i should have named him samuel

after several pain pills to dull the stabbing pain in my head and the churning of my stomach keeping me from a perfectly good pie, i came to a realization. he's not worth it. i literally was making myself sick tonight with worry and anger. i divorced him for a reason. he is not my concern anymore. my children are. and whether i can rest in it or not, they are in God's hands. He loves them even more than i do (which is hard for me to fathom) and He actually CAN do something about all this. i have to remember 1 Samuel 1: 27-28 "I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD." Hannah begged God to give her a child. she finally has one child and she turns around and offers him up to God for His service. she took him to the temple and left him there. and this was not some sweet little baptist church. Eli's sons had prostitutes at the temple gates. they were the epitome of immoral. and yet she entrusted her only child not to eli, but to God. she trusted God to watch over him and protect him. if God could protect samuel in that environment and actually make him an amazing man of God, how much more can God bless and protect my children if i am only willing to trust Him impeccably. this all makes sense in my head, but heart is hard to follow. i just know that i can't do this on my own and i will make myself crazy trying to.

pissed off

i know that it is not very christian, but i am really back to where i was 3 years ago and wishing he would just disappear/die. the man has not seen his kids for three months besides one 45 minute visit at my house and now, because he wants to prove he's ready for marriage, he wants to take them for a WEEK 13 hours away! I would rather sit in jail for contempt of court than let him take my kids there. that family is completely immoral. that is the family that sweeps sexual abuse under the rug and says "well, boys will be boys". that is the family that thinks nothing of letting a five year old watch a sex scene on tv. that is a family of alcoholics that can't hold a job and is too busy getting drunk to watch their own kids. no, no, no, no!!! i will not let him do this. he can go to hell (he's on his way there anyway). i'm sorry, but right now i hate that man. i honestly want the man to die. i do. yes, it would be hard on the kids to go through the funeral, but overall, they would be less one more evil in the world. UGH! i need to punch something. or bake. yep. i'm baking

I don't understand the timing. I'm not sure if this is even real. Did I read things right or is it just my hopeful imagination? I remember that look though. I had forgotten what a beautiful person he is. Hold on, girl. Just be patient and see where he leads. Today is simply today. I will enjoy the smile on my face and not anticipate anything beyond that.

I need someone. My heart is breaking inside of me and there is no one to lean on. I want to call him. I want him to come rushing over and take me in his arms and hold me until the crying stops. I want him to tell me that it will all be okay and that he will stay with me through it all. I want to hear his voice and feel his arms. I want to just sink into his embrace. I'm so tired of fighting all these battles on my own. I want to let him stand beside me. I want him to hold my hand. I want him to pray with me and for me. I want him to share my pain. I want him to love me again. I want to call him so badly, but i know, i know that it would not be best. even if we were to start a relationship again, this is not how to start it. don't i have to be strong and self-sufficient and content and happy and all "life is great" to start a relationship? if that really is true it sucks because i'm so far from that right now. at times i consider the possibility that i may never remarry and i think, "hey, it's okay. we are doing fine just the three of us. i can do this." but most of the time, i ache. everything within me screams out to love a man. to cherish him, to support him, to respect him, and to be proud of him. to complete the longing in his own heart. today, it was just too much. again, i have been betrayed by a "christian" and i am sick. how can this all be justified? how can people love and follow a man that just bends the rules to suit his conveniences? ugh! i want a drink! i drink all of maybe 6 times a year, but the past week has been shitty and all i want is a drink. i'm so weary. why am i trying to do this on my own when there is a man out there wanting to stand beside me. can't i just ignore the concerns i had before and just go? he's good enough, right? except he's not. despite what i feel about God at the moment, i picked one spouse on my own without any of God's help and we can see how fabulously that worked. if God doesn't direct it, it will never be good enough. so why can't i just say, hey, we will just date and hang out, but not get too serious? but i know that that won't work either. i loved the man once and he loved me. we slept together. alot. and it was amazing. after all the love we shared, there is no casual dating. and quite frankly, if i did start seeing him again, i probably would fall in love with him all over again, even if i tried not to. i can't risk it. i have to wait for God to move. until then, i sit alone tears slipping down my cheeks, waiting. waiting for something that may never come. i'm tired of dreaming. i'm tired of looking at wedding magazines and thinking of what i may want. i'm tired of wishing for ireland. and now on top of it all, i get to help my ex's girlfriend plan her wedding. so i get to see my kids all dressed up as flower girl and ring bearer, but not for me. please, just twist the knife a little harder, i'm still breathing. the pastor doing the ceremony? a pastor that i loved and respected. and now he is marrying my ex, who is not a christian and has been living with this woman basically since he left my bed. seriously. what is the point. i'm so pissed at christians right now. i'm so tired of the constant hypocrisy and bullshit. either you believe it or you don't. suck it up and live it, whatever it is you believe. i'm angry, i'm overwhelmed, i'm lonely, i'm scared, i'm weak, and i just want him. and i can't have him. two years ago the man wanted to marry me. i followed God's direction and broke off the relationship. now look where i am. is God just screwing with me? i don't really believe that, but it sure feels like it right now. those people that say "Jesus bring the rain" are pissing me off too. here, take some of my rain, i'm freaking drowning in all the rain.

Yep. I'm freaking out a bit. I'm so scared that I may have to start seriously praying again.

home

I'm not ready to pray. I know that's it's been a long time, but so much has come crashing down around me. The sexual assault, my son's health, my ex's engagement and my own overwhelming lonliness. So I'm not ready to pray. Instead I go home. Home to the lake. This lake has always held a special place in my heart, and to me, here is home. The chilled breeze, the sound of the waves crashing on the rocks below, the seagulls and the neverending sky. I sit on a rock surrounded by the tranquility of the lake and I try to let it all go. I want to sink beneath the waves and let them wash over my heart cleansing it of the pain there. One single tear. That's all I will allow. And I don't understand that tear. I am supposed to be stronger than this. Why do I feel so weak? I am only human yes, but I am a woman. That means that not only do I handle it all, but I have to look good doing it. And yet here at this moment, I feel very small. I want to stay. I don't want to leave, but I am very aware that time continues on whether I'm ready or not. I must go on with my day. The beautiful plastic facade slipped for a moment, but now, now I leave. Now I go back to facing the world with a smile and matching heels.

yep, he's engaged

it's a good thing i don't keep alcohol in the house. i just found out that my ex-husband is engaged and i want to drink. not that i'm all that upset about him getting married, but i'm concerned about the ramifications it will have for my kids. not going to get into details, but if he gets married, things drastically change and i lose some of my control over his influence on them. so yes, i want to drink. of course it is st. patrick's day, so i have even another reason to drink. ugh. it does bug me a bit that he is getting married. he's the one that can't manage a relationship and that screwed up time and time again. i kept forgiving him and giving him a second chance and he couldn't do it. now he's the one that gets to find love? it's been a beautiful day here today and i'm so grateful. had it been a dreary nasty day, this would have been even harder to take. the man has no idea what love truly is. seriously. i know alot of women complain about their ex-husbands, but really, he had no clue. we went through 3 separations in our five year marriage before the divorce. i tried. i tried everything i could think of (and i have alot of regrets for sacrificing myself to make him temporarily happy). the day before i threw him out for good, he exploded with anger at me because i wouldn't give him the money i had to get our infant daughter diapers. she was out of diapers and his only concern was getting high. yep, he was a gem. it didn't start out that way though. when we met, he seemed like this fairy tale guy. we lived together for a while (remember at this point i wanted God to have nothing to do with my relationships with men since i felt like He had abandoned me in that area), and he portrayed himself as almost perfect. he worked first shift and would get home before i would. i would walk in the door to a perfectly clean house, the laundry done and put away, most of the time candles burning, and dinner on the table. we would fight over doing dishes. not the way couples usually do, but he never wanted to let me do them. the only cleaning he wouldn't do was the bathroom. everything else he took care of. he even went to church with me a couple times. when we would sleep at night, we used to always have our legs touching. we didn't have to be all over each other, but we always wanted to have some part of us touching. he was kind and sweet and caring and hard-working and he really seemed to be it. he was the one that pushed to be married. i didn't want to rush, but he was just so anxious. three months after we were married, my son was born. the week he was born, the change happened. it's like he knew he had me trapped. he would be gone to 3 or 4 in the morning and come home drunk or high and then want me to call him in sick for work (like i was his mother). i'll never forget the first phone call i got. the one from his ex that informed me that she had slept with him the night before. and that was just the beginning. i was in so shell-shocked i didn't know what to do. here i have this newborn baby and the man i love is destroying everything i had held hope in. for five more years i put up with the addictions, the cheating, the constant lying. i lost so much of myself during that time. and now, he gets to be the one to get married. he can't handle marriage. here i am and all i have ever wanted was to be a wife and mother (stay-at-home mother), and it is forever out of my reach. in all reality, there are not even any prospects in the horizon, although some of my friends seem so anxious to see me married they will go nuts about any single guy that looks twice at me (which can be rather embarrassing when they are not shy about it). i really don't know if i will ever remarry. i want to, but i won't go through the crap i went through before. if such a "perfect" guy can transform so quickly into such an a-hole, how can i ever trust again? seriously. and now it's not just me, it's my kids. it's not about just having a husband for me, but about having a father for my kids. a father that will talk to them more than one time in two or three months. a father that they can respect and learn from. a father that will teach them God's Word. a father that will love them and treasure them as if they were his own. but alas, i look ahead and i only see more road. i don't see a companion waiting in the wings. oh well. but, he, he gets engaged.

I would live here just for the stars

I have had a good day today and to top it all off, my kids actually went to sleep when they were supposed to! How great is that! It had been a beautiful day today, so I decided to go outside and just walk for a bit. First thing I noticed was how clear the sky was. I have always been so drawn to the stars. It's either the poet in me or the hippie in me, but a starlit night can literally take my breath. As I looked towards the Heavens, one emotion poured over my soul: peace. In a life of schedules and deadlines and responsibilities and worries, there are few moments of genuine peace. It has honestly been a very long time since I allowed that peace to overtake my mind, body and soul. There is this small hill in the back yard and as I sat on that hill all worries just melted away and like small streams ran down the roll of the land. A chill was in the air, and I shivered slightly, but I wasn't ready to move from that spot. A memory came rushing to my mind. I spent some time living in the midst of the Adirondack Mountains for a couple of years. Where I lived, I was right on a lake. During the winter the lake would freeze over so thick you could drive trucks over it. I remember one night that was freezing cold, a friend and I bundled up and walked out as far as we dared and just laid down on the ice. I have never seen stars like I saw that night. So far away from the lights and sounds of town. I will never forget that moment. It seemed as though I was the only person in the world. Even as my friend and I lay in silence mesmerized by what our eyes saw, I forgot she was even there. That, my friend, is perfect peace. That is a journey of the soul that happens in a moment's time. I guess that is really when it all started, my love affair with the country. Yes, I love the city and all it has to offer, but nothing can compare to the stillness and beauty of the country. Before moving here, I never would have looked at a field of wheat and been taken aback by the simple beauty of it all. I still rush far too much for my own liking, but it is easier to slow down a bit from time to time living out here. I just want to move farther out now. I want to move to a place that even if you tried you could not hear the neighbors. A couple of times over the years I have taken a long weekend and gone to Amish country. Not the tourist Amish country, but the real deal. I love waking in the morning to a rooster crowing and the only other sound you hear is the clip-clop of a horse and buggy going down the road. The air is thick and fresh with joy. Each day truly does start anew. I would trade it all in in a heartbeat. I would give up my Starbucks even to be further away. I honestly do long for a simpler life. A life where I can stay home with my kids and work around the house. I'm not sure where it was along the way where someone told women that being a homemaker was not enough. That to be a real woman you had to have it all, with matching pedicure and manicure. Screw the mani. My nails don't grow worth a crap anyway. Who needs to go to a spa to relax if you have a porch, a swing, a cup of tea and a sunset? I've never been to a spa that can duplicate what God has already provided. The benefit of a spa is that you set an appointment and no one cares if you tell them you can't do something because your going to the spa. And try getting a babysitter so you can just go for a walk. Seriously, it doesn't happen. Maybe I should just be more diligent and force myself to take that time more often. I can say that I am going to the spa: God's spa. Let the beauty of His creation overwhelm my senses. I don't need an aromatherapy candle when I could actually smell the flowers and the rain myself. It sounds so nice, but even as I write this, it seems so very unrealistic. So do I give up on grasping these little moments of peace? Only time will tell. Until that next moment that the world melts away, I continue on. May God catch my beating heart and slow it's pace.

i never would have thought. just a reminder to slow down and relax and let God do His thing.

Two roads diverged

Background: Two years ago I dated a man that I fell madly in love with. He adored my children, he adored me, and he was a good Christian man. He attended my church, he was a little bit older than me (I dig that) and he had been divorced at that time for two years. He treated me like a princess. I met his family (they loved me) and he met mine (my fam was iffy on him). My kids loved him. We talked of marriage. Unfortunately we took a good thing and let sin ruin it. We began to sleep together. That was a big problem in itself, but it was even worse that we were VERY good together. I mean, it was amazing and absolutely addicting! We kept trying to stop and start fresh. We confided in a close Christian couple to hold us accountable even. Nothing seemed to help. The moment we were together, the passion overcame us. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. I then began to be resentful that it kept happening and part of me wanted him (since he was the man and supposedly to be the leader of our household if it came to that) to be the stronger one and work harder to get it to stop. I had been married before to a man that was not a Christian and I grew very tired of being the leader in everything in our household. I took care of the finances, the kids, disciplining the kids, the spiritual direction of the family, the day to day of running the household and even most of the maintenance around the house. Being the "man" of the house for fives years in that marriage, left a very bitter taste in my mouth. I longed to partner with someone and be able to look up to a man as the leader. Then this struggle came along in this great relationship, and the more we sinned the more respect I lost for him. I know that part of this was unfair as it does take "two to tangle" so to say, but I wanted a man that encouraged me to be a better person, woman, mother and most importantly, a better child of God. I ended up breaking off the relationship with many tears on both sides. It was very difficult. I still saw him in church and my heart broke every time I saw him. We tried to be friends, but it was too difficult to keep it at only a friend level. We eventually avoided each other all together for a little over a year. After that we ended up in the same small group Bible study together. It was awkward at first, but then we both relaxed and got to the point where we could make small talk together. Fast forward several months to last December. We were having our Christmas party for our Bible study group and somehow he and I kept gravitating towards each other. We laughed and talked and thoroughly enjoyed each other's company. Through all this, that couple that tried to hold us accountable back in the beginning, became very good friends of mine. At this point, the woman is my best friend. After this Christmas party her husband asked her if something was going on with us again. She told me that we looked like a couple that night. I think that he and I both felt a little weird after that night and we both backed off a bit. Keep in mind that this whole time, anytime my kids, especially my daughter, saw him in church they would run up to him and give him a hug. Last Sunday night there was a concert at our church. We got there early and saved seats and did not come back to them until the concert was about to start. This man was just three seats down from us. My daughter ran to him and sat with him almost the entire night. Since then he keeps coming to mind surrounded by question marks. This morning at church, I sat with my best friend and held her baby while she slept almost the entire service. Since she was still sleeping after service was over, it gave my girlfriend and I an excuse to chat. I told her my thoughts expecting her to encourage me to keep my distance. That was not what I got. She informed me that she had been thinking about him lately. She asked me if I would ever consider him again. I told her that I still had concerns about where he was spiritually, since I had no way of knowing since we did not have any kind of deep discussion in over 2 and a half years. Now her husband is a friend of his as well. They are not super close, but they have alot in common and they hang out together. She told me that her husband had been wanting to check up on him lately and just see where he was really ate in his walk with the Lord. So know, she is going to let me know via her hubby (which he is aware of), if he has grown much the past 2 years. She told me to start praying about the possibility of a relationship with him again. My fears: 1) If we were to start a relationship again, we would know where it was headed. There would not be any casual dating, we both know too much of each other and that we both want to remarry. 2) If we were seeing each other again, how the heck would we keep our hands off each other? It may sound petty, but never had I known such a passionate relationship. I would not trust us alone for anything! 3) What if we started this up again and then I realize that he is not the one God wants for me? I cannot break his heart (or mine) again. It might sound odd, but I feel like before I would even think of a relationship with him again, I would almost have to know that he is the one God wants me to marry. That seems so nuts. I am truly scared about this whole thing. It really shocked me when my girlfriend told me she had been thinking about him. I guess I have to do what she suggest and just pray about this whole thing. I am praying that when my friend's husband talks to him and spends time with him, he will get a very clear picture of where he is spiritually and that it would be made clear to me one way or another. As much as I long to remarry, I am terrified of making another mistake. I don't trust my own judgement at all. No matter who it is, God would have to make it so abundantly, explicitly, you can't miss obvious that this man is the man for me. I have so much more to lose this time around. There's so much more at risk. Again, I know that this blog is pretty much anonymous, but whoever may read this, please be at prayer that this either be made clear that this is a direction I should follow from God, or that the door be shut completely and I get on with my life. Ugh. Some days I really don't like being single.

A Better Day

Today has been a good day. I spent the day with my kids and my nephew and we just had so much fun together. My son is finally feeling alot better and his little body is almost back to 100%!! That is such a relief for me. It can be so very stressful when your little one is ill and you don't know why. I am so thankful for all the doctors that have helped him. The journey to full health isn't over and won't be for probably for a year or so, but we at least have a direction and can help him feel so much better while we fix the underlying problem. I was actually able to sleep last night for the first time in over a week. This whole thing has just reminded me that even though my kids seem perfectly healthy and happy little kids, anything can happen at any moment. All it takes is one seemingly average doctor's appointment and your whole life can come to a screeching halt. I have been more patient with my kids lately and I have just appreciated the little things about them. It is a shame that it took this to make me remember what a special gift it is to have these two blessings in my life. I love them so much, and yet I allow the day to day to distract me from the beauty in their little faces. I am truly so very blessed.

stressed

i have not written in a quite a while and part of the reason is that i have returned to work full-time and the other reason is that i'm stressed because of my son being sick. we have been dealing with something with him for the past two weeks and after two different failed treatments, he may have to be admitted to the hospital. i am trying to be positive and i don't want him to be scared, but i am really scared. they can't even give me a real answer as to why this is all happening. he had surgery once when he was three and had a reaction to the anesthetic. he was still sent home from that hospital, but he continued to decline. within 36 hours of his release from the hospital he had to be taken by ambulance to be admitted back into the hospital and he was there for 3 days. so yes, i'm scared and anxious and not sleeping even though my body is exhausted. i will find out from his doctor tomorrow if he will have to be admitted or if there is still something else we can try. no 7 year old should have to go through this. and i know that this is minor compared to what some other kids go through, but this is still my son. that doesn't make it any easier. if ever i could use the support of a husband it would be now. his biological father doesn't even know about it. he hasn't bothered to even call in over a month. when i do tell him (i will have to if my son is hospitalized), he will somehow find a way for all of this to be my fault. i'm so tired. i don't even want to tell him. i don't want to hear it. he will add so much stress to the situation. ugh. who cares about him anyway. i just want my son to be well again. i want him to be healthy and to be able to eat and to be able to play without pain. i'm too tired for this. i don't want to cry over my son's sleeping little body anymore. i just want this to all go away. i'm turning off the computer and i'm going to go lay down and wait until my alarm goes off.

Gen. 34

Of all the messages to teach on tonight, Genesis 34 was the topic. I was feeling so much better and then I go to church and have to listen to the pastor talk about a rape. Seriously? I'm sitting there in church (this wasn't even my home church it's just a church I visit some Sunday evenings since my own church doesn't have evening service) and I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Of course I had my hair all pulled up to so I couldn't hide it as easily. I'm trying to stay focused and all these images are flashing through my mind. If I was in my own church I would have excused myself. But at this church I am a guest. This church is also much more conservative and I would feel very selfconscience about walking out with tears in my eyes. I won't let this sidetrack me though.