Trippin' down memory lane

It all started with Bon Jovi at the Grammys. Seeing them perform, thinking of their music, all these memories came rushing back. Good and bad. The ex-boyfriends, the stupid mistakes, the nights out with the girls, being carefree, the poetry, the beach, the hurt. It all came rushing back. It started with Bon Jovi, which led to GunsNRoses. Oh, how I adored Axl. When I met my ex-husband, he reminded me of Axl. I totally fell for the bad boy that I believed I could make want to be good. We can see how well that worked. Watching those videos again, it brings back the feelings of wanting to soar off a cliff and just pray that I don't come crashing down. I did, however, always seem to crash and burn. And then the poetry would come streaming forth with the tears. I don't miss those days. There are days though, that I wish I could take the day off. Not have to worry about the kids, the finances, the house, my work, everything that is always on my mind. I sure wouldn't mind taking that trip to Amish country for the weekend. But that takes money. Money that we don't have. So, I dream. I dream and trip down memory lane.

Memories again

I'm sitting here with everything to do and doing none of it. There is one thought in my mind in the midst of a thousand thoughts swirling around. The tears have dried to my cheeks and I am asking myself, "Why do I seek this out? What demented part of me wants to relive this?" Tonight again, I made a point to watch a movie, on Lifetime of course, about a girl that is raped. I see the pain in her eyes and I watch her struggle to come to terms with what all has happened. I see her flash back to her life before the attack and how she is envious of that carefree girl that is gone. I watch and as the tears trickle down my cheeks, I feel weighted to the floor. I don't feel like I can move. I know that I have so many things to do, but my mind simply can't think of any thing else. I tried again tonight. I went on the RAINN website, again. I don't know why. I feel guilty. This happened so long ago and there are girls each day that are being attacked. How can I put myself in the same category. I almost did it. I almost "spoke" to a counselor via their hotline. I don't really know what good it would do, but each time I see a movie such as this, or I hear about a woman being attacked, I want to reach out. I want to talk to someone and tell them the whole story. I want them to listen and then to somehow just know what to say. To tell me how the heck I heal from this. To tell me that one day, this will all seem so far away. That someday I will be able to detach myself from the memories. Yet, I doubt that will ever happen. I realize that this did happen. That it will always be a part of my life. I can't make it go away. Ever. It is with me to stay. Oh, I grow so weary. My eyes burn and I just want to crawl in bed and shut out the world. Why do I watch such movies? I saw a commercial for this movie like a week ago and right then I knew that I was going to watch it. Why? Why do I do this to myself. Why can't I just shut the door on the whole thing and go back to pretending that it never happened. Instead, I put myself right back at that place. A decade ago, on that little beach with the stars up above and not a soul around. How far away my dorm seemed that night. How unaware I was of anyone else around while I tried to get back to my room. You know, of all the details I remember, I can't remember what I did when I got back that night. Were my roommates in our room? Did I look distressed at all? Did I just go to bed? I honestly can't remember anything until the next day at graduation. Right before I passed out. That whole section is just gone from my memory. How crazy is that? I just don't know. I should just go to bed and finish all this work in the morning. I'm in no shape to be thinking about the legalities of a lease agreement right now.

heart and soul

I was created to be a wife. I just feel it. I long for a husband. I long for strong, spiritual leadership. I long to be able to just be a woman. To not be forced to work in a man's world. To not have to be the strong one all the time. To be able to look to someone else for help with direction and decisions. To have someone to lean on. I take joy in such little things that most would not notice. Having a man pray for our lunch. A man that confronted me about something he saw in my life that I was oblivious to. Just having a man to talk to and listen to and learn from. To have a man in my life that, despite his imperfections, I can respect him and value his opinions. I just want a husband. Sorry, but it's true. Actually, no I'm not sorry. It is in my heart and soul to be a wife.

temptation and confession

My old temptation came out of no where again today. Having a great day and BAM. Ugh. I fought with all that is within me, but I wonder, why today. I have done so well with walking away from it all and then today it all came flooding back. It was like I was the same place I had been several months ago. Even now as I write this, thoughts are swirling in my mind. . . what if, just for a moment, I went down this road again? Would it really be that bad? Just a taste, a hint, a touch of this particular temptation. So frustrating. I have done so very well walking away from it all and now it's back and I feel like I can't shake it. It is just staring me in the face. No one knows of this particular temptation. I have kept it very well hidden. Maybe that is part of the problem. Maybe I should talk to someone. Yeah, that's not going to happen though. I'm not up for the "classification" that would come with confessing something like this. At times like this, I almost wish that I was Catholic so that I could go to a priest and confess.

It's official. I have lost my joy. Wednesday night prayer meetings have always been such a joy for me, but tonight it was different. I am worried and I can't shake it. I am doubting God. I have to move next year, which originally I was planning on doing anyway, but I found out yesterday that although the local school does provide all day Kindergarten, it is tuition based. I was counting on not having to pay tuition or childcare next year. And get this, the tuition is higher than what I am paying for my daughter's preschool this year! I am not doubting that God will provide a place to live, I am just thinking that it will be a tiny two bedroom apartment far away from work and church. Or worse, in the city. My aunt is trying to get me to buy this rediculously cheap mobile home just because it is so cheap. It is a two bedroom that needs work and it's in the junky park where it is just these homes parked on concrete. No grass, no area for the kids to play, about 3o minutes from church and 40 minutes from work, but she's convinced that I should take it. It's what I can afford after all. That right there is my fear. That that is what I will be stuck with. God says that He will provide our needs, not our wants. That trailer would provide shelter for us, that is a need. Yet it is nothing that I would ever want. There was this house that my boss was considering buying and renting out to me that I was in love with. A three bedroom ranch, two car attached garage, a full finished basement, 4 acres of land (surrounded by farm land that my boss would also buy and farm), literally 2 minutes from church and about 5 minutes from work. I fell in love with it! Now it looks like it is falling through. Even if it didn't fall through, I couldn't afford to rent it with this added tuition expense next year. Yes, my joy is gone. Doubt has taken over. I feel selfish and petty and oh so distant from Him right now. For the first time in a very long time, I am not content. This feels so strange and just ucky. :(

Days like this

I am definitely having one of those days. One of those days that I would love to have a husband. A man to support me, encourage me, love me and provide me with added strength. A man to bring joy into my life. A man to be a shield of protection for me and for my children. It's just one of those days. I understand that God is the husband to the husbandless and father to the fatherless, and He has proven Himself to be just that time and time again. But on days like today, I feel the need for a man of flesh, bone and muscle to be here. To feel his arms around me and to know that no matter what, we are in this together. I hate days like this. I hate feeling so weak and powerless. I hate longing for something that I don't have and very well may never have. "I need you Jesus, to come to my rescue. Where else can I go?" How do I get through days like this?

Protection

I will not throw up. I am trying to trust. I am trying to rest in His arms, but on days like today, it seems very difficult. I do all that I can to protect my children but unfortunately I have to let them go where they are not as protected. It is then that I have to trust Him. This makes no sense I know. Last night I found out that my former step-son and his family have moved back to the area. I loved this boy as my own. He was however molested by a member of my ex-husband's family. His mother never dealt with it (and neither did the family of the molester and the main reason I try to distance my children from that family as much as possible). On top of his molestation, he has been exposed to pornography on a regular basis since he was a young child. It doesn't take a genius to realize that it is very likely that he will repeat the actions taken on him. Now that he has moved back to the area, my ex-husband wants to have my children and my former step-son together for joint visitations. I have no legal ground to stand on. My ex-husband is not exactly an involved parent, even when he has the kids there. They are typically fed McDonald's and pizza and left to play video games and watch TV. It would be very easy for something to happen to one of my children. I know he thinks that I'm paranoid, but I don't think I am being so. If my step-son had received counseling and lived in a healthy family environment, I would not be near as concerned. I just want my ex to realize that the possibility is there. I think he views his son as just an innocent little boy still, but he is going to be 13 in a couple of months (the age that the molester was) and since he has not been given the tools to deal with this trauma, it is very likely that he will act out what he has been exposed to. Ugh, I feel so nauseous. I literally woke up this morning wanting to puke. I scheduled a "friendly" dinner for Friday night to meet with my ex and his fiance' where I am going to try and address my concerns. I don't know how it will be received. I want my tone to be positive but I want the seriousness of the situation to be understood. Oh, and I don't want to throw up, which I still feel like doing. Father help me.

three days

3 days. for three days i have been fighting you. you made it very clear what you wanted me to do, but i have fought. and now this is the third night that i have not slept. i know that i'm fighting and that i'm going against your Word, but i just don't feel ready to take it on. plus, i don't even know how to ask you for forgiveness. i don't know where to start. i feel so weak. i feel so useless. i don't like this at all, but i don't want to travel this road you have put before me. so what do i do? do i just continue to fight you and be miserable? or do i finally sacrifice my pride and my hurt and start this journey. i don't feel strong enough. and i don't want to let go of my anger yet. but i don't like who i am right now. i don't like not being in fellowship with you. so where do i begin? can i really just ask for forgiveness and you will simply forgive? don't i need to feel more "broken" over all of this? i'm tired. physically, emotionally, spiritually. i'm just tired. your faithfulness is new every morning right? so can i wait till morning? or is that just proving the point that i'm still not surrendering to you? i don't know. i just know it's been a long three days.

J the megaphone

Feeling better today. Just drained. My meeting with my pastor went well and I was also able to talk to my "consequences" friend (J). He is such a good man. He has this amazing heart, but sometimes it doesn't always come through. He understood more than I gave him credit for, but he also saw some areas in my life that I needed to work on. He asked if I was praying that my ex and I reconcile. I told him a resounding "NO!" He gently started talking to me about how that is Biblical. I knew that I needed to pray for his salvation, but to reconcile? Even if he got saved and became this amazing godly man, I still want nothing to do with my ex! J (in his gently honest way) talked to me about having a Christ-like attitude towards my ex and that I need to believe that God is capable of saving him. It's still a bit much to take, but I know that he is right. The funny thing is, I don't know that I would have listened to anyone else tell me this kind of thing. It is very hard to hear, but I have come to love that about J. He will say what is not always easy because he genuinely cares. Ugh, still don't like hearing it. Need to pray about all this though. As drained as I feel in dealing with all this, it's good to know that He still holds me in His hand. He also understands the pain that is still resounding in my heart, even after all these years. Funny, I thought I was over all the crap that my ex did and how he hurt me. Leave it to J to point it out to me. I swear, some days it's like he is the Holy Spirit's megaphone when I won't listen any other way. So now that I got the message, I have to decide how I will respond.

Deja' vu

So I finally start to dream and begin thinking about opening up my heart and I hear the news that my ex is engaged . . . again. Ironic? I hate that it bothers me to hear this, but it does. Not because of feelings for my ex but it just doesn't seem right. He is the one that put me through a living hell for five years, and yet he is the one to find love? He gets to be the one that gets married? My kids are going to be in his wedding? Where is the justice in that? He causes all the pain and then reaps all the reward. It just doesn't seem right. Where the heck are his consequences??

Dreams & hope

Some days it is very easy to dream. What if God brought an amazing man into my life? What if I actually did remarry? What if I could stay home and homeschool my kids. What if I had that man, confidant, friend, lover, leader and supporter? How different my life would be. I have finished a study that I was doing with my aunt on divorce and I have ended up coming to a similar position that I held before, which surprised me. I do believe that Biblically, I am free to remarry. Over the past several months, I had pretty much determined that I would never remarry. I came to terms with that and have lived my life as such. Recently however, I am beginning to wonder again. There is not one man around that I think would qualify, but I just wonder if God will still someday bring him into my life. The little bit I have thought about this scares me a little. All of those same heart desires come rushing back. Those things that I long for deep inside my soul. I almost want to start praying again for God to bring me a husband, but I am too fearful to do that. I am fearful for two reasons. One, I don't want to be always thinking about this and to slip back into a mindset that my "single situation" is temporary. And two, I'm scared to pray and allow myself to express these desires to God and then have Him tell me no again. I have done a pretty good job at closing off my heart to the possibility. Dare I open it again? How do I know what God's will is here? I know that if He happens to bring that specific man into my life, then it is pretty obvious, but what do I do until, or if, that day ever comes? Do I allow myself to be open to this again, or do I keep my heart shut down? I could sure go for a Heavenly crystal ball right about now. I love my life. Even the trials. They are changing and molding me day by day. But what if there is more? I just want to know if it is okay to hope again.

All good things must come to an end

He will just never get it, which is okay, but it seems odd. Fortunately he has never had this kind of thing touch his life. Blessed in that way is he, so I don't think he will ever understand. He can be understanding (at much as he is being), but he will never understand. He wasn't there with me as I walked through this pain and I have kept him from seeing this part of my life a bit. My ex is pretty much the underbelly of society. Before I met him, I honestly did not believe that people like him existed. I thought that the stories about such people were simply sensationalized to sell headlines and increase ratings. He exposed to a whole new level of society that I never thought would ever brush up against my world much less saturate my life for a while. So my friend will never see it or understand it, unless God forbid, this touches his life some way.

As far as my pain and his "consequences" comment, that bothers me more. I can't excuse that with simple lack of knowledge. True, I do not talk about the pain and guilt I feel from those decisions on a regular basis, but I thought that he knew me better than that. I had hoped that he would be a bit more understanding and compassionate. I know that he is a bit rough around the edges, but I do have some thick skin when it comes to dealing with other people. I think part of it is that typically I would just brush the person off and put a wall between us. I don't want to do that with him. I want to keep this relationship. However, I have learned that at least in this instance, I will have to keep him at arm's length. That does sadden me a bit, but there is nothing more I can do. I cannot force him to understand and I certainly cannot get him to feel my pain. So much of me wants to try just one more time, but to what avail?

Ironically, this is just yet another "consequence" of my sin. This part of my life has interfered, at best, and destroyed relationships along the way. From both sides of the coin. I am so thankful for a new friend at church that has walked through a similar situation. She is being an amazing encouragement to me. As far as my other friend, I just have to "cut my losses" so to speak. This will be the first of those topics that I cannot discuss with him. It's too bad really, I have enjoyed the openness in this relationship. I guess I knew it had to come to an end.

unclean sanctuary

My sanctuary has been tarnished. I don't know that it will ever be the same. How could he come and force his way into my sacred space? What on earth made her think that this was a good idea? This place of joy and peace and love was shattered the minute I saw his face there. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. Of all the places for the two of them to go, why here. Why drive out of your way and invade that which I hold so closely to my heart. What kind of man does that? What kind of brass balls does it take to show up to your ex-wife's church function with your girlfriend in tow? I want to scream. I want to throw up. This was the one thing in my life that he had not ruined for me. The one thing that he had not touched and now even that is gone. And then, my friend, my confidant, he tells me that "there are consequences to our sin and sometimes they are very painful". Really? That's what you are going to tell me? I wanted to reach across the table and shake him and scream, "Don't you think that I know that? Don't you realize I live with these consequences every single day? Don't you see that this was the ONE area that was not completely permeated with reminders of all the mistakes I have made and how I have forever altered my life and the lives of my children? Really? Do you think that I need yet another place for my guilt to overwhelm me? Do you not get it all?" It hurt so badly. I already felt so raw watching them hold hands and talk and laugh with people that have become like family to me and then the one person I thought would understand gives me that crap?!

I feel so weak and honestly beat down. I am drained from forcing my smile as I watch this serpent slither through my "holy of holies". Some may think that I am over-reacting, but this cut to my heart. The joy I have known in this place and with these people will be changed. I ache.

Yes, my friend, my confidant, we will finish this conversation and I will shake you. You care for me and love me yet you have no idea the pain that pours from my heart this night. You have been so blessed to have this kind of evil touch your life. It's time to wake up and see the devastation that divorce leaves behind. Not just the obvious, but the inner turmoil and the agony that never really goes away. Step out of your world and just get a glimpse of mine. Just for a moment. You will never be the same. And I can guarantee you that you will not be so quick to talk about someone else's consequences to sin.

insomnia

Yep. Insomnia sucks. Just a few months ago I slept like a baby waking up before my alarm ever went off. I felt rested on a regular basis. What changed?

past 2 days

So very tired. It's been a draining couple of days. Things turned out good though. I talked to my brother and found out that it wasn't him that had accessed it. The person who had admitted it and was very remorseful and embarrassed. I'm so grateful that it wasn't my brother, but still, I ache for this other young man. Something I didn't expect from all of this is that this has really made me re-examine my own spiritual walk. God has really been dealing with me about being sincere in my faith and truly surrendering everything to Him. Not easy stuff I must say. Needed though. Very much needed. On a side note, I have realized that God led me to the home we have now just as the need was becoming dire. I have no doubt that He will lead us to our next home as well. I will do my part and scrimp and save (more than I already do) to try to afford something nicer, but God is really going to have to work this one out. No doubts. He is faithful

In His embrace

It's been a while. Today was a bit of a rough day and it's only 4 pm. Okay, maybe a rough afternoon. I woke up this morning at 1:30 am and never managed to get any more sleep. Somehow I never bothered with breakfast for myself and I forgot my lunch. So I go into work and that was actually good. A little overwhelming at first since I was out for three days last week with sick kids and there is a lot to get caught up on, but that wasn't bad. Plus my boss was in a really good mood and I just enjoy his joy. So despite the lack of food and sleep, the day was off to a good start. This afternoon however the first thing hit. I have a friend that is very close to me. Almost like a big brother, well, A LOT like a big brother. In the process of seeing him today, I inadvertently stumbled across some porn on his computer. I felt absolutely ill. Not because I have this delusion of him being perfect (although I respect him greatly), but just the fact that I was brought face to face with his sin. I know that this is a battle that most men fight and fight vigilantly throughout their lives, but it was very different knowing that he had looked at this. I still hold him in high regard and I have not lost respect for him, at all. Sin is sin. I certainly would be humiliated if he knew some of my sins. The thought almost immediately went through my mind that I had to say something to him. Not at the time, I couldn't because there was someone else around. I don't want to say anything to him, but he and I have a relationship where we talk about just about everything. We spent time just this weekend talking about some questions I had regarding a passage of Scripture. My mind was racing and stuck in slow motion at the same time. Why would God allow me of all people to see this? Do I really have to talk to him about this? How on earth do I start such a conversation? What will he do? How will he react? Will the embarrassment of this change our relationship at all? Why did God allow me to see this? Ugh. All at once I felt completely drained of what energy I had. At least I wasn't hungry anymore because my appetite was completely gone. I went ahead and said good bye to him, never letting him know that anything was bothering me. Again, it was not the time or place to say anything to him. With a headache beginning to pound in my head, I tried to unravel all my thoughts I drove quietly home. I get home, throw a load of laundry in and as I start back up my landlord stops me. She hands me a letter stating that by June 15, 2010, I will have to move out. If you have followed this blog at all, you know how much I love it here. Not just for the fact that we are out on a farm, but this couple took me and my kids in and agreed to let me pay them a ridiculously cheap rent so that we could get by and have a safe place to live. It was never meant to be a real long term situation (they are older and not used to having tenants on a long term basis), but it was a God-send. I have fallen in love with the country and I never want to go back to the city. However, speaking in earthly terms, I can not afford anything else but a very small apartment in the not so good section of the city. I am trying not to let this stress me out. I know that God is in control and none of this catches Him by surprise, but it not very easy to see where He is leading. My headache is getting close to a full blown migraine at this point. I need sleep, I need food, I need to rest in His arms with all of this. He will lead me to a safe home for my family. He will direct me as I talk to my brother. I am so weary just thinking about all of this. I have no choice but to rest in His embrace. Give me strength Father. Hold my heart. Hold my brother's heart. Draw us both to You tonight.

Old habits die hard. With a little determination, okay a lot of determination, a lot of prayer and some good old stubborn Syrian blood, this will be defeated. A new day. Tomorrow is a new day.

security blanket

I still love sleeping in his shirt even though he is gone. Even after three years and many washes, slipping it on I can still smell him.

Bittersweet

Bittersweet. That's the word I will use. I love going to work each day. I cannot stress that enough. I honestly enjoy working with my boss and for the most part enjoy the work that I do. I work in an ideal location where I look out over a pond and in the back there are soybean fields (soon to be wheat fields which I love!). This job has been like a great boyfriend: any job after this will always be compared to it and will never live up to it. However, once in a while there is another side to this perfection that gets to me. The wife. I think the world of my boss' wife and we interact very well together. The problem is not her, it's what she represents. I will walk into the house for something and she will be baking something or being reading to the kids or homeschooling her children. She will walk outside and go hang up laundry on the clothes line. She will stop in the office to tell my boss something about the family or that she's headed out to the store. Then there the times when my boss will run into the house to talk to her or go outside to say something to her before she leaves. She's a wonderful woman, and I envy her through and through. Most days it's no big deal. Such is life. But then there are days (such as today) that for some reason every little thing is like a dagger to my heart. I long to be able to be home with my children. To homeschool them and sit with them and talk with them throughout the day. To do stupid little things like hang up the laundry on the line on days besides Saturday. I crave my children. I miss them throughout the day and I absolutely ache to give them a better life. But with my boss' wife, it even goes beyond that. She makes me miss being a wife. I by no means miss the marriage, but I miss being someone's wife. The kids could care less if we have mac and cheese for dinner or if we have a roast and salad and fresh baked bread. I used to love planning out meals around my husband's taste. I used to try to plan that when he walked in the door I would be taking fresh bread or his favorite pie out of the oven so that those smells would great him at the door. I used to enjoy picking up the house right before he came home and making sure that even if I wasn't wearing make up I was presentable to him. Such stupid little things I know, but I miss that. Not that he ever noticed or even seemed to care, but I always wanted my home to be a sanctuary for him. A place that he could come home and feel safe, relaxed and at ease. I don't know. Maybe I tried so hard because he if he did come home he didn't stay long. When my son was still a baby I would meet my husband at the door in some sexy little thing. Well, I did that until one night he came home after I had spent all this time devising a little fantasy thing for us and when I greeted him at the door all dressed up he literally pushed past me and went and sat down in the living room and turned the TV on. He didn't even acknowledge me. That was the end of that. Ugh. I have made so many stupid mistakes in my life. I wish that I would have just followed God faithfully. I would have never married that man. My life would be so very different right now had I trusted His direction. So seeing my boss' wife being able to be this wonderful mother and Christian wife is just a reminder of all that I sacrificed and what I will never have. I hate that I will never remarry and have that chance again to love a man and make a home for my family. Sorry for the pity party. Just feeling a bit bittersweet.

Weary & anxious

I woke up this morning before the alarm ever went off. It's not that I was well rested (am I ever?), but because I had this overwhelming feeling of nausea in the pit of my stomach. I knew right away that it was anxiety, not the flu. What did I have to be this anxious about? There are always stresses and worries, but it is very rare that I feel this level of anxiety. I did my quiet time and kept trying to shake it, but it hung like fog over me and all around me. I headed into the shower and it all hit me. Tomorrow my daughter starts school. I am very excited for her and it will be so good for her. However, this marks the beginning of the end. My ex-husband and I separated when my daughter was only four months old. So from the age of four months, she has been in some sort of childcare while I worked. There was this part of me that thought that I would remarry fairly soon after my divorce and that I would once again be a stay at home mom. I have always struggled with the fact that my daughter has been partially raised by various childcare providers. With her starting school tomorrow, it signals the end of her "carefree" years. No longer will I have the option to keep her home if I have a day off of work. I have lost those precious years that most moms get to spend with their kids. They are gone. She is now headed for school and all I get is the summer (which I still have to work through). All these thoughts overwhelmed and for the first time in a very long time I completely broke down. I sobbed. The tears ran from my eyes and my body shook. Everything within me ached. And then there it was. My old friend returned. Guilt. Guilt that I have not been enough for my kids. Guilt that I will never be able to be enough, that I will never be able to be the kind of mom I always wanted to be. Guilt that my children will always have to settle for second best. If I had not married so spontaneously. If I had followed God's will in my choice for a spouse. If I. . . .it never ends. The guilt and the anxiety sent me tumbling to the ground. I was being beat down by invisible fists and I was too weak to stand. Somewhere in the midst of it all I hear this very small voice say "I am sufficient". I want to believe. I want to trust that despite the circumstances that surround my children's childhood God will bless them and strengthen them. I want to believe. Some days are just too hard. So I head into today feeling very small and very weary. My eyes burn. My heart aches.

Time to say goodbye

Today was our last Sunday at the church we have called home for over a decade. We are going to start attending a church closer to our home that we have started becoming increasingly involved with over the past year. Our "home" church only has services on Sunday mornings while this new church offers Sunday morning and evening services as well as AWANA on Weds. nights for the kids and prayer meeting for the adults. Over the past year, I have felt a pull towards this church. It is more conservative than what I am used to, but it has challenged me to open mind a little bit more. I have grown to love this church and I have watched as my children have been embraced, loved, encouraged and supported in ways that I have longed and prayed for since my ex-husband left. I have no doubt that this is the right decision. However, as I sat in church today knowing it was our last Sunday I had two very different feelings. First, I realized more and more how I have begun to see our new church more as our home church. I felt almost as though I was a visitor there today. Second, a sorrow fell over me looking around at the people that I love seeing week to week. I know that we will still keep in touch, but I do love these people and look forward to that face to face contact. To give a hug, a kiss, a touch, those things don't transfer via facebook and e-mail. One thing that caught me off guard today though was saying goodbye to the man that still holds a piece of my heart. The only time we see each other is in church and although our relationship has long been over, there is still a gentle fondness of each other. We honestly want the best for each other. He adores my kids and still greets them and hugs them whenever he sees them. He looks at me with a gentle support that I love. I told him of our decision to leave and he encouraged me that this other church is a great church and he is sure that I will be fed and encouraged there. I found out that he has a brother that attends that church as well. We spoke a bit more, exchanged hugs and left. When he walked away, I felt tears trying to sting my eyes. I guess there has always been a comfort in knowing that he was there. I still care for this man. As I look back over it, I loved this man like I have loved no other. I loved my husband greatly, but love was always mixed with extreme pain. I loved my fiance' before that, but it was a young love. This man stole my heart. It's been almost 4 years and I still love seeing his smile. I know that our chance of making anything of "us" is long past gone, but I have loved being able to stay in touch with him. He does not own a computer (he doesn't see the point) so there is no e-mail or facebook. So for him, I really felt as though this was an ending. The possibility is there of course that I will see him again, but I am not expecting to see him anytime soon. So I walked out of church today, and drove away with tears in my eyes, not only for him, but for all those that I will miss. This church has been my home for over a decade. They have stood with my through a very difficult marriage, my heart breaking divorce and my journey into single motherhood. For that I am sorrowful for leaving it behind, but there is an excitement about getting fully involved with this new church. My children have thrived at this church and it has been so very good for me. So it really is with mixed emotions that I leave. I just know that it is time to say goodbye.

Simplicity

Today was a good day. I made over 300 buckeyes for a wedding and still managed to do the housework and spend time with the kids. My highlight of the day had to be when I went out to hang linens on the line, which I love to do anyway, but I still had my apron on from doing the buckeyes. (I love this apron because I bought it in Amish country and it is simply beautiful.) I overheard my son say to our landlord, "Those are my mom's cooking clothes. She's making hundreds of buckeyes so she has to wear her cooking clothes. I love my mommy's buckeyes." A smile formed on my lips and traveled all the way to my heart. That moment exemplified all that I want to capture. I do long for that simplified life of doing housework, loving my kids and baking to my heart's content. While I was out running errands today, we saw a road side stand where an Amish family was selling baskets. There was a hint of envy that ran through me. I know I am idealizing the life of the Amish, but, I long for my life to be one of simplicity. My favorite place to go is a little bed and breakfast in Amish country run by a Minnonite couple where there is nothing but beauty and quiet. No TVs, no phones, no wireless internet in every room. I long to go back. I usually go in the fall (my fav season) but last year because of finances, I could not go. I honestly missed it. That weekend away seems to recharge me for the year. I love sleeping deeply and waking early. Walking the grounds and watching the sun rise over the hills. Sitting on a swing and hearing nothing but the clip clop of a horse and buggy going down the remote road. I love living where I do right now, but when I move, I long to move even farther out. I don't want to be able to hear my neighbors at all. I don't want to hear any traffic. I long to listen to the crickets in the evening and the birds in the morning. I long to stay home with my children. That is one I never see happening. The choices I have made in the past have led to consequences which will prevent that from ever happening. All I ever wanted was to be a wife and mother. I wanted to raise my children and be there to greet them each day after school (if they went to school and I didn't homeschool them, which given the chance, I do believe I would homeschool). I am richly blessed. God has done miraculous things in my heart this past year. I feel as though this is just the beginning. I feel as though I am getting a glimpse of the woman God may want me to be. There is still so much clutter that I need to cut out of my life and out of my heart. Father, continue to strip away all that is unnecessary and guide my eyes and heart to You and Your will alone.

Soon

I'm not sure what to write, I just know that I have to. Early this morning I was informed that a woman from my church was struck and killed by a car last night. It hit me like a punch in the stomach. She and her husband go walking in the evening together and last night he opted not to go. They live out on a country road, very much like mine. A teenage boy was speeding and hit her. She has four children. She is a wonderful Christian woman who always had a smile on her face. Although I was not very close with this woman, I literally feel sick. I feel sick for her children, for her husband, for our church, and for the boy that struck her. I hate death. This was never supposed to be a part of our lives. When God created us, He created us as eternal beings. We were never meant to feel this pain. I'm ready to go home. I'm so tired of the pain in this life, and I have a wonderful life and I know that. But every time something like this happens I simply long to be in Heaven. After my uncle's death last fall, death is not "just a part of life" for me anymore. It is a tear your world apart, deep in your soul kind of ache. People talk about trying to live to their 100 or whatever. Not me. I have no desire whatsoever to live that long. If God so wills it, I would love to see my grandchildren born, but after that, take me home. Why on earth would I want to stay in this place when I have Heaven waiting for me. I totally understand Paul's dilemma. I have to stay here now because I have two precious children to raise and guide and teach about our Lord. That is my job and my ministry. They were given to me for that reason alone. And they bring me untold joy. But, Heaven, Heaven is where I am with my precious Saviour. There is no more pain, no death, no grieving, no sin, no tears. There is just my Father. I long for the first time to see His beautiful face. To physically feel the warmth of His embrace. To look into my Saviour's eyes and be overcome with the love He has for me. To touch the scars in His hands and finally understand the sacrifice He made for me. I am so thankful that she and my uncle are there now, but for the ones left behind, there is no earthly comfort. The only possible comfort can only come from our Father Himself. A friend quoted a verse that is well known but from the Message which puts it in a totally different light. It reads: "You're blessed when you feel you have lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you." Matt 5:4. I will never understand the sorrow God allows us to feel. The only comfort that I have is that I know that the pain we feel here on earth is felt also by our Saviour. He loves us more than any of us could ever comprehend. As a parent, there is nothing like seeing your child in pain. We love our children with an earthly, imperfect love. Our Father's love is perfect and so much greater. How much greater then is the pain that He feels when He sees our hearts breaking. I ache with all that is within me to see yet another family be forced to deal with this. Please Father, wrap Your loving arms around each one in pain right now. Hold them close. Help to remind them, that You are not only the majestic King of the universe, but You are their Abba, their Daddy. And Father, soon. Please come soon.

why do i do these things? will i ever learn? will this ever stop? will there be a day when i can close this door and never look back? i can't wait for next weekend. going out. going to have a couple drinks. going to have a great time. still can't shake this feeling though

3 words & a baby

Another thing I realized I'm losing by staying single. I will never hear the words "I love you" from a man again. My kids tell me they love me and so does my family from time to time, but I will never have a man say those words to me again. I will never have a man love me like that again. It is such a great feeling to be loved in that unique, precious way. I will miss that greatly.
The other thing comes as a bit of a surprise to me. I was at church Sunday and there was a mom with a young baby. As I watched her with that baby, that motherly love comes flooding over me and I have that craving for a child in my arms. So many people have told me that they had always pictured me with several children. I am so grateful for my two kids, but I would have loved to have more. Even by adoption. But that is another thing I will never know again. Watching that mother and baby, tears started to well up in my eyes and soon they spilled down my cheeks. I quickly tried to regain my composure, but a feeling of great loss overwhelmed my heart.
I know that I am following God in this, and He will bless me for it. He will sustain me. He will hold my heart.

Not alone

I looked back over my blog a little bit and back to the beginning. I reread my blogs about the sexual assault. All of those emotions came rushing back to the surface. I don't think I will ever be able to think about that night without feeling sick. I mean, it's been over a decade and I still feel this way. Anyway, I thought of something though. I question the evil that abounds in this world and how God can restrain Himself from just vaporizing some people I will never understand. I certainly don't understand why He allowed that evil to come and tear apart my heart that night. I do know this though, I would face anything and go through anything before allowing my children to be hurt. I would go through rape again if given the choice of my rape or my children being hurt or abused. There is no question, I would always choose my children over myself. Thankfully, my children have never been seriously hurt. However, I know one child that was tortured, literally, and eventually killed. That child was Jesus. His father had to sit back and watch the cruelty and evil being thrust upon His Son. No parent out there can comprehend that amount of pain. It's a wonder God didn't just destroy the world at that point. I say all this to say this: God honestly understands the evil that comes into our lives. He gets it. He has been there. It has torn His great heart in two. There is something about knowing that, that helps me cope a little better. And you know what, He saw what happened to me, and He loves me. That night hurt Him just as much as it hurt me. That knowledge doesn't necessarily diminish the pain at all, but I don't feel quite so alone in this pain. And that, that helps.

home sweet home

we just got back from our family vacation and we had a great time. we were pretty busy trying a bunch of new things, but it was relaxing as well, although i'm still tired. i think the thing i enjoyed the most by far was just being able enjoy the kids. there were no dishes, no laundry, no cooking, no errands to run and obviously no job to go to. i could just spend each day, every day with my kids enjoying the beautiful little people they are. it really was a wonderful week. we played together and laughed together and had new adventures together. i am so grateful we were able to go. i am also grateful to be back home. i got home just in time to see the wheat again before they harvest it tomorrow. i actually missed the fields of corn and wheat and the open country. a vacation is a great break from the daily grind and much needed, but there is nothing like home. even with it's imperfections and stresses, home is home. it is a sanctuary. tonight i took the time to take some pictures of the wheat field just so that i can enjoy the beauty of it even after it has all been harvested. i am not looking forward to looking out at a bare field. i wish i had the ability to capture the smell, the texture, the feel of the wheat and the country in general in photos. i am certainly not talented in that area. i hope that i can always remember the joy that i have when looking out across those amber fields. yes, vacation was wonderful and i will miss the "free" time i had with my kids, but home is still the sweetest place on earth!

my "city" is showing

There is part of me that wants to hang on to a little bit of my "city". Over the weekend I went out to lunch with a friend at one of my favorite restaurants. We enjoyed the wonderful food, the exquisite desserts and a sweet blush wine. It was wonderful. It just served to remind me that I still love some things about the city. I do enjoy having a fine dinner and a glass of wine. I love the fine arts of theater, opera, ballet, etc... Those are just some things that I will continue to hold on to. I love the country and the life that goes with it, but there will still be this string connecting me to the city.

Erotic

Something else that I will miss by never remarrying is being able to be erotic. Not just sex, although that has been and will continue to be difficult, but the day to day sexiness. Every girl has those things that she only wears at home. The little track shorts that are way too short to wear out, or the cute little top that is way too revealing. That's stuff that just stays in the house, which is fine, but part of the fun of wearing things like that at home it to turn your husband on. Without a husband I don't get that privilege. This may sound so stupid to some people, but just realize that for me to be a good woman, I need to dress in a modest, somewhat conservative manner. I have to dress so as to not turn a man on. I don't get the chance to be erotic and to be the object of desire for a man. Part of the issue is that I honestly love sex. I enjoy it. I love being that close with a man, feeling that connection, feeling beautiful, feeling free. Sex is great. It is fun and can be mind-blowing. Part of the fun of sex is what leads up to it. I love the fun of turning a man on. Of kissing him suggestively when he's not expecting it, of dressing in a way that even if I'm just washing dishes all he can think of is how soon he can get at me, of walking past him and slapping his ass, of fulfilling his secret fantasies, of trying something new, of dressing up in some costume, oh and the best, buying new lingerie that I know he will love. I loved doing that kind of stuff when I was married (and with that one boyfriend). I feel like I have lost something intrinsically feminine by losing the chance to be sexy. To be a godly woman I must never strive to arouse a man again. How sad is that? It's something so simple that I think most women take for granted, but I feel like with this realization I have lost part of what makes me a woman. To always have to be dressed perfectly and to always be cautious of my actions and how they may be perceived by a man. I just miss it and will continue to miss it. It's not just giving up sex, it's giving up all forms of eroticism, of being flirtatious, of being desired. I will never know that look from a man again. That look that is filled with desire and overcome by love. I'm sorry, but that is a loss. It would be so much easier to stay single had I never experienced any of this in the past. Just another way that God's way is best.

I don't understand. Why now, why her, why this way? I still feel so raw from the last loss that has already shattered our world. I don't want to hear any more bad news. I'm tired of it all. And this is the day that I work with the attorney and deal with death and divorce. I really want to go to my other job. Work with my other boss. Be encouraged. He would find a way for me to laugh. But no, it's Friday and and that means the attorney job. That means that I paste a smile on my face and pretend that all is well. That my stomach is not turning as I work through files of people simply disposing of their spouses or fighting with their siblings over who gets what from their parents' estate. I'm just not up for it. I'm ready for Saturday. I'm ready for Him to come back.