perfection

It can't get better than this. A warm breeze. The birds singing. The wheat rising and falling with the wind. The soft sounds of country music floating out of the barns. The kids laughing and running. Sitting on the porch swing taking it all in. How could I want anything else?

Content

This past week has been an amazing week. I have fallen into a state of complete contentment. I am not worried what the future holds. I am not bogged down by guilt from the past. I am just here. This day. I am rejoicing in all God is doing for me. I am grateful for this moment, for this peace. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has yet to come. There is nothing I can do for either. As a friend told me yesterday. "You can't change the past. You can't control the future. You can only choose the present." So today I choose the present. This is so pleasant to just rest in His arms. The lake yesterday was so completely calm. I have never seen such a peace over the lake. You could hardly tell where the lake ended and the sky began. I feel that peace in my soul. I wish I would know that this feeling would continue. But just like the unpredictability of the lake, I know that this will change. The wind will blow, the storms will come, the rain will pound. But, today, it is calm. Today I will enjoy the beauty, the peace.

Twitterpated!

The morning started off with another annoying call from the ex. However, the day got so much better. I was able to talk to him in church today. Nothing to deep, just talking. I could just lose myself in his eyes. He honestly makes me feel like a little school girl again. My stomach gets all fluttery and I can't stop grinning. He is such a beautiful man. I'm talking to him and all I can think of is that I want to shout out "I miss you!" Yeah, that would be subtle! Be still my little heart. Be patient and see what God has for you. It's hard not to let my dreams take over. I'm so twitterpated! It is a good thing the Red Wings are on to distract me, even thought their losing so far! :(

UGH!

i want to throw my phone against the wall and smash it into a thousand little pieces just so that he can never call me again!

mistakes made

what am i supposed to think? so his fiance' calls off the wedding and kicks him out and what does he do? he comes here? looking for advice? what did he think, that i would be the one to advise him on how to repair his relationship with her? then he starts in on all the things that he did wrong in our marriage. he actually apologized. he really apologized. after almost 4 years, he finally admitted some of what he did wrong and said he was sorry. that was a shock. but that wasn't even the beginning of it. he wants me to trust him again. to believe that he can be good with the kids. i had to keep from laughing. he goes on to say that we should have open communication (which actually would not be a bad thing) about the kids. then he says that the best way to do that is for us to talk more and DO more things together, LIKE GOING TO A MOVIE TOGETHER! SERIOUSLY? i looked at him like he was crazy. what is he thinking? he wants a "friendship relationship" with me and then in a couple years "who knows". i know!! NO WAY IN HELL!!!! I don't get it. yeah, it was nice to finally get an apology, but like this? one minute he's professing his love for this woman and the next he trying to convince me to go out with him? i'm just way too tired of all this crap. i'm too tired of all his bullshit. if it's not one thing it's another with him. please, walk away leave me and the kids alone, and take your drama producing self elsewhere! compared to being with him, i would GLADLY stay single the rest of my life. that's why i divorced him to begin with! i actually have less stress now as a single mom than i did when i was married to him. how young and naive (read stupid) i was when i married him. this mistake will haunt me the rest of my life. i so need less drama in my life. i need so much less of him in my life. when will that dream come true. the one where he gets a job out in CA and makes a ridiculous amount of money and pays enough in child support for me to just stay home with the kids. works for me! i get to be with the kids and he's on the other side of the country. why don't you ever see a disney movie where this dream comes true??

the vacation that may never come

It's been a while since I wrote anything. I've been so busy and I feel like I'm in a perpetual state of "rush". I never seem to have quite enough time, energy, money, etc to quite catch up. I get close, but then something comes flying at me and I'm just knocked on my ass again. Such is life I suppose. I just long to be able to just turn all the "noise" off and rest. Just me and the kids. We need a vacation so very badly. We have never taken a family vacation just the three of us. In four years, not a single vacation. Sure we've taken a weekend or an overnight a couple times, but never a real vacation. I have a friend that has invited me to come to her place down south and I want to go with everything within me. I just can't figure out the finances. As far as vacations go, it would be ridiculously cheap, but I can't afford cheap! Just to pay for the gas to get there and back plus paying for food and the travel done while we are down there. But, it's a vacation and I want to go. I want to take a road trip with my kids and and play in the ocean and collect sea shells. I want to take an obscene amount of pictures. I just want to go. Well, if God decides to drop a few hundred dollars in my lap, then I guess we could do it. Otherwise, I just don't see it as possible. We so need the break though. We found out that my son's health problems are all just stress related. How horrible it that that I have a 7 year old that is totally stressed out. What am I doing wrong? I love my kids with everything within me and I try so very hard to provide a safe haven for them in our home. But obviously I'm messing up. I just want our little, stressed out family to be able to walk away from everything here and take a break. See some new scenery, have a change of pace, enjoy being together without feeling the constant rush. I want a family vacation, I just don't see it happening, which just burdens me more. Why can't I provide this for my kids? This is nothing extravagant, it's just needed. I really feel that it is needed.

i should have named him samuel

after several pain pills to dull the stabbing pain in my head and the churning of my stomach keeping me from a perfectly good pie, i came to a realization. he's not worth it. i literally was making myself sick tonight with worry and anger. i divorced him for a reason. he is not my concern anymore. my children are. and whether i can rest in it or not, they are in God's hands. He loves them even more than i do (which is hard for me to fathom) and He actually CAN do something about all this. i have to remember 1 Samuel 1: 27-28 "I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD." Hannah begged God to give her a child. she finally has one child and she turns around and offers him up to God for His service. she took him to the temple and left him there. and this was not some sweet little baptist church. Eli's sons had prostitutes at the temple gates. they were the epitome of immoral. and yet she entrusted her only child not to eli, but to God. she trusted God to watch over him and protect him. if God could protect samuel in that environment and actually make him an amazing man of God, how much more can God bless and protect my children if i am only willing to trust Him impeccably. this all makes sense in my head, but heart is hard to follow. i just know that i can't do this on my own and i will make myself crazy trying to.

pissed off

i know that it is not very christian, but i am really back to where i was 3 years ago and wishing he would just disappear/die. the man has not seen his kids for three months besides one 45 minute visit at my house and now, because he wants to prove he's ready for marriage, he wants to take them for a WEEK 13 hours away! I would rather sit in jail for contempt of court than let him take my kids there. that family is completely immoral. that is the family that sweeps sexual abuse under the rug and says "well, boys will be boys". that is the family that thinks nothing of letting a five year old watch a sex scene on tv. that is a family of alcoholics that can't hold a job and is too busy getting drunk to watch their own kids. no, no, no, no!!! i will not let him do this. he can go to hell (he's on his way there anyway). i'm sorry, but right now i hate that man. i honestly want the man to die. i do. yes, it would be hard on the kids to go through the funeral, but overall, they would be less one more evil in the world. UGH! i need to punch something. or bake. yep. i'm baking

I don't understand the timing. I'm not sure if this is even real. Did I read things right or is it just my hopeful imagination? I remember that look though. I had forgotten what a beautiful person he is. Hold on, girl. Just be patient and see where he leads. Today is simply today. I will enjoy the smile on my face and not anticipate anything beyond that.

I need someone. My heart is breaking inside of me and there is no one to lean on. I want to call him. I want him to come rushing over and take me in his arms and hold me until the crying stops. I want him to tell me that it will all be okay and that he will stay with me through it all. I want to hear his voice and feel his arms. I want to just sink into his embrace. I'm so tired of fighting all these battles on my own. I want to let him stand beside me. I want him to hold my hand. I want him to pray with me and for me. I want him to share my pain. I want him to love me again. I want to call him so badly, but i know, i know that it would not be best. even if we were to start a relationship again, this is not how to start it. don't i have to be strong and self-sufficient and content and happy and all "life is great" to start a relationship? if that really is true it sucks because i'm so far from that right now. at times i consider the possibility that i may never remarry and i think, "hey, it's okay. we are doing fine just the three of us. i can do this." but most of the time, i ache. everything within me screams out to love a man. to cherish him, to support him, to respect him, and to be proud of him. to complete the longing in his own heart. today, it was just too much. again, i have been betrayed by a "christian" and i am sick. how can this all be justified? how can people love and follow a man that just bends the rules to suit his conveniences? ugh! i want a drink! i drink all of maybe 6 times a year, but the past week has been shitty and all i want is a drink. i'm so weary. why am i trying to do this on my own when there is a man out there wanting to stand beside me. can't i just ignore the concerns i had before and just go? he's good enough, right? except he's not. despite what i feel about God at the moment, i picked one spouse on my own without any of God's help and we can see how fabulously that worked. if God doesn't direct it, it will never be good enough. so why can't i just say, hey, we will just date and hang out, but not get too serious? but i know that that won't work either. i loved the man once and he loved me. we slept together. alot. and it was amazing. after all the love we shared, there is no casual dating. and quite frankly, if i did start seeing him again, i probably would fall in love with him all over again, even if i tried not to. i can't risk it. i have to wait for God to move. until then, i sit alone tears slipping down my cheeks, waiting. waiting for something that may never come. i'm tired of dreaming. i'm tired of looking at wedding magazines and thinking of what i may want. i'm tired of wishing for ireland. and now on top of it all, i get to help my ex's girlfriend plan her wedding. so i get to see my kids all dressed up as flower girl and ring bearer, but not for me. please, just twist the knife a little harder, i'm still breathing. the pastor doing the ceremony? a pastor that i loved and respected. and now he is marrying my ex, who is not a christian and has been living with this woman basically since he left my bed. seriously. what is the point. i'm so pissed at christians right now. i'm so tired of the constant hypocrisy and bullshit. either you believe it or you don't. suck it up and live it, whatever it is you believe. i'm angry, i'm overwhelmed, i'm lonely, i'm scared, i'm weak, and i just want him. and i can't have him. two years ago the man wanted to marry me. i followed God's direction and broke off the relationship. now look where i am. is God just screwing with me? i don't really believe that, but it sure feels like it right now. those people that say "Jesus bring the rain" are pissing me off too. here, take some of my rain, i'm freaking drowning in all the rain.

Yep. I'm freaking out a bit. I'm so scared that I may have to start seriously praying again.

home

I'm not ready to pray. I know that's it's been a long time, but so much has come crashing down around me. The sexual assault, my son's health, my ex's engagement and my own overwhelming lonliness. So I'm not ready to pray. Instead I go home. Home to the lake. This lake has always held a special place in my heart, and to me, here is home. The chilled breeze, the sound of the waves crashing on the rocks below, the seagulls and the neverending sky. I sit on a rock surrounded by the tranquility of the lake and I try to let it all go. I want to sink beneath the waves and let them wash over my heart cleansing it of the pain there. One single tear. That's all I will allow. And I don't understand that tear. I am supposed to be stronger than this. Why do I feel so weak? I am only human yes, but I am a woman. That means that not only do I handle it all, but I have to look good doing it. And yet here at this moment, I feel very small. I want to stay. I don't want to leave, but I am very aware that time continues on whether I'm ready or not. I must go on with my day. The beautiful plastic facade slipped for a moment, but now, now I leave. Now I go back to facing the world with a smile and matching heels.

yep, he's engaged

it's a good thing i don't keep alcohol in the house. i just found out that my ex-husband is engaged and i want to drink. not that i'm all that upset about him getting married, but i'm concerned about the ramifications it will have for my kids. not going to get into details, but if he gets married, things drastically change and i lose some of my control over his influence on them. so yes, i want to drink. of course it is st. patrick's day, so i have even another reason to drink. ugh. it does bug me a bit that he is getting married. he's the one that can't manage a relationship and that screwed up time and time again. i kept forgiving him and giving him a second chance and he couldn't do it. now he's the one that gets to find love? it's been a beautiful day here today and i'm so grateful. had it been a dreary nasty day, this would have been even harder to take. the man has no idea what love truly is. seriously. i know alot of women complain about their ex-husbands, but really, he had no clue. we went through 3 separations in our five year marriage before the divorce. i tried. i tried everything i could think of (and i have alot of regrets for sacrificing myself to make him temporarily happy). the day before i threw him out for good, he exploded with anger at me because i wouldn't give him the money i had to get our infant daughter diapers. she was out of diapers and his only concern was getting high. yep, he was a gem. it didn't start out that way though. when we met, he seemed like this fairy tale guy. we lived together for a while (remember at this point i wanted God to have nothing to do with my relationships with men since i felt like He had abandoned me in that area), and he portrayed himself as almost perfect. he worked first shift and would get home before i would. i would walk in the door to a perfectly clean house, the laundry done and put away, most of the time candles burning, and dinner on the table. we would fight over doing dishes. not the way couples usually do, but he never wanted to let me do them. the only cleaning he wouldn't do was the bathroom. everything else he took care of. he even went to church with me a couple times. when we would sleep at night, we used to always have our legs touching. we didn't have to be all over each other, but we always wanted to have some part of us touching. he was kind and sweet and caring and hard-working and he really seemed to be it. he was the one that pushed to be married. i didn't want to rush, but he was just so anxious. three months after we were married, my son was born. the week he was born, the change happened. it's like he knew he had me trapped. he would be gone to 3 or 4 in the morning and come home drunk or high and then want me to call him in sick for work (like i was his mother). i'll never forget the first phone call i got. the one from his ex that informed me that she had slept with him the night before. and that was just the beginning. i was in so shell-shocked i didn't know what to do. here i have this newborn baby and the man i love is destroying everything i had held hope in. for five more years i put up with the addictions, the cheating, the constant lying. i lost so much of myself during that time. and now, he gets to be the one to get married. he can't handle marriage. here i am and all i have ever wanted was to be a wife and mother (stay-at-home mother), and it is forever out of my reach. in all reality, there are not even any prospects in the horizon, although some of my friends seem so anxious to see me married they will go nuts about any single guy that looks twice at me (which can be rather embarrassing when they are not shy about it). i really don't know if i will ever remarry. i want to, but i won't go through the crap i went through before. if such a "perfect" guy can transform so quickly into such an a-hole, how can i ever trust again? seriously. and now it's not just me, it's my kids. it's not about just having a husband for me, but about having a father for my kids. a father that will talk to them more than one time in two or three months. a father that they can respect and learn from. a father that will teach them God's Word. a father that will love them and treasure them as if they were his own. but alas, i look ahead and i only see more road. i don't see a companion waiting in the wings. oh well. but, he, he gets engaged.

I would live here just for the stars

I have had a good day today and to top it all off, my kids actually went to sleep when they were supposed to! How great is that! It had been a beautiful day today, so I decided to go outside and just walk for a bit. First thing I noticed was how clear the sky was. I have always been so drawn to the stars. It's either the poet in me or the hippie in me, but a starlit night can literally take my breath. As I looked towards the Heavens, one emotion poured over my soul: peace. In a life of schedules and deadlines and responsibilities and worries, there are few moments of genuine peace. It has honestly been a very long time since I allowed that peace to overtake my mind, body and soul. There is this small hill in the back yard and as I sat on that hill all worries just melted away and like small streams ran down the roll of the land. A chill was in the air, and I shivered slightly, but I wasn't ready to move from that spot. A memory came rushing to my mind. I spent some time living in the midst of the Adirondack Mountains for a couple of years. Where I lived, I was right on a lake. During the winter the lake would freeze over so thick you could drive trucks over it. I remember one night that was freezing cold, a friend and I bundled up and walked out as far as we dared and just laid down on the ice. I have never seen stars like I saw that night. So far away from the lights and sounds of town. I will never forget that moment. It seemed as though I was the only person in the world. Even as my friend and I lay in silence mesmerized by what our eyes saw, I forgot she was even there. That, my friend, is perfect peace. That is a journey of the soul that happens in a moment's time. I guess that is really when it all started, my love affair with the country. Yes, I love the city and all it has to offer, but nothing can compare to the stillness and beauty of the country. Before moving here, I never would have looked at a field of wheat and been taken aback by the simple beauty of it all. I still rush far too much for my own liking, but it is easier to slow down a bit from time to time living out here. I just want to move farther out now. I want to move to a place that even if you tried you could not hear the neighbors. A couple of times over the years I have taken a long weekend and gone to Amish country. Not the tourist Amish country, but the real deal. I love waking in the morning to a rooster crowing and the only other sound you hear is the clip-clop of a horse and buggy going down the road. The air is thick and fresh with joy. Each day truly does start anew. I would trade it all in in a heartbeat. I would give up my Starbucks even to be further away. I honestly do long for a simpler life. A life where I can stay home with my kids and work around the house. I'm not sure where it was along the way where someone told women that being a homemaker was not enough. That to be a real woman you had to have it all, with matching pedicure and manicure. Screw the mani. My nails don't grow worth a crap anyway. Who needs to go to a spa to relax if you have a porch, a swing, a cup of tea and a sunset? I've never been to a spa that can duplicate what God has already provided. The benefit of a spa is that you set an appointment and no one cares if you tell them you can't do something because your going to the spa. And try getting a babysitter so you can just go for a walk. Seriously, it doesn't happen. Maybe I should just be more diligent and force myself to take that time more often. I can say that I am going to the spa: God's spa. Let the beauty of His creation overwhelm my senses. I don't need an aromatherapy candle when I could actually smell the flowers and the rain myself. It sounds so nice, but even as I write this, it seems so very unrealistic. So do I give up on grasping these little moments of peace? Only time will tell. Until that next moment that the world melts away, I continue on. May God catch my beating heart and slow it's pace.

i never would have thought. just a reminder to slow down and relax and let God do His thing.

Two roads diverged

Background: Two years ago I dated a man that I fell madly in love with. He adored my children, he adored me, and he was a good Christian man. He attended my church, he was a little bit older than me (I dig that) and he had been divorced at that time for two years. He treated me like a princess. I met his family (they loved me) and he met mine (my fam was iffy on him). My kids loved him. We talked of marriage. Unfortunately we took a good thing and let sin ruin it. We began to sleep together. That was a big problem in itself, but it was even worse that we were VERY good together. I mean, it was amazing and absolutely addicting! We kept trying to stop and start fresh. We confided in a close Christian couple to hold us accountable even. Nothing seemed to help. The moment we were together, the passion overcame us. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. I then began to be resentful that it kept happening and part of me wanted him (since he was the man and supposedly to be the leader of our household if it came to that) to be the stronger one and work harder to get it to stop. I had been married before to a man that was not a Christian and I grew very tired of being the leader in everything in our household. I took care of the finances, the kids, disciplining the kids, the spiritual direction of the family, the day to day of running the household and even most of the maintenance around the house. Being the "man" of the house for fives years in that marriage, left a very bitter taste in my mouth. I longed to partner with someone and be able to look up to a man as the leader. Then this struggle came along in this great relationship, and the more we sinned the more respect I lost for him. I know that part of this was unfair as it does take "two to tangle" so to say, but I wanted a man that encouraged me to be a better person, woman, mother and most importantly, a better child of God. I ended up breaking off the relationship with many tears on both sides. It was very difficult. I still saw him in church and my heart broke every time I saw him. We tried to be friends, but it was too difficult to keep it at only a friend level. We eventually avoided each other all together for a little over a year. After that we ended up in the same small group Bible study together. It was awkward at first, but then we both relaxed and got to the point where we could make small talk together. Fast forward several months to last December. We were having our Christmas party for our Bible study group and somehow he and I kept gravitating towards each other. We laughed and talked and thoroughly enjoyed each other's company. Through all this, that couple that tried to hold us accountable back in the beginning, became very good friends of mine. At this point, the woman is my best friend. After this Christmas party her husband asked her if something was going on with us again. She told me that we looked like a couple that night. I think that he and I both felt a little weird after that night and we both backed off a bit. Keep in mind that this whole time, anytime my kids, especially my daughter, saw him in church they would run up to him and give him a hug. Last Sunday night there was a concert at our church. We got there early and saved seats and did not come back to them until the concert was about to start. This man was just three seats down from us. My daughter ran to him and sat with him almost the entire night. Since then he keeps coming to mind surrounded by question marks. This morning at church, I sat with my best friend and held her baby while she slept almost the entire service. Since she was still sleeping after service was over, it gave my girlfriend and I an excuse to chat. I told her my thoughts expecting her to encourage me to keep my distance. That was not what I got. She informed me that she had been thinking about him lately. She asked me if I would ever consider him again. I told her that I still had concerns about where he was spiritually, since I had no way of knowing since we did not have any kind of deep discussion in over 2 and a half years. Now her husband is a friend of his as well. They are not super close, but they have alot in common and they hang out together. She told me that her husband had been wanting to check up on him lately and just see where he was really ate in his walk with the Lord. So know, she is going to let me know via her hubby (which he is aware of), if he has grown much the past 2 years. She told me to start praying about the possibility of a relationship with him again. My fears: 1) If we were to start a relationship again, we would know where it was headed. There would not be any casual dating, we both know too much of each other and that we both want to remarry. 2) If we were seeing each other again, how the heck would we keep our hands off each other? It may sound petty, but never had I known such a passionate relationship. I would not trust us alone for anything! 3) What if we started this up again and then I realize that he is not the one God wants for me? I cannot break his heart (or mine) again. It might sound odd, but I feel like before I would even think of a relationship with him again, I would almost have to know that he is the one God wants me to marry. That seems so nuts. I am truly scared about this whole thing. It really shocked me when my girlfriend told me she had been thinking about him. I guess I have to do what she suggest and just pray about this whole thing. I am praying that when my friend's husband talks to him and spends time with him, he will get a very clear picture of where he is spiritually and that it would be made clear to me one way or another. As much as I long to remarry, I am terrified of making another mistake. I don't trust my own judgement at all. No matter who it is, God would have to make it so abundantly, explicitly, you can't miss obvious that this man is the man for me. I have so much more to lose this time around. There's so much more at risk. Again, I know that this blog is pretty much anonymous, but whoever may read this, please be at prayer that this either be made clear that this is a direction I should follow from God, or that the door be shut completely and I get on with my life. Ugh. Some days I really don't like being single.

A Better Day

Today has been a good day. I spent the day with my kids and my nephew and we just had so much fun together. My son is finally feeling alot better and his little body is almost back to 100%!! That is such a relief for me. It can be so very stressful when your little one is ill and you don't know why. I am so thankful for all the doctors that have helped him. The journey to full health isn't over and won't be for probably for a year or so, but we at least have a direction and can help him feel so much better while we fix the underlying problem. I was actually able to sleep last night for the first time in over a week. This whole thing has just reminded me that even though my kids seem perfectly healthy and happy little kids, anything can happen at any moment. All it takes is one seemingly average doctor's appointment and your whole life can come to a screeching halt. I have been more patient with my kids lately and I have just appreciated the little things about them. It is a shame that it took this to make me remember what a special gift it is to have these two blessings in my life. I love them so much, and yet I allow the day to day to distract me from the beauty in their little faces. I am truly so very blessed.

stressed

i have not written in a quite a while and part of the reason is that i have returned to work full-time and the other reason is that i'm stressed because of my son being sick. we have been dealing with something with him for the past two weeks and after two different failed treatments, he may have to be admitted to the hospital. i am trying to be positive and i don't want him to be scared, but i am really scared. they can't even give me a real answer as to why this is all happening. he had surgery once when he was three and had a reaction to the anesthetic. he was still sent home from that hospital, but he continued to decline. within 36 hours of his release from the hospital he had to be taken by ambulance to be admitted back into the hospital and he was there for 3 days. so yes, i'm scared and anxious and not sleeping even though my body is exhausted. i will find out from his doctor tomorrow if he will have to be admitted or if there is still something else we can try. no 7 year old should have to go through this. and i know that this is minor compared to what some other kids go through, but this is still my son. that doesn't make it any easier. if ever i could use the support of a husband it would be now. his biological father doesn't even know about it. he hasn't bothered to even call in over a month. when i do tell him (i will have to if my son is hospitalized), he will somehow find a way for all of this to be my fault. i'm so tired. i don't even want to tell him. i don't want to hear it. he will add so much stress to the situation. ugh. who cares about him anyway. i just want my son to be well again. i want him to be healthy and to be able to eat and to be able to play without pain. i'm too tired for this. i don't want to cry over my son's sleeping little body anymore. i just want this to all go away. i'm turning off the computer and i'm going to go lay down and wait until my alarm goes off.

Gen. 34

Of all the messages to teach on tonight, Genesis 34 was the topic. I was feeling so much better and then I go to church and have to listen to the pastor talk about a rape. Seriously? I'm sitting there in church (this wasn't even my home church it's just a church I visit some Sunday evenings since my own church doesn't have evening service) and I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Of course I had my hair all pulled up to so I couldn't hide it as easily. I'm trying to stay focused and all these images are flashing through my mind. If I was in my own church I would have excused myself. But at this church I am a guest. This church is also much more conservative and I would feel very selfconscience about walking out with tears in my eyes. I won't let this sidetrack me though.

I wish I was more than a quarter Irish!

That's it. If I ever do remarry (and money is no object), I'm honeymooning in Ireland! I love the cliffs and the castles and the sheep and you know that I am totally in love with the accent (thanks to a boyfriend in college!)!

heart's desire

I have made one of those decisions that I know is the right decision, but that doesn't mean that it is necessarily easy. I have given alot of thought lately to the people that I surround myself with on a day to day basis. I have decided that it is time to enclose that circle of friends a little bit tighter and weed out those that have a tendency to bring me down. I even took a look at those friends I have on facebook. It may seem trivial, but alot of those people I do interact with on a fairly daily basis. So I actually deleted some of those friends. The hard part of that is the fact that the one friend I deleted I spent an awful lot of time chatting with. We would talk about everything from just our how our days went that day to our dreams for the future and fears that we might have. We discussed everything. Unfortunately, this guy made it very clear that he wanted more than a friendship. I tried to set things straight with him and he said he understood, but he couldn't stop with the flirting. Then once it was out in the open that he was interested he tried to take the conversation to places it simply should not go. I really enjoyed his friendship, but it became apparent that he not only would always want more from me than I was willing to give, but that he could very easily become a stumbling block for me. So I deleted him. Now, however, I am finding myself missing that friendship. One of the difficulties of being a single parent, is never quite fitting with different groups in general, even more so in the church. The majority of my friends are married with young children. Which is great because I can talk with them about the joys and trials of raising young kids. However, they have husbands that they do all of their social things with and that they rightfully devote a considerable amount of time to. I do have a couple of single friends, but they don't have kids and they go out all the time on weekends with no thought of having to get a sitter. They are much more free with their money since they are only providing for themselves. I have found that among these friends I get fewer and fewer invitations since I do not have the flexibility to be as spontaneous. Anyone that has tried to book a sitter on a Saturday night with less than three weeks notice knows how difficult it can be to be spontaneous. This leaves me stuck between two groups that I never feel totally comfortable in for long periods of time. I do have one very good girlfriend that used to be a single mom but got married 3 years ago. She connects well with me because she still understands some of the difficulties I face since she faced them too, but, she is very jealous of her time with her husband, as she should be. It's hard enough to be a mom of young kids in this world today. It's hard enough being a 30 year old (yes, I'll finally admit I'm not still 29!) single girl. Trust me, I did not miss dating to begin with. But mix those two together and there are days I am keenly aware that this is not the way God intended a family. Not only is it difficult not to have another parent in the house to lean on and to receive support from, but it is a very lonely place to be. When it comes to a husband, there are several things that I long for: a man that would actually be the leader of our home, a man that will encourage me in my spiritual walk, a man to financially provide for our family, a man to unconditionally love me, a man to be my lover, a man to allow me to just be a girl again instead of always playing two roles and having to be superwoman all the time. Above all this, it is on evenings like this that I struggle the most. I just long to have that special man sit with me after the kids are in bed and just be there together. A man that I can talk to about the trivial and those things buried deep in my soul. A man that is my true best friend and companion. I long for that, full well knowing that I may never have that again. I am not so foolish to assume that any man will do.I was married for five years before and all that man did out of that list above was provide financially for our family and managed to be a part-time lover to me as well. I will never walk that path again. I have been on my own for three and a half years now and though I am weary, I know that I will never settle for less than God's best for me and my children, should that day ever come. I know that without God's direction and blessing, all those things I long for will never come to fruition with any man. I know that God has me single right now for a reason, and honestly, I am truly content with that. That does not change the fact that I have this strong heart's desire to one day be a wife again. I loved loving a man. Even with all the pain and heartache that went with it, I loved devoting my life to him and to my children. I loved being a "homemaker" and striving to make our house a true home and safe haven. I was absolutely delirious about being a stay-at-home mom. These desires have not lessened over the years. I love my children, our home and my life. But there is that part of me that wonders if ever this aching in my heart will end. Only God knows and I am content to hold His hand and follow where He leads. So for today, when I feel the need to "talk", I blog instead. I can share my whole heart and bare my soul since only a couple of people even know about this blog, which is good and bad. An annonymous blog doesn't give you much chance of interaction. I think this is my longest blog to date, but this is also a very tender subject for my heart. One day, one day, if only God wills, I may see my heart's desire fulfilled. By the grace of God.

home

I have spent today at home with my two kids and I absolutely love it. I am so content. It may sound so foolish, but I have enjoyed just doing laundry, making lunch, snuggling with the kids and just being home. I know that to most that seems like a total waste of a day or at the very least nothing special at all. But for me, it is a rare treat to have both kids at home and have no where that we have to run off to. I looked out my bedroom window today and this complete peace came over my soul. The gray sky, the light snow coming down and the slight rolls of the land. I love where I live. Again, it must seem like nothing special to most, but when I look out over 10 acres of land I see a place where my children can run. A place where we can go on walks and go hiking in the woods in the back. A place where I feel safe. That is priceless.

The guilt wages on

Here I am again. I've started a new job this week and wouldn't you know it both my kids are having health issues. My daughter has been up half the night with a cough and my son is needing to start a three day process of medication that requires him to stay home. I'm going in to work today but I will be taking tomorrow off to deal with these things. My guilt is eating me alive and it doesn't help that my mom is telling me how much she wants me to start with the treatment with my son today. She doesn't even know about my daughter being sick too. The only job I was ever fired from was 7 years ago when my son was a baby and I was fired because I missed too much work because he was such a sick little baby. So here I am with the battle that all single moms face. What I find ironic is the fact that for the almost two months I was job hunting, my kids where perfectly healthy. They wait until my first week of a new job to get sick. I don't think this guilt will ever go away. It just breaks my heart.

What am I doing??

Success?

I have been reading a book entitled "A Mother's Heart" by Jean Fleming, and what I have read early this morning has spoken to my heart. She talks about what success in life actually means. So many times we see a man or a woman that is well dressed and rushing off to some high-powered job so that he or she can have a "quality" vehicle and house as successful. But is that truly success if one's children/spouse are the ones that are sacrificed in the end? This is a difficult topic for me. As a single mom I have no choice but to work and to put my children in daycare, but that does not ease the guilt. I struggle with how much I pursue a career in hopes of providing for my children a certain "quality" of life versus maintaining a job while making my career one of raising my children. I have realized that I adamantly fight against the the stigmas about children being raised in a single parent home. I want it to seem as though my children want for nothing and that they live a perfectly happy, busy life just like their two-parent counterparts. I don't my kids to be the ones in hand-me-down clothes and people thinking, "Well, she is a single mom. She can only do so much." I hate that. But in the end, what is really more important: that my kids have the newest Children's Place line of clothes and sport the name brand jeans and shoes or that they have a mother that is available to them to raise, nurture and love them. I am a single mom and it is ridiculously difficult at times. I am forced to become two people at the same time. I walk a fine line of spending time working to provide the necessities and spending time actually being a mother. And it's not just working 9-5 and then the kids have me from 5-9 . When I come home from work and I'm tired and only focused on getting the days chores done, my kids still don't have me. I hate to say it, but there are days that my kids don't "have" me at all. I run to the daycares to pick up the kids, run home and start dinner, throw a load of laundry in the washer, sit down and eat as quickly as possible so that I can start dishes, put the laundry in the dryer (and start another load most likely), check my son's homework, bathe my daughter, get my son into the shower, tuck my daughter in, tuck my son in, and then back to the laundry and continue with chores until I collapse in bed. At what point in that time do I actually spend quality time with the kids? But then what do I do? I tried to wait to start the housework until they went to bed, but I didn't get to bed until way too late and became cranky and short with the kids due to the lack of sleep. This is not okay. This is not the way I want my kids to be raised. They have more quality time with their daycare teachers than with their own mother. So at that point, who is raising my children? Can I honestly say that it is me? I ache to just quit my job and focus on my children full-time, but that is obviously not possible. I feel as though I am forever pulled in several different directions. I was actually approached by the Sunday School director at church and asked to work in Sunday School. I was told that I have such talent and knowledge when it comes to young children it would be a pity to waste. Who says I'm wasting it if instead of giving more of my time to someone else, I give that time to my own children. I always say that they are my first priority, but does my day to day life reflect that? If someone watched my life as an old silent film, what would they conclude about what is most important to me? I don't think that they would come to the same conclusion as what I profess. I see no change in the near future and that leaves with a feeling of total hopelessness. That is a terrible way to feel about the future of your own children. I do love them so much, I am just so weary of this constant battle. I long to see a glimmer of hope. To know that I am not ruining their lives. That somehow, someday, I will be able to dedicate more time to them. But alas, today is today, and the cycle begins anew.

Today was the end of the pity party.

"Therefore He is able, once and forever, to save completely everyone who comes to God through Him. He lives forever to plead with God on their behalf." Hebrews 7:25

How powerful is this verse?! Today was the end of the pity party. Today I got my spiritual butt kicked by the message brought in church. I was reminded today of who my Father is and the character that defines Him. I say in my "about me" section that I am fiercely protective of my kids. Imagine how much more so the God of the universe is protective of His one and only Son, Jesus? Our pastor today talked about a couple different passages of Scripture including Heb. 7:25 and also Luck 23:34. In Luke 23 it is talking about the crucifixion of Jesus and the torture and ridicule He endured. Our pastor brought up the point that the Heavenly Father had to sit there and watch His only child go through this. As a mother I cannot comprehend watching someone hurt my son and allowing that to happen. Here is the God of the universe with all power and all strength watching His Son be tortured on the cross. How could He do that? What kind of father would allow that? And then you read Luke 23:34, "Jesus said, 'Father, forgive these people, because they don't know what they are doing.'" In the Greek the word for said actually depicts an ongoing and continuous request. In other words, Jesus, while hanging on the cross, was pleading with His Father to spare them and to not only not destroy these men (and us) but to forgive them (and us)!! How amazing is that? And then you read the verse in Hebrews and realize that still to this day, Jesus is acting as one who intervenes on my behalf. He is standing there in Heaven pleading with the Father to forgive me. And I will dare to be angry? Yes, it was pretty screwed up what happened. But you know what? I did get away before he was actually able to finish. I survived. I made it. Alot worse could have happened. And beyond all that, the God of the universe willingly sacrificed the life of His Son so that I can live and live eternally in Heaven with Him. How dare I?! What was I thinking? What that man did to me was pure evil, but what have I done to Christ? I have no right. Father God, forgive me. Forgive me! Thank You for Your never ending love and grace. Please, never let me forget again the amazing God that You are and how very much You love me. Thank You Father. Thank You.

A man's man

I recently took my son to go see a rodeo. First thing I have to say is that what they say about a man in uniform is also very true of a man in chaps!! Beyond that, I noticed a couple of interesting things. When the show was getting ready to start they took a good fifteen minutes out of the show to talk about our country and to honor those serving in the armed forces. There is such a strong feeling of patriotism when you are surrounded with people immersed in "the country" (which I am very proud to be a part of!). I love the fact that there is a respect for our country, our flag and our men and women in the military. I have felt that way for such a long time and it disgusts me when I see others take our freedom and the sacrifices made so very flippantly. The second thing that I noticed that kind of took me by surprise was the fact that before they began the announcer prayed. He prayed! Here we are in this grand arena with thousands of people and this man is talking about thanking God and then he actually prayed. What affected me the most was that about 2/3 of these rough and tough cowboys got down on one knee and put their hats over their hearts when the announcer began to pray. Now, I am not so naive to not realize that alot of this is show, but at least there is a showing of gratitude towards God. At least it is something that is acknowledged! All of this got me thinking. Here are these men that are billed as "the world's toughest" and yet it is encouraged/expected of them to behave in a certain manner. These men have been taught (and are teaching the little cowboys that look up to them) that above all else, you love your country and you love your God (in that order it seems though). One cowboy in particular had crosses on his chaps and knelt and prayed after each ride. That I respect. I know that there are professional athletes that do that kind of thing too, but it is rare. (on a side note, pro athletes don't usually continuing playing with broken ankles, ribs, fingers, etc. . .). Being a single mom, I have so many concerns about what my little boy is going to admire and strive to become. I am very cautious of who he looks up to and last night, he saw a good example. Now I won't pretend that everything about these cowboys is honorable, but he saw that a "man's man" is also a man that loves his God and honors his country. Two things that I am desperately trying to instill in his young heart. So even if it is a skewed picture, he still gets a glimpse of the kind of man I hope he becomes. So do I want him to be a man's man? In some regards absolutely! I just want him to also not only love his God, I want him to be passionate about Him. I also want him to understand that part of being a man's man in my book is greatly based upon how he treats women, especially "his woman". When all is said and done, the rodeo was an absolute blast and I hope to return each year when it comes to town. I am also learning to embrace my country girl side a little more each day!! ;)

In love!

I just have to say that I am totally and completely in love with my kids!!! My daughter who as her teacher says "dances her little butt off" and whose spunk I have not seen rivaled since my own college days. My son has an absolute heart of gold and is quite a man for only being 7 years old. They are my greatest joy and my greatest blessing. Thank you God for this amazing gift!

Proverbs 19:3

So I finally pick up my Bible again this evening and this is what I read, "People ruin their lives by their own foolishness and then are angry at the Lord." When I first read this, my thought was "Did I do something foolish to cause this attack 11 years ago?" I have thought of this alot because I know when the attack happened, I was in violation of some rules of the college. I used to think that because I put myself in that vulnerable position that it was somehow my fault. I have since realized that that is simply not true. I may have been in a vulnerable position but I was with a man I had known for a year and he, I thought, was a good and trusted friend. He was at fault, not me.
Anyway, getting back to the verse, after I figured all that out in my head the truth of the verse hit me. The verse was not talking about what happened 11 years ago, it was talking about what is happening now. Yes, it hurts and I am in pain, but that does not give me an excuse to attempt to abandon my Father. I don't know why He allowed this to happen and I certainly don't understand it and may never understand it. How can anyone give a reason for the evil in this world. The choices I am making now is what is important. Even if I don't feel like reading my Bible and praying, I must. My Bible has always been my lifeline and my prayer time with the Father has always been my strength. There is no one out there that loves me and cares for me more than my Heavenly Father. His heart also breaks when He sees me hurting. One of my favorite worship songs says: "I have a maker/ He formed my heart/ Before even time began/ My life was in His hands/ I have a maker/ He knows my name/ He sees each tear that falls/ And hears me when I call." Now is not the time for me to try and do this on my own. Now is the time that I cling to the One, the only One, that can actually heal my heart. He alone can walk me through this. He alone can soothe the wounds of my soul. He alone. "Father God, forgive me for being so foolish. Forgive me for taking my rage out on You. Hold me close. Heal my heart. Never let me forget that You are my Abba, my Daddy."

hope

one of these days i truly hope to write happiness in this blog. i started blogging at a really odd time in my life when my whole world had been flipped upside down. i am a very positive bubbly person in all reality. it's just that there are these dark things that i keep hidden far from the light where anyone can see. this blog is the only place i allow those things to be discovered. but i will continue on the journey and work through this whole thing and the darkness will eventually be brought to the light. then there will be hope again. there will be joy. then maybe this blog may begin to reflect more of who i really am, not just my pain. i hope.