Here goes nothin'!

I've been thinking about doing something for a while, but I've decided to actually do it. Tomorrow will begin this journey. I'm not exactly sure what to expect, so, here goes nothing!

Melting

So I was told over the weekend that fathers need to hug their daughters at least once a day. That there is this natural need in girls and women to have the embrace from a man. If daughters do not get this at home, they will seek it elsewhere. And that literally brought tears to my eyes. First, because my daughter sure doesn't get that. Thankfully a male friend of my has kind of adopted my children and has made a real effort to reach out to them. That includes taking my son to the "men's activities" at church and hugging and loving on my little girl. I am so thankful for him and I don't know that we will ever know what good he is doing for my precious little ones.

That being said, I felt the tears more so for myself. It seriously sucks not having that touch from a man. I am a physical person, a touchy feely person so to speak. When I am with friends, I will touch their backs or arms or wrap my arms around their waists. That's just the way I am. With my children, I am always snuggling them. Even in church, I have noticed that almost always I am touching one or both of my children throughout the service. It is going on 5 years since my husband left. It has been over 3 since I was in a relationship. I feel it. There are times when all I want is a hug from a man. Just to be wrapped in his arms. To be embraced fully and lay my head even briefly on his chest. I'm afraid I would just melt. I feel like such a little kid. I don't know why I am writing all of this. I have to get used to this. I'm not going to remarry so I will never know the privilege of being held by a man on a regular basis again. Yup. That pretty much sucks. Ehhh . . . I just chalk it up to yet another consequence of the choices I have made.

Open arms?

I wish I could go back in time. I wish that I would have said something. I don't know that it would have done any good, but still, I hate that I kept silent. I feel almost like by my silence I'm saying that it was okay. That it wasn't really wrong. Stupid I know, but that's what is going through my mind. I do feel like I'm past the rage that I had felt. I just feel an overwhelming loss. Like I should be in mourning. Hmmm . . . . I still think about the carefree girl I once was. There was a marked change in me after that. It was like in one night I came face to face with evil and ever since then, I see evil around every corner. I am suspicious of everyone. I don't let it control my life, but I am very aware of my fears. My mind is always thinking of the worst possible things. Most people would never suspect that. I am the girl with a smile always on my face pointing out the "silver lining" to all those around. And that's not a lie, I do look for the silver lining. But at the same time, when it comes to this kind of thing, I trust no one completely. I do let some people in, but I am keenly aware that even the people that I trust, I only trust so much. I wouldn't put anything past them. I don't know that I will ever be able to trust anyone 100% again. Especially men. After trusting and caring for such a great friend and then for him to turn on me like that, I just don't know how you get over that. Oh, well. Not much I can do about it now. Sucks to be me. Or, actually, sucks to be a man in my life. You will never be welcomed with fully open arms.

Now what did he go and do that for? Ugh. Temptation is a bitch.

Pathetic

So I usually do fine with this whole thing, but every once in a while I feel it. I feel the loneliness. Not the I wish my kids had a father, or I would love to have the support a partner brings, but the actual I just wish someone was there to go home to. A person that loved me. A person that I loved and cherished. A man that I could just melt in his arms with no fear. Someone to love. Tonight I felt it. It filled my heart. Looking at a beautiful sunset, I just longed to be able to share it with someone. It doesn't help that I took the kids and met my sister and her kids at a park that was in his neighborhood. It just made me miss him again. This would have been a perfect night to go on a motorcycle ride up to the beach and watch the sunset. I just all around miss him from time to time. I miss seeing his smile and hearing his laugh. I miss the way he would touch me and love me. I miss the way he would look at me and I could see the love just bubbling up from his heart. I miss the way his eyes would light up around my kids and the way he would hold them and play with them. Heck, I miss the way he smells. I was invited to go out tomorrow night to go square dancing (I know, I know) but I couldn't really go because I didn't have a partner to go with. Who would I dance with? It's something that he would enjoy trying out and I would love being with him. I don't know. I'm just lonely tonight. I am almost tempted to start praying again for a husband. I'm just so afraid to do that. I don't want to get sidetracked from what is important in my life right now. I don't know if I can handle praying for that without it becoming a focus in my life. And, honestly, what if I start praying and God says no? It's one thing for me to plan to live my life believing that I will never remarry, it's another thing to know for sure that that door is closed. I don't know what the future holds, and I try not to think about it too much. But tonight I do know that I am just plain lonely. That sounds so pathetic, but it's true. I will probably stay up way too late tonight filling my time with useless things until I'm too exhausted to stay awake another moment. Then I will crawl into bed, try to sleep and get up the next morning and prepare for my ex to come take my kids for the day. Ugh. Dare I dream of a someday?

Anxiety turns to joy

God is so very good. I know I say that a lot, but He continuously proves Himself faithful over and over again. I felt strongly like I needed to take some time away today, so after getting the kids off to school and a brief meeting this morning, I took off to my favorite (local) get away spot. The lake. I love the lake at any time of year, but right about this time, the lake begins to melt in places pushing up blocks of ice on top of the otherwise frozen lake. It is simply beautiful. The perfectly white ice against a clear blue sky and the absolute silence that encompasses the entire area. I just love it! Soon the chunks of ice will be pushed up onto the sand and these ice mountains will form before everything is melted away. I love His beautiful creation!

Anyway, I had decided to take time to do some prayer and fasting today. As I sat by the lake enjoying the silence and just pouring out my heart before God, He overwhelmed me with peace and joy. I still don't have any answers about a job or where we are going to live, but I know, beyond all doubt, that He is in control. The place that we are living now was an absolute God send and no one even knew this place existed until we were living in a friend's basement. A friend that was trying to sell her house. We were desperate. Desperate for His hand to move. And He did just that. I know that wherever He leads us, it will be what is best for me and my two little ones. My mind cannot comprehend all He has in store for us. I am so grateful that I can depend on Him. As far as the job, it was the same thing. I had been unemployed for two months and then got a temp job. That temp job ended with no prospects in sight. Then out of the blue, this job came along. It has by far, been the best job I could ever want. God has blessed me so tremendously through this job and He has grown me and taught me like I could have never imagined. I know that we are secure in His hands. I am turning from anxiousness to pure excitement to see what all He has in store.

On top of all of this, He has laid on my heart a new ministry possibility that I am growing increasingly excited about. I have no idea how it would all work out, but I am thrilled to be going along for the ride.

Now, I have to say, that when you spend time alone with God like this, He can do amazing things for your heart. He comforted me and filled me with contentment. He seemed to hold me safe in His arms. But that was after He had to deal with some darkness in my heart. I had to face where I was screwing up and make that right, before He could pour out these blessings today. So I am excited and renewed and convicted and determined to not settle for second best in my spiritual walk. I want God to take me, shape me and use me. I want my life to glorify His name every day, every moment. I want my face and my heart to be a reflection of Him.

HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!

"Do you trust me?"

"Do you trust me?" That's what I hear Him asking me. My head says, "Of course I trust You. You have proven Yourself faithful time and time again." My heart, my gut, just wants to scream out, "What are You doing?! Why give me such a great blessing, only to rip it away? I would have rather of never known this blessing, than to receive it just to lose it again."

My heart aches and my stomach turns. My world has been flipped upside down. I have lost my job and the place that we were going to be moving to. That is hard enough to wrap my mind around, but in losing all this, I have lost a great friend. The one person that I could go to about anything, talk to about anything, the person that provided tremendous wisdom and encouragement. He's gone too. I just feel sick. I feel so very small. I feel as though I've been knocked on my back and I'm staring up at the sky still trying to catch my breath. And all I hear is "Do you trust me?" I want to say yes, but I am full of fear. I don't even know what to write. I don't know what to pray. I just want to lay in His arms.

sigh

It's been a good day. But a rather long day. And I just instinctively pull his old sweatshirt from the drawer and slip it on. There is something comforting about putting it on. It's like there is a part of him there that is wrapping his arms around me. And . . . . . . . . sigh . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Giddy!

Yup, I'm slightly giddy. And I'm not even sure it's going to ever happen, but I'm giddy at the thought of it. All I will say is that a couple years ago there was a ministry that changed me. It opened my eyes to some things and I absolutely loved it and needed it. Because of tough times, this ministry went under, but now I feel like God is calling me to possibly bring a similar ministry to my church. I see the need for it there, but it takes some hard work and money. I'm going to continue praying about all of this and I think that I will contact the couple that headed up this ministry before. I would love it, love it, love it to have this ministry rejuvenated!

It only take one moment

It only takes one moment to realize how incapable I am as a parent. Some days I feel so incredibly overwhelmed. I long to have a partner in raising these kids. I am forever second guessing myself. My son's teacher called today from school. She has "concerns". My son's behavior has changed the past two weeks and he has been acting out in ways that are uncharacteristic of him. Part of me is angry that he would do such things, part of me is exceptionally concerned. I don't know how to handle this. He needs to be punished for his behavior, but something is definitely bothering him. How do I balance showing compassion and getting him to open up to me, and still sending the firm message that this type of behavior will never be tolerated? I feel like someone knocked my legs out from underneath me and I am looking up trying to figure out what just happened. Wow, do I ever need prayer and wisdom from above.

11 hours

Had a great day today. Eleven hours learning and feeling like a woman. Eleven hours being with two Godly men. Makes me wish that I had a Godly man in my life. Good day.

Discretion or mistrust

I can't shake him from my mind. I don't want him to be there. He shouldn't be there. I don't think that there is any one else out there that I am able to be so open with. I can talk to him about anything. I respect him. I honor him. I feel so comfortable with him, for the most part. The only time I don't feel comfortable is when my mind starts to work over time. I wonder, is it okay that we are so open with each other? There are subjects that we don't discuss in detail, but for the most part, we have, at the minimum touched, on every subject. I have so much respect for him and I know he thinks highly of me. He tells me what "a fine woman" I am. He genuinely cares. He helped me put his coat on today (I was freezing), and all I could think was that I just wanted to sink into his arms. That frustrates me so. I just want a hug, but I fear that that little act could be bad. I just adore his friendship. I don't want to screw that up. So why did that thought pop in my head and why can't I shake it? I know that there is this part of me that is very vulnerable. I have been single now for four and a half years, and I do miss have a man in my life. Part of what I love about this friendship is just that. I have a man that I can talk to and be open with on a regular basis. I feel so blessed to have this special man in my life. He has encouraged me, challenged me, cared for me, protected me, guided me, taught me and has made me laugh like no other. I wish I could just sit and talk with him for hours on end. I would learn so much and I so enjoy my time with him. So why do I fear this relationship? Why am I bothered from time to time? Why are there red flags that briefly pop into my head? Okay, I started this blog so that I could be completely open and honest. I know why there are red flags. He's a married man. I know his wife and adore her, and I honestly don't think that we have by any means crossed any lines, but where is that line? He talks to his wife about our conversations from time to time, but should a married man and I be so open with each other? He is the kind of man that speaks what is on his mind and he can be honest when most people would at best shy away. That is just his personality. His friendship has been such a blessing, but I wonder how it would look to some people. It doesn't seem to bother his wife at all, so should I not be concerned about it? If she is okay with this, then why should I be bothered? The only other man that I have ever had this close of a relationship with (besides those I was in a romantic relationship with), ended up being the man that assaulted me. Does that somehow play into my fears? Do I fear that unless the relationship is romantic, I can't have such a great friendship? Or is it wisdom that is warning me that this could lead somewhere that it shouldn't? There are a few people, besides his wife, that have an understanding about the openness we share in our friendship and none of them have even once expressed any concern. So what am I to think? Wisdom and discretion stepping in to warn me? Or my same old mistrust of men issues? How is a girl to know? All I know is that our conversation today was interrupted, and I am really looking forward to finishing it.

i wish i could tell him. just lay it all on the line. let him see every little flaw. be open with every thought, fear, emotion, hope, desire, temptation, all of it. i can't do it. not with him or anyone for that matter. you are that open with your spouse, not friends. i wish i had that person. he is the closest thing i have to that openness. yet, i can't confide all of that in him. it makes me miss my Ben. i've missed him a lot lately. i loved that man with all that was within me. and oh, how he loved me. my daughter told me recently that she wanted me to get married (that's nothing new, she is always saying that). but this time, she told me that she wanted me to marry Ben. it has been about 2 years since his name has even been mentioned in our home, yet, she still remembers him and adores him. part of me still adores him. it would never work if we got back together. at least i don't think it would. but, wow, i miss him at times. he is a good, good man. i wish that we could have been friends and that we could just hang out together. i miss his company. since i don't have him, i settle for this other friend that i will always have to keep at arm's length. such is my life.

Trippin' down memory lane

It all started with Bon Jovi at the Grammys. Seeing them perform, thinking of their music, all these memories came rushing back. Good and bad. The ex-boyfriends, the stupid mistakes, the nights out with the girls, being carefree, the poetry, the beach, the hurt. It all came rushing back. It started with Bon Jovi, which led to GunsNRoses. Oh, how I adored Axl. When I met my ex-husband, he reminded me of Axl. I totally fell for the bad boy that I believed I could make want to be good. We can see how well that worked. Watching those videos again, it brings back the feelings of wanting to soar off a cliff and just pray that I don't come crashing down. I did, however, always seem to crash and burn. And then the poetry would come streaming forth with the tears. I don't miss those days. There are days though, that I wish I could take the day off. Not have to worry about the kids, the finances, the house, my work, everything that is always on my mind. I sure wouldn't mind taking that trip to Amish country for the weekend. But that takes money. Money that we don't have. So, I dream. I dream and trip down memory lane.

Memories again

I'm sitting here with everything to do and doing none of it. There is one thought in my mind in the midst of a thousand thoughts swirling around. The tears have dried to my cheeks and I am asking myself, "Why do I seek this out? What demented part of me wants to relive this?" Tonight again, I made a point to watch a movie, on Lifetime of course, about a girl that is raped. I see the pain in her eyes and I watch her struggle to come to terms with what all has happened. I see her flash back to her life before the attack and how she is envious of that carefree girl that is gone. I watch and as the tears trickle down my cheeks, I feel weighted to the floor. I don't feel like I can move. I know that I have so many things to do, but my mind simply can't think of any thing else. I tried again tonight. I went on the RAINN website, again. I don't know why. I feel guilty. This happened so long ago and there are girls each day that are being attacked. How can I put myself in the same category. I almost did it. I almost "spoke" to a counselor via their hotline. I don't really know what good it would do, but each time I see a movie such as this, or I hear about a woman being attacked, I want to reach out. I want to talk to someone and tell them the whole story. I want them to listen and then to somehow just know what to say. To tell me how the heck I heal from this. To tell me that one day, this will all seem so far away. That someday I will be able to detach myself from the memories. Yet, I doubt that will ever happen. I realize that this did happen. That it will always be a part of my life. I can't make it go away. Ever. It is with me to stay. Oh, I grow so weary. My eyes burn and I just want to crawl in bed and shut out the world. Why do I watch such movies? I saw a commercial for this movie like a week ago and right then I knew that I was going to watch it. Why? Why do I do this to myself. Why can't I just shut the door on the whole thing and go back to pretending that it never happened. Instead, I put myself right back at that place. A decade ago, on that little beach with the stars up above and not a soul around. How far away my dorm seemed that night. How unaware I was of anyone else around while I tried to get back to my room. You know, of all the details I remember, I can't remember what I did when I got back that night. Were my roommates in our room? Did I look distressed at all? Did I just go to bed? I honestly can't remember anything until the next day at graduation. Right before I passed out. That whole section is just gone from my memory. How crazy is that? I just don't know. I should just go to bed and finish all this work in the morning. I'm in no shape to be thinking about the legalities of a lease agreement right now.

heart and soul

I was created to be a wife. I just feel it. I long for a husband. I long for strong, spiritual leadership. I long to be able to just be a woman. To not be forced to work in a man's world. To not have to be the strong one all the time. To be able to look to someone else for help with direction and decisions. To have someone to lean on. I take joy in such little things that most would not notice. Having a man pray for our lunch. A man that confronted me about something he saw in my life that I was oblivious to. Just having a man to talk to and listen to and learn from. To have a man in my life that, despite his imperfections, I can respect him and value his opinions. I just want a husband. Sorry, but it's true. Actually, no I'm not sorry. It is in my heart and soul to be a wife.

temptation and confession

My old temptation came out of no where again today. Having a great day and BAM. Ugh. I fought with all that is within me, but I wonder, why today. I have done so well with walking away from it all and then today it all came flooding back. It was like I was the same place I had been several months ago. Even now as I write this, thoughts are swirling in my mind. . . what if, just for a moment, I went down this road again? Would it really be that bad? Just a taste, a hint, a touch of this particular temptation. So frustrating. I have done so very well walking away from it all and now it's back and I feel like I can't shake it. It is just staring me in the face. No one knows of this particular temptation. I have kept it very well hidden. Maybe that is part of the problem. Maybe I should talk to someone. Yeah, that's not going to happen though. I'm not up for the "classification" that would come with confessing something like this. At times like this, I almost wish that I was Catholic so that I could go to a priest and confess.

It's official. I have lost my joy. Wednesday night prayer meetings have always been such a joy for me, but tonight it was different. I am worried and I can't shake it. I am doubting God. I have to move next year, which originally I was planning on doing anyway, but I found out yesterday that although the local school does provide all day Kindergarten, it is tuition based. I was counting on not having to pay tuition or childcare next year. And get this, the tuition is higher than what I am paying for my daughter's preschool this year! I am not doubting that God will provide a place to live, I am just thinking that it will be a tiny two bedroom apartment far away from work and church. Or worse, in the city. My aunt is trying to get me to buy this rediculously cheap mobile home just because it is so cheap. It is a two bedroom that needs work and it's in the junky park where it is just these homes parked on concrete. No grass, no area for the kids to play, about 3o minutes from church and 40 minutes from work, but she's convinced that I should take it. It's what I can afford after all. That right there is my fear. That that is what I will be stuck with. God says that He will provide our needs, not our wants. That trailer would provide shelter for us, that is a need. Yet it is nothing that I would ever want. There was this house that my boss was considering buying and renting out to me that I was in love with. A three bedroom ranch, two car attached garage, a full finished basement, 4 acres of land (surrounded by farm land that my boss would also buy and farm), literally 2 minutes from church and about 5 minutes from work. I fell in love with it! Now it looks like it is falling through. Even if it didn't fall through, I couldn't afford to rent it with this added tuition expense next year. Yes, my joy is gone. Doubt has taken over. I feel selfish and petty and oh so distant from Him right now. For the first time in a very long time, I am not content. This feels so strange and just ucky. :(

Days like this

I am definitely having one of those days. One of those days that I would love to have a husband. A man to support me, encourage me, love me and provide me with added strength. A man to bring joy into my life. A man to be a shield of protection for me and for my children. It's just one of those days. I understand that God is the husband to the husbandless and father to the fatherless, and He has proven Himself to be just that time and time again. But on days like today, I feel the need for a man of flesh, bone and muscle to be here. To feel his arms around me and to know that no matter what, we are in this together. I hate days like this. I hate feeling so weak and powerless. I hate longing for something that I don't have and very well may never have. "I need you Jesus, to come to my rescue. Where else can I go?" How do I get through days like this?

Protection

I will not throw up. I am trying to trust. I am trying to rest in His arms, but on days like today, it seems very difficult. I do all that I can to protect my children but unfortunately I have to let them go where they are not as protected. It is then that I have to trust Him. This makes no sense I know. Last night I found out that my former step-son and his family have moved back to the area. I loved this boy as my own. He was however molested by a member of my ex-husband's family. His mother never dealt with it (and neither did the family of the molester and the main reason I try to distance my children from that family as much as possible). On top of his molestation, he has been exposed to pornography on a regular basis since he was a young child. It doesn't take a genius to realize that it is very likely that he will repeat the actions taken on him. Now that he has moved back to the area, my ex-husband wants to have my children and my former step-son together for joint visitations. I have no legal ground to stand on. My ex-husband is not exactly an involved parent, even when he has the kids there. They are typically fed McDonald's and pizza and left to play video games and watch TV. It would be very easy for something to happen to one of my children. I know he thinks that I'm paranoid, but I don't think I am being so. If my step-son had received counseling and lived in a healthy family environment, I would not be near as concerned. I just want my ex to realize that the possibility is there. I think he views his son as just an innocent little boy still, but he is going to be 13 in a couple of months (the age that the molester was) and since he has not been given the tools to deal with this trauma, it is very likely that he will act out what he has been exposed to. Ugh, I feel so nauseous. I literally woke up this morning wanting to puke. I scheduled a "friendly" dinner for Friday night to meet with my ex and his fiance' where I am going to try and address my concerns. I don't know how it will be received. I want my tone to be positive but I want the seriousness of the situation to be understood. Oh, and I don't want to throw up, which I still feel like doing. Father help me.

three days

3 days. for three days i have been fighting you. you made it very clear what you wanted me to do, but i have fought. and now this is the third night that i have not slept. i know that i'm fighting and that i'm going against your Word, but i just don't feel ready to take it on. plus, i don't even know how to ask you for forgiveness. i don't know where to start. i feel so weak. i feel so useless. i don't like this at all, but i don't want to travel this road you have put before me. so what do i do? do i just continue to fight you and be miserable? or do i finally sacrifice my pride and my hurt and start this journey. i don't feel strong enough. and i don't want to let go of my anger yet. but i don't like who i am right now. i don't like not being in fellowship with you. so where do i begin? can i really just ask for forgiveness and you will simply forgive? don't i need to feel more "broken" over all of this? i'm tired. physically, emotionally, spiritually. i'm just tired. your faithfulness is new every morning right? so can i wait till morning? or is that just proving the point that i'm still not surrendering to you? i don't know. i just know it's been a long three days.

J the megaphone

Feeling better today. Just drained. My meeting with my pastor went well and I was also able to talk to my "consequences" friend (J). He is such a good man. He has this amazing heart, but sometimes it doesn't always come through. He understood more than I gave him credit for, but he also saw some areas in my life that I needed to work on. He asked if I was praying that my ex and I reconcile. I told him a resounding "NO!" He gently started talking to me about how that is Biblical. I knew that I needed to pray for his salvation, but to reconcile? Even if he got saved and became this amazing godly man, I still want nothing to do with my ex! J (in his gently honest way) talked to me about having a Christ-like attitude towards my ex and that I need to believe that God is capable of saving him. It's still a bit much to take, but I know that he is right. The funny thing is, I don't know that I would have listened to anyone else tell me this kind of thing. It is very hard to hear, but I have come to love that about J. He will say what is not always easy because he genuinely cares. Ugh, still don't like hearing it. Need to pray about all this though. As drained as I feel in dealing with all this, it's good to know that He still holds me in His hand. He also understands the pain that is still resounding in my heart, even after all these years. Funny, I thought I was over all the crap that my ex did and how he hurt me. Leave it to J to point it out to me. I swear, some days it's like he is the Holy Spirit's megaphone when I won't listen any other way. So now that I got the message, I have to decide how I will respond.

Deja' vu

So I finally start to dream and begin thinking about opening up my heart and I hear the news that my ex is engaged . . . again. Ironic? I hate that it bothers me to hear this, but it does. Not because of feelings for my ex but it just doesn't seem right. He is the one that put me through a living hell for five years, and yet he is the one to find love? He gets to be the one that gets married? My kids are going to be in his wedding? Where is the justice in that? He causes all the pain and then reaps all the reward. It just doesn't seem right. Where the heck are his consequences??

Dreams & hope

Some days it is very easy to dream. What if God brought an amazing man into my life? What if I actually did remarry? What if I could stay home and homeschool my kids. What if I had that man, confidant, friend, lover, leader and supporter? How different my life would be. I have finished a study that I was doing with my aunt on divorce and I have ended up coming to a similar position that I held before, which surprised me. I do believe that Biblically, I am free to remarry. Over the past several months, I had pretty much determined that I would never remarry. I came to terms with that and have lived my life as such. Recently however, I am beginning to wonder again. There is not one man around that I think would qualify, but I just wonder if God will still someday bring him into my life. The little bit I have thought about this scares me a little. All of those same heart desires come rushing back. Those things that I long for deep inside my soul. I almost want to start praying again for God to bring me a husband, but I am too fearful to do that. I am fearful for two reasons. One, I don't want to be always thinking about this and to slip back into a mindset that my "single situation" is temporary. And two, I'm scared to pray and allow myself to express these desires to God and then have Him tell me no again. I have done a pretty good job at closing off my heart to the possibility. Dare I open it again? How do I know what God's will is here? I know that if He happens to bring that specific man into my life, then it is pretty obvious, but what do I do until, or if, that day ever comes? Do I allow myself to be open to this again, or do I keep my heart shut down? I could sure go for a Heavenly crystal ball right about now. I love my life. Even the trials. They are changing and molding me day by day. But what if there is more? I just want to know if it is okay to hope again.

All good things must come to an end

He will just never get it, which is okay, but it seems odd. Fortunately he has never had this kind of thing touch his life. Blessed in that way is he, so I don't think he will ever understand. He can be understanding (at much as he is being), but he will never understand. He wasn't there with me as I walked through this pain and I have kept him from seeing this part of my life a bit. My ex is pretty much the underbelly of society. Before I met him, I honestly did not believe that people like him existed. I thought that the stories about such people were simply sensationalized to sell headlines and increase ratings. He exposed to a whole new level of society that I never thought would ever brush up against my world much less saturate my life for a while. So my friend will never see it or understand it, unless God forbid, this touches his life some way.

As far as my pain and his "consequences" comment, that bothers me more. I can't excuse that with simple lack of knowledge. True, I do not talk about the pain and guilt I feel from those decisions on a regular basis, but I thought that he knew me better than that. I had hoped that he would be a bit more understanding and compassionate. I know that he is a bit rough around the edges, but I do have some thick skin when it comes to dealing with other people. I think part of it is that typically I would just brush the person off and put a wall between us. I don't want to do that with him. I want to keep this relationship. However, I have learned that at least in this instance, I will have to keep him at arm's length. That does sadden me a bit, but there is nothing more I can do. I cannot force him to understand and I certainly cannot get him to feel my pain. So much of me wants to try just one more time, but to what avail?

Ironically, this is just yet another "consequence" of my sin. This part of my life has interfered, at best, and destroyed relationships along the way. From both sides of the coin. I am so thankful for a new friend at church that has walked through a similar situation. She is being an amazing encouragement to me. As far as my other friend, I just have to "cut my losses" so to speak. This will be the first of those topics that I cannot discuss with him. It's too bad really, I have enjoyed the openness in this relationship. I guess I knew it had to come to an end.

unclean sanctuary

My sanctuary has been tarnished. I don't know that it will ever be the same. How could he come and force his way into my sacred space? What on earth made her think that this was a good idea? This place of joy and peace and love was shattered the minute I saw his face there. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. Of all the places for the two of them to go, why here. Why drive out of your way and invade that which I hold so closely to my heart. What kind of man does that? What kind of brass balls does it take to show up to your ex-wife's church function with your girlfriend in tow? I want to scream. I want to throw up. This was the one thing in my life that he had not ruined for me. The one thing that he had not touched and now even that is gone. And then, my friend, my confidant, he tells me that "there are consequences to our sin and sometimes they are very painful". Really? That's what you are going to tell me? I wanted to reach across the table and shake him and scream, "Don't you think that I know that? Don't you realize I live with these consequences every single day? Don't you see that this was the ONE area that was not completely permeated with reminders of all the mistakes I have made and how I have forever altered my life and the lives of my children? Really? Do you think that I need yet another place for my guilt to overwhelm me? Do you not get it all?" It hurt so badly. I already felt so raw watching them hold hands and talk and laugh with people that have become like family to me and then the one person I thought would understand gives me that crap?!

I feel so weak and honestly beat down. I am drained from forcing my smile as I watch this serpent slither through my "holy of holies". Some may think that I am over-reacting, but this cut to my heart. The joy I have known in this place and with these people will be changed. I ache.

Yes, my friend, my confidant, we will finish this conversation and I will shake you. You care for me and love me yet you have no idea the pain that pours from my heart this night. You have been so blessed to have this kind of evil touch your life. It's time to wake up and see the devastation that divorce leaves behind. Not just the obvious, but the inner turmoil and the agony that never really goes away. Step out of your world and just get a glimpse of mine. Just for a moment. You will never be the same. And I can guarantee you that you will not be so quick to talk about someone else's consequences to sin.

insomnia

Yep. Insomnia sucks. Just a few months ago I slept like a baby waking up before my alarm ever went off. I felt rested on a regular basis. What changed?

past 2 days

So very tired. It's been a draining couple of days. Things turned out good though. I talked to my brother and found out that it wasn't him that had accessed it. The person who had admitted it and was very remorseful and embarrassed. I'm so grateful that it wasn't my brother, but still, I ache for this other young man. Something I didn't expect from all of this is that this has really made me re-examine my own spiritual walk. God has really been dealing with me about being sincere in my faith and truly surrendering everything to Him. Not easy stuff I must say. Needed though. Very much needed. On a side note, I have realized that God led me to the home we have now just as the need was becoming dire. I have no doubt that He will lead us to our next home as well. I will do my part and scrimp and save (more than I already do) to try to afford something nicer, but God is really going to have to work this one out. No doubts. He is faithful

In His embrace

It's been a while. Today was a bit of a rough day and it's only 4 pm. Okay, maybe a rough afternoon. I woke up this morning at 1:30 am and never managed to get any more sleep. Somehow I never bothered with breakfast for myself and I forgot my lunch. So I go into work and that was actually good. A little overwhelming at first since I was out for three days last week with sick kids and there is a lot to get caught up on, but that wasn't bad. Plus my boss was in a really good mood and I just enjoy his joy. So despite the lack of food and sleep, the day was off to a good start. This afternoon however the first thing hit. I have a friend that is very close to me. Almost like a big brother, well, A LOT like a big brother. In the process of seeing him today, I inadvertently stumbled across some porn on his computer. I felt absolutely ill. Not because I have this delusion of him being perfect (although I respect him greatly), but just the fact that I was brought face to face with his sin. I know that this is a battle that most men fight and fight vigilantly throughout their lives, but it was very different knowing that he had looked at this. I still hold him in high regard and I have not lost respect for him, at all. Sin is sin. I certainly would be humiliated if he knew some of my sins. The thought almost immediately went through my mind that I had to say something to him. Not at the time, I couldn't because there was someone else around. I don't want to say anything to him, but he and I have a relationship where we talk about just about everything. We spent time just this weekend talking about some questions I had regarding a passage of Scripture. My mind was racing and stuck in slow motion at the same time. Why would God allow me of all people to see this? Do I really have to talk to him about this? How on earth do I start such a conversation? What will he do? How will he react? Will the embarrassment of this change our relationship at all? Why did God allow me to see this? Ugh. All at once I felt completely drained of what energy I had. At least I wasn't hungry anymore because my appetite was completely gone. I went ahead and said good bye to him, never letting him know that anything was bothering me. Again, it was not the time or place to say anything to him. With a headache beginning to pound in my head, I tried to unravel all my thoughts I drove quietly home. I get home, throw a load of laundry in and as I start back up my landlord stops me. She hands me a letter stating that by June 15, 2010, I will have to move out. If you have followed this blog at all, you know how much I love it here. Not just for the fact that we are out on a farm, but this couple took me and my kids in and agreed to let me pay them a ridiculously cheap rent so that we could get by and have a safe place to live. It was never meant to be a real long term situation (they are older and not used to having tenants on a long term basis), but it was a God-send. I have fallen in love with the country and I never want to go back to the city. However, speaking in earthly terms, I can not afford anything else but a very small apartment in the not so good section of the city. I am trying not to let this stress me out. I know that God is in control and none of this catches Him by surprise, but it not very easy to see where He is leading. My headache is getting close to a full blown migraine at this point. I need sleep, I need food, I need to rest in His arms with all of this. He will lead me to a safe home for my family. He will direct me as I talk to my brother. I am so weary just thinking about all of this. I have no choice but to rest in His embrace. Give me strength Father. Hold my heart. Hold my brother's heart. Draw us both to You tonight.

Old habits die hard. With a little determination, okay a lot of determination, a lot of prayer and some good old stubborn Syrian blood, this will be defeated. A new day. Tomorrow is a new day.