Weary & anxious

I woke up this morning before the alarm ever went off. It's not that I was well rested (am I ever?), but because I had this overwhelming feeling of nausea in the pit of my stomach. I knew right away that it was anxiety, not the flu. What did I have to be this anxious about? There are always stresses and worries, but it is very rare that I feel this level of anxiety. I did my quiet time and kept trying to shake it, but it hung like fog over me and all around me. I headed into the shower and it all hit me. Tomorrow my daughter starts school. I am very excited for her and it will be so good for her. However, this marks the beginning of the end. My ex-husband and I separated when my daughter was only four months old. So from the age of four months, she has been in some sort of childcare while I worked. There was this part of me that thought that I would remarry fairly soon after my divorce and that I would once again be a stay at home mom. I have always struggled with the fact that my daughter has been partially raised by various childcare providers. With her starting school tomorrow, it signals the end of her "carefree" years. No longer will I have the option to keep her home if I have a day off of work. I have lost those precious years that most moms get to spend with their kids. They are gone. She is now headed for school and all I get is the summer (which I still have to work through). All these thoughts overwhelmed and for the first time in a very long time I completely broke down. I sobbed. The tears ran from my eyes and my body shook. Everything within me ached. And then there it was. My old friend returned. Guilt. Guilt that I have not been enough for my kids. Guilt that I will never be able to be enough, that I will never be able to be the kind of mom I always wanted to be. Guilt that my children will always have to settle for second best. If I had not married so spontaneously. If I had followed God's will in my choice for a spouse. If I. . . .it never ends. The guilt and the anxiety sent me tumbling to the ground. I was being beat down by invisible fists and I was too weak to stand. Somewhere in the midst of it all I hear this very small voice say "I am sufficient". I want to believe. I want to trust that despite the circumstances that surround my children's childhood God will bless them and strengthen them. I want to believe. Some days are just too hard. So I head into today feeling very small and very weary. My eyes burn. My heart aches.

Time to say goodbye

Today was our last Sunday at the church we have called home for over a decade. We are going to start attending a church closer to our home that we have started becoming increasingly involved with over the past year. Our "home" church only has services on Sunday mornings while this new church offers Sunday morning and evening services as well as AWANA on Weds. nights for the kids and prayer meeting for the adults. Over the past year, I have felt a pull towards this church. It is more conservative than what I am used to, but it has challenged me to open mind a little bit more. I have grown to love this church and I have watched as my children have been embraced, loved, encouraged and supported in ways that I have longed and prayed for since my ex-husband left. I have no doubt that this is the right decision. However, as I sat in church today knowing it was our last Sunday I had two very different feelings. First, I realized more and more how I have begun to see our new church more as our home church. I felt almost as though I was a visitor there today. Second, a sorrow fell over me looking around at the people that I love seeing week to week. I know that we will still keep in touch, but I do love these people and look forward to that face to face contact. To give a hug, a kiss, a touch, those things don't transfer via facebook and e-mail. One thing that caught me off guard today though was saying goodbye to the man that still holds a piece of my heart. The only time we see each other is in church and although our relationship has long been over, there is still a gentle fondness of each other. We honestly want the best for each other. He adores my kids and still greets them and hugs them whenever he sees them. He looks at me with a gentle support that I love. I told him of our decision to leave and he encouraged me that this other church is a great church and he is sure that I will be fed and encouraged there. I found out that he has a brother that attends that church as well. We spoke a bit more, exchanged hugs and left. When he walked away, I felt tears trying to sting my eyes. I guess there has always been a comfort in knowing that he was there. I still care for this man. As I look back over it, I loved this man like I have loved no other. I loved my husband greatly, but love was always mixed with extreme pain. I loved my fiance' before that, but it was a young love. This man stole my heart. It's been almost 4 years and I still love seeing his smile. I know that our chance of making anything of "us" is long past gone, but I have loved being able to stay in touch with him. He does not own a computer (he doesn't see the point) so there is no e-mail or facebook. So for him, I really felt as though this was an ending. The possibility is there of course that I will see him again, but I am not expecting to see him anytime soon. So I walked out of church today, and drove away with tears in my eyes, not only for him, but for all those that I will miss. This church has been my home for over a decade. They have stood with my through a very difficult marriage, my heart breaking divorce and my journey into single motherhood. For that I am sorrowful for leaving it behind, but there is an excitement about getting fully involved with this new church. My children have thrived at this church and it has been so very good for me. So it really is with mixed emotions that I leave. I just know that it is time to say goodbye.

Simplicity

Today was a good day. I made over 300 buckeyes for a wedding and still managed to do the housework and spend time with the kids. My highlight of the day had to be when I went out to hang linens on the line, which I love to do anyway, but I still had my apron on from doing the buckeyes. (I love this apron because I bought it in Amish country and it is simply beautiful.) I overheard my son say to our landlord, "Those are my mom's cooking clothes. She's making hundreds of buckeyes so she has to wear her cooking clothes. I love my mommy's buckeyes." A smile formed on my lips and traveled all the way to my heart. That moment exemplified all that I want to capture. I do long for that simplified life of doing housework, loving my kids and baking to my heart's content. While I was out running errands today, we saw a road side stand where an Amish family was selling baskets. There was a hint of envy that ran through me. I know I am idealizing the life of the Amish, but, I long for my life to be one of simplicity. My favorite place to go is a little bed and breakfast in Amish country run by a Minnonite couple where there is nothing but beauty and quiet. No TVs, no phones, no wireless internet in every room. I long to go back. I usually go in the fall (my fav season) but last year because of finances, I could not go. I honestly missed it. That weekend away seems to recharge me for the year. I love sleeping deeply and waking early. Walking the grounds and watching the sun rise over the hills. Sitting on a swing and hearing nothing but the clip clop of a horse and buggy going down the remote road. I love living where I do right now, but when I move, I long to move even farther out. I don't want to be able to hear my neighbors at all. I don't want to hear any traffic. I long to listen to the crickets in the evening and the birds in the morning. I long to stay home with my children. That is one I never see happening. The choices I have made in the past have led to consequences which will prevent that from ever happening. All I ever wanted was to be a wife and mother. I wanted to raise my children and be there to greet them each day after school (if they went to school and I didn't homeschool them, which given the chance, I do believe I would homeschool). I am richly blessed. God has done miraculous things in my heart this past year. I feel as though this is just the beginning. I feel as though I am getting a glimpse of the woman God may want me to be. There is still so much clutter that I need to cut out of my life and out of my heart. Father, continue to strip away all that is unnecessary and guide my eyes and heart to You and Your will alone.