three days

3 days. for three days i have been fighting you. you made it very clear what you wanted me to do, but i have fought. and now this is the third night that i have not slept. i know that i'm fighting and that i'm going against your Word, but i just don't feel ready to take it on. plus, i don't even know how to ask you for forgiveness. i don't know where to start. i feel so weak. i feel so useless. i don't like this at all, but i don't want to travel this road you have put before me. so what do i do? do i just continue to fight you and be miserable? or do i finally sacrifice my pride and my hurt and start this journey. i don't feel strong enough. and i don't want to let go of my anger yet. but i don't like who i am right now. i don't like not being in fellowship with you. so where do i begin? can i really just ask for forgiveness and you will simply forgive? don't i need to feel more "broken" over all of this? i'm tired. physically, emotionally, spiritually. i'm just tired. your faithfulness is new every morning right? so can i wait till morning? or is that just proving the point that i'm still not surrendering to you? i don't know. i just know it's been a long three days.

J the megaphone

Feeling better today. Just drained. My meeting with my pastor went well and I was also able to talk to my "consequences" friend (J). He is such a good man. He has this amazing heart, but sometimes it doesn't always come through. He understood more than I gave him credit for, but he also saw some areas in my life that I needed to work on. He asked if I was praying that my ex and I reconcile. I told him a resounding "NO!" He gently started talking to me about how that is Biblical. I knew that I needed to pray for his salvation, but to reconcile? Even if he got saved and became this amazing godly man, I still want nothing to do with my ex! J (in his gently honest way) talked to me about having a Christ-like attitude towards my ex and that I need to believe that God is capable of saving him. It's still a bit much to take, but I know that he is right. The funny thing is, I don't know that I would have listened to anyone else tell me this kind of thing. It is very hard to hear, but I have come to love that about J. He will say what is not always easy because he genuinely cares. Ugh, still don't like hearing it. Need to pray about all this though. As drained as I feel in dealing with all this, it's good to know that He still holds me in His hand. He also understands the pain that is still resounding in my heart, even after all these years. Funny, I thought I was over all the crap that my ex did and how he hurt me. Leave it to J to point it out to me. I swear, some days it's like he is the Holy Spirit's megaphone when I won't listen any other way. So now that I got the message, I have to decide how I will respond.

Deja' vu

So I finally start to dream and begin thinking about opening up my heart and I hear the news that my ex is engaged . . . again. Ironic? I hate that it bothers me to hear this, but it does. Not because of feelings for my ex but it just doesn't seem right. He is the one that put me through a living hell for five years, and yet he is the one to find love? He gets to be the one that gets married? My kids are going to be in his wedding? Where is the justice in that? He causes all the pain and then reaps all the reward. It just doesn't seem right. Where the heck are his consequences??

Dreams & hope

Some days it is very easy to dream. What if God brought an amazing man into my life? What if I actually did remarry? What if I could stay home and homeschool my kids. What if I had that man, confidant, friend, lover, leader and supporter? How different my life would be. I have finished a study that I was doing with my aunt on divorce and I have ended up coming to a similar position that I held before, which surprised me. I do believe that Biblically, I am free to remarry. Over the past several months, I had pretty much determined that I would never remarry. I came to terms with that and have lived my life as such. Recently however, I am beginning to wonder again. There is not one man around that I think would qualify, but I just wonder if God will still someday bring him into my life. The little bit I have thought about this scares me a little. All of those same heart desires come rushing back. Those things that I long for deep inside my soul. I almost want to start praying again for God to bring me a husband, but I am too fearful to do that. I am fearful for two reasons. One, I don't want to be always thinking about this and to slip back into a mindset that my "single situation" is temporary. And two, I'm scared to pray and allow myself to express these desires to God and then have Him tell me no again. I have done a pretty good job at closing off my heart to the possibility. Dare I open it again? How do I know what God's will is here? I know that if He happens to bring that specific man into my life, then it is pretty obvious, but what do I do until, or if, that day ever comes? Do I allow myself to be open to this again, or do I keep my heart shut down? I could sure go for a Heavenly crystal ball right about now. I love my life. Even the trials. They are changing and molding me day by day. But what if there is more? I just want to know if it is okay to hope again.

All good things must come to an end

He will just never get it, which is okay, but it seems odd. Fortunately he has never had this kind of thing touch his life. Blessed in that way is he, so I don't think he will ever understand. He can be understanding (at much as he is being), but he will never understand. He wasn't there with me as I walked through this pain and I have kept him from seeing this part of my life a bit. My ex is pretty much the underbelly of society. Before I met him, I honestly did not believe that people like him existed. I thought that the stories about such people were simply sensationalized to sell headlines and increase ratings. He exposed to a whole new level of society that I never thought would ever brush up against my world much less saturate my life for a while. So my friend will never see it or understand it, unless God forbid, this touches his life some way.

As far as my pain and his "consequences" comment, that bothers me more. I can't excuse that with simple lack of knowledge. True, I do not talk about the pain and guilt I feel from those decisions on a regular basis, but I thought that he knew me better than that. I had hoped that he would be a bit more understanding and compassionate. I know that he is a bit rough around the edges, but I do have some thick skin when it comes to dealing with other people. I think part of it is that typically I would just brush the person off and put a wall between us. I don't want to do that with him. I want to keep this relationship. However, I have learned that at least in this instance, I will have to keep him at arm's length. That does sadden me a bit, but there is nothing more I can do. I cannot force him to understand and I certainly cannot get him to feel my pain. So much of me wants to try just one more time, but to what avail?

Ironically, this is just yet another "consequence" of my sin. This part of my life has interfered, at best, and destroyed relationships along the way. From both sides of the coin. I am so thankful for a new friend at church that has walked through a similar situation. She is being an amazing encouragement to me. As far as my other friend, I just have to "cut my losses" so to speak. This will be the first of those topics that I cannot discuss with him. It's too bad really, I have enjoyed the openness in this relationship. I guess I knew it had to come to an end.

unclean sanctuary

My sanctuary has been tarnished. I don't know that it will ever be the same. How could he come and force his way into my sacred space? What on earth made her think that this was a good idea? This place of joy and peace and love was shattered the minute I saw his face there. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. Of all the places for the two of them to go, why here. Why drive out of your way and invade that which I hold so closely to my heart. What kind of man does that? What kind of brass balls does it take to show up to your ex-wife's church function with your girlfriend in tow? I want to scream. I want to throw up. This was the one thing in my life that he had not ruined for me. The one thing that he had not touched and now even that is gone. And then, my friend, my confidant, he tells me that "there are consequences to our sin and sometimes they are very painful". Really? That's what you are going to tell me? I wanted to reach across the table and shake him and scream, "Don't you think that I know that? Don't you realize I live with these consequences every single day? Don't you see that this was the ONE area that was not completely permeated with reminders of all the mistakes I have made and how I have forever altered my life and the lives of my children? Really? Do you think that I need yet another place for my guilt to overwhelm me? Do you not get it all?" It hurt so badly. I already felt so raw watching them hold hands and talk and laugh with people that have become like family to me and then the one person I thought would understand gives me that crap?!

I feel so weak and honestly beat down. I am drained from forcing my smile as I watch this serpent slither through my "holy of holies". Some may think that I am over-reacting, but this cut to my heart. The joy I have known in this place and with these people will be changed. I ache.

Yes, my friend, my confidant, we will finish this conversation and I will shake you. You care for me and love me yet you have no idea the pain that pours from my heart this night. You have been so blessed to have this kind of evil touch your life. It's time to wake up and see the devastation that divorce leaves behind. Not just the obvious, but the inner turmoil and the agony that never really goes away. Step out of your world and just get a glimpse of mine. Just for a moment. You will never be the same. And I can guarantee you that you will not be so quick to talk about someone else's consequences to sin.