shorts that are way too short to wear out, or the cute little top that is way too revealing. That's stuff that just stays in the house, which is fine, but part of the fun of wearing things like that at home it to turn your husband on. Without a husband I don't get that privilege. This may sound so stupid to some people, but just realize that for me to be a good woman, I need to dress in a modest, somewhat conservative manner. I have to dress so as to not turn a man on. I don't get the chance to be erotic and to be the object of desire for a man. Part of the issue is that I honestly love sex. I enjoy it. I love being that close with a man, feeling that connection, feeling beautiful, feeling free. Sex is great. It is fun and can be mind-blowing. Part of the fun of sex is what leads up to it. I love the fun of turning a man on. Of kissing him suggestively when he's not expecting it, of dressing in a way that even if I'm just washing dishes all he can think of is how soon he can get at me, of walking past him and slapping his ass, of fulfilling his secret fantasies, of trying something new, of dressing up in some costume, oh and the best, buying new lingerie that I know he will love. I loved doing that kind of stuff when I was married (and with that one boyfriend). I feel like I have lost something intrinsically feminine by losing the chance to be sexy. To be a godly woman I must never strive to arouse a man again. How sad is that? It's something so simple that I think most women take for granted, but I feel like with this realization I have lost part of what makes me a woman. To always have to be dressed perfectly and to always be cautious of my actions and how they may be perceived by a man. I just miss it and will continue to miss it. It's not just giving up sex, it's giving up all forms of eroticism, of being flirtatious, of being desired. I will never know that look from a man again. That look that is filled with desire and overcome by love. I'm sorry, but that is a loss. It would be so much easier to stay single had I never experienced any of this in the past. Just another way that God's way is best.