I thought of you today.

For the first time in a long time. 

I don't know why you came to my mind,

but there you were.

My mind began to replay that night

Not as a movie,

but more as a slide show

with cracks and pieces missing.

One thing is abundantly clear

The fear.

That moment when I realized

"This is much more than a kiss."

When I knew that this was going somewhere I didn't want to go

and I couldn't stop it.

My "No" was not being heard.

The tears in my eyes were not being seen.

The moment I saw what was going to happen

The moment terror gripped my heart

That moment is forever etched into my mind.

It will not fade

That scar will not heal

And I accept that

And . . .

I forgive you

After over 13 years

I can say I forgive you

You were young

You were impulsive

You told me you loved me

A love that you had kept hidden all year long

that was finally bursting free

You did not understand that hurt you were causing

You did not see the wounds that cut so deep

I did not even know the damage that was being done

My body knew

What my mind denied

My body screamed

As I tried to forget what happened

My body rebelled

It screamed at me to listen

That next day my body won

It stopped

It froze

I lost consciousness

over and over again

They called an ambulance

I missed my own college graduation

because my body knew

It knew

Years later

My mind began to realize

Then slowly my heart

and my soul

I grieved

For the first time

I grieved

For days I cried

But today

I am done grieving

Today I release you

I forgive you

You did not know the pain

You did not see the tears

You loved me

It was a young, impulsive and very blind love

but love nonetheless

I don't excuse you

but I almost understand

So I forgive you

I can even wish you well

God is good

His grace is sure

His mercy never-ending

new blog

I am just starting a new blog that will include crafts, recipes and my typical musings about everyday life. http://simplicity-tr.blogspot.com/

Creativity on Crack

That is what I call Pinterest. I recently discovered Pinterest and I am completely addicted. I have gotten some wonderful ideas from there! And yes . . . I have actually used what I have discovered. About once a week I am using a recipe I found there and the organizational tips are a life saver!! Plus I have made a few crafty-type things! I am not a crafty person either, but there are such simple crafts that I can even do on there. (Case in point: see pics). I love it!

Cooking=Love

Cooking for others = LOVE

and everything came to a screeching halt

I just found out that a former co-worker/friend of mine lost her husband. To suicide. They have 3 children. One a senior in high school and two in college. They were good conservative Christians. She was one of the few people I held in high respect at work. I can't sleep. My head is throbbing. I ache all over for her. I just keep thinking, "What is she going to do?". I simply cannot fathom what she is going through. I'm not close enough to her to call her so I sent her an email. I didn't know what to say. I just ache for her. I cannot imagine the devastation. What is she going to do? How do you move on from your husband killing himself? I don't know how to help her. I keep trying to pray, but all that comes out are cries. I want to hold my husband so much tighter. My issues seem so trivialized after this. I hurt for her. I wonder if there is anyone in my life that is considering such a thing right now. Who can I reach out to? I don't understand. Abba, hold her close. Sustain her. And open my eyes to those struggling around me.

1 - 2 sucker punch

Wow. What a day. Or, really, what an afternoon. The two things that are the most important to me, being a wife and mother, are under attack. First my mother-in-law. She has been critical of me from time to time and I have tried to handle it with grace and understanding. I have tried to take what she has said and evaluate if there is something I need to change. 3 months into our marriage she gave me a book and a letter. The book was about a woman's perspective of life on the farm. In her letter, she stated that she didn't think I understood what farm life was about. I was hurt and offended. However, I read the book and then sat with her for a couple of hours and we had a good talk. I confessed to her that I do feel insecure about the farm life, because this all so new to me. Things seem to be going well. Then a couple weeks ago, little comments were being made. I tried to blow them off and chalk it up to "maybe she didn't mean it that way" kind of thing. One comment (on facebook) last week hit a bit hard and I did respond. I tried to be very respectful, yet stand my ground. She never responded. I then tried to reach out to her by sending little messages to her. She never responded. Then today, I posted a little poster/sign on facebook about teaching our daughters about the kind of man they should marry and raising our sons to be that kind of man. I left the comment that it was simple, but full of truth. This was her response: "Not simple at all. I think my son, your husband is that kind of man. But look at the other end of the spectrum, God gave man a Woman to be his Help Mate , to share his life, to know what he has to do each day and BE a help mate not one who expects him to meet all her needs and she does nothing in return. A famer's wife's job is not contained to the four walls of her home, it includes the day to day work of the farming operation. Would you as a parent not feed , house & get medical care for your children? So it is with being a farmers's wife, you are responsible for seeing that the animals that put food on your table and a roof over your head are cared for, fed, watered, milked, medicated, etc. YOU are responsible for being the help mate to your husband. I think the only thing you read from the book by Connie Oney about farm life was that she was an insecure bride. Being insecure is completely unbibical. Phillippines 4: 13 says" I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength". Put your insecurities aside and do something to help your husband. There are calf chore people needed on the week-end (you are not home schooling then). (My husband) is in charge of the record keeping and he has not had time to finish a single month since your married him. I think the poster should say learn to be a compassionate wife and not expect your husband to do everything for you and you do nothing in return for him. Instead of handing him "to do" list offer what can you do to make his life easier." Wow. I felt like I had been sucker-punched. Tears sprang to my eyes as I reread it, hoping that somehow I wasn't really seeing this. And it was on my wall. For all to see! I have decided that I am just not even going to respond. When my husband gets home tonight I'm going to show it to him. I think that the response needs to come from him. Which will be very hard for him. He does NOT like confrontation. But I don't think I need to go running to her saying, "My husband thinks I am a great wife!". I am trying not to be hurt, but I am. And I am hurt deeply. I would give anything for my husband. He has had some health issues over the past couple months and I have done everything I know to help him. I have tried to care for, and made sure that he rested. I was his advocate to the doctors, spending hours on the phone with them. I did so much that we fell horribly behind in homeschooling and I am still trying to catch up. He is doing much better now, but he is still not back to his full schedule at work. Her words hurt me; they wound me. And, they downright anger me. She has no idea what goes on in this house. I feel like she thinks I sit here on some throne twiddling my thumbs commanding my poor husband to do as I please. How dare she?! Even if I was a horrible, horrible wife does she really think that facebook is the place to tell me that? Doesn't she think that she should take her concerns to me . . . or maybe even her son?! Ugh. How do I handle this? I want to have a good relationship with her, I do. But I can't have her attacking me.

But wait . . . there's more!!

While I am still reeling from that I get a phone call from the ex. He is LIVID because although his child support to me has decreased by almost $200 a month, he is now having to reimburse for medical insurance. This is not my decision. This is coming from the state. This then leads into an absolute attack on me as a mother. His new wife gets on the phone and is literally yelling at me regarding homeschooling the kids. Basically, my children will grow up to be idiots, too sheltered from the world to function. She even criticized their piano teacher. She doesn't understand why the kids aren't reading music yet. They have only had 2 lessons!!! She also was upset that while my children see my husband's family as "family" they don't see her family as "family". Really? They see her family maybe twice a year! My husband's family are active in their lives and they see them all the time. We actually have MONTHLY get-togethers. I finally gave an excuse to get off the phone and hung up.

All of this happened in a span of two hours. I am horribly discouraged. I feel like I am being attacked on all sides. This is after having to enforce some really tough consequences on the kids this weekend as well. I'm going into today emotionally and physically drained and then this is what I face. I feel like Satan is trying his darndest to bring me down. I am so grateful that I have my Heavenly Father to lean on. I desperately need His support, strength and wisdom. I am still really fighting being completely discouraged. It doesn't help that I'm PMSing too. Ugh. I need an extra amount of strength. Father, hold me up, because I can't stand on my own.

First day of school & scared out of my mind

Today is the day that we start homeschooling. Exciting? Yes. Terrifying? Absolutely! This is too important to mess up. It's not that I think I am an idiot and am not able to teach a first and fifth grader, but I am more concerned that things go smoothly. I want this to strengthen, not weaken my relationship with my children. I want them to excel in all areas, not just academically. My husband's alarm goes off every morning at 3:10am (gotta go milk those cows!), but usually I sleep right through it until my alarm goes off at 4:10am. Not today. Not only did I wake up, but as I lay there trying to get back to sleep, a pit started growing in my stomach. Larger and larger until I thought it might consume me. I got up to see my husband. He was still doing his quiet time so I started putting dishes away. As I stood there in the kitchen, the tears began to roll despite my insistence that they not. Stupid, stubborn tears! I finished my job and wiped my eyes all the while trying to keep my fears from my husband, but also wishing that I could collapse in his arms. He asked me if I was staying up and I simply nodded yes (it's not completely uncommon that I get up that early). He asked me what was wrong and I shook my head and said, "I'm fine". I hugged and kissed and sent him out the door. That pit suddenly seemed to overtake me and I found myself following after him in stocking feet. I met up with him in the driveway and finally confided in him all my fears. He reassured me and tried to encourage me. Then he gave me the greatest gift. While wrapped in his embraced, he prayed for me. Standing there in the driveway, he lifted me up to our Heavenly Father. I finally released him and he went on his way (now running late). I am still so very fearful, but I am also so thankful that I have a husband that will support me. I truly am praying that God direct me and somehow that He make this all work for my children's best and His glory. Never before have I felt more like a simple, humble servant that for some reason God has chosen. I don't know if anyone will read this, but if you do, even a year from now, say a prayer that God continue to direct and lead me as I embark on a journey of greatest importance and hopefully of greatest joy.

August 31, 2011

I don't know what to write. I just know that I need to write. I love my husband. He is an amazing man. He blesses me every day. I love my children. Immensely. However, I am keenly aware that I seem to be failing my most important mission: raising my children according to God's Word. On the outside, I know that people think that I have wonderful children. And they are good kids for the most part. But somewhere along the way they have decided that I am not necessarily their authority. They seem to challenge just about everything. Eating dinner, doing chores, cleaning their rooms, etc. I have grown so very weary in the last couple days. I am reading books, seeking advice and praying. And yet, it seems as though I have accomplished nothing. I am just sad. We are supposed to start homeschool on Tuesday and I am very fearful that not only will we not start on time, but that this whole thing will fail and my relationship with my children will be damaged. If I can't get them to clean their rooms, how on earth can I teach them at home? I went out to the store this afternoon and the thought actually crossed my mind that I didn't want to go back home. I just wanted to take a few hours and decompress. To sleep, rest, pray, think and somehow be refreshed. I pulled in the driveway and turned off the car and just sat there for a moment. I turned and looked at the house and thought, "I just don't want to go in there." Then, I start hearing my children yelling at each other. I just wanted to shut down. I feel as though I am running out of options. Again, I know some people would say that I'm being too hard on myself or that I'm asking too much of my children. But I absolutely do not believe that! I believe that my children should be respectful, obedient, responsible and kind. That is not asking too much! That is precisely what a child of God should be (among many other things). This is why I say that I feel as though I am failing. I just feel so weary.

My son just came down and handed me a card that he made. In it he apologized and told me that he loved me. He said that he would work hard. I told him that I appreciated the card, but at the same time, he is supposed to be cleaning his room. Getting his room done in a proper amount of time and doing it right is what I want. As sweet as the card is, I would much rather know that when I ask him to do something, my request will be met with a "Yes, Ma'am" and a prompt act of obedience. That is what I desire.

I work so hard. I try so hard. We have a daily schedule for the kids that includes their chores and personal Bible study. We eat dinner (and most lunches) together as a family every night without fail. We have family devotions every night before bed and then pray with the kids individually when we tuck them in. I plan out our meals (two weeks at a time) to ensure that we have home-cooked, well-balanced meals every night. I feel like I am doing what I should be to provide an environment that should produce healthy, respectful, obedient, responsible children that love and desire to follow our Lord. What am I doing wrong? Where am I failing? How can the "job" that is of supreme importance be the one that I am doing so miserably?

At Your feet, Father. I lay my children and myself at Your feet. I can do no more.

New country wife with a new country life

Wow. I haven't written in a very, very long time. Update: That date I was so excited about, he is now my husband! :-) I was married 4 weeks ago to a dairy farmer. I don't even know where to begin with him. In a nutshell, he honestly is the kind of man that I didn't believe existed. He is so kind and selfless and funny and loving and generous and considerate. For the first time in my life, I feel as though I finally am realizing what it means to be unconditionally loved by a man. There is no fear, no worry, no doubt. He is amazing and God has been so good to bring him to me. I watched as God directed every step and made it obviously clear that He wanted us together.

So, now that I am married, a lot has changed. I quit my job and now am a stay-at-home mom. I LOVE IT!! This fall I will begin homeschooling my children. I am planning on planting one of two gardens this weekend and my M-I-L (the queen of canning) is going to teach me all sorts of canning things. Although I have joked with my husband that I am not a "homegrown country wife", I am looking forward to learning all that I can.

We live on four and a half acres in an old Greek Revival farmhouse. It is beautiful and has lots of "character", meaning, it's an old farmhouse and I keep finding surprises. The farm is located about a mile down the road (his parents live on the farm itself). My husband does two milkings a day at 3:30am and 3:30pm. He works long hours, but has rearranged his schedule to allow more time with family.

Speaking of family, the reason I am up (and not sleeping a wink for the past couple hours) is that my children are gone. This is the first weekend that my children are with their father all weekend long. He has had them overnight many times before, but never a full weekend. I get them back this afternoon, right before our Memorial Day parade. This has been a horribly difficult weekend. I simply ache for my children. My daughter cried and cried when it was time to leave with her dad. I stood on the porch and watched (and listened) as she cried all the way down the driveway on onto the road. As soon as they were out of sight, I doubled over in agony. It broke my heart. They will miss church this morning. I can't seem to wrap my head around going to church without my children. I have a feeling I will be teary most of the way through Sunday School and Worship. I am so thankful to have my husband by my side to hold my hand through this. We have spent so much time in prayer this weekend for these two little ones. Little ones being 10 and 6, but still very much my babies. My ex-husband is saying that he wants to take them for full weekends on a regular basis now. It really makes me sick. Literally. I keep crying out to God to hold them close when I can't and to protect them from the influences over there. But my mother's heart can't seem to let go, even for an hour. I am counting down the hours until I see them again. I want to grab them and hold them and not let go again. This would be easier if i thought that my ex-husband genuinely loved them, but he seems to view them only as either an inconvenience or a way to manipulate his situation. Right now his marriage is "on the rocks" and he seems to think that he can use the kids as a ploy to try and get his wife to stay (he tried this with me with my step-son when we were married many times). It makes me angry to think that he is using them as pawns. He was shown a picture of my children making silly faces at my wedding and he didn't even recognize them. He claimed that he has just never seen them make faces like that and that was why he didn't know who they were. Really? I don't care what kind of face my children make, I think I would know my own kids!! They were just spitting their tongues out and being goofy. Not smashing their faces beyond recognition!

Wow, I miss them. How soon till this is over?

:-)

Yup, I got a date for next Friday night. Heehee! I'm trying not to revert to being a giggling little high school girl, but it's quite tempting right now! Heehee!!! :-)

Dearest Dan II

Dearest Dan,
There is so much on my heart tonight. I want to sit and talk with you and pour out all that is in me. Since I can't do that, I am left again writing a letter you will never see.
I want so much. I want to, no long to, be loved by you. I simply ache to be a wife again. I also want not only the support of our friends and family, bur for them to be excited for us. I want a clear, perfect peace from our Heavenly Father that He is the One bringing us together and that this was His plan long ago. I want to know all about you; what kind of husband you will be; what kind of father you will be to my children; and simply what kind of man you are when no one is wathcing. I want to know about your quiet time, your prayer life, your personal walk with the Lord. I want to know your strengths and be able to support you in how you use them for the Lord. I want to know your weaknesses and be a true "helpmate" to you and balance you out and encourage you. Above all else, I want to know if this is of God.
I have doubts. I have fears. I cannot trust my own heart. My heart would lead me straight into your arms without even a glance back. I hate that I have to hold myself back. I know I must be cautious and wise, but part of me wants to blissfully trust that somehow you have all the answers and I can simply follow suit.
I hate that my eyes burn from the tears I shed tonight over the pain in my life. I don't want to expose you to that. I hate that part of me feels that I will always be haunted by my past that there will always be someone there to hold up a rearview mirror and force me to relive all of that again. I fear that because of my past sin I, and any man I marry, will never be able to receive a full blessing from the Lord.
I hate that I turned you away tonight when all I wanted to do was sink into your arms. I love that after such a rough day, my brief conversation with you acts a salve to raw emotions. I love the look that I see in your eyes from time to time and I want to know that I can accept all that I see there. I want to love you. I want to follow you. Oh, Dan, if this continues, you will learn how I ache with all that is in me to be led by a godly man. To have a man that I can respect, trust and gratefully submit to. I am so weary of being the leader in my home and I relish the day I can relinquish that role.
Are you that man? Are you the man God has chosen to step into this family and be an example of God the Father inour lives? Do you realize all the pain I bring draggin behind me? Do you recognize the many hurdles we must cross? Are you the man to lead me?
Dearest Dan, I don't know what the future holds. I only pray that our all-knowing and wise God will illuminate each step we take. Before I can take your hand, my Father must give me to you. So I continue to wait. I wait for an unwavering peace and clear direction. I wait for love.

In waiting,

T.R.

Dear Dan

Dearest Dan,

Although I am sure you will probably never see the words I write here, I feel as though I need to express all that is on my heart.

I don't know you. Not well anyway. However, from what I do know of you, my heart is filled with joy. You are a kind, gentle, patient, hard working and godly man. You are highly respected and trusted by our church family.

I have no idea what the future holds for either of us. If our future is together, I feel honoered to have such a man by my side. Honestly, I am honored just that you have begun to express an interest in me. Although this is not necessarily what I have pictured, God seems to be answering my prayers. I am so excited to see where God leads us. If I allow myself to dream, I dream of finally knowing the love of my life. I dream of standing by your side, hand in hand, walking into our future, whatever that may hold. I dream of honoring, respecting, loving supporting, cherishing, submitting to and learning from you. I dream of growing old with you and watching as our family grows and matures. I dream of you and me becoming us.

Dan, I have poured out my heart to our Heavenly Father. The excitement, the joy, the concerns, the fears and the dreams I have have been laid at His feet. I pray daily that God lead and direct me. I now pray also for you. That God illumate your way that you may clearly see each step you need to take. I pray that God uses you to lead me in the direction He would have me to go. I pray that God grant you wisdom as we (hopefully) start down this path together. Above all I pray that God continue to teach you and mold you to be more like Him. And, Dan, as I wait, I pray that my God and King will guard my heart as only He can do. So much of me wants to run ahead and embrace a life with you without being patient and learning what all God has to teach us.

My sweet, dear Dan, whatever the future holds, I look forward in joyful anticipation for the journey God has laid out before us. I pray that above all, God may use me as an instrument in your life to spur you on to be more like Him. I pray that I would never be a hinderance to your spiritual walk and that someday we will look back with joy and amazement at what all God has done. Till that day, I will wait with a gleam in my eye, ready to follow wherever He may lead.

With Joyful Anticipation,

I simply can't believe it!

This might really be it! I have spent so much time in prayer about this and about him and I kept asking God to make it clear to me what direction He wanted this to go. Yesterday, I was again pouring out my heart to Him and I asked Him to please guide me. I asked Him to either slam the door shut, or open it wide open. All day I just kept praying. Then last night we had prayer meeting (he can never come because of work) but right towards the end of church, he was there. I was talking to a friend and asking her for prayer about a personal manner that I needed direction on and he walked past. She looked at me and she said,"It's about him, isn't it?" I looked at her just as stunned as could be and asked her how she could know that. She said that when our eyes met there was just this looked exchanged between us. She could just tell. Later he made a point to come up and talk to me and he knew that I was looking for corn stalks to decorate the porch. He had found some that I could use and offered to cut them from the field for me. I thanked him and asked him when I could get them from him and he said, "No, I'll come drop them off at your house." Heehee! Sooooo . . . now he is coming over this Saturday to drop off these corn stalks. Yeah, I got home from church and I just felt this bubble of joy rising up within me. I really think God is opening that door! I find myself longing to get know him more and honestly, just waiting for the day that he asks me out. I still cannot believe this is happening. I feel like a high school girl all over again. I know that there are still a lot of hurdles that we would have to overcome, but if God is in it, then we can overcome them! I can't wait for Saturday. I'm just so excited to see him, outside of church and such. This has me praying like nothing else. I want God to guard both of our hearts and I certainly need wisdom in all of this. But beyond all else, I am just so excited! I just can't wait to get to know him more. Wow. This is really happening!

Dan

I've decided that I'm just not going to worry about it. I enjoy the friendship I have with him and I'm just not going to assume too much. The person that told me about his "interest" could be mistaken. I just want to focus on getting to know him as a friend. I can always use another godly friend in my life that spurs me on to know Christ more. He is a sweet, sweet man. Kind of a rare man. He is very quiet, enjoys the simple things, is very caring, he works very hard and he loves his family. Basically, he's the kind of friend I would love to have in my life. I will enjoy the friendship and just see where it leads (if any where). Just trusting my Heavenly Father and enjoying a new friend. I do have to say, I get a goofy little grin thinking about him and I do look forward to seeing him. I'm trying not to feel that way though. One day at a time. I certainly don't want to think that there is more there than there is and get sidetracked.

Is he?

I don't know what to think. I have gotten to know this man in my church through some mutual friends and activities. We have talked several times and I truly enjoy our conversations, but didn't think much of it really. I found out today that this man is interested in me, beyond just a friendship. Which, when I think out this guy, he is an amazing man. He is highly respected at church (deacon), very financially wise, kind, generous, loving, hard working, he has a gentle spirit, a pure heart and just a man that is seeking God's own heart. I have heard many stories about him through my "adoptive" dad (he is related to this guy and has know him for many, many years) and he is just an all around amazing man. The problem is he is considerably older than me. Not gold digger old, but definite age gap. I worry about what people would think, and I know I will be told not to worry about what people think, but it's not that easy. Would my family approve, would his family approve, would our church family approve? My "dad" thinks that we would be a great match and he thinks it would be great, except he has concerns about the age gap as well. I don't know what to think. If I didn't consider his age, I would be jumping for joy right now. And I know that age is just a number, but really it is more than that. I don't know how to handle this information. I love talking to this guy and don't want to lose that, but I certainly don't want to lead him on. I feel like now that I've been told about this, I have to make a decision now about if I want to pursue this. Part of me wishes that the person that told me this had just kept their mouth shut. I could just go on being this guy's friend until God led it into something more. I just don't know what do. I respect this guy so much, but I don't know if this is God's will yet. Ugh. I'm all stressed out about this, and the guy hasn't even asked me out. Part of me gets so excited, part me gets worried about perceptions.

changing . . . again

Wow, it's been a while. I've left my "country" job that I love to take a full time position with my other workplace. The transition is going pretty well. I think my co-worker is a little resentful of my promotion. She is very passive agressive always making little remarks hidden as teasing or a light hearted comment. Oh well. The rest of the team has been very supportive.

On a separate note, we are moving again. And again we don't know where yet. I was really hoping to have this settled before school started, but we are running out of time. I am trusting that God has the perfect place for us. It is so encouraging how so many people from church are actively looking for a place for us. I get calls, texts and little messages at church about this place or that place that may be a possibility.

I am ridiculously tired. I am rather weary from all the changes that have been going on lately. Still loving my life and trusting my Lord and Abba.

I haven't written in quite awhile. There is so much going on. First, we moved. Ugh, what a process. But, what an amazing blessing. We are now living in a huge old farm house and I am in love. It is only for the summer, but still, it's pretty amazing. I found out that the place we were going to move into at the end of summer is definitely not going to happen. :-( I'm sure God has it all worked out where we will end up, so I am simply patiently waiting on Him. After all, He certainly out did Himself on our summer house. A big white house, huge porch, gorgeous mature trees, farmland all around and our closest neighbor is almost 3/4 mile down the road. Four bedrooms, formal dining room, living room, sitting room, library (yea, seriously) and it just goes on and on. Yup, it's pretty much amazing.

Beyond the whole housing thing, I got a new job and am back to work one day at week at the job I love. The new job is okay, but it's just beginning so hopefully it will get better. Nothing will ever compare to my "country" job that I love. This job has been like one of those legendary boyfriends, that every man you meet after will be compared to. Nothing will ever compare to this job. Things are getting a little busier, so I'm still holding out hope that eventually I will be able to go back full-time. It is kind of odd to go from three months of pretty much not working, to working 5 days a week again. And of course, just as summer vacation is starting so I will be missing out on another summer with my children. Not that I am not grateful at all. I don't want to come across that way. God has been truly amazing the way He has opened doors for me and provided for me, but in my heart, any job I have, will always be just something that takes my time away from my children. It's harder in the summer when they don't have to be at school, yet I'm not available to do the fun things with them. So working 5 days a week is a huge blessing, with a little bit of a downer too.

Oh, I have so much more I could write about what all God is teaching me and everything going on in my life right now, but I have oodles to do! I will have to try to write more later. Chao!

Here goes nothin'!

I've been thinking about doing something for a while, but I've decided to actually do it. Tomorrow will begin this journey. I'm not exactly sure what to expect, so, here goes nothing!

Melting

So I was told over the weekend that fathers need to hug their daughters at least once a day. That there is this natural need in girls and women to have the embrace from a man. If daughters do not get this at home, they will seek it elsewhere. And that literally brought tears to my eyes. First, because my daughter sure doesn't get that. Thankfully a male friend of my has kind of adopted my children and has made a real effort to reach out to them. That includes taking my son to the "men's activities" at church and hugging and loving on my little girl. I am so thankful for him and I don't know that we will ever know what good he is doing for my precious little ones.

That being said, I felt the tears more so for myself. It seriously sucks not having that touch from a man. I am a physical person, a touchy feely person so to speak. When I am with friends, I will touch their backs or arms or wrap my arms around their waists. That's just the way I am. With my children, I am always snuggling them. Even in church, I have noticed that almost always I am touching one or both of my children throughout the service. It is going on 5 years since my husband left. It has been over 3 since I was in a relationship. I feel it. There are times when all I want is a hug from a man. Just to be wrapped in his arms. To be embraced fully and lay my head even briefly on his chest. I'm afraid I would just melt. I feel like such a little kid. I don't know why I am writing all of this. I have to get used to this. I'm not going to remarry so I will never know the privilege of being held by a man on a regular basis again. Yup. That pretty much sucks. Ehhh . . . I just chalk it up to yet another consequence of the choices I have made.

Open arms?

I wish I could go back in time. I wish that I would have said something. I don't know that it would have done any good, but still, I hate that I kept silent. I feel almost like by my silence I'm saying that it was okay. That it wasn't really wrong. Stupid I know, but that's what is going through my mind. I do feel like I'm past the rage that I had felt. I just feel an overwhelming loss. Like I should be in mourning. Hmmm . . . . I still think about the carefree girl I once was. There was a marked change in me after that. It was like in one night I came face to face with evil and ever since then, I see evil around every corner. I am suspicious of everyone. I don't let it control my life, but I am very aware of my fears. My mind is always thinking of the worst possible things. Most people would never suspect that. I am the girl with a smile always on my face pointing out the "silver lining" to all those around. And that's not a lie, I do look for the silver lining. But at the same time, when it comes to this kind of thing, I trust no one completely. I do let some people in, but I am keenly aware that even the people that I trust, I only trust so much. I wouldn't put anything past them. I don't know that I will ever be able to trust anyone 100% again. Especially men. After trusting and caring for such a great friend and then for him to turn on me like that, I just don't know how you get over that. Oh, well. Not much I can do about it now. Sucks to be me. Or, actually, sucks to be a man in my life. You will never be welcomed with fully open arms.

Now what did he go and do that for? Ugh. Temptation is a bitch.

Pathetic

So I usually do fine with this whole thing, but every once in a while I feel it. I feel the loneliness. Not the I wish my kids had a father, or I would love to have the support a partner brings, but the actual I just wish someone was there to go home to. A person that loved me. A person that I loved and cherished. A man that I could just melt in his arms with no fear. Someone to love. Tonight I felt it. It filled my heart. Looking at a beautiful sunset, I just longed to be able to share it with someone. It doesn't help that I took the kids and met my sister and her kids at a park that was in his neighborhood. It just made me miss him again. This would have been a perfect night to go on a motorcycle ride up to the beach and watch the sunset. I just all around miss him from time to time. I miss seeing his smile and hearing his laugh. I miss the way he would touch me and love me. I miss the way he would look at me and I could see the love just bubbling up from his heart. I miss the way his eyes would light up around my kids and the way he would hold them and play with them. Heck, I miss the way he smells. I was invited to go out tomorrow night to go square dancing (I know, I know) but I couldn't really go because I didn't have a partner to go with. Who would I dance with? It's something that he would enjoy trying out and I would love being with him. I don't know. I'm just lonely tonight. I am almost tempted to start praying again for a husband. I'm just so afraid to do that. I don't want to get sidetracked from what is important in my life right now. I don't know if I can handle praying for that without it becoming a focus in my life. And, honestly, what if I start praying and God says no? It's one thing for me to plan to live my life believing that I will never remarry, it's another thing to know for sure that that door is closed. I don't know what the future holds, and I try not to think about it too much. But tonight I do know that I am just plain lonely. That sounds so pathetic, but it's true. I will probably stay up way too late tonight filling my time with useless things until I'm too exhausted to stay awake another moment. Then I will crawl into bed, try to sleep and get up the next morning and prepare for my ex to come take my kids for the day. Ugh. Dare I dream of a someday?

Anxiety turns to joy

God is so very good. I know I say that a lot, but He continuously proves Himself faithful over and over again. I felt strongly like I needed to take some time away today, so after getting the kids off to school and a brief meeting this morning, I took off to my favorite (local) get away spot. The lake. I love the lake at any time of year, but right about this time, the lake begins to melt in places pushing up blocks of ice on top of the otherwise frozen lake. It is simply beautiful. The perfectly white ice against a clear blue sky and the absolute silence that encompasses the entire area. I just love it! Soon the chunks of ice will be pushed up onto the sand and these ice mountains will form before everything is melted away. I love His beautiful creation!

Anyway, I had decided to take time to do some prayer and fasting today. As I sat by the lake enjoying the silence and just pouring out my heart before God, He overwhelmed me with peace and joy. I still don't have any answers about a job or where we are going to live, but I know, beyond all doubt, that He is in control. The place that we are living now was an absolute God send and no one even knew this place existed until we were living in a friend's basement. A friend that was trying to sell her house. We were desperate. Desperate for His hand to move. And He did just that. I know that wherever He leads us, it will be what is best for me and my two little ones. My mind cannot comprehend all He has in store for us. I am so grateful that I can depend on Him. As far as the job, it was the same thing. I had been unemployed for two months and then got a temp job. That temp job ended with no prospects in sight. Then out of the blue, this job came along. It has by far, been the best job I could ever want. God has blessed me so tremendously through this job and He has grown me and taught me like I could have never imagined. I know that we are secure in His hands. I am turning from anxiousness to pure excitement to see what all He has in store.

On top of all of this, He has laid on my heart a new ministry possibility that I am growing increasingly excited about. I have no idea how it would all work out, but I am thrilled to be going along for the ride.

Now, I have to say, that when you spend time alone with God like this, He can do amazing things for your heart. He comforted me and filled me with contentment. He seemed to hold me safe in His arms. But that was after He had to deal with some darkness in my heart. I had to face where I was screwing up and make that right, before He could pour out these blessings today. So I am excited and renewed and convicted and determined to not settle for second best in my spiritual walk. I want God to take me, shape me and use me. I want my life to glorify His name every day, every moment. I want my face and my heart to be a reflection of Him.

HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!

"Do you trust me?"

"Do you trust me?" That's what I hear Him asking me. My head says, "Of course I trust You. You have proven Yourself faithful time and time again." My heart, my gut, just wants to scream out, "What are You doing?! Why give me such a great blessing, only to rip it away? I would have rather of never known this blessing, than to receive it just to lose it again."

My heart aches and my stomach turns. My world has been flipped upside down. I have lost my job and the place that we were going to be moving to. That is hard enough to wrap my mind around, but in losing all this, I have lost a great friend. The one person that I could go to about anything, talk to about anything, the person that provided tremendous wisdom and encouragement. He's gone too. I just feel sick. I feel so very small. I feel as though I've been knocked on my back and I'm staring up at the sky still trying to catch my breath. And all I hear is "Do you trust me?" I want to say yes, but I am full of fear. I don't even know what to write. I don't know what to pray. I just want to lay in His arms.

sigh

It's been a good day. But a rather long day. And I just instinctively pull his old sweatshirt from the drawer and slip it on. There is something comforting about putting it on. It's like there is a part of him there that is wrapping his arms around me. And . . . . . . . . sigh . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Giddy!

Yup, I'm slightly giddy. And I'm not even sure it's going to ever happen, but I'm giddy at the thought of it. All I will say is that a couple years ago there was a ministry that changed me. It opened my eyes to some things and I absolutely loved it and needed it. Because of tough times, this ministry went under, but now I feel like God is calling me to possibly bring a similar ministry to my church. I see the need for it there, but it takes some hard work and money. I'm going to continue praying about all of this and I think that I will contact the couple that headed up this ministry before. I would love it, love it, love it to have this ministry rejuvenated!

It only take one moment

It only takes one moment to realize how incapable I am as a parent. Some days I feel so incredibly overwhelmed. I long to have a partner in raising these kids. I am forever second guessing myself. My son's teacher called today from school. She has "concerns". My son's behavior has changed the past two weeks and he has been acting out in ways that are uncharacteristic of him. Part of me is angry that he would do such things, part of me is exceptionally concerned. I don't know how to handle this. He needs to be punished for his behavior, but something is definitely bothering him. How do I balance showing compassion and getting him to open up to me, and still sending the firm message that this type of behavior will never be tolerated? I feel like someone knocked my legs out from underneath me and I am looking up trying to figure out what just happened. Wow, do I ever need prayer and wisdom from above.

11 hours

Had a great day today. Eleven hours learning and feeling like a woman. Eleven hours being with two Godly men. Makes me wish that I had a Godly man in my life. Good day.

Discretion or mistrust

I can't shake him from my mind. I don't want him to be there. He shouldn't be there. I don't think that there is any one else out there that I am able to be so open with. I can talk to him about anything. I respect him. I honor him. I feel so comfortable with him, for the most part. The only time I don't feel comfortable is when my mind starts to work over time. I wonder, is it okay that we are so open with each other? There are subjects that we don't discuss in detail, but for the most part, we have, at the minimum touched, on every subject. I have so much respect for him and I know he thinks highly of me. He tells me what "a fine woman" I am. He genuinely cares. He helped me put his coat on today (I was freezing), and all I could think was that I just wanted to sink into his arms. That frustrates me so. I just want a hug, but I fear that that little act could be bad. I just adore his friendship. I don't want to screw that up. So why did that thought pop in my head and why can't I shake it? I know that there is this part of me that is very vulnerable. I have been single now for four and a half years, and I do miss have a man in my life. Part of what I love about this friendship is just that. I have a man that I can talk to and be open with on a regular basis. I feel so blessed to have this special man in my life. He has encouraged me, challenged me, cared for me, protected me, guided me, taught me and has made me laugh like no other. I wish I could just sit and talk with him for hours on end. I would learn so much and I so enjoy my time with him. So why do I fear this relationship? Why am I bothered from time to time? Why are there red flags that briefly pop into my head? Okay, I started this blog so that I could be completely open and honest. I know why there are red flags. He's a married man. I know his wife and adore her, and I honestly don't think that we have by any means crossed any lines, but where is that line? He talks to his wife about our conversations from time to time, but should a married man and I be so open with each other? He is the kind of man that speaks what is on his mind and he can be honest when most people would at best shy away. That is just his personality. His friendship has been such a blessing, but I wonder how it would look to some people. It doesn't seem to bother his wife at all, so should I not be concerned about it? If she is okay with this, then why should I be bothered? The only other man that I have ever had this close of a relationship with (besides those I was in a romantic relationship with), ended up being the man that assaulted me. Does that somehow play into my fears? Do I fear that unless the relationship is romantic, I can't have such a great friendship? Or is it wisdom that is warning me that this could lead somewhere that it shouldn't? There are a few people, besides his wife, that have an understanding about the openness we share in our friendship and none of them have even once expressed any concern. So what am I to think? Wisdom and discretion stepping in to warn me? Or my same old mistrust of men issues? How is a girl to know? All I know is that our conversation today was interrupted, and I am really looking forward to finishing it.

i wish i could tell him. just lay it all on the line. let him see every little flaw. be open with every thought, fear, emotion, hope, desire, temptation, all of it. i can't do it. not with him or anyone for that matter. you are that open with your spouse, not friends. i wish i had that person. he is the closest thing i have to that openness. yet, i can't confide all of that in him. it makes me miss my Ben. i've missed him a lot lately. i loved that man with all that was within me. and oh, how he loved me. my daughter told me recently that she wanted me to get married (that's nothing new, she is always saying that). but this time, she told me that she wanted me to marry Ben. it has been about 2 years since his name has even been mentioned in our home, yet, she still remembers him and adores him. part of me still adores him. it would never work if we got back together. at least i don't think it would. but, wow, i miss him at times. he is a good, good man. i wish that we could have been friends and that we could just hang out together. i miss his company. since i don't have him, i settle for this other friend that i will always have to keep at arm's length. such is my life.