i wish i could tell him. just lay it all on the line. let him see every little flaw. be open with every thought, fear, emotion, hope, desire, temptation, all of it. i can't do it. not with him or anyone for that matter. you are that open with your spouse, not friends. i wish i had that person. he is the closest thing i have to that openness. yet, i can't confide all of that in him. it makes me miss my Ben. i've missed him a lot lately. i loved that man with all that was within me. and oh, how he loved me. my daughter told me recently that she wanted me to get married (that's nothing new, she is always saying that). but this time, she told me that she wanted me to marry Ben. it has been about 2 years since his name has even been mentioned in our home, yet, she still remembers him and adores him. part of me still adores him. it would never work if we got back together. at least i don't think it would. but, wow, i miss him at times. he is a good, good man. i wish that we could have been friends and that we could just hang out together. i miss his company. since i don't have him, i settle for this other friend that i will always have to keep at arm's length. such is my life.