numb

I feel very numb today. As if I'm on autopilot. I'm sitting here looking around the house, knowing all the work that needs to be done. I need to be cleaning. I need to start baking. I have a dinner party tonight and I'm providing the desserts. I have just over six hours before I have to be there and yet I cannot get myself motivated to start baking. I love to bake. But today, I just want to go back to bed. Why did these memories come back? Why now? After 11 years of blissful denial, why now? This will get easier, won't it? I need to believe that. I just want to fall asleep. Why can't I just go back to denying all of this. Why can't I just erase this week or that night for that matter? It will get better. It has to. It can't get any worse. So for now, I'll keep moving on autopilot. Doing what needs to be done, while my eyes burn with emotion and my heart refuses to beat. I will still be that good girl that everything is wonderful for. What choice do I have?