heart's desire

I have made one of those decisions that I know is the right decision, but that doesn't mean that it is necessarily easy. I have given alot of thought lately to the people that I surround myself with on a day to day basis. I have decided that it is time to enclose that circle of friends a little bit tighter and weed out those that have a tendency to bring me down. I even took a look at those friends I have on facebook. It may seem trivial, but alot of those people I do interact with on a fairly daily basis. So I actually deleted some of those friends. The hard part of that is the fact that the one friend I deleted I spent an awful lot of time chatting with. We would talk about everything from just our how our days went that day to our dreams for the future and fears that we might have. We discussed everything. Unfortunately, this guy made it very clear that he wanted more than a friendship. I tried to set things straight with him and he said he understood, but he couldn't stop with the flirting. Then once it was out in the open that he was interested he tried to take the conversation to places it simply should not go. I really enjoyed his friendship, but it became apparent that he not only would always want more from me than I was willing to give, but that he could very easily become a stumbling block for me. So I deleted him. Now, however, I am finding myself missing that friendship. One of the difficulties of being a single parent, is never quite fitting with different groups in general, even more so in the church. The majority of my friends are married with young children. Which is great because I can talk with them about the joys and trials of raising young kids. However, they have husbands that they do all of their social things with and that they rightfully devote a considerable amount of time to. I do have a couple of single friends, but they don't have kids and they go out all the time on weekends with no thought of having to get a sitter. They are much more free with their money since they are only providing for themselves. I have found that among these friends I get fewer and fewer invitations since I do not have the flexibility to be as spontaneous. Anyone that has tried to book a sitter on a Saturday night with less than three weeks notice knows how difficult it can be to be spontaneous. This leaves me stuck between two groups that I never feel totally comfortable in for long periods of time. I do have one very good girlfriend that used to be a single mom but got married 3 years ago. She connects well with me because she still understands some of the difficulties I face since she faced them too, but, she is very jealous of her time with her husband, as she should be. It's hard enough to be a mom of young kids in this world today. It's hard enough being a 30 year old (yes, I'll finally admit I'm not still 29!) single girl. Trust me, I did not miss dating to begin with. But mix those two together and there are days I am keenly aware that this is not the way God intended a family. Not only is it difficult not to have another parent in the house to lean on and to receive support from, but it is a very lonely place to be. When it comes to a husband, there are several things that I long for: a man that would actually be the leader of our home, a man that will encourage me in my spiritual walk, a man to financially provide for our family, a man to unconditionally love me, a man to be my lover, a man to allow me to just be a girl again instead of always playing two roles and having to be superwoman all the time. Above all this, it is on evenings like this that I struggle the most. I just long to have that special man sit with me after the kids are in bed and just be there together. A man that I can talk to about the trivial and those things buried deep in my soul. A man that is my true best friend and companion. I long for that, full well knowing that I may never have that again. I am not so foolish to assume that any man will do.I was married for five years before and all that man did out of that list above was provide financially for our family and managed to be a part-time lover to me as well. I will never walk that path again. I have been on my own for three and a half years now and though I am weary, I know that I will never settle for less than God's best for me and my children, should that day ever come. I know that without God's direction and blessing, all those things I long for will never come to fruition with any man. I know that God has me single right now for a reason, and honestly, I am truly content with that. That does not change the fact that I have this strong heart's desire to one day be a wife again. I loved loving a man. Even with all the pain and heartache that went with it, I loved devoting my life to him and to my children. I loved being a "homemaker" and striving to make our house a true home and safe haven. I was absolutely delirious about being a stay-at-home mom. These desires have not lessened over the years. I love my children, our home and my life. But there is that part of me that wonders if ever this aching in my heart will end. Only God knows and I am content to hold His hand and follow where He leads. So for today, when I feel the need to "talk", I blog instead. I can share my whole heart and bare my soul since only a couple of people even know about this blog, which is good and bad. An annonymous blog doesn't give you much chance of interaction. I think this is my longest blog to date, but this is also a very tender subject for my heart. One day, one day, if only God wills, I may see my heart's desire fulfilled. By the grace of God.