today

today i have felt almost normal. i am finally starting to sleep again, although i am staying up until i'm so exhausted i have no choice but to collapse in bed. my kids are doing well and they are laughing and playing, never knowing the demons raging inside of their mother. i found a great counselor and although she is expensive, my pastor is working on getting the church to cover the majority of the cost. part of me is glad that i will be going, the other part of me is afraid of the dark. the dark of digging up the death of a small part of me. i know that it will be good when all is said and done, but it will be a dark valley to walk through. i am trusting that God will give me the strength. i say that, but i am still struggling to read my Bible and pray. i don't really know why i'm staying away. i do know that when i pray, i journal my prayers and it is pretty much impossible to hide anything in prayer. maybe i believe that if i don't pray and open this up to God, then i don't have to ask the questions. questions like why did He even allow this to happen. i was following Him. after some seriously rough high school years i went to a two year Bible school. the night before my graduation is when it happened. after serving Him for two years and seeking His heart, that's when it happened. why then? what was it that made it the "right time"? i've never asked that question. and this was not some "heathen" man, it was a "good christian" guy. someone who was supposedly my friend. a dear friend. no wonder i have issues with trusting guys. no wonder i walked away from that and decided that God had no part of my relationship with men. why did He allow this? He knew my heart. He knew my spirit and that this would tear me apart. why would He let this happen? i don't understand and i don't want to be asking these questions. because what are the answers? what can anyone possibly say to make all of this okay? who needs a counselor when i can blog. i know i still need to go, but this blogging is definetly helping me to sort through some things in my own mind. especially since i'm afraid to pray. i'm exhausted again and i'm getting yet another headache from thinking about all of this. time to go back into the reality i've created for myself.