There is so much on my heart tonight. I want to sit and talk with you and pour out all that is in me. Since I can't do that, I am left again writing a letter you will never see.
I want so much. I want to, no long to, be loved by you. I simply ache to be a wife again. I also want not only the support of our friends and family, bur for them to be excited for us. I want a clear, perfect peace from our Heavenly Father that He is the One bringing us together and that this was His plan long ago. I want to know all about you; what kind of husband you will be; what kind of father you will be to my children; and simply what kind of man you are when no one is wathcing. I want to know about your quiet time, your prayer life, your personal walk with the Lord. I want to know your strengths and be able to support you in how you use them for the Lord. I want to know your weaknesses and be a true "helpmate" to you and balance you out and encourage you. Above all else, I want to know if this is of God.
I have doubts. I have fears. I cannot trust my own heart. My heart would lead me straight into your arms without even a glance back. I hate that I have to hold myself back. I know I must be cautious and wise, but part of me wants to blissfully trust that somehow you have all the answers and I can simply follow suit.
I hate that my eyes burn from the tears I shed tonight over the pain in my life. I don't want to expose you to that. I hate that part of me feels that I will always be haunted by my past that there will always be someone there to hold up a rearview mirror and force me to relive all of that again. I fear that because of my past sin I, and any man I marry, will never be able to receive a full blessing from the Lord.
I hate that I turned you away tonight when all I wanted to do was sink into your arms. I love that after such a rough day, my brief conversation with you acts a salve to raw emotions. I love the look that I see in your eyes from time to time and I want to know that I can accept all that I see there. I want to love you. I want to follow you. Oh, Dan, if this continues, you will learn how I ache with all that is in me to be led by a godly man. To have a man that I can respect, trust and gratefully submit to. I am so weary of being the leader in my home and I relish the day I can relinquish that role.
Are you that man? Are you the man God has chosen to step into this family and be an example of God the Father inour lives? Do you realize all the pain I bring draggin behind me? Do you recognize the many hurdles we must cross? Are you the man to lead me?
Dearest Dan, I don't know what the future holds. I only pray that our all-knowing and wise God will illuminate each step we take. Before I can take your hand, my Father must give me to you. So I continue to wait. I wait for an unwavering peace and clear direction. I wait for love.
In waiting,
T.R.
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