Dearest Dan II

Dearest Dan,
There is so much on my heart tonight. I want to sit and talk with you and pour out all that is in me. Since I can't do that, I am left again writing a letter you will never see.
I want so much. I want to, no long to, be loved by you. I simply ache to be a wife again. I also want not only the support of our friends and family, bur for them to be excited for us. I want a clear, perfect peace from our Heavenly Father that He is the One bringing us together and that this was His plan long ago. I want to know all about you; what kind of husband you will be; what kind of father you will be to my children; and simply what kind of man you are when no one is wathcing. I want to know about your quiet time, your prayer life, your personal walk with the Lord. I want to know your strengths and be able to support you in how you use them for the Lord. I want to know your weaknesses and be a true "helpmate" to you and balance you out and encourage you. Above all else, I want to know if this is of God.
I have doubts. I have fears. I cannot trust my own heart. My heart would lead me straight into your arms without even a glance back. I hate that I have to hold myself back. I know I must be cautious and wise, but part of me wants to blissfully trust that somehow you have all the answers and I can simply follow suit.
I hate that my eyes burn from the tears I shed tonight over the pain in my life. I don't want to expose you to that. I hate that part of me feels that I will always be haunted by my past that there will always be someone there to hold up a rearview mirror and force me to relive all of that again. I fear that because of my past sin I, and any man I marry, will never be able to receive a full blessing from the Lord.
I hate that I turned you away tonight when all I wanted to do was sink into your arms. I love that after such a rough day, my brief conversation with you acts a salve to raw emotions. I love the look that I see in your eyes from time to time and I want to know that I can accept all that I see there. I want to love you. I want to follow you. Oh, Dan, if this continues, you will learn how I ache with all that is in me to be led by a godly man. To have a man that I can respect, trust and gratefully submit to. I am so weary of being the leader in my home and I relish the day I can relinquish that role.
Are you that man? Are you the man God has chosen to step into this family and be an example of God the Father inour lives? Do you realize all the pain I bring draggin behind me? Do you recognize the many hurdles we must cross? Are you the man to lead me?
Dearest Dan, I don't know what the future holds. I only pray that our all-knowing and wise God will illuminate each step we take. Before I can take your hand, my Father must give me to you. So I continue to wait. I wait for an unwavering peace and clear direction. I wait for love.

In waiting,

T.R.

Dear Dan

Dearest Dan,

Although I am sure you will probably never see the words I write here, I feel as though I need to express all that is on my heart.

I don't know you. Not well anyway. However, from what I do know of you, my heart is filled with joy. You are a kind, gentle, patient, hard working and godly man. You are highly respected and trusted by our church family.

I have no idea what the future holds for either of us. If our future is together, I feel honoered to have such a man by my side. Honestly, I am honored just that you have begun to express an interest in me. Although this is not necessarily what I have pictured, God seems to be answering my prayers. I am so excited to see where God leads us. If I allow myself to dream, I dream of finally knowing the love of my life. I dream of standing by your side, hand in hand, walking into our future, whatever that may hold. I dream of honoring, respecting, loving supporting, cherishing, submitting to and learning from you. I dream of growing old with you and watching as our family grows and matures. I dream of you and me becoming us.

Dan, I have poured out my heart to our Heavenly Father. The excitement, the joy, the concerns, the fears and the dreams I have have been laid at His feet. I pray daily that God lead and direct me. I now pray also for you. That God illumate your way that you may clearly see each step you need to take. I pray that God uses you to lead me in the direction He would have me to go. I pray that God grant you wisdom as we (hopefully) start down this path together. Above all I pray that God continue to teach you and mold you to be more like Him. And, Dan, as I wait, I pray that my God and King will guard my heart as only He can do. So much of me wants to run ahead and embrace a life with you without being patient and learning what all God has to teach us.

My sweet, dear Dan, whatever the future holds, I look forward in joyful anticipation for the journey God has laid out before us. I pray that above all, God may use me as an instrument in your life to spur you on to be more like Him. I pray that I would never be a hinderance to your spiritual walk and that someday we will look back with joy and amazement at what all God has done. Till that day, I will wait with a gleam in my eye, ready to follow wherever He may lead.

With Joyful Anticipation,

I simply can't believe it!

This might really be it! I have spent so much time in prayer about this and about him and I kept asking God to make it clear to me what direction He wanted this to go. Yesterday, I was again pouring out my heart to Him and I asked Him to please guide me. I asked Him to either slam the door shut, or open it wide open. All day I just kept praying. Then last night we had prayer meeting (he can never come because of work) but right towards the end of church, he was there. I was talking to a friend and asking her for prayer about a personal manner that I needed direction on and he walked past. She looked at me and she said,"It's about him, isn't it?" I looked at her just as stunned as could be and asked her how she could know that. She said that when our eyes met there was just this looked exchanged between us. She could just tell. Later he made a point to come up and talk to me and he knew that I was looking for corn stalks to decorate the porch. He had found some that I could use and offered to cut them from the field for me. I thanked him and asked him when I could get them from him and he said, "No, I'll come drop them off at your house." Heehee! Sooooo . . . now he is coming over this Saturday to drop off these corn stalks. Yeah, I got home from church and I just felt this bubble of joy rising up within me. I really think God is opening that door! I find myself longing to get know him more and honestly, just waiting for the day that he asks me out. I still cannot believe this is happening. I feel like a high school girl all over again. I know that there are still a lot of hurdles that we would have to overcome, but if God is in it, then we can overcome them! I can't wait for Saturday. I'm just so excited to see him, outside of church and such. This has me praying like nothing else. I want God to guard both of our hearts and I certainly need wisdom in all of this. But beyond all else, I am just so excited! I just can't wait to get to know him more. Wow. This is really happening!

Dan

I've decided that I'm just not going to worry about it. I enjoy the friendship I have with him and I'm just not going to assume too much. The person that told me about his "interest" could be mistaken. I just want to focus on getting to know him as a friend. I can always use another godly friend in my life that spurs me on to know Christ more. He is a sweet, sweet man. Kind of a rare man. He is very quiet, enjoys the simple things, is very caring, he works very hard and he loves his family. Basically, he's the kind of friend I would love to have in my life. I will enjoy the friendship and just see where it leads (if any where). Just trusting my Heavenly Father and enjoying a new friend. I do have to say, I get a goofy little grin thinking about him and I do look forward to seeing him. I'm trying not to feel that way though. One day at a time. I certainly don't want to think that there is more there than there is and get sidetracked.

Is he?

I don't know what to think. I have gotten to know this man in my church through some mutual friends and activities. We have talked several times and I truly enjoy our conversations, but didn't think much of it really. I found out today that this man is interested in me, beyond just a friendship. Which, when I think out this guy, he is an amazing man. He is highly respected at church (deacon), very financially wise, kind, generous, loving, hard working, he has a gentle spirit, a pure heart and just a man that is seeking God's own heart. I have heard many stories about him through my "adoptive" dad (he is related to this guy and has know him for many, many years) and he is just an all around amazing man. The problem is he is considerably older than me. Not gold digger old, but definite age gap. I worry about what people would think, and I know I will be told not to worry about what people think, but it's not that easy. Would my family approve, would his family approve, would our church family approve? My "dad" thinks that we would be a great match and he thinks it would be great, except he has concerns about the age gap as well. I don't know what to think. If I didn't consider his age, I would be jumping for joy right now. And I know that age is just a number, but really it is more than that. I don't know how to handle this information. I love talking to this guy and don't want to lose that, but I certainly don't want to lead him on. I feel like now that I've been told about this, I have to make a decision now about if I want to pursue this. Part of me wishes that the person that told me this had just kept their mouth shut. I could just go on being this guy's friend until God led it into something more. I just don't know what do. I respect this guy so much, but I don't know if this is God's will yet. Ugh. I'm all stressed out about this, and the guy hasn't even asked me out. Part of me gets so excited, part me gets worried about perceptions.

Melting

So I was told over the weekend that fathers need to hug their daughters at least once a day. That there is this natural need in girls and women to have the embrace from a man. If daughters do not get this at home, they will seek it elsewhere. And that literally brought tears to my eyes. First, because my daughter sure doesn't get that. Thankfully a male friend of my has kind of adopted my children and has made a real effort to reach out to them. That includes taking my son to the "men's activities" at church and hugging and loving on my little girl. I am so thankful for him and I don't know that we will ever know what good he is doing for my precious little ones.

That being said, I felt the tears more so for myself. It seriously sucks not having that touch from a man. I am a physical person, a touchy feely person so to speak. When I am with friends, I will touch their backs or arms or wrap my arms around their waists. That's just the way I am. With my children, I am always snuggling them. Even in church, I have noticed that almost always I am touching one or both of my children throughout the service. It is going on 5 years since my husband left. It has been over 3 since I was in a relationship. I feel it. There are times when all I want is a hug from a man. Just to be wrapped in his arms. To be embraced fully and lay my head even briefly on his chest. I'm afraid I would just melt. I feel like such a little kid. I don't know why I am writing all of this. I have to get used to this. I'm not going to remarry so I will never know the privilege of being held by a man on a regular basis again. Yup. That pretty much sucks. Ehhh . . . I just chalk it up to yet another consequence of the choices I have made.

Pathetic

So I usually do fine with this whole thing, but every once in a while I feel it. I feel the loneliness. Not the I wish my kids had a father, or I would love to have the support a partner brings, but the actual I just wish someone was there to go home to. A person that loved me. A person that I loved and cherished. A man that I could just melt in his arms with no fear. Someone to love. Tonight I felt it. It filled my heart. Looking at a beautiful sunset, I just longed to be able to share it with someone. It doesn't help that I took the kids and met my sister and her kids at a park that was in his neighborhood. It just made me miss him again. This would have been a perfect night to go on a motorcycle ride up to the beach and watch the sunset. I just all around miss him from time to time. I miss seeing his smile and hearing his laugh. I miss the way he would touch me and love me. I miss the way he would look at me and I could see the love just bubbling up from his heart. I miss the way his eyes would light up around my kids and the way he would hold them and play with them. Heck, I miss the way he smells. I was invited to go out tomorrow night to go square dancing (I know, I know) but I couldn't really go because I didn't have a partner to go with. Who would I dance with? It's something that he would enjoy trying out and I would love being with him. I don't know. I'm just lonely tonight. I am almost tempted to start praying again for a husband. I'm just so afraid to do that. I don't want to get sidetracked from what is important in my life right now. I don't know if I can handle praying for that without it becoming a focus in my life. And, honestly, what if I start praying and God says no? It's one thing for me to plan to live my life believing that I will never remarry, it's another thing to know for sure that that door is closed. I don't know what the future holds, and I try not to think about it too much. But tonight I do know that I am just plain lonely. That sounds so pathetic, but it's true. I will probably stay up way too late tonight filling my time with useless things until I'm too exhausted to stay awake another moment. Then I will crawl into bed, try to sleep and get up the next morning and prepare for my ex to come take my kids for the day. Ugh. Dare I dream of a someday?

sigh

It's been a good day. But a rather long day. And I just instinctively pull his old sweatshirt from the drawer and slip it on. There is something comforting about putting it on. It's like there is a part of him there that is wrapping his arms around me. And . . . . . . . . sigh . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

heart and soul

I was created to be a wife. I just feel it. I long for a husband. I long for strong, spiritual leadership. I long to be able to just be a woman. To not be forced to work in a man's world. To not have to be the strong one all the time. To be able to look to someone else for help with direction and decisions. To have someone to lean on. I take joy in such little things that most would not notice. Having a man pray for our lunch. A man that confronted me about something he saw in my life that I was oblivious to. Just having a man to talk to and listen to and learn from. To have a man in my life that, despite his imperfections, I can respect him and value his opinions. I just want a husband. Sorry, but it's true. Actually, no I'm not sorry. It is in my heart and soul to be a wife.

Days like this

I am definitely having one of those days. One of those days that I would love to have a husband. A man to support me, encourage me, love me and provide me with added strength. A man to bring joy into my life. A man to be a shield of protection for me and for my children. It's just one of those days. I understand that God is the husband to the husbandless and father to the fatherless, and He has proven Himself to be just that time and time again. But on days like today, I feel the need for a man of flesh, bone and muscle to be here. To feel his arms around me and to know that no matter what, we are in this together. I hate days like this. I hate feeling so weak and powerless. I hate longing for something that I don't have and very well may never have. "I need you Jesus, to come to my rescue. Where else can I go?" How do I get through days like this?

Dreams & hope

Some days it is very easy to dream. What if God brought an amazing man into my life? What if I actually did remarry? What if I could stay home and homeschool my kids. What if I had that man, confidant, friend, lover, leader and supporter? How different my life would be. I have finished a study that I was doing with my aunt on divorce and I have ended up coming to a similar position that I held before, which surprised me. I do believe that Biblically, I am free to remarry. Over the past several months, I had pretty much determined that I would never remarry. I came to terms with that and have lived my life as such. Recently however, I am beginning to wonder again. There is not one man around that I think would qualify, but I just wonder if God will still someday bring him into my life. The little bit I have thought about this scares me a little. All of those same heart desires come rushing back. Those things that I long for deep inside my soul. I almost want to start praying again for God to bring me a husband, but I am too fearful to do that. I am fearful for two reasons. One, I don't want to be always thinking about this and to slip back into a mindset that my "single situation" is temporary. And two, I'm scared to pray and allow myself to express these desires to God and then have Him tell me no again. I have done a pretty good job at closing off my heart to the possibility. Dare I open it again? How do I know what God's will is here? I know that if He happens to bring that specific man into my life, then it is pretty obvious, but what do I do until, or if, that day ever comes? Do I allow myself to be open to this again, or do I keep my heart shut down? I could sure go for a Heavenly crystal ball right about now. I love my life. Even the trials. They are changing and molding me day by day. But what if there is more? I just want to know if it is okay to hope again.

Bittersweet

Bittersweet. That's the word I will use. I love going to work each day. I cannot stress that enough. I honestly enjoy working with my boss and for the most part enjoy the work that I do. I work in an ideal location where I look out over a pond and in the back there are soybean fields (soon to be wheat fields which I love!). This job has been like a great boyfriend: any job after this will always be compared to it and will never live up to it. However, once in a while there is another side to this perfection that gets to me. The wife. I think the world of my boss' wife and we interact very well together. The problem is not her, it's what she represents. I will walk into the house for something and she will be baking something or being reading to the kids or homeschooling her children. She will walk outside and go hang up laundry on the clothes line. She will stop in the office to tell my boss something about the family or that she's headed out to the store. Then there the times when my boss will run into the house to talk to her or go outside to say something to her before she leaves. She's a wonderful woman, and I envy her through and through. Most days it's no big deal. Such is life. But then there are days (such as today) that for some reason every little thing is like a dagger to my heart. I long to be able to be home with my children. To homeschool them and sit with them and talk with them throughout the day. To do stupid little things like hang up the laundry on the line on days besides Saturday. I crave my children. I miss them throughout the day and I absolutely ache to give them a better life. But with my boss' wife, it even goes beyond that. She makes me miss being a wife. I by no means miss the marriage, but I miss being someone's wife. The kids could care less if we have mac and cheese for dinner or if we have a roast and salad and fresh baked bread. I used to love planning out meals around my husband's taste. I used to try to plan that when he walked in the door I would be taking fresh bread or his favorite pie out of the oven so that those smells would great him at the door. I used to enjoy picking up the house right before he came home and making sure that even if I wasn't wearing make up I was presentable to him. Such stupid little things I know, but I miss that. Not that he ever noticed or even seemed to care, but I always wanted my home to be a sanctuary for him. A place that he could come home and feel safe, relaxed and at ease. I don't know. Maybe I tried so hard because he if he did come home he didn't stay long. When my son was still a baby I would meet my husband at the door in some sexy little thing. Well, I did that until one night he came home after I had spent all this time devising a little fantasy thing for us and when I greeted him at the door all dressed up he literally pushed past me and went and sat down in the living room and turned the TV on. He didn't even acknowledge me. That was the end of that. Ugh. I have made so many stupid mistakes in my life. I wish that I would have just followed God faithfully. I would have never married that man. My life would be so very different right now had I trusted His direction. So seeing my boss' wife being able to be this wonderful mother and Christian wife is just a reminder of all that I sacrificed and what I will never have. I hate that I will never remarry and have that chance again to love a man and make a home for my family. Sorry for the pity party. Just feeling a bit bittersweet.

Simplicity

Today was a good day. I made over 300 buckeyes for a wedding and still managed to do the housework and spend time with the kids. My highlight of the day had to be when I went out to hang linens on the line, which I love to do anyway, but I still had my apron on from doing the buckeyes. (I love this apron because I bought it in Amish country and it is simply beautiful.) I overheard my son say to our landlord, "Those are my mom's cooking clothes. She's making hundreds of buckeyes so she has to wear her cooking clothes. I love my mommy's buckeyes." A smile formed on my lips and traveled all the way to my heart. That moment exemplified all that I want to capture. I do long for that simplified life of doing housework, loving my kids and baking to my heart's content. While I was out running errands today, we saw a road side stand where an Amish family was selling baskets. There was a hint of envy that ran through me. I know I am idealizing the life of the Amish, but, I long for my life to be one of simplicity. My favorite place to go is a little bed and breakfast in Amish country run by a Minnonite couple where there is nothing but beauty and quiet. No TVs, no phones, no wireless internet in every room. I long to go back. I usually go in the fall (my fav season) but last year because of finances, I could not go. I honestly missed it. That weekend away seems to recharge me for the year. I love sleeping deeply and waking early. Walking the grounds and watching the sun rise over the hills. Sitting on a swing and hearing nothing but the clip clop of a horse and buggy going down the remote road. I love living where I do right now, but when I move, I long to move even farther out. I don't want to be able to hear my neighbors at all. I don't want to hear any traffic. I long to listen to the crickets in the evening and the birds in the morning. I long to stay home with my children. That is one I never see happening. The choices I have made in the past have led to consequences which will prevent that from ever happening. All I ever wanted was to be a wife and mother. I wanted to raise my children and be there to greet them each day after school (if they went to school and I didn't homeschool them, which given the chance, I do believe I would homeschool). I am richly blessed. God has done miraculous things in my heart this past year. I feel as though this is just the beginning. I feel as though I am getting a glimpse of the woman God may want me to be. There is still so much clutter that I need to cut out of my life and out of my heart. Father, continue to strip away all that is unnecessary and guide my eyes and heart to You and Your will alone.

3 words & a baby

Another thing I realized I'm losing by staying single. I will never hear the words "I love you" from a man again. My kids tell me they love me and so does my family from time to time, but I will never have a man say those words to me again. I will never have a man love me like that again. It is such a great feeling to be loved in that unique, precious way. I will miss that greatly.
The other thing comes as a bit of a surprise to me. I was at church Sunday and there was a mom with a young baby. As I watched her with that baby, that motherly love comes flooding over me and I have that craving for a child in my arms. So many people have told me that they had always pictured me with several children. I am so grateful for my two kids, but I would have loved to have more. Even by adoption. But that is another thing I will never know again. Watching that mother and baby, tears started to well up in my eyes and soon they spilled down my cheeks. I quickly tried to regain my composure, but a feeling of great loss overwhelmed my heart.
I know that I am following God in this, and He will bless me for it. He will sustain me. He will hold my heart.

Erotic

Something else that I will miss by never remarrying is being able to be erotic. Not just sex, although that has been and will continue to be difficult, but the day to day sexiness. Every girl has those things that she only wears at home. The little track shorts that are way too short to wear out, or the cute little top that is way too revealing. That's stuff that just stays in the house, which is fine, but part of the fun of wearing things like that at home it to turn your husband on. Without a husband I don't get that privilege. This may sound so stupid to some people, but just realize that for me to be a good woman, I need to dress in a modest, somewhat conservative manner. I have to dress so as to not turn a man on. I don't get the chance to be erotic and to be the object of desire for a man. Part of the issue is that I honestly love sex. I enjoy it. I love being that close with a man, feeling that connection, feeling beautiful, feeling free. Sex is great. It is fun and can be mind-blowing. Part of the fun of sex is what leads up to it. I love the fun of turning a man on. Of kissing him suggestively when he's not expecting it, of dressing in a way that even if I'm just washing dishes all he can think of is how soon he can get at me, of walking past him and slapping his ass, of fulfilling his secret fantasies, of trying something new, of dressing up in some costume, oh and the best, buying new lingerie that I know he will love. I loved doing that kind of stuff when I was married (and with that one boyfriend). I feel like I have lost something intrinsically feminine by losing the chance to be sexy. To be a godly woman I must never strive to arouse a man again. How sad is that? It's something so simple that I think most women take for granted, but I feel like with this realization I have lost part of what makes me a woman. To always have to be dressed perfectly and to always be cautious of my actions and how they may be perceived by a man. I just miss it and will continue to miss it. It's not just giving up sex, it's giving up all forms of eroticism, of being flirtatious, of being desired. I will never know that look from a man again. That look that is filled with desire and overcome by love. I'm sorry, but that is a loss. It would be so much easier to stay single had I never experienced any of this in the past. Just another way that God's way is best.

I miss seeing that look in a man's eyes. A look I will never know again.

one more gone

So I realized something else last night. One more little thing that I am giving up by staying single, is the joy of cooking for someone. I love to plan out meals and to work to provide a great dinner for a man. When I was married, I used to love making a pie or baking bread just before my husband would get home so that he would walk into a house that smells wonderful. Not that he would even notice. I still loved filling my home with sweet scents of apple pie and italian bread. It may sound silly, but trust me, I want to work to make something that someone truly enjoys. My kids enjoy speghetti and mac and cheese. I want to know what my husband's favorites foods are and come up with creative recipes that he would love. I want to create a home that when he walks in the door, it is a sanctuary for him. The sights, the sounds, the smells, everything.

Day by day

So I am quickly realizing that this is going to be a process. I realized today some of the other things I am giving up by not getting re-married. If I am honest with myself, I will probably never own a home, not if I want to send my kids to college. That has so many implications in itself. I will never be able to go into my home and and paint the walls whatever color I want. The kids won't be able to have the pets that they want. I won't be able to have the joy of actually picking out a house and getting the keys to my own home. On top of not owning a home I'm realizing that I will never be able to be a stay at home mom. That has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. One by one God is holding out His hand and asking me to place my dreams in His hands. Do I trust him with ALL of my dreams? The ones that I have never even voiced. The ones that I hold deep in my heart. Can I really trust Him? I have always considered the possibility that I would remain single, but now I see that possibility moving to a probability. That scares me. I hate not knowing. I am a girl that loves a plan. That can see points A, B, and C. And right now I feel like I can even see the very next step. I am understanding that this will be a process. That day by day, dream by dream, I will continue to learn how to trust Him more and release those things that I hold dear.

Cleaning out my closet (and I don't mean the shoes!)

I hate to admit this, but when I first got divorced, I would pick up bridal magazines from time to time and just look through them and mark things that I thought may be useful if I ever re-married. I would dream of the day that I would find a wonderful man to step in beside me and walk with me through the rest of my life. After all these years I have still hung onto them keeping them as a little secret that I was too embarrassed to tell anyone about. Every once in a while I would dig them out and look through them and allow myself to dream a little. This past week things have changed. I am beginning to wonder if all that I have been going through, especially the last year or so, is God's way of preparing me to remain single the rest of my life. Honestly, the thought scares me a little. So many people tell me what a "strong" woman I am, but I feel so very weak and insecure. I really doubt myself quite a bit about just about everything: parenting, finances, employment decisions, church commitment, etc... So the thought of being on my own for the rest of my life seems a little overwhelming. I have no one to bounce ideas off of. Everything rises and falls on my shoulders. But, I'm realizing that that may be what God has for me, and if it is, I will take it. It may be scary, but if He wants me to be a single mom, then that is what is best for me and my kids. Even if I found a great Christian guy to marry, if it's not God's will, then it's second best. I don't want second best. As the song goes, "I'm not settlin' with just getting by/I've had enough so-so for the rest of my life/Tired of shooting to low/ Gonna raise the bar high/Just not given up this time/I ain't settling for anything less than everything" I feel as though I'm standing at the edge of a cliff just waiting for the push to send me over. It looks so scary below, but what if I take that step and instead of falling, I fly? Do I really trust that God will lead me to the absolute best life for me and my kids if I only take His hand? It's all about trusting God with a very unknown future. Am I really willing to do this? As scary as it is, at this moment I am saying yes. Yes I will trust Him and follow Him wherever the road may lead. I'm not living my life on hold just waiting for that "prince" to come riding around the corner and "save" my little family. Yes, I have this amazingly strong heart's desire to be a wife again, but all in all, my biggest heart's desire is for my kids. I want them to grow into an amazing man and an amazing woman after God's own heart. I want them to touch people's lives and be a great power for God's kingdom. I want their little hearts to be sold out to Him. What if it is God's plan for me to raise these little ones without a husband? Dare I act like Moses and say "No, I can't do that!"? No. God created me and He knows my strengths and my many weaknesses. He knows the course best suited for me. So all of that to say that this evening, I dug out those bridal magazines and page by page I burned each and everyone. The flowers, the rings, the flower girl dresses, the colors, the themes, the tuxes, the bridesmaids dresses, the cakes, the favors, and of course, the wedding dresses. They are all gone. Their ashes rose up and where swept away in the wind like a symbolic sacrifice. Gone are the days that I trust but I still hold onto a safety line. I am letting go (again). I am stepping out. I am closing my eyes and stepping off the edge of the cliff. I am praying that I will fly. Here goes nothing.

Twitterpated!

The morning started off with another annoying call from the ex. However, the day got so much better. I was able to talk to him in church today. Nothing to deep, just talking. I could just lose myself in his eyes. He honestly makes me feel like a little school girl again. My stomach gets all fluttery and I can't stop grinning. He is such a beautiful man. I'm talking to him and all I can think of is that I want to shout out "I miss you!" Yeah, that would be subtle! Be still my little heart. Be patient and see what God has for you. It's hard not to let my dreams take over. I'm so twitterpated! It is a good thing the Red Wings are on to distract me, even thought their losing so far! :(