from baby steps to skipping

Two weeks ago on Friday, I felt as though God was really tugging on my heart. Little did I know what He had in store. For several months prior to that Friday, I had grown content. Being content is a wonderful thing to achieve in every area except your spritual walk. I had become content with being a "good" Christian. I pretty much sailed through life doing what I knew I ought without much thought as to where I was going. I took my time each morning to read the Word and spend time in prayer, but then I would go on about my day never giving serious consideration to what I had just read. It's like in James1:23-24 "For if you just listen and don't obey, it is like looking at your face in a mirror but doing nothing to improve your appearance. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like." I kinda figured I had it all under control. Life was good! I was pleased with my life. However, God was not. During this time of looking in the mirror daily and just walking away, the Holy Spirit began to shine the light on that mirror. I began getting this gnawing feeling that there was more out there that I was missing. Around the New Year, I sat down and really thought back over the past few years and how I've changed. At first I was pretty pleased. I had been through some tough times, but God had brought me through and my relationship with Him had grown stronger because of it. I learned things about myself and my God that I had never known before. So I gave myself a little pat on the back. But the Holy Spirit would not let me get away with just a quick glance in the mirror. Over the next several days, I began to look into that mirror a little deeper. Sure, I could compare myself to myself a few years back and feel like I was doing okay, but what would happen when I compared myself to the Word of God? Then that Friday morning I had read Proverbs 16:9 which states, "We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps." I have read that verse I'm sure over a hundred times, but that day it really stuck in my mind. Then as I was stuck in the wonderful traffic, I was listening to the radio and they were talking about patience. They were giving suggestions on what to do when you were made to wait to avoid being impatient. They specifically mentioned if you were stuck in traffic, to spend that time in prayer. I decided to turn off the radio at that point and I started praying aloud (much to the amusement I'm sure to those in the cars next to me!). God brought Proverbs 16:9 to my mind again and it just kept replaying in my mind. ". . .the LORD determines our steps." Then the I realized what it was He had been trying to tell me: baby steps. Yes, I had grown the past few years and had become closer with my Lord, but it had all been baby steps. It's like God was leading me down this path and I was willingly going, but I was tiptioeing the whole way. I was headed in the right direction, but I was holding back as well. At that moment I said out loud "No more baby steps." I felt like God was wanting me to surrender and trust that He would bring me to the place He wanted and needed me to be. I felt like He had these amazing plans for me and I was like a toddler hanging on to her daddy's hand dragging my feet. It was very clear that He just wanted me to stop trying to control everything and just rest in the fact that He knew exactly where He was leading me and it would be what was best for not only me, but my children as well. There is a song by Travis Cottrell that I have always loved that sums up what I was feeling at that moment. "On the edge of something new and brave; every breath is another step of faith; part of me still likes the ground where I feel safe and sound; but You push me, pull me and I finally let go; You have Your reasons; falling, falling, I am falling into the heart of Someone so much stronger; falling, falling, into love." I felt this immediate release and pure peace come over me. I was done taking baby steps, I was ready to just jump in. By the end of the day, I was unemployed. Didn't see that coming! Yet, I was still at peace. I knew God was in control and He had a plan. I thought I was done. I had surrendered everything to Him and I was at peace. Little did I know that He was just beginning. The past two weeks He has pretty much ripped away any preconceptions I had about where He may have been leading me. I feel like I'm reading the Bible for the first time all over again. Even when I thought I had surrendered everything, I still had my little holdouts that I was sure He would be okay with. I am finding now, that I need to stop peering down the path and start looking up into His eyes instead. Even when I stopped dragging my feet, I was still trying to figure out what the grand plan was. He took it all away. The distractions, the control, everything I thought I needed and was so very important. And some of that hurt. I was left with nothing to look to except into His eyes. I've realized that sometimes it goes beyond surrender, He needs us broken as well. I had been looking around the web at a couple of different churches that friends are either leading or involved in and I came across an article written by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Something she wrote stuck out to me. She said, "The heart that has been emptied of itself and broken of its willfulness and resistance, is the heart that will experience the filling and the reviving of our glorious, holy God, Who humbled Himself, that He might lift us up." That is what I want! I want to be out of control. I want to gleefully take my Father's hand and skip down the path He has for me, all the while looking up into His eyes and seeing the overwhelming love and sacrifice He has for me. After all, He not only knows the journey ahead, He knows the destination as well.