my "city" is showing

There is part of me that wants to hang on to a little bit of my "city". Over the weekend I went out to lunch with a friend at one of my favorite restaurants. We enjoyed the wonderful food, the exquisite desserts and a sweet blush wine. It was wonderful. It just served to remind me that I still love some things about the city. I do enjoy having a fine dinner and a glass of wine. I love the fine arts of theater, opera, ballet, etc... Those are just some things that I will continue to hold on to. I love the country and the life that goes with it, but there will still be this string connecting me to the city.

Erotic

Something else that I will miss by never remarrying is being able to be erotic. Not just sex, although that has been and will continue to be difficult, but the day to day sexiness. Every girl has those things that she only wears at home. The little track shorts that are way too short to wear out, or the cute little top that is way too revealing. That's stuff that just stays in the house, which is fine, but part of the fun of wearing things like that at home it to turn your husband on. Without a husband I don't get that privilege. This may sound so stupid to some people, but just realize that for me to be a good woman, I need to dress in a modest, somewhat conservative manner. I have to dress so as to not turn a man on. I don't get the chance to be erotic and to be the object of desire for a man. Part of the issue is that I honestly love sex. I enjoy it. I love being that close with a man, feeling that connection, feeling beautiful, feeling free. Sex is great. It is fun and can be mind-blowing. Part of the fun of sex is what leads up to it. I love the fun of turning a man on. Of kissing him suggestively when he's not expecting it, of dressing in a way that even if I'm just washing dishes all he can think of is how soon he can get at me, of walking past him and slapping his ass, of fulfilling his secret fantasies, of trying something new, of dressing up in some costume, oh and the best, buying new lingerie that I know he will love. I loved doing that kind of stuff when I was married (and with that one boyfriend). I feel like I have lost something intrinsically feminine by losing the chance to be sexy. To be a godly woman I must never strive to arouse a man again. How sad is that? It's something so simple that I think most women take for granted, but I feel like with this realization I have lost part of what makes me a woman. To always have to be dressed perfectly and to always be cautious of my actions and how they may be perceived by a man. I just miss it and will continue to miss it. It's not just giving up sex, it's giving up all forms of eroticism, of being flirtatious, of being desired. I will never know that look from a man again. That look that is filled with desire and overcome by love. I'm sorry, but that is a loss. It would be so much easier to stay single had I never experienced any of this in the past. Just another way that God's way is best.

I don't understand. Why now, why her, why this way? I still feel so raw from the last loss that has already shattered our world. I don't want to hear any more bad news. I'm tired of it all. And this is the day that I work with the attorney and deal with death and divorce. I really want to go to my other job. Work with my other boss. Be encouraged. He would find a way for me to laugh. But no, it's Friday and and that means the attorney job. That means that I paste a smile on my face and pretend that all is well. That my stomach is not turning as I work through files of people simply disposing of their spouses or fighting with their siblings over who gets what from their parents' estate. I'm just not up for it. I'm ready for Saturday. I'm ready for Him to come back.

Lesson learned

Proverbs 10:17 "People who accept correction are on the pathway to life, but those who ignore it will lead others astray."
Very interesting day today. I was taught some things today by a very unexpected source. Just goes to show that you never know who God will use in your life to make you more Christ-like.

Father's Day

So this being Father's Day today our pastor spoke on fathers and the importance they play in raising children. This evening I get a call from my dad and he tells me that he wants me to tell him what he did right and what he did wrong in raising myself and my sister. That sounds like such a noble thing, but I am dreading having to tell him these things. I had a good father. He was. He did have some major faults though. I come from a Middle Eastern family and with that comes certain things: a tendency to have way to much food at every possible celebration, being constantly loud, being stubborn as a mules and having volital tempers. What I am about to say is truthful but comes with explanation. My dad was physically abusive. I say that, but I feel the need to clarify. My dad would hit, slap, shove and kick us when his anger took control of him. This was not a result of alcoholism, just lack of self-control. It did not happen every day or even every week, but that does not lessen the damage that was done. Yes, my dad was abusive, however, I know that so many others suffer so much worse. I have realized though, that the damage he did to me went so far beyond just the bruises. I distinctly remember several different things that where all turning points for me: 1) when I was in elementary school my dad taught Sunday School at our church. One Sunday he lost his temper at one of the kids in his classe and grabbed him by the arm and shoved him to the ground. My dad was not allowed to teach after that incident. What struck me was the fact that not one person had the guts to say "hey, if he is doing this at church, what is he doing at home?" How much more obvious does it need to be that there is problems in this home. I remember at the young age to not depend or trust people in the church. 2) When I was in Junior High somehow my mom convinced my dad to go to couples and family counseling. We spent a year in counseling as a family and my dad cried and apoligized and I truly believed that it was over. Then he hit me again. That is the day I made the decision that I would not only never forgive or trust him again, but that I would never love him. From that day on I continued to grow more and more bitter towards him. I refused to give him father's day cards and would never tell him I loved him. I wrote him off. I must say, that had an awful lot to do with my behavior in high school. I hated my dad and would do anything to spite him, humiliate him, disrespect him or hurt him in any way. I went away after to school to a strict Bible school. It was a thirteen hour drive and I cried the majority of the way there. I cried because I absolutely did not want to go, but I knew that if I didn't my life would literally end in ruins. I knew the path I was on was going to destroy me. Being that far from home offered some relief in my relationship with my dad. After two years there, I began to realize that I needed to forgive him. I wasn't ready to do that yet, but I acknowledged that I needed to. I started sending him father's day cards again but I would never sign them "Love, . . . " Years later I finally came to a place where I could finally forgive him. 3) the most recent turning point just came a year ago. I had forgiven my father, but our relationship was still strained at best. His age and health had started to mellow him a bit and we got along okay as long as he didn't get to controling. anyway, last summer myself, my kids and my parents where heading out to a local festival. I was driving and my dad was in the passenger seat. He is a horrible back seat driver. It doesn't matter who it is, they are never driving right. (He can no longer drive due to health conditions) He was growing more and more upset with me for not going fast enough or slow enough or not pulling out when he thought I should. His temper finally got the best of him and he hauled off and punched me. In all my years growning up, he never hit me with a closed fist. Not only that, but this happened with my two children in the vehicle watching. I pulled into the festival dropped my parents off and left with my kids. At the time we were renting an apartment from my dad. We never went back. That weekend we went to my sister's two hours away. When we came back we stayed with a friend of mine for six weeks while I tried to find a place to live. That is how we came to live out where we do now. God works in mysterious ways. Anyway, the turning point there was that I realized that even if I forgave my dad, I could not change him. I would always have to walk on egg shells with him and be diligent about not leaving my children with him. I realized that it wasn't up to me. I could never fix him. All I could do was work on me. Things have definetly improved in my relationship with him since that. I've stopped blaming him. There's no point in constantly pointing the finger. Our relationship is still far from picture perfect and it never will be, but that's okay. But now, what am I supposed to tell him. Last summer when we went through all this I said something to him about how he was like this growing up and he said that he never hit us growing up. I don't know if he honestly doesn't remember (due to some health issues) or if he has just blocked it all out. I certainly don't want to haul this mess out on the table again. So what am I supposed to say? How do I answer this question. I really don't know.

A fledgling country girl

Today was another one of those "I wish I could find a giant frame and frame this whole day" kind of days. Tonight after dinner the kids and I started driving and listening to music. We decided to take a drive, which we like to do, down some back country roads looking for deer and picking out each of our favorite houses and lots. We listened to the music loud at times singing at the top or our lungs and dancing away. Then at one point we turned the music off, stopped the car with the windows down and listened. We heard nothing but silence. Beautiful silence. We ended up spotting 6 deer, 3 bunnies and countless cows (which Bella was so excited about. Odd child she is!). As we drove through the country, I began thinking back to where I was a year ago. So very much has changed. I have changed. I moved all of 15 minutes away, and it seems as though into a whole different world. First I moved to a smaller place which forced me to cut back on all that I owned. It forced me to simplify. Beyond that, I have learned to be content and even happy with the small simple things. I am taken aback by the beauty of the country on a daily basis. I cannot help but smile as I look out over the golden wheat field. Even driving into work I grin. How can you not enjoy spending each day surrounded by gardens and quiet and simple beauty? I joke about turning into a country girl, but in all reality, I enjoy the change I see in myself. Now don't get me wrong, I still love my shoes and you would be hard pressed to ever find me without painted toenails, but I would just assume kick off the heels and walk barefoot through the grass wet with dew. I still enjoy manicures (not that I get them much anymore), but I can get down on my knees and dig in the dirt in my garden (my "farm fertilized" garden I might add). I used to have these ideas of my dream house being large suited perfectly for entertaining large crowds and a kitchen that a chef would desire. I have learned that true entertaining means opening your home, regardless of how big or small it is and serving whatever you may have. It's more about being hospitable than being a perfect hostess. My desire now is to someday have a house that can be a home in every sense of the word. A sanctuary. Not just for my family, but for friends and those in need. I have always had a strong desire to have a home that someone can feel comfortable stopping by on a whim, but the way I view that now has changed. It doesn't mean that I keep my house perfect (although this week I do believe a tornado hit my house. That is the only logical explanation for it's condition!), but that it is real. My landlord has been a shining example of this. She once told me that "around here" you never know how many people you may have for dinner so you always have extra on hand. One of the biggest ways I saw this was when I was still working in Cleveland. Each day I would come home exhausted. Spending 4 hours a day just driving to and from work took it's toll on me. Wednesdays were especially rough. By the time we got home we had maybe an hour to make and eat dinner, do homework and get out the door again to church. We would get home late, go to bed late and then I would be dealing with exceptionally crabby kids Thursday morning when I had to wake them up at 5:00 or 5:15 am. One particularly rough Wednesday I had no sooner walked into my apartment than my phone rang. It was my landlord and she wanted to know if I had started dinner. I told her that I hadn't had a chance and she said she would be right up. She walked up to my apartment and handed me a plate with hot ham and cheese sandwiches and homemade potato salad. Such a simple gesture. This was not a 6 course dinner with all the frills, but the kindness, the thought, just about brought me to tears. That, my friends, is what hospitality is all about. I still enjoy making the fancy cheesecakes and the large meals, but that has it's time and place. Come to my house and I will offer whatever I may have, whether that be ribs or spaghetti-Os. There is a tranquility, a peacefulness about being simple. That I treasure. That is one of the biggest things I have learned. I may never be the kind of country girl that cleans fish or knows how to make a live feathered chicken into dinner, but I hope that I continue this journey of learning how to be a little more country everyday.

Fighting Temptation

How do you fight temptation when you can't get away from it? There has been something that I have been struggling with the past few weeks and usually I would do everything I could to stay away from any form of temptation but with this I cannot. Day in and day out it is there. It's like a monkey on my back, but not a cute playful monkey. Oh no. This monkey hisses and has sharp little claws that dig into my back and neck. I spend time in prayer and read and read and read the Bible trying to get some perspective and relief. Most days are okay. I dodge the bullets and zig and zag around the land mines. Yesterday was not one of those days. Every step I took, no matter how careful I was trying to be, I hit a land mine. Everything seemed to trigger this temptation. What I saw, smelled, heard, felt, everything! On top of it all, the battle was waging in my mind. Part of me was trying to rationalize this temptation while the other part of me was screaming how very stupid that was. I wish I could get a break from this all. Honestly it is exhausting. Morning, noon and night this battle wages on. I felt so weary yesterday. I was tired of fighting. I still fought, but half-heartedly. Is this a thorn in my side that I will never get relief from? Will I continue to face this everyday? Will I ever get victory in this? The frustration mounts. This is when it would be really good to have an accountability partner. I have tried to have accountability partners in the past, but I have never found anyone that will be committed to the time and effort it takes. I don't even have a spouse that I can confide in and draw some support from. I do a weekly Bible study with a relative, but this is not something I could broach with her. We study specific things and though it is very good, we never go beyond the issue we are studying. She would not handle this kind of thing well. The words of the old hymn keep going through my mind; "O victory in Jesus/ my Savior forever/ He sought & bought me/ with His redeeming blood/He loved me ere I knew Him/And all my love is due Him/He plunged me to victory/ Beneath the cleansing flood!" So when do I get this victory? It is promised to me right? I will continue to fight, but my body, my mind, they grow weary. I need some encouragement. I need support.

Relax soldier

Seriously. Some guys just really don't get it. So a friend of mine just got back from a funeral, and by friend I really mean an actual friend, and he seemed all upset and down so I give him a hug. Next thing I know he's standing at full attention and ready for action. I know it's all biology and boys will be boys, but he didn't even release me from the hug. He just kept holding on to me, like he was so grief-stricken. I literally had to pull myself away. Okay maybe I'm being harsh, but I would think that in that situation a guy would not prolong it by continuing to hold on to me. And, I don't know, maybe be a little embarrassed. Am I missing something? When I pulled away it was like "What the heck?". Like I was supposed to stay there or something. Like I should have enjoyed that. Then all he can manage to do is look everywhere but my eyes, and he wasn't bashful about it. I don't care if you're grief-stricken, the kind of comfort you're looking for is not coming from me. I could not get away fast enough. Just a tip guys; making it obvious that you're picturing a girl naked is not a turn on or a compliment. Right now I wish I did have a husband who would have been standing there with me and could have knocked my friend's teeth out. Am I wrong here? It just gave me the creeps.

Where to begin? The internet gods have raged against me this past week and I have not been able to get online for basically 3 days. I actually picked up one of my old journals and started writing in it since I couldn't blog. This week has been so stressful in so many different ways. I have spent two weeks working on a project for my new job and right before it was completed everything fell apart. So now I basically have to start all over. My boss teases me about always having a smile on my face but on Wedsday, I was certainly not smiling. I actually took a lunch break that day, not to eat but to walk and clear my head. I was pretty pissed. The worst thing is that I feel like I let my boss down. He understands that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it, but still. Wedsnesday was supposed to be this great exciting day when everything was completed and instead everything blew up. It seriously sucked. My boss continued to try and encourage me, but I could see he was disappointed. Beyond the crap at work, I've been dealing with stupid things all around me. Things at the house, namely the lack of internet service, the ex is starting up again with his crap, trying to prepare for a garage sale that I don't really want to do, and my son starting a new daycare and my daughter's daycare pissing me off a bit. Just an all around stressful week. Oh well. It's is finally Friday and I am now officially counting down to our vacation to NC. I cannot wait. Although, I am keenly aware of missing my weekend in Amish country last fall. I look forward to that every year. It is a time for me to recharge and refocus. I really miss that. I simply could not afford to go. I always go to the same little bed and breakfast. It's run by a Minnonite couple and there are now phones in the rooms and no TVs. It's in a beautiful setting and it's a place that I feel safe being there on my own. Yeah, I really miss it. I really want to get back there this year. The first year I went down there, I did not want to leave. Even though I live out in the country now, there is still something about the silence down there. You rarely hear a car, just the clip-clop of the horse and buggy. The air is clean and the food is great. It's just this little corner of the earth that still seems untouched by the modern world. I love it. I always envy the Amish and Minnonite families down there. They work so hard, but there is a joy and peace that I have to fight to maintain up here. Wow, this blog is getting longer and longer. That's a sign that I've gone through withdrawal. Well, I suppose I should actually get some work done.

Change is good

So I changed the background for this blog. The bland tan and brown just didn't seem to fit anymore. When I started this blog, I was going through a rather dark time. It was a very dark but necessary time to walk through. I am coming out of it all and the sun is rising on the other side of the mountain. I feel as though this is a New Year's Eve or something. I have taken that step off the cliff and wouldn't you know, I'm flying. So much has changed, over the past few months.

Contentment

I am so content. I am at peace. I have joy in my heart. Coming to the conclusion to remain single has been the best thing for me. It simplifies my life greatly. There are definitely still struggles, but they pale against all else.

My, how things change

So God definitely has a sense of humor. After I wrote the previous post I did devotions with the kids and one of the things discussed was the fact that God knows all our thoughts. So it only makes sense to talk to Him about what He already knows. I knew all of this already, but I needed a refresher. I prayed about it all and just said what was on my heart. The very next day wouldn't you know that my boss starts this conversation about how people don't make these major mistakes over night, but that there is a slippery slope of choices that are made along the way. He talked about how you have to stay dedicated in the little things like a daily quiet time and prayer (he is a Christian). Then he proceeds to say that if he wasn't doing these things he would be tempted to screw up in a major way like having an affair. Well to say the least, after praying about it and having this conversation with him, I started to see things in a different light. Even though my thoughts were "innocent", it is the beginning of that slope and that slope leads to a place where I never want to go. So yes, I do need to continue to pray about these stupid annoying little things. And wouldn't you know it, my view of my boss is changing. I am seeing him still as a great guy but with that "he could be my uncle" kind of feeling. Nothing about him has changed, but God is changing my perspective. Isn't He cool! He cares about these little things and actually wants me to talk to Him about them. I am so grateful that I can go to my Heavenly Father and be as open with Him as I am on this blog, even the embarrassing stuff.