I thought of you today.

For the first time in a long time. 

I don't know why you came to my mind,

but there you were.

My mind began to replay that night

Not as a movie,

but more as a slide show

with cracks and pieces missing.

One thing is abundantly clear

The fear.

That moment when I realized

"This is much more than a kiss."

When I knew that this was going somewhere I didn't want to go

and I couldn't stop it.

My "No" was not being heard.

The tears in my eyes were not being seen.

The moment I saw what was going to happen

The moment terror gripped my heart

That moment is forever etched into my mind.

It will not fade

That scar will not heal

And I accept that

And . . .

I forgive you

After over 13 years

I can say I forgive you

You were young

You were impulsive

You told me you loved me

A love that you had kept hidden all year long

that was finally bursting free

You did not understand that hurt you were causing

You did not see the wounds that cut so deep

I did not even know the damage that was being done

My body knew

What my mind denied

My body screamed

As I tried to forget what happened

My body rebelled

It screamed at me to listen

That next day my body won

It stopped

It froze

I lost consciousness

over and over again

They called an ambulance

I missed my own college graduation

because my body knew

It knew

Years later

My mind began to realize

Then slowly my heart

and my soul

I grieved

For the first time

I grieved

For days I cried

But today

I am done grieving

Today I release you

I forgive you

You did not know the pain

You did not see the tears

You loved me

It was a young, impulsive and very blind love

but love nonetheless

I don't excuse you

but I almost understand

So I forgive you

I can even wish you well

God is good

His grace is sure

His mercy never-ending

Open arms?

I wish I could go back in time. I wish that I would have said something. I don't know that it would have done any good, but still, I hate that I kept silent. I feel almost like by my silence I'm saying that it was okay. That it wasn't really wrong. Stupid I know, but that's what is going through my mind. I do feel like I'm past the rage that I had felt. I just feel an overwhelming loss. Like I should be in mourning. Hmmm . . . . I still think about the carefree girl I once was. There was a marked change in me after that. It was like in one night I came face to face with evil and ever since then, I see evil around every corner. I am suspicious of everyone. I don't let it control my life, but I am very aware of my fears. My mind is always thinking of the worst possible things. Most people would never suspect that. I am the girl with a smile always on my face pointing out the "silver lining" to all those around. And that's not a lie, I do look for the silver lining. But at the same time, when it comes to this kind of thing, I trust no one completely. I do let some people in, but I am keenly aware that even the people that I trust, I only trust so much. I wouldn't put anything past them. I don't know that I will ever be able to trust anyone 100% again. Especially men. After trusting and caring for such a great friend and then for him to turn on me like that, I just don't know how you get over that. Oh, well. Not much I can do about it now. Sucks to be me. Or, actually, sucks to be a man in my life. You will never be welcomed with fully open arms.

Memories again

I'm sitting here with everything to do and doing none of it. There is one thought in my mind in the midst of a thousand thoughts swirling around. The tears have dried to my cheeks and I am asking myself, "Why do I seek this out? What demented part of me wants to relive this?" Tonight again, I made a point to watch a movie, on Lifetime of course, about a girl that is raped. I see the pain in her eyes and I watch her struggle to come to terms with what all has happened. I see her flash back to her life before the attack and how she is envious of that carefree girl that is gone. I watch and as the tears trickle down my cheeks, I feel weighted to the floor. I don't feel like I can move. I know that I have so many things to do, but my mind simply can't think of any thing else. I tried again tonight. I went on the RAINN website, again. I don't know why. I feel guilty. This happened so long ago and there are girls each day that are being attacked. How can I put myself in the same category. I almost did it. I almost "spoke" to a counselor via their hotline. I don't really know what good it would do, but each time I see a movie such as this, or I hear about a woman being attacked, I want to reach out. I want to talk to someone and tell them the whole story. I want them to listen and then to somehow just know what to say. To tell me how the heck I heal from this. To tell me that one day, this will all seem so far away. That someday I will be able to detach myself from the memories. Yet, I doubt that will ever happen. I realize that this did happen. That it will always be a part of my life. I can't make it go away. Ever. It is with me to stay. Oh, I grow so weary. My eyes burn and I just want to crawl in bed and shut out the world. Why do I watch such movies? I saw a commercial for this movie like a week ago and right then I knew that I was going to watch it. Why? Why do I do this to myself. Why can't I just shut the door on the whole thing and go back to pretending that it never happened. Instead, I put myself right back at that place. A decade ago, on that little beach with the stars up above and not a soul around. How far away my dorm seemed that night. How unaware I was of anyone else around while I tried to get back to my room. You know, of all the details I remember, I can't remember what I did when I got back that night. Were my roommates in our room? Did I look distressed at all? Did I just go to bed? I honestly can't remember anything until the next day at graduation. Right before I passed out. That whole section is just gone from my memory. How crazy is that? I just don't know. I should just go to bed and finish all this work in the morning. I'm in no shape to be thinking about the legalities of a lease agreement right now.

Not alone

I looked back over my blog a little bit and back to the beginning. I reread my blogs about the sexual assault. All of those emotions came rushing back to the surface. I don't think I will ever be able to think about that night without feeling sick. I mean, it's been over a decade and I still feel this way. Anyway, I thought of something though. I question the evil that abounds in this world and how God can restrain Himself from just vaporizing some people I will never understand. I certainly don't understand why He allowed that evil to come and tear apart my heart that night. I do know this though, I would face anything and go through anything before allowing my children to be hurt. I would go through rape again if given the choice of my rape or my children being hurt or abused. There is no question, I would always choose my children over myself. Thankfully, my children have never been seriously hurt. However, I know one child that was tortured, literally, and eventually killed. That child was Jesus. His father had to sit back and watch the cruelty and evil being thrust upon His Son. No parent out there can comprehend that amount of pain. It's a wonder God didn't just destroy the world at that point. I say all this to say this: God honestly understands the evil that comes into our lives. He gets it. He has been there. It has torn His great heart in two. There is something about knowing that, that helps me cope a little better. And you know what, He saw what happened to me, and He loves me. That night hurt Him just as much as it hurt me. That knowledge doesn't necessarily diminish the pain at all, but I don't feel quite so alone in this pain. And that, that helps.

home

I'm not ready to pray. I know that's it's been a long time, but so much has come crashing down around me. The sexual assault, my son's health, my ex's engagement and my own overwhelming lonliness. So I'm not ready to pray. Instead I go home. Home to the lake. This lake has always held a special place in my heart, and to me, here is home. The chilled breeze, the sound of the waves crashing on the rocks below, the seagulls and the neverending sky. I sit on a rock surrounded by the tranquility of the lake and I try to let it all go. I want to sink beneath the waves and let them wash over my heart cleansing it of the pain there. One single tear. That's all I will allow. And I don't understand that tear. I am supposed to be stronger than this. Why do I feel so weak? I am only human yes, but I am a woman. That means that not only do I handle it all, but I have to look good doing it. And yet here at this moment, I feel very small. I want to stay. I don't want to leave, but I am very aware that time continues on whether I'm ready or not. I must go on with my day. The beautiful plastic facade slipped for a moment, but now, now I leave. Now I go back to facing the world with a smile and matching heels.

Today was the end of the pity party.

"Therefore He is able, once and forever, to save completely everyone who comes to God through Him. He lives forever to plead with God on their behalf." Hebrews 7:25

How powerful is this verse?! Today was the end of the pity party. Today I got my spiritual butt kicked by the message brought in church. I was reminded today of who my Father is and the character that defines Him. I say in my "about me" section that I am fiercely protective of my kids. Imagine how much more so the God of the universe is protective of His one and only Son, Jesus? Our pastor today talked about a couple different passages of Scripture including Heb. 7:25 and also Luck 23:34. In Luke 23 it is talking about the crucifixion of Jesus and the torture and ridicule He endured. Our pastor brought up the point that the Heavenly Father had to sit there and watch His only child go through this. As a mother I cannot comprehend watching someone hurt my son and allowing that to happen. Here is the God of the universe with all power and all strength watching His Son be tortured on the cross. How could He do that? What kind of father would allow that? And then you read Luke 23:34, "Jesus said, 'Father, forgive these people, because they don't know what they are doing.'" In the Greek the word for said actually depicts an ongoing and continuous request. In other words, Jesus, while hanging on the cross, was pleading with His Father to spare them and to not only not destroy these men (and us) but to forgive them (and us)!! How amazing is that? And then you read the verse in Hebrews and realize that still to this day, Jesus is acting as one who intervenes on my behalf. He is standing there in Heaven pleading with the Father to forgive me. And I will dare to be angry? Yes, it was pretty screwed up what happened. But you know what? I did get away before he was actually able to finish. I survived. I made it. Alot worse could have happened. And beyond all that, the God of the universe willingly sacrificed the life of His Son so that I can live and live eternally in Heaven with Him. How dare I?! What was I thinking? What that man did to me was pure evil, but what have I done to Christ? I have no right. Father God, forgive me. Forgive me! Thank You for Your never ending love and grace. Please, never let me forget again the amazing God that You are and how very much You love me. Thank You Father. Thank You.

Proverbs 19:3

So I finally pick up my Bible again this evening and this is what I read, "People ruin their lives by their own foolishness and then are angry at the Lord." When I first read this, my thought was "Did I do something foolish to cause this attack 11 years ago?" I have thought of this alot because I know when the attack happened, I was in violation of some rules of the college. I used to think that because I put myself in that vulnerable position that it was somehow my fault. I have since realized that that is simply not true. I may have been in a vulnerable position but I was with a man I had known for a year and he, I thought, was a good and trusted friend. He was at fault, not me.
Anyway, getting back to the verse, after I figured all that out in my head the truth of the verse hit me. The verse was not talking about what happened 11 years ago, it was talking about what is happening now. Yes, it hurts and I am in pain, but that does not give me an excuse to attempt to abandon my Father. I don't know why He allowed this to happen and I certainly don't understand it and may never understand it. How can anyone give a reason for the evil in this world. The choices I am making now is what is important. Even if I don't feel like reading my Bible and praying, I must. My Bible has always been my lifeline and my prayer time with the Father has always been my strength. There is no one out there that loves me and cares for me more than my Heavenly Father. His heart also breaks when He sees me hurting. One of my favorite worship songs says: "I have a maker/ He formed my heart/ Before even time began/ My life was in His hands/ I have a maker/ He knows my name/ He sees each tear that falls/ And hears me when I call." Now is not the time for me to try and do this on my own. Now is the time that I cling to the One, the only One, that can actually heal my heart. He alone can walk me through this. He alone can soothe the wounds of my soul. He alone. "Father God, forgive me for being so foolish. Forgive me for taking my rage out on You. Hold me close. Heal my heart. Never let me forget that You are my Abba, my Daddy."

hope

one of these days i truly hope to write happiness in this blog. i started blogging at a really odd time in my life when my whole world had been flipped upside down. i am a very positive bubbly person in all reality. it's just that there are these dark things that i keep hidden far from the light where anyone can see. this blog is the only place i allow those things to be discovered. but i will continue on the journey and work through this whole thing and the darkness will eventually be brought to the light. then there will be hope again. there will be joy. then maybe this blog may begin to reflect more of who i really am, not just my pain. i hope.

the haunting august 1998

Why on the night before graduation? If it would have happened during the year, I probably would have eventually told someone and he would have been held accountable. There might have been some sort of justice. He certainly would not have been able to go on the next two years being hailed as a great guy. I actually have him as one of my friends on facebook. I guess my curiosity got the best of me and I wanted to see what had happened in his life since. And there he was. With a big goofy smile on his face. Oh, he has a great life. Cute kid, good wife, he's happy. And it makes my stomach turn a little.

go away
leave me alone
i don't want you here
i want you gone
go back to your place
back where you belong
hidden in the memories
of the recesses of my mind
i don't want to see you smile
i want you to know
know and understand
understand what you did to me
that one night
in one night you scarred my soul
you stole a piece of me
you
you did that
i will not blame myself
i did not give you permission
do i tell you?
do i remind you of what you did?
or do i let you smile
never realizing
going on with you perfect little life
never looking back
no i will not tell you
i will put you back in your place
never to consider you again
you are gone
you are dead
that night never really happened
you have not changed me
i will not give you that power
you and all those like you
never again
you will not see my pain
you will not see the tears in my eyes
i will not give you the privilege
i will not let you apologize
you don't get the choice to make things right
no more
so i say goodbye
goodbye to you
goodbye to the haunting
goodbye to the girl i once was
goodbye
you will never see me again

My eyes are burning but there is still too much on my mind to go to bed. Tonight I went to prayer meeting where my aunt goes to church. When we broke into groups to pray, she confided in me that my cousin is really struggling with her faith. The background is this: My aunt has five kids ranging in age from17 -27. They are all absolutely amazing kids. The kind of kids I hope my own children grow up to be. They love God with a passion and they are a very tight family. This past fall my uncle was diagnosed with cancer. Within in three months, this perfectly healthy man (he went surfing the week before he was diagnosed) died from this disease that ravaged his body. He was an amazing man of God and I miss him greatly. Anyway, because of this, my one cousin has really struggled with her spiritual walk. My aunt told me tonight that my cousin told her that she had not picked up her Bible in over two weeks. My heart broke inside of me. I prayed for her with my aunt and used words like "tragic, rocked to her core, shaken, hurt, tragedy, etc..." and urged God to hold her close as she worked through this. I actually cried for her tonight. And then it hit me. I'm the same girl. No, I have not lost a beloved father, but I did go through a tragedy. It may have been over a decade ago, but the memories were buried until two weeks ago. It is all so fresh in my mind. I have not picked up my Bible or prayed (unless for church or such) in over two weeks, and yet I feel it is almost justified. I cry out for her pain while rejecting my own. I am getting to the point that I want to start reading the Bible again, but I'm still so scared of prayer. Honest, let's talk about what's going on in my heart prayer. It's still those questions I have for Him. The why's I wrote about before. I really don't know if I want the answers. What happens when I get those answers? What if they are not good enough? I don't want to here anything about God's sovereinty or it will all make sense in Heaven. This pain is too real and way to deep to gloss over with your traditional Baptist pat answer. So for now I refuse to consider the questions or the answers. I'll work up to it eventually. If people only knew what this "good Christian girl" was thinking. This is why I have to go to a counselor that doesn't know me and not my pastor. I don't want someone who knows my family and they way they believe. I don't want someone who has already formed an opinion of me. Let me just dump my trash at their feet and let them think that this is all that I am. I'd like to keep this area of my life in a neat little box that doesn't interfere with my "reputation". Yes, I tire of being the quinessential poster child for the good Christian single mom always doing what's right for her kids. Don't get me wrong, I would do anything for my children. It's the rep that drives me nuts. People only see me in two dimentions because that's all they want to see of me. I don't even have a spouse that I can be totally open and honest with. Thus, I blog. I spill it all out for no one to read, but at least it is out of my head. Now maybe I can actually sleep a little. Maybe.

today

today i have felt almost normal. i am finally starting to sleep again, although i am staying up until i'm so exhausted i have no choice but to collapse in bed. my kids are doing well and they are laughing and playing, never knowing the demons raging inside of their mother. i found a great counselor and although she is expensive, my pastor is working on getting the church to cover the majority of the cost. part of me is glad that i will be going, the other part of me is afraid of the dark. the dark of digging up the death of a small part of me. i know that it will be good when all is said and done, but it will be a dark valley to walk through. i am trusting that God will give me the strength. i say that, but i am still struggling to read my Bible and pray. i don't really know why i'm staying away. i do know that when i pray, i journal my prayers and it is pretty much impossible to hide anything in prayer. maybe i believe that if i don't pray and open this up to God, then i don't have to ask the questions. questions like why did He even allow this to happen. i was following Him. after some seriously rough high school years i went to a two year Bible school. the night before my graduation is when it happened. after serving Him for two years and seeking His heart, that's when it happened. why then? what was it that made it the "right time"? i've never asked that question. and this was not some "heathen" man, it was a "good christian" guy. someone who was supposedly my friend. a dear friend. no wonder i have issues with trusting guys. no wonder i walked away from that and decided that God had no part of my relationship with men. why did He allow this? He knew my heart. He knew my spirit and that this would tear me apart. why would He let this happen? i don't understand and i don't want to be asking these questions. because what are the answers? what can anyone possibly say to make all of this okay? who needs a counselor when i can blog. i know i still need to go, but this blogging is definetly helping me to sort through some things in my own mind. especially since i'm afraid to pray. i'm exhausted again and i'm getting yet another headache from thinking about all of this. time to go back into the reality i've created for myself.

numb

I feel very numb today. As if I'm on autopilot. I'm sitting here looking around the house, knowing all the work that needs to be done. I need to be cleaning. I need to start baking. I have a dinner party tonight and I'm providing the desserts. I have just over six hours before I have to be there and yet I cannot get myself motivated to start baking. I love to bake. But today, I just want to go back to bed. Why did these memories come back? Why now? After 11 years of blissful denial, why now? This will get easier, won't it? I need to believe that. I just want to fall asleep. Why can't I just go back to denying all of this. Why can't I just erase this week or that night for that matter? It will get better. It has to. It can't get any worse. So for now, I'll keep moving on autopilot. Doing what needs to be done, while my eyes burn with emotion and my heart refuses to beat. I will still be that good girl that everything is wonderful for. What choice do I have?

wounds

I am so raw. I knew that God was starting this journey with me. That He wanted me to surrender it all and stop trying to control everything. I knew that He was beginning to open my eyes to things that I had some how never seen before. He was poking and prodding around in my soul bringing to light things I had long since buried. This past weekend He starting poking around in places that I was not comfortable with. Things that I held too close to my heart. Things that I hold dear. It hurt a bit, but I knew it was for the best. And even if I didn't want to see it, I needed to. I accepted the truth He revealed to me and kept going. Then yesterday He went too far. He took His knife and cut way down into my soul. He opened up wounds in me that I had long ago tried to ignore. I have spent a decade denying that these wounds even existed and now here He was digging at them, bringing them to light. The pain overwhelmed me and it is still coming in waves. In my head I know that these are things I need to deal with, but so much of me wants a quick retreat. I want to scream, "You've gone too far! This is off limits, even to You!" I want to shut down and go back to denying anything ever happened. That this is all part of a bad dream. Right now, I want to curl up and go back to bed. I don't want to face this. I don't want to walk down this road. I know that if I do, the pain is only beginning. I don't want to believe that this has affected me at all. I want to pretend that none of this has ever happened. I want to scream. I want to run. I want to cry. I want to drink. I do not want to pray. I don't want to pick up my Bible. I don't want to talk to anyone about anything. I want to just shut down. But I know that I can't. If for no other reason than I have two children depending on me. I must keep going. But do I really have to face this? Do I really need to finally deal with this pain? I know that I must. I know that even though there is pain right now, and that there will be more pain in the future, I know that I have to take this on. If I don't, I will never be able to heal these wounds. I don't even know where to begin. The thought of talking to someone brings on such shame. I'm supposed to be a good Christian girl with a wonderful little family. This kind of evil does not belong in my world. Yet, it is here and I must face it. Part of me is so numb right now, which is a relief. My eyes burn in weariness. I want to just lay my head down and sleep. But I won't. I have slept for 11 years. I have let this put a cloud on my otherwise joyful soul for way too long. So what do I do? I make a call. Despite the pain. Despite the shame. I will make that call. If God wants to bring all this out, then so be it. I will deal with it. But He will have to carry me through this. I cannot stand. I cannot walk. But I can make that call. Please God, have him ready to listen and understand. He is my pastor, and he is there for me to go to about anything, but he will never expect me to say these things. Give me the strength I need to get through this first step. Don't abandon me now.

Today

I have never blogged before but a friend of mine shared his experience with blogging (the good and the bad), so I thought I'd give it a try. I'm not sure what to expect except that this will be like a digital diary for me. I hope to remain anonymous so that I can voice what is on my heart and soul without fear of judgment. So I never plan to reveal anything about myself beyond my thoughts. I used to write alot, but became discouraged by people constantly wanting to state their opinions on things that had nothing to do with them. Writing has always been a release for me. Unfortunately, I allowed myself to become distracted with life itself and stopped taking the time to absorb all that was happening around me. Case in point today. This afternoon I was with a friend and something triggered memories from my past that I had refused to think about for a very long time. I did not take the time at the moment to examine what had happened and instead I kept everything inside convincing myself that everything would be okay if I just kept moving on. Little did I know that a decade later, it would all come rushing back and literally make me so weak I could not stand. As I finally allowed the tears to flow after ten years of denying them, a realization came over me. No matter how much I tried to deny what had happened, it DID happen and it DID greatly affect me. I finally began to see how not only that moment but two other moments where connected though they took place years apart and involved different people. It was like scales had been lifted from my eyes and I could see it all clearly for the very first time. I had been deeply hurt. And it was not my fault. I had not caused this pain. I should not feel guilty or ashamed for what someone else did. Even now as I write this, I am fighting to keep myself from shaking. This very powerful revelation has brought me to my knees. After years of denial, I am finally ready to face what happened. It will be hard, but it is necessary. So today I take the first step and admit what happened. He attacked me. He pinned me to the ground. The weight and strength of his body suffocated me. He tore my shirt. He pulled and tugged my jeans. I said no over and over again. My fear overwhelmed me. My friend, my confidant for over a year, was hurting me. He thought only of himself and showed a hatred towards me. A man that I had trusted and loved, betrayed me in every imaginable way. And yes, I was able to get away before he did everything he wanted to do, but that does not lessen the pain. That does not minimize the terror I felt, the helplessness that washed over me, or the evil he displayed that night. There is no excuse. And there will never be any justice. But I refuse to let him hide in the darkness anymore. I will face what he did. I will scream. I will cry. And eventually I will heal. I have always refused to speak about this with anyone. But today, I pour this out on a screen to all the world, though no one will probably ever read it. But for me, I release the power that this has had on me for the last 11 years. Today I will be free.