It only take one moment

It only takes one moment to realize how incapable I am as a parent. Some days I feel so incredibly overwhelmed. I long to have a partner in raising these kids. I am forever second guessing myself. My son's teacher called today from school. She has "concerns". My son's behavior has changed the past two weeks and he has been acting out in ways that are uncharacteristic of him. Part of me is angry that he would do such things, part of me is exceptionally concerned. I don't know how to handle this. He needs to be punished for his behavior, but something is definitely bothering him. How do I balance showing compassion and getting him to open up to me, and still sending the firm message that this type of behavior will never be tolerated? I feel like someone knocked my legs out from underneath me and I am looking up trying to figure out what just happened. Wow, do I ever need prayer and wisdom from above.

Protection

I will not throw up. I am trying to trust. I am trying to rest in His arms, but on days like today, it seems very difficult. I do all that I can to protect my children but unfortunately I have to let them go where they are not as protected. It is then that I have to trust Him. This makes no sense I know. Last night I found out that my former step-son and his family have moved back to the area. I loved this boy as my own. He was however molested by a member of my ex-husband's family. His mother never dealt with it (and neither did the family of the molester and the main reason I try to distance my children from that family as much as possible). On top of his molestation, he has been exposed to pornography on a regular basis since he was a young child. It doesn't take a genius to realize that it is very likely that he will repeat the actions taken on him. Now that he has moved back to the area, my ex-husband wants to have my children and my former step-son together for joint visitations. I have no legal ground to stand on. My ex-husband is not exactly an involved parent, even when he has the kids there. They are typically fed McDonald's and pizza and left to play video games and watch TV. It would be very easy for something to happen to one of my children. I know he thinks that I'm paranoid, but I don't think I am being so. If my step-son had received counseling and lived in a healthy family environment, I would not be near as concerned. I just want my ex to realize that the possibility is there. I think he views his son as just an innocent little boy still, but he is going to be 13 in a couple of months (the age that the molester was) and since he has not been given the tools to deal with this trauma, it is very likely that he will act out what he has been exposed to. Ugh, I feel so nauseous. I literally woke up this morning wanting to puke. I scheduled a "friendly" dinner for Friday night to meet with my ex and his fiance' where I am going to try and address my concerns. I don't know how it will be received. I want my tone to be positive but I want the seriousness of the situation to be understood. Oh, and I don't want to throw up, which I still feel like doing. Father help me.

Weary & anxious

I woke up this morning before the alarm ever went off. It's not that I was well rested (am I ever?), but because I had this overwhelming feeling of nausea in the pit of my stomach. I knew right away that it was anxiety, not the flu. What did I have to be this anxious about? There are always stresses and worries, but it is very rare that I feel this level of anxiety. I did my quiet time and kept trying to shake it, but it hung like fog over me and all around me. I headed into the shower and it all hit me. Tomorrow my daughter starts school. I am very excited for her and it will be so good for her. However, this marks the beginning of the end. My ex-husband and I separated when my daughter was only four months old. So from the age of four months, she has been in some sort of childcare while I worked. There was this part of me that thought that I would remarry fairly soon after my divorce and that I would once again be a stay at home mom. I have always struggled with the fact that my daughter has been partially raised by various childcare providers. With her starting school tomorrow, it signals the end of her "carefree" years. No longer will I have the option to keep her home if I have a day off of work. I have lost those precious years that most moms get to spend with their kids. They are gone. She is now headed for school and all I get is the summer (which I still have to work through). All these thoughts overwhelmed and for the first time in a very long time I completely broke down. I sobbed. The tears ran from my eyes and my body shook. Everything within me ached. And then there it was. My old friend returned. Guilt. Guilt that I have not been enough for my kids. Guilt that I will never be able to be enough, that I will never be able to be the kind of mom I always wanted to be. Guilt that my children will always have to settle for second best. If I had not married so spontaneously. If I had followed God's will in my choice for a spouse. If I. . . .it never ends. The guilt and the anxiety sent me tumbling to the ground. I was being beat down by invisible fists and I was too weak to stand. Somewhere in the midst of it all I hear this very small voice say "I am sufficient". I want to believe. I want to trust that despite the circumstances that surround my children's childhood God will bless them and strengthen them. I want to believe. Some days are just too hard. So I head into today feeling very small and very weary. My eyes burn. My heart aches.

i should have named him samuel

after several pain pills to dull the stabbing pain in my head and the churning of my stomach keeping me from a perfectly good pie, i came to a realization. he's not worth it. i literally was making myself sick tonight with worry and anger. i divorced him for a reason. he is not my concern anymore. my children are. and whether i can rest in it or not, they are in God's hands. He loves them even more than i do (which is hard for me to fathom) and He actually CAN do something about all this. i have to remember 1 Samuel 1: 27-28 "I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD." Hannah begged God to give her a child. she finally has one child and she turns around and offers him up to God for His service. she took him to the temple and left him there. and this was not some sweet little baptist church. Eli's sons had prostitutes at the temple gates. they were the epitome of immoral. and yet she entrusted her only child not to eli, but to God. she trusted God to watch over him and protect him. if God could protect samuel in that environment and actually make him an amazing man of God, how much more can God bless and protect my children if i am only willing to trust Him impeccably. this all makes sense in my head, but heart is hard to follow. i just know that i can't do this on my own and i will make myself crazy trying to.

A Better Day

Today has been a good day. I spent the day with my kids and my nephew and we just had so much fun together. My son is finally feeling alot better and his little body is almost back to 100%!! That is such a relief for me. It can be so very stressful when your little one is ill and you don't know why. I am so thankful for all the doctors that have helped him. The journey to full health isn't over and won't be for probably for a year or so, but we at least have a direction and can help him feel so much better while we fix the underlying problem. I was actually able to sleep last night for the first time in over a week. This whole thing has just reminded me that even though my kids seem perfectly healthy and happy little kids, anything can happen at any moment. All it takes is one seemingly average doctor's appointment and your whole life can come to a screeching halt. I have been more patient with my kids lately and I have just appreciated the little things about them. It is a shame that it took this to make me remember what a special gift it is to have these two blessings in my life. I love them so much, and yet I allow the day to day to distract me from the beauty in their little faces. I am truly so very blessed.

stressed

i have not written in a quite a while and part of the reason is that i have returned to work full-time and the other reason is that i'm stressed because of my son being sick. we have been dealing with something with him for the past two weeks and after two different failed treatments, he may have to be admitted to the hospital. i am trying to be positive and i don't want him to be scared, but i am really scared. they can't even give me a real answer as to why this is all happening. he had surgery once when he was three and had a reaction to the anesthetic. he was still sent home from that hospital, but he continued to decline. within 36 hours of his release from the hospital he had to be taken by ambulance to be admitted back into the hospital and he was there for 3 days. so yes, i'm scared and anxious and not sleeping even though my body is exhausted. i will find out from his doctor tomorrow if he will have to be admitted or if there is still something else we can try. no 7 year old should have to go through this. and i know that this is minor compared to what some other kids go through, but this is still my son. that doesn't make it any easier. if ever i could use the support of a husband it would be now. his biological father doesn't even know about it. he hasn't bothered to even call in over a month. when i do tell him (i will have to if my son is hospitalized), he will somehow find a way for all of this to be my fault. i'm so tired. i don't even want to tell him. i don't want to hear it. he will add so much stress to the situation. ugh. who cares about him anyway. i just want my son to be well again. i want him to be healthy and to be able to eat and to be able to play without pain. i'm too tired for this. i don't want to cry over my son's sleeping little body anymore. i just want this to all go away. i'm turning off the computer and i'm going to go lay down and wait until my alarm goes off.

The guilt wages on

Here I am again. I've started a new job this week and wouldn't you know it both my kids are having health issues. My daughter has been up half the night with a cough and my son is needing to start a three day process of medication that requires him to stay home. I'm going in to work today but I will be taking tomorrow off to deal with these things. My guilt is eating me alive and it doesn't help that my mom is telling me how much she wants me to start with the treatment with my son today. She doesn't even know about my daughter being sick too. The only job I was ever fired from was 7 years ago when my son was a baby and I was fired because I missed too much work because he was such a sick little baby. So here I am with the battle that all single moms face. What I find ironic is the fact that for the almost two months I was job hunting, my kids where perfectly healthy. They wait until my first week of a new job to get sick. I don't think this guilt will ever go away. It just breaks my heart.

Success?

I have been reading a book entitled "A Mother's Heart" by Jean Fleming, and what I have read early this morning has spoken to my heart. She talks about what success in life actually means. So many times we see a man or a woman that is well dressed and rushing off to some high-powered job so that he or she can have a "quality" vehicle and house as successful. But is that truly success if one's children/spouse are the ones that are sacrificed in the end? This is a difficult topic for me. As a single mom I have no choice but to work and to put my children in daycare, but that does not ease the guilt. I struggle with how much I pursue a career in hopes of providing for my children a certain "quality" of life versus maintaining a job while making my career one of raising my children. I have realized that I adamantly fight against the the stigmas about children being raised in a single parent home. I want it to seem as though my children want for nothing and that they live a perfectly happy, busy life just like their two-parent counterparts. I don't my kids to be the ones in hand-me-down clothes and people thinking, "Well, she is a single mom. She can only do so much." I hate that. But in the end, what is really more important: that my kids have the newest Children's Place line of clothes and sport the name brand jeans and shoes or that they have a mother that is available to them to raise, nurture and love them. I am a single mom and it is ridiculously difficult at times. I am forced to become two people at the same time. I walk a fine line of spending time working to provide the necessities and spending time actually being a mother. And it's not just working 9-5 and then the kids have me from 5-9 . When I come home from work and I'm tired and only focused on getting the days chores done, my kids still don't have me. I hate to say it, but there are days that my kids don't "have" me at all. I run to the daycares to pick up the kids, run home and start dinner, throw a load of laundry in the washer, sit down and eat as quickly as possible so that I can start dishes, put the laundry in the dryer (and start another load most likely), check my son's homework, bathe my daughter, get my son into the shower, tuck my daughter in, tuck my son in, and then back to the laundry and continue with chores until I collapse in bed. At what point in that time do I actually spend quality time with the kids? But then what do I do? I tried to wait to start the housework until they went to bed, but I didn't get to bed until way too late and became cranky and short with the kids due to the lack of sleep. This is not okay. This is not the way I want my kids to be raised. They have more quality time with their daycare teachers than with their own mother. So at that point, who is raising my children? Can I honestly say that it is me? I ache to just quit my job and focus on my children full-time, but that is obviously not possible. I feel as though I am forever pulled in several different directions. I was actually approached by the Sunday School director at church and asked to work in Sunday School. I was told that I have such talent and knowledge when it comes to young children it would be a pity to waste. Who says I'm wasting it if instead of giving more of my time to someone else, I give that time to my own children. I always say that they are my first priority, but does my day to day life reflect that? If someone watched my life as an old silent film, what would they conclude about what is most important to me? I don't think that they would come to the same conclusion as what I profess. I see no change in the near future and that leaves with a feeling of total hopelessness. That is a terrible way to feel about the future of your own children. I do love them so much, I am just so weary of this constant battle. I long to see a glimmer of hope. To know that I am not ruining their lives. That somehow, someday, I will be able to dedicate more time to them. But alas, today is today, and the cycle begins anew.

A man's man

I recently took my son to go see a rodeo. First thing I have to say is that what they say about a man in uniform is also very true of a man in chaps!! Beyond that, I noticed a couple of interesting things. When the show was getting ready to start they took a good fifteen minutes out of the show to talk about our country and to honor those serving in the armed forces. There is such a strong feeling of patriotism when you are surrounded with people immersed in "the country" (which I am very proud to be a part of!). I love the fact that there is a respect for our country, our flag and our men and women in the military. I have felt that way for such a long time and it disgusts me when I see others take our freedom and the sacrifices made so very flippantly. The second thing that I noticed that kind of took me by surprise was the fact that before they began the announcer prayed. He prayed! Here we are in this grand arena with thousands of people and this man is talking about thanking God and then he actually prayed. What affected me the most was that about 2/3 of these rough and tough cowboys got down on one knee and put their hats over their hearts when the announcer began to pray. Now, I am not so naive to not realize that alot of this is show, but at least there is a showing of gratitude towards God. At least it is something that is acknowledged! All of this got me thinking. Here are these men that are billed as "the world's toughest" and yet it is encouraged/expected of them to behave in a certain manner. These men have been taught (and are teaching the little cowboys that look up to them) that above all else, you love your country and you love your God (in that order it seems though). One cowboy in particular had crosses on his chaps and knelt and prayed after each ride. That I respect. I know that there are professional athletes that do that kind of thing too, but it is rare. (on a side note, pro athletes don't usually continuing playing with broken ankles, ribs, fingers, etc. . .). Being a single mom, I have so many concerns about what my little boy is going to admire and strive to become. I am very cautious of who he looks up to and last night, he saw a good example. Now I won't pretend that everything about these cowboys is honorable, but he saw that a "man's man" is also a man that loves his God and honors his country. Two things that I am desperately trying to instill in his young heart. So even if it is a skewed picture, he still gets a glimpse of the kind of man I hope he becomes. So do I want him to be a man's man? In some regards absolutely! I just want him to also not only love his God, I want him to be passionate about Him. I also want him to understand that part of being a man's man in my book is greatly based upon how he treats women, especially "his woman". When all is said and done, the rodeo was an absolute blast and I hope to return each year when it comes to town. I am also learning to embrace my country girl side a little more each day!! ;)

In love!

I just have to say that I am totally and completely in love with my kids!!! My daughter who as her teacher says "dances her little butt off" and whose spunk I have not seen rivaled since my own college days. My son has an absolute heart of gold and is quite a man for only being 7 years old. They are my greatest joy and my greatest blessing. Thank you God for this amazing gift!