temptation and confession

My old temptation came out of no where again today. Having a great day and BAM. Ugh. I fought with all that is within me, but I wonder, why today. I have done so well with walking away from it all and then today it all came flooding back. It was like I was the same place I had been several months ago. Even now as I write this, thoughts are swirling in my mind. . . what if, just for a moment, I went down this road again? Would it really be that bad? Just a taste, a hint, a touch of this particular temptation. So frustrating. I have done so very well walking away from it all and now it's back and I feel like I can't shake it. It is just staring me in the face. No one knows of this particular temptation. I have kept it very well hidden. Maybe that is part of the problem. Maybe I should talk to someone. Yeah, that's not going to happen though. I'm not up for the "classification" that would come with confessing something like this. At times like this, I almost wish that I was Catholic so that I could go to a priest and confess.

It's official. I have lost my joy. Wednesday night prayer meetings have always been such a joy for me, but tonight it was different. I am worried and I can't shake it. I am doubting God. I have to move next year, which originally I was planning on doing anyway, but I found out yesterday that although the local school does provide all day Kindergarten, it is tuition based. I was counting on not having to pay tuition or childcare next year. And get this, the tuition is higher than what I am paying for my daughter's preschool this year! I am not doubting that God will provide a place to live, I am just thinking that it will be a tiny two bedroom apartment far away from work and church. Or worse, in the city. My aunt is trying to get me to buy this rediculously cheap mobile home just because it is so cheap. It is a two bedroom that needs work and it's in the junky park where it is just these homes parked on concrete. No grass, no area for the kids to play, about 3o minutes from church and 40 minutes from work, but she's convinced that I should take it. It's what I can afford after all. That right there is my fear. That that is what I will be stuck with. God says that He will provide our needs, not our wants. That trailer would provide shelter for us, that is a need. Yet it is nothing that I would ever want. There was this house that my boss was considering buying and renting out to me that I was in love with. A three bedroom ranch, two car attached garage, a full finished basement, 4 acres of land (surrounded by farm land that my boss would also buy and farm), literally 2 minutes from church and about 5 minutes from work. I fell in love with it! Now it looks like it is falling through. Even if it didn't fall through, I couldn't afford to rent it with this added tuition expense next year. Yes, my joy is gone. Doubt has taken over. I feel selfish and petty and oh so distant from Him right now. For the first time in a very long time, I am not content. This feels so strange and just ucky. :(

Days like this

I am definitely having one of those days. One of those days that I would love to have a husband. A man to support me, encourage me, love me and provide me with added strength. A man to bring joy into my life. A man to be a shield of protection for me and for my children. It's just one of those days. I understand that God is the husband to the husbandless and father to the fatherless, and He has proven Himself to be just that time and time again. But on days like today, I feel the need for a man of flesh, bone and muscle to be here. To feel his arms around me and to know that no matter what, we are in this together. I hate days like this. I hate feeling so weak and powerless. I hate longing for something that I don't have and very well may never have. "I need you Jesus, to come to my rescue. Where else can I go?" How do I get through days like this?

Protection

I will not throw up. I am trying to trust. I am trying to rest in His arms, but on days like today, it seems very difficult. I do all that I can to protect my children but unfortunately I have to let them go where they are not as protected. It is then that I have to trust Him. This makes no sense I know. Last night I found out that my former step-son and his family have moved back to the area. I loved this boy as my own. He was however molested by a member of my ex-husband's family. His mother never dealt with it (and neither did the family of the molester and the main reason I try to distance my children from that family as much as possible). On top of his molestation, he has been exposed to pornography on a regular basis since he was a young child. It doesn't take a genius to realize that it is very likely that he will repeat the actions taken on him. Now that he has moved back to the area, my ex-husband wants to have my children and my former step-son together for joint visitations. I have no legal ground to stand on. My ex-husband is not exactly an involved parent, even when he has the kids there. They are typically fed McDonald's and pizza and left to play video games and watch TV. It would be very easy for something to happen to one of my children. I know he thinks that I'm paranoid, but I don't think I am being so. If my step-son had received counseling and lived in a healthy family environment, I would not be near as concerned. I just want my ex to realize that the possibility is there. I think he views his son as just an innocent little boy still, but he is going to be 13 in a couple of months (the age that the molester was) and since he has not been given the tools to deal with this trauma, it is very likely that he will act out what he has been exposed to. Ugh, I feel so nauseous. I literally woke up this morning wanting to puke. I scheduled a "friendly" dinner for Friday night to meet with my ex and his fiance' where I am going to try and address my concerns. I don't know how it will be received. I want my tone to be positive but I want the seriousness of the situation to be understood. Oh, and I don't want to throw up, which I still feel like doing. Father help me.