Today

I have never blogged before but a friend of mine shared his experience with blogging (the good and the bad), so I thought I'd give it a try. I'm not sure what to expect except that this will be like a digital diary for me. I hope to remain anonymous so that I can voice what is on my heart and soul without fear of judgment. So I never plan to reveal anything about myself beyond my thoughts. I used to write alot, but became discouraged by people constantly wanting to state their opinions on things that had nothing to do with them. Writing has always been a release for me. Unfortunately, I allowed myself to become distracted with life itself and stopped taking the time to absorb all that was happening around me. Case in point today. This afternoon I was with a friend and something triggered memories from my past that I had refused to think about for a very long time. I did not take the time at the moment to examine what had happened and instead I kept everything inside convincing myself that everything would be okay if I just kept moving on. Little did I know that a decade later, it would all come rushing back and literally make me so weak I could not stand. As I finally allowed the tears to flow after ten years of denying them, a realization came over me. No matter how much I tried to deny what had happened, it DID happen and it DID greatly affect me. I finally began to see how not only that moment but two other moments where connected though they took place years apart and involved different people. It was like scales had been lifted from my eyes and I could see it all clearly for the very first time. I had been deeply hurt. And it was not my fault. I had not caused this pain. I should not feel guilty or ashamed for what someone else did. Even now as I write this, I am fighting to keep myself from shaking. This very powerful revelation has brought me to my knees. After years of denial, I am finally ready to face what happened. It will be hard, but it is necessary. So today I take the first step and admit what happened. He attacked me. He pinned me to the ground. The weight and strength of his body suffocated me. He tore my shirt. He pulled and tugged my jeans. I said no over and over again. My fear overwhelmed me. My friend, my confidant for over a year, was hurting me. He thought only of himself and showed a hatred towards me. A man that I had trusted and loved, betrayed me in every imaginable way. And yes, I was able to get away before he did everything he wanted to do, but that does not lessen the pain. That does not minimize the terror I felt, the helplessness that washed over me, or the evil he displayed that night. There is no excuse. And there will never be any justice. But I refuse to let him hide in the darkness anymore. I will face what he did. I will scream. I will cry. And eventually I will heal. I have always refused to speak about this with anyone. But today, I pour this out on a screen to all the world, though no one will probably ever read it. But for me, I release the power that this has had on me for the last 11 years. Today I will be free.