My eyes are burning but there is still too much on my mind to go to bed. Tonight I went to prayer meeting where my aunt goes to church. When we broke into groups to pray, she confided in me that my cousin is really struggling with her faith. The background is this: My aunt has five kids ranging in age from17 -27. They are all absolutely amazing kids. The kind of kids I hope my own children grow up to be. They love God with a passion and they are a very tight family. This past fall my uncle was diagnosed with cancer. Within in three months, this perfectly healthy man (he went surfing the week before he was diagnosed) died from this disease that ravaged his body. He was an amazing man of God and I miss him greatly. Anyway, because of this, my one cousin has really struggled with her spiritual walk. My aunt told me tonight that my cousin told her that she had not picked up her Bible in over two weeks. My heart broke inside of me. I prayed for her with my aunt and used words like "tragic, rocked to her core, shaken, hurt, tragedy, etc..." and urged God to hold her close as she worked through this. I actually cried for her tonight. And then it hit me. I'm the same girl. No, I have not lost a beloved father, but I did go through a tragedy. It may have been over a decade ago, but the memories were buried until two weeks ago. It is all so fresh in my mind. I have not picked up my Bible or prayed (unless for church or such) in over two weeks, and yet I feel it is almost justified. I cry out for her pain while rejecting my own. I am getting to the point that I want to start reading the Bible again, but I'm still so scared of prayer. Honest, let's talk about what's going on in my heart prayer. It's still those questions I have for Him. The why's I wrote about before. I really don't know if I want the answers. What happens when I get those answers? What if they are not good enough? I don't want to here anything about God's sovereinty or it will all make sense in Heaven. This pain is too real and way to deep to gloss over with your traditional Baptist pat answer. So for now I refuse to consider the questions or the answers. I'll work up to it eventually. If people only knew what this "good Christian girl" was thinking. This is why I have to go to a counselor that doesn't know me and not my pastor. I don't want someone who knows my family and they way they believe. I don't want someone who has already formed an opinion of me. Let me just dump my trash at their feet and let them think that this is all that I am. I'd like to keep this area of my life in a neat little box that doesn't interfere with my "reputation". Yes, I tire of being the quinessential poster child for the good Christian single mom always doing what's right for her kids. Don't get me wrong, I would do anything for my children. It's the rep that drives me nuts. People only see me in two dimentions because that's all they want to see of me. I don't even have a spouse that I can be totally open and honest with. Thus, I blog. I spill it all out for no one to read, but at least it is out of my head. Now maybe I can actually sleep a little. Maybe.