:-)

Yup, I got a date for next Friday night. Heehee! I'm trying not to revert to being a giggling little high school girl, but it's quite tempting right now! Heehee!!! :-)

Dearest Dan II

Dearest Dan,
There is so much on my heart tonight. I want to sit and talk with you and pour out all that is in me. Since I can't do that, I am left again writing a letter you will never see.
I want so much. I want to, no long to, be loved by you. I simply ache to be a wife again. I also want not only the support of our friends and family, bur for them to be excited for us. I want a clear, perfect peace from our Heavenly Father that He is the One bringing us together and that this was His plan long ago. I want to know all about you; what kind of husband you will be; what kind of father you will be to my children; and simply what kind of man you are when no one is wathcing. I want to know about your quiet time, your prayer life, your personal walk with the Lord. I want to know your strengths and be able to support you in how you use them for the Lord. I want to know your weaknesses and be a true "helpmate" to you and balance you out and encourage you. Above all else, I want to know if this is of God.
I have doubts. I have fears. I cannot trust my own heart. My heart would lead me straight into your arms without even a glance back. I hate that I have to hold myself back. I know I must be cautious and wise, but part of me wants to blissfully trust that somehow you have all the answers and I can simply follow suit.
I hate that my eyes burn from the tears I shed tonight over the pain in my life. I don't want to expose you to that. I hate that part of me feels that I will always be haunted by my past that there will always be someone there to hold up a rearview mirror and force me to relive all of that again. I fear that because of my past sin I, and any man I marry, will never be able to receive a full blessing from the Lord.
I hate that I turned you away tonight when all I wanted to do was sink into your arms. I love that after such a rough day, my brief conversation with you acts a salve to raw emotions. I love the look that I see in your eyes from time to time and I want to know that I can accept all that I see there. I want to love you. I want to follow you. Oh, Dan, if this continues, you will learn how I ache with all that is in me to be led by a godly man. To have a man that I can respect, trust and gratefully submit to. I am so weary of being the leader in my home and I relish the day I can relinquish that role.
Are you that man? Are you the man God has chosen to step into this family and be an example of God the Father inour lives? Do you realize all the pain I bring draggin behind me? Do you recognize the many hurdles we must cross? Are you the man to lead me?
Dearest Dan, I don't know what the future holds. I only pray that our all-knowing and wise God will illuminate each step we take. Before I can take your hand, my Father must give me to you. So I continue to wait. I wait for an unwavering peace and clear direction. I wait for love.

In waiting,

T.R.

Dear Dan

Dearest Dan,

Although I am sure you will probably never see the words I write here, I feel as though I need to express all that is on my heart.

I don't know you. Not well anyway. However, from what I do know of you, my heart is filled with joy. You are a kind, gentle, patient, hard working and godly man. You are highly respected and trusted by our church family.

I have no idea what the future holds for either of us. If our future is together, I feel honoered to have such a man by my side. Honestly, I am honored just that you have begun to express an interest in me. Although this is not necessarily what I have pictured, God seems to be answering my prayers. I am so excited to see where God leads us. If I allow myself to dream, I dream of finally knowing the love of my life. I dream of standing by your side, hand in hand, walking into our future, whatever that may hold. I dream of honoring, respecting, loving supporting, cherishing, submitting to and learning from you. I dream of growing old with you and watching as our family grows and matures. I dream of you and me becoming us.

Dan, I have poured out my heart to our Heavenly Father. The excitement, the joy, the concerns, the fears and the dreams I have have been laid at His feet. I pray daily that God lead and direct me. I now pray also for you. That God illumate your way that you may clearly see each step you need to take. I pray that God uses you to lead me in the direction He would have me to go. I pray that God grant you wisdom as we (hopefully) start down this path together. Above all I pray that God continue to teach you and mold you to be more like Him. And, Dan, as I wait, I pray that my God and King will guard my heart as only He can do. So much of me wants to run ahead and embrace a life with you without being patient and learning what all God has to teach us.

My sweet, dear Dan, whatever the future holds, I look forward in joyful anticipation for the journey God has laid out before us. I pray that above all, God may use me as an instrument in your life to spur you on to be more like Him. I pray that I would never be a hinderance to your spiritual walk and that someday we will look back with joy and amazement at what all God has done. Till that day, I will wait with a gleam in my eye, ready to follow wherever He may lead.

With Joyful Anticipation,

I simply can't believe it!

This might really be it! I have spent so much time in prayer about this and about him and I kept asking God to make it clear to me what direction He wanted this to go. Yesterday, I was again pouring out my heart to Him and I asked Him to please guide me. I asked Him to either slam the door shut, or open it wide open. All day I just kept praying. Then last night we had prayer meeting (he can never come because of work) but right towards the end of church, he was there. I was talking to a friend and asking her for prayer about a personal manner that I needed direction on and he walked past. She looked at me and she said,"It's about him, isn't it?" I looked at her just as stunned as could be and asked her how she could know that. She said that when our eyes met there was just this looked exchanged between us. She could just tell. Later he made a point to come up and talk to me and he knew that I was looking for corn stalks to decorate the porch. He had found some that I could use and offered to cut them from the field for me. I thanked him and asked him when I could get them from him and he said, "No, I'll come drop them off at your house." Heehee! Sooooo . . . now he is coming over this Saturday to drop off these corn stalks. Yeah, I got home from church and I just felt this bubble of joy rising up within me. I really think God is opening that door! I find myself longing to get know him more and honestly, just waiting for the day that he asks me out. I still cannot believe this is happening. I feel like a high school girl all over again. I know that there are still a lot of hurdles that we would have to overcome, but if God is in it, then we can overcome them! I can't wait for Saturday. I'm just so excited to see him, outside of church and such. This has me praying like nothing else. I want God to guard both of our hearts and I certainly need wisdom in all of this. But beyond all else, I am just so excited! I just can't wait to get to know him more. Wow. This is really happening!

Dan

I've decided that I'm just not going to worry about it. I enjoy the friendship I have with him and I'm just not going to assume too much. The person that told me about his "interest" could be mistaken. I just want to focus on getting to know him as a friend. I can always use another godly friend in my life that spurs me on to know Christ more. He is a sweet, sweet man. Kind of a rare man. He is very quiet, enjoys the simple things, is very caring, he works very hard and he loves his family. Basically, he's the kind of friend I would love to have in my life. I will enjoy the friendship and just see where it leads (if any where). Just trusting my Heavenly Father and enjoying a new friend. I do have to say, I get a goofy little grin thinking about him and I do look forward to seeing him. I'm trying not to feel that way though. One day at a time. I certainly don't want to think that there is more there than there is and get sidetracked.

Is he?

I don't know what to think. I have gotten to know this man in my church through some mutual friends and activities. We have talked several times and I truly enjoy our conversations, but didn't think much of it really. I found out today that this man is interested in me, beyond just a friendship. Which, when I think out this guy, he is an amazing man. He is highly respected at church (deacon), very financially wise, kind, generous, loving, hard working, he has a gentle spirit, a pure heart and just a man that is seeking God's own heart. I have heard many stories about him through my "adoptive" dad (he is related to this guy and has know him for many, many years) and he is just an all around amazing man. The problem is he is considerably older than me. Not gold digger old, but definite age gap. I worry about what people would think, and I know I will be told not to worry about what people think, but it's not that easy. Would my family approve, would his family approve, would our church family approve? My "dad" thinks that we would be a great match and he thinks it would be great, except he has concerns about the age gap as well. I don't know what to think. If I didn't consider his age, I would be jumping for joy right now. And I know that age is just a number, but really it is more than that. I don't know how to handle this information. I love talking to this guy and don't want to lose that, but I certainly don't want to lead him on. I feel like now that I've been told about this, I have to make a decision now about if I want to pursue this. Part of me wishes that the person that told me this had just kept their mouth shut. I could just go on being this guy's friend until God led it into something more. I just don't know what do. I respect this guy so much, but I don't know if this is God's will yet. Ugh. I'm all stressed out about this, and the guy hasn't even asked me out. Part of me gets so excited, part me gets worried about perceptions.

changing . . . again

Wow, it's been a while. I've left my "country" job that I love to take a full time position with my other workplace. The transition is going pretty well. I think my co-worker is a little resentful of my promotion. She is very passive agressive always making little remarks hidden as teasing or a light hearted comment. Oh well. The rest of the team has been very supportive.

On a separate note, we are moving again. And again we don't know where yet. I was really hoping to have this settled before school started, but we are running out of time. I am trusting that God has the perfect place for us. It is so encouraging how so many people from church are actively looking for a place for us. I get calls, texts and little messages at church about this place or that place that may be a possibility.

I am ridiculously tired. I am rather weary from all the changes that have been going on lately. Still loving my life and trusting my Lord and Abba.

I haven't written in quite awhile. There is so much going on. First, we moved. Ugh, what a process. But, what an amazing blessing. We are now living in a huge old farm house and I am in love. It is only for the summer, but still, it's pretty amazing. I found out that the place we were going to move into at the end of summer is definitely not going to happen. :-( I'm sure God has it all worked out where we will end up, so I am simply patiently waiting on Him. After all, He certainly out did Himself on our summer house. A big white house, huge porch, gorgeous mature trees, farmland all around and our closest neighbor is almost 3/4 mile down the road. Four bedrooms, formal dining room, living room, sitting room, library (yea, seriously) and it just goes on and on. Yup, it's pretty much amazing.

Beyond the whole housing thing, I got a new job and am back to work one day at week at the job I love. The new job is okay, but it's just beginning so hopefully it will get better. Nothing will ever compare to my "country" job that I love. This job has been like one of those legendary boyfriends, that every man you meet after will be compared to. Nothing will ever compare to this job. Things are getting a little busier, so I'm still holding out hope that eventually I will be able to go back full-time. It is kind of odd to go from three months of pretty much not working, to working 5 days a week again. And of course, just as summer vacation is starting so I will be missing out on another summer with my children. Not that I am not grateful at all. I don't want to come across that way. God has been truly amazing the way He has opened doors for me and provided for me, but in my heart, any job I have, will always be just something that takes my time away from my children. It's harder in the summer when they don't have to be at school, yet I'm not available to do the fun things with them. So working 5 days a week is a huge blessing, with a little bit of a downer too.

Oh, I have so much more I could write about what all God is teaching me and everything going on in my life right now, but I have oodles to do! I will have to try to write more later. Chao!

Here goes nothin'!

I've been thinking about doing something for a while, but I've decided to actually do it. Tomorrow will begin this journey. I'm not exactly sure what to expect, so, here goes nothing!

Melting

So I was told over the weekend that fathers need to hug their daughters at least once a day. That there is this natural need in girls and women to have the embrace from a man. If daughters do not get this at home, they will seek it elsewhere. And that literally brought tears to my eyes. First, because my daughter sure doesn't get that. Thankfully a male friend of my has kind of adopted my children and has made a real effort to reach out to them. That includes taking my son to the "men's activities" at church and hugging and loving on my little girl. I am so thankful for him and I don't know that we will ever know what good he is doing for my precious little ones.

That being said, I felt the tears more so for myself. It seriously sucks not having that touch from a man. I am a physical person, a touchy feely person so to speak. When I am with friends, I will touch their backs or arms or wrap my arms around their waists. That's just the way I am. With my children, I am always snuggling them. Even in church, I have noticed that almost always I am touching one or both of my children throughout the service. It is going on 5 years since my husband left. It has been over 3 since I was in a relationship. I feel it. There are times when all I want is a hug from a man. Just to be wrapped in his arms. To be embraced fully and lay my head even briefly on his chest. I'm afraid I would just melt. I feel like such a little kid. I don't know why I am writing all of this. I have to get used to this. I'm not going to remarry so I will never know the privilege of being held by a man on a regular basis again. Yup. That pretty much sucks. Ehhh . . . I just chalk it up to yet another consequence of the choices I have made.

Open arms?

I wish I could go back in time. I wish that I would have said something. I don't know that it would have done any good, but still, I hate that I kept silent. I feel almost like by my silence I'm saying that it was okay. That it wasn't really wrong. Stupid I know, but that's what is going through my mind. I do feel like I'm past the rage that I had felt. I just feel an overwhelming loss. Like I should be in mourning. Hmmm . . . . I still think about the carefree girl I once was. There was a marked change in me after that. It was like in one night I came face to face with evil and ever since then, I see evil around every corner. I am suspicious of everyone. I don't let it control my life, but I am very aware of my fears. My mind is always thinking of the worst possible things. Most people would never suspect that. I am the girl with a smile always on my face pointing out the "silver lining" to all those around. And that's not a lie, I do look for the silver lining. But at the same time, when it comes to this kind of thing, I trust no one completely. I do let some people in, but I am keenly aware that even the people that I trust, I only trust so much. I wouldn't put anything past them. I don't know that I will ever be able to trust anyone 100% again. Especially men. After trusting and caring for such a great friend and then for him to turn on me like that, I just don't know how you get over that. Oh, well. Not much I can do about it now. Sucks to be me. Or, actually, sucks to be a man in my life. You will never be welcomed with fully open arms.

Now what did he go and do that for? Ugh. Temptation is a bitch.

Pathetic

So I usually do fine with this whole thing, but every once in a while I feel it. I feel the loneliness. Not the I wish my kids had a father, or I would love to have the support a partner brings, but the actual I just wish someone was there to go home to. A person that loved me. A person that I loved and cherished. A man that I could just melt in his arms with no fear. Someone to love. Tonight I felt it. It filled my heart. Looking at a beautiful sunset, I just longed to be able to share it with someone. It doesn't help that I took the kids and met my sister and her kids at a park that was in his neighborhood. It just made me miss him again. This would have been a perfect night to go on a motorcycle ride up to the beach and watch the sunset. I just all around miss him from time to time. I miss seeing his smile and hearing his laugh. I miss the way he would touch me and love me. I miss the way he would look at me and I could see the love just bubbling up from his heart. I miss the way his eyes would light up around my kids and the way he would hold them and play with them. Heck, I miss the way he smells. I was invited to go out tomorrow night to go square dancing (I know, I know) but I couldn't really go because I didn't have a partner to go with. Who would I dance with? It's something that he would enjoy trying out and I would love being with him. I don't know. I'm just lonely tonight. I am almost tempted to start praying again for a husband. I'm just so afraid to do that. I don't want to get sidetracked from what is important in my life right now. I don't know if I can handle praying for that without it becoming a focus in my life. And, honestly, what if I start praying and God says no? It's one thing for me to plan to live my life believing that I will never remarry, it's another thing to know for sure that that door is closed. I don't know what the future holds, and I try not to think about it too much. But tonight I do know that I am just plain lonely. That sounds so pathetic, but it's true. I will probably stay up way too late tonight filling my time with useless things until I'm too exhausted to stay awake another moment. Then I will crawl into bed, try to sleep and get up the next morning and prepare for my ex to come take my kids for the day. Ugh. Dare I dream of a someday?

Anxiety turns to joy

God is so very good. I know I say that a lot, but He continuously proves Himself faithful over and over again. I felt strongly like I needed to take some time away today, so after getting the kids off to school and a brief meeting this morning, I took off to my favorite (local) get away spot. The lake. I love the lake at any time of year, but right about this time, the lake begins to melt in places pushing up blocks of ice on top of the otherwise frozen lake. It is simply beautiful. The perfectly white ice against a clear blue sky and the absolute silence that encompasses the entire area. I just love it! Soon the chunks of ice will be pushed up onto the sand and these ice mountains will form before everything is melted away. I love His beautiful creation!

Anyway, I had decided to take time to do some prayer and fasting today. As I sat by the lake enjoying the silence and just pouring out my heart before God, He overwhelmed me with peace and joy. I still don't have any answers about a job or where we are going to live, but I know, beyond all doubt, that He is in control. The place that we are living now was an absolute God send and no one even knew this place existed until we were living in a friend's basement. A friend that was trying to sell her house. We were desperate. Desperate for His hand to move. And He did just that. I know that wherever He leads us, it will be what is best for me and my two little ones. My mind cannot comprehend all He has in store for us. I am so grateful that I can depend on Him. As far as the job, it was the same thing. I had been unemployed for two months and then got a temp job. That temp job ended with no prospects in sight. Then out of the blue, this job came along. It has by far, been the best job I could ever want. God has blessed me so tremendously through this job and He has grown me and taught me like I could have never imagined. I know that we are secure in His hands. I am turning from anxiousness to pure excitement to see what all He has in store.

On top of all of this, He has laid on my heart a new ministry possibility that I am growing increasingly excited about. I have no idea how it would all work out, but I am thrilled to be going along for the ride.

Now, I have to say, that when you spend time alone with God like this, He can do amazing things for your heart. He comforted me and filled me with contentment. He seemed to hold me safe in His arms. But that was after He had to deal with some darkness in my heart. I had to face where I was screwing up and make that right, before He could pour out these blessings today. So I am excited and renewed and convicted and determined to not settle for second best in my spiritual walk. I want God to take me, shape me and use me. I want my life to glorify His name every day, every moment. I want my face and my heart to be a reflection of Him.

HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!

"Do you trust me?"

"Do you trust me?" That's what I hear Him asking me. My head says, "Of course I trust You. You have proven Yourself faithful time and time again." My heart, my gut, just wants to scream out, "What are You doing?! Why give me such a great blessing, only to rip it away? I would have rather of never known this blessing, than to receive it just to lose it again."

My heart aches and my stomach turns. My world has been flipped upside down. I have lost my job and the place that we were going to be moving to. That is hard enough to wrap my mind around, but in losing all this, I have lost a great friend. The one person that I could go to about anything, talk to about anything, the person that provided tremendous wisdom and encouragement. He's gone too. I just feel sick. I feel so very small. I feel as though I've been knocked on my back and I'm staring up at the sky still trying to catch my breath. And all I hear is "Do you trust me?" I want to say yes, but I am full of fear. I don't even know what to write. I don't know what to pray. I just want to lay in His arms.

sigh

It's been a good day. But a rather long day. And I just instinctively pull his old sweatshirt from the drawer and slip it on. There is something comforting about putting it on. It's like there is a part of him there that is wrapping his arms around me. And . . . . . . . . sigh . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Giddy!

Yup, I'm slightly giddy. And I'm not even sure it's going to ever happen, but I'm giddy at the thought of it. All I will say is that a couple years ago there was a ministry that changed me. It opened my eyes to some things and I absolutely loved it and needed it. Because of tough times, this ministry went under, but now I feel like God is calling me to possibly bring a similar ministry to my church. I see the need for it there, but it takes some hard work and money. I'm going to continue praying about all of this and I think that I will contact the couple that headed up this ministry before. I would love it, love it, love it to have this ministry rejuvenated!

It only take one moment

It only takes one moment to realize how incapable I am as a parent. Some days I feel so incredibly overwhelmed. I long to have a partner in raising these kids. I am forever second guessing myself. My son's teacher called today from school. She has "concerns". My son's behavior has changed the past two weeks and he has been acting out in ways that are uncharacteristic of him. Part of me is angry that he would do such things, part of me is exceptionally concerned. I don't know how to handle this. He needs to be punished for his behavior, but something is definitely bothering him. How do I balance showing compassion and getting him to open up to me, and still sending the firm message that this type of behavior will never be tolerated? I feel like someone knocked my legs out from underneath me and I am looking up trying to figure out what just happened. Wow, do I ever need prayer and wisdom from above.

11 hours

Had a great day today. Eleven hours learning and feeling like a woman. Eleven hours being with two Godly men. Makes me wish that I had a Godly man in my life. Good day.

Discretion or mistrust

I can't shake him from my mind. I don't want him to be there. He shouldn't be there. I don't think that there is any one else out there that I am able to be so open with. I can talk to him about anything. I respect him. I honor him. I feel so comfortable with him, for the most part. The only time I don't feel comfortable is when my mind starts to work over time. I wonder, is it okay that we are so open with each other? There are subjects that we don't discuss in detail, but for the most part, we have, at the minimum touched, on every subject. I have so much respect for him and I know he thinks highly of me. He tells me what "a fine woman" I am. He genuinely cares. He helped me put his coat on today (I was freezing), and all I could think was that I just wanted to sink into his arms. That frustrates me so. I just want a hug, but I fear that that little act could be bad. I just adore his friendship. I don't want to screw that up. So why did that thought pop in my head and why can't I shake it? I know that there is this part of me that is very vulnerable. I have been single now for four and a half years, and I do miss have a man in my life. Part of what I love about this friendship is just that. I have a man that I can talk to and be open with on a regular basis. I feel so blessed to have this special man in my life. He has encouraged me, challenged me, cared for me, protected me, guided me, taught me and has made me laugh like no other. I wish I could just sit and talk with him for hours on end. I would learn so much and I so enjoy my time with him. So why do I fear this relationship? Why am I bothered from time to time? Why are there red flags that briefly pop into my head? Okay, I started this blog so that I could be completely open and honest. I know why there are red flags. He's a married man. I know his wife and adore her, and I honestly don't think that we have by any means crossed any lines, but where is that line? He talks to his wife about our conversations from time to time, but should a married man and I be so open with each other? He is the kind of man that speaks what is on his mind and he can be honest when most people would at best shy away. That is just his personality. His friendship has been such a blessing, but I wonder how it would look to some people. It doesn't seem to bother his wife at all, so should I not be concerned about it? If she is okay with this, then why should I be bothered? The only other man that I have ever had this close of a relationship with (besides those I was in a romantic relationship with), ended up being the man that assaulted me. Does that somehow play into my fears? Do I fear that unless the relationship is romantic, I can't have such a great friendship? Or is it wisdom that is warning me that this could lead somewhere that it shouldn't? There are a few people, besides his wife, that have an understanding about the openness we share in our friendship and none of them have even once expressed any concern. So what am I to think? Wisdom and discretion stepping in to warn me? Or my same old mistrust of men issues? How is a girl to know? All I know is that our conversation today was interrupted, and I am really looking forward to finishing it.

i wish i could tell him. just lay it all on the line. let him see every little flaw. be open with every thought, fear, emotion, hope, desire, temptation, all of it. i can't do it. not with him or anyone for that matter. you are that open with your spouse, not friends. i wish i had that person. he is the closest thing i have to that openness. yet, i can't confide all of that in him. it makes me miss my Ben. i've missed him a lot lately. i loved that man with all that was within me. and oh, how he loved me. my daughter told me recently that she wanted me to get married (that's nothing new, she is always saying that). but this time, she told me that she wanted me to marry Ben. it has been about 2 years since his name has even been mentioned in our home, yet, she still remembers him and adores him. part of me still adores him. it would never work if we got back together. at least i don't think it would. but, wow, i miss him at times. he is a good, good man. i wish that we could have been friends and that we could just hang out together. i miss his company. since i don't have him, i settle for this other friend that i will always have to keep at arm's length. such is my life.

Trippin' down memory lane

It all started with Bon Jovi at the Grammys. Seeing them perform, thinking of their music, all these memories came rushing back. Good and bad. The ex-boyfriends, the stupid mistakes, the nights out with the girls, being carefree, the poetry, the beach, the hurt. It all came rushing back. It started with Bon Jovi, which led to GunsNRoses. Oh, how I adored Axl. When I met my ex-husband, he reminded me of Axl. I totally fell for the bad boy that I believed I could make want to be good. We can see how well that worked. Watching those videos again, it brings back the feelings of wanting to soar off a cliff and just pray that I don't come crashing down. I did, however, always seem to crash and burn. And then the poetry would come streaming forth with the tears. I don't miss those days. There are days though, that I wish I could take the day off. Not have to worry about the kids, the finances, the house, my work, everything that is always on my mind. I sure wouldn't mind taking that trip to Amish country for the weekend. But that takes money. Money that we don't have. So, I dream. I dream and trip down memory lane.

Memories again

I'm sitting here with everything to do and doing none of it. There is one thought in my mind in the midst of a thousand thoughts swirling around. The tears have dried to my cheeks and I am asking myself, "Why do I seek this out? What demented part of me wants to relive this?" Tonight again, I made a point to watch a movie, on Lifetime of course, about a girl that is raped. I see the pain in her eyes and I watch her struggle to come to terms with what all has happened. I see her flash back to her life before the attack and how she is envious of that carefree girl that is gone. I watch and as the tears trickle down my cheeks, I feel weighted to the floor. I don't feel like I can move. I know that I have so many things to do, but my mind simply can't think of any thing else. I tried again tonight. I went on the RAINN website, again. I don't know why. I feel guilty. This happened so long ago and there are girls each day that are being attacked. How can I put myself in the same category. I almost did it. I almost "spoke" to a counselor via their hotline. I don't really know what good it would do, but each time I see a movie such as this, or I hear about a woman being attacked, I want to reach out. I want to talk to someone and tell them the whole story. I want them to listen and then to somehow just know what to say. To tell me how the heck I heal from this. To tell me that one day, this will all seem so far away. That someday I will be able to detach myself from the memories. Yet, I doubt that will ever happen. I realize that this did happen. That it will always be a part of my life. I can't make it go away. Ever. It is with me to stay. Oh, I grow so weary. My eyes burn and I just want to crawl in bed and shut out the world. Why do I watch such movies? I saw a commercial for this movie like a week ago and right then I knew that I was going to watch it. Why? Why do I do this to myself. Why can't I just shut the door on the whole thing and go back to pretending that it never happened. Instead, I put myself right back at that place. A decade ago, on that little beach with the stars up above and not a soul around. How far away my dorm seemed that night. How unaware I was of anyone else around while I tried to get back to my room. You know, of all the details I remember, I can't remember what I did when I got back that night. Were my roommates in our room? Did I look distressed at all? Did I just go to bed? I honestly can't remember anything until the next day at graduation. Right before I passed out. That whole section is just gone from my memory. How crazy is that? I just don't know. I should just go to bed and finish all this work in the morning. I'm in no shape to be thinking about the legalities of a lease agreement right now.

heart and soul

I was created to be a wife. I just feel it. I long for a husband. I long for strong, spiritual leadership. I long to be able to just be a woman. To not be forced to work in a man's world. To not have to be the strong one all the time. To be able to look to someone else for help with direction and decisions. To have someone to lean on. I take joy in such little things that most would not notice. Having a man pray for our lunch. A man that confronted me about something he saw in my life that I was oblivious to. Just having a man to talk to and listen to and learn from. To have a man in my life that, despite his imperfections, I can respect him and value his opinions. I just want a husband. Sorry, but it's true. Actually, no I'm not sorry. It is in my heart and soul to be a wife.