I miss seeing that look in a man's eyes. A look I will never know again.

one more gone

So I realized something else last night. One more little thing that I am giving up by staying single, is the joy of cooking for someone. I love to plan out meals and to work to provide a great dinner for a man. When I was married, I used to love making a pie or baking bread just before my husband would get home so that he would walk into a house that smells wonderful. Not that he would even notice. I still loved filling my home with sweet scents of apple pie and italian bread. It may sound silly, but trust me, I want to work to make something that someone truly enjoys. My kids enjoy speghetti and mac and cheese. I want to know what my husband's favorites foods are and come up with creative recipes that he would love. I want to create a home that when he walks in the door, it is a sanctuary for him. The sights, the sounds, the smells, everything.

it must be spring

I so got hit on today. I ran to the grocery store right after work and I kept running into this guy that was giving me this goofy grin. As I was leaving, he was leaving too and he asked me if I drank wine. No, seriously. He then proceeded to get his card out of his wallet and tell me that he does "wine parties" and he would love to do one for me. He then pointed out which number was his cell phone. Earlier today some guy pulled up next to me and winked at the stop light. Either I'm having a really good hair day (not so much) or spring is in the air. Anyway, it was a fun little twist to my day and put a smile on my face. :)

no sympathy

Good day today. Different, but good. I actually cooked today. I love to cook but I always said that I won't cook on my birthday or Mother's Day. But today I cooked lunch for my mom and sis and family. It was good though. The only semi-negative thing was that a couple of my facebook friends actually complained about not getting the mother's day gifts they wanted. One was upset because her husband got her the wrong bracelet. Superficial much? Want to know what I got? Two hand-made cards from my kids and big hugs. That's what this day is about. Not just another way to get jewelry out of your husband. I felt like messaging her and telling her to try and envision not having a husband to spoil you rotten. Oh, and she complained that she didn't get to sleep in. Seriously. Get over yourself. Huh, I guess this bothered me more than I realized. I just don't have any sympathy that women complaining about good men. I understand being in a bad marriage, I was there once myself, but complaining about him not buying you something? Nope, no sympathy.

Proverbs 31? Really?

I have noticed the last few days that I am getting up before my alarm goes off in the morning. I wake up feeling as though I have had enough sleep and I'm ready to start my day. At first I tried to explain it away by the fact that since the sun was rising earlier, the light through my skylight was waking me. That didn't hold once I realized that I was getting up before the sun was up and any light was shining in my bedroom. This morning I was up an hour before my alarm. I got up started doing some baking for some friends and some light housework. As I was at my sink washing dishes I looked out my window to see the sun starting to rise. A verse popped into my mind. "She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day's work for her servant girls." Proverbs 31:15. One of the things that always got me about the infamous Proverbs 31 woman is the fact that she is up before dawn and works into the night. I never got how on earth the woman could do and still be all joyful and such. This morning it hit me: she was at peace. A woman at peace can fall into her bed at night exhausted from a days work and sleep deeply, with no worries waking her or disturbing her sleep. Thus, she can awaken in the morning rested and refreshed. My sleeping patterns changed after I came to the conclusion that I am going to remain single. Is this simply my soul coming to peace with what God has intended for me? Am I finally resting in His hand enough that my mind can actually rest at night? It is a great feeling to start the day before anyone else is up and to be able to accomplish so much before the waking of the kids. Is this contentment? If it is, how long will it last? I treasure this feeling and I hope that it will become a normal part of my life. Just another blessing along the broken road I travel. "Father, take my hand and lead me on."

Day by day

So I am quickly realizing that this is going to be a process. I realized today some of the other things I am giving up by not getting re-married. If I am honest with myself, I will probably never own a home, not if I want to send my kids to college. That has so many implications in itself. I will never be able to go into my home and and paint the walls whatever color I want. The kids won't be able to have the pets that they want. I won't be able to have the joy of actually picking out a house and getting the keys to my own home. On top of not owning a home I'm realizing that I will never be able to be a stay at home mom. That has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. One by one God is holding out His hand and asking me to place my dreams in His hands. Do I trust him with ALL of my dreams? The ones that I have never even voiced. The ones that I hold deep in my heart. Can I really trust Him? I have always considered the possibility that I would remain single, but now I see that possibility moving to a probability. That scares me. I hate not knowing. I am a girl that loves a plan. That can see points A, B, and C. And right now I feel like I can even see the very next step. I am understanding that this will be a process. That day by day, dream by dream, I will continue to learn how to trust Him more and release those things that I hold dear.

Cleaning out my closet (and I don't mean the shoes!)

I hate to admit this, but when I first got divorced, I would pick up bridal magazines from time to time and just look through them and mark things that I thought may be useful if I ever re-married. I would dream of the day that I would find a wonderful man to step in beside me and walk with me through the rest of my life. After all these years I have still hung onto them keeping them as a little secret that I was too embarrassed to tell anyone about. Every once in a while I would dig them out and look through them and allow myself to dream a little. This past week things have changed. I am beginning to wonder if all that I have been going through, especially the last year or so, is God's way of preparing me to remain single the rest of my life. Honestly, the thought scares me a little. So many people tell me what a "strong" woman I am, but I feel so very weak and insecure. I really doubt myself quite a bit about just about everything: parenting, finances, employment decisions, church commitment, etc... So the thought of being on my own for the rest of my life seems a little overwhelming. I have no one to bounce ideas off of. Everything rises and falls on my shoulders. But, I'm realizing that that may be what God has for me, and if it is, I will take it. It may be scary, but if He wants me to be a single mom, then that is what is best for me and my kids. Even if I found a great Christian guy to marry, if it's not God's will, then it's second best. I don't want second best. As the song goes, "I'm not settlin' with just getting by/I've had enough so-so for the rest of my life/Tired of shooting to low/ Gonna raise the bar high/Just not given up this time/I ain't settling for anything less than everything" I feel as though I'm standing at the edge of a cliff just waiting for the push to send me over. It looks so scary below, but what if I take that step and instead of falling, I fly? Do I really trust that God will lead me to the absolute best life for me and my kids if I only take His hand? It's all about trusting God with a very unknown future. Am I really willing to do this? As scary as it is, at this moment I am saying yes. Yes I will trust Him and follow Him wherever the road may lead. I'm not living my life on hold just waiting for that "prince" to come riding around the corner and "save" my little family. Yes, I have this amazingly strong heart's desire to be a wife again, but all in all, my biggest heart's desire is for my kids. I want them to grow into an amazing man and an amazing woman after God's own heart. I want them to touch people's lives and be a great power for God's kingdom. I want their little hearts to be sold out to Him. What if it is God's plan for me to raise these little ones without a husband? Dare I act like Moses and say "No, I can't do that!"? No. God created me and He knows my strengths and my many weaknesses. He knows the course best suited for me. So all of that to say that this evening, I dug out those bridal magazines and page by page I burned each and everyone. The flowers, the rings, the flower girl dresses, the colors, the themes, the tuxes, the bridesmaids dresses, the cakes, the favors, and of course, the wedding dresses. They are all gone. Their ashes rose up and where swept away in the wind like a symbolic sacrifice. Gone are the days that I trust but I still hold onto a safety line. I am letting go (again). I am stepping out. I am closing my eyes and stepping off the edge of the cliff. I am praying that I will fly. Here goes nothing.