new blog

I am just starting a new blog that will include crafts, recipes and my typical musings about everyday life. http://simplicity-tr.blogspot.com/

Creativity on Crack

That is what I call Pinterest. I recently discovered Pinterest and I am completely addicted. I have gotten some wonderful ideas from there! And yes . . . I have actually used what I have discovered. About once a week I am using a recipe I found there and the organizational tips are a life saver!! Plus I have made a few crafty-type things! I am not a crafty person either, but there are such simple crafts that I can even do on there. (Case in point: see pics). I love it!

Cooking=Love

Cooking for others = LOVE

and everything came to a screeching halt

I just found out that a former co-worker/friend of mine lost her husband. To suicide. They have 3 children. One a senior in high school and two in college. They were good conservative Christians. She was one of the few people I held in high respect at work. I can't sleep. My head is throbbing. I ache all over for her. I just keep thinking, "What is she going to do?". I simply cannot fathom what she is going through. I'm not close enough to her to call her so I sent her an email. I didn't know what to say. I just ache for her. I cannot imagine the devastation. What is she going to do? How do you move on from your husband killing himself? I don't know how to help her. I keep trying to pray, but all that comes out are cries. I want to hold my husband so much tighter. My issues seem so trivialized after this. I hurt for her. I wonder if there is anyone in my life that is considering such a thing right now. Who can I reach out to? I don't understand. Abba, hold her close. Sustain her. And open my eyes to those struggling around me.

1 - 2 sucker punch

Wow. What a day. Or, really, what an afternoon. The two things that are the most important to me, being a wife and mother, are under attack. First my mother-in-law. She has been critical of me from time to time and I have tried to handle it with grace and understanding. I have tried to take what she has said and evaluate if there is something I need to change. 3 months into our marriage she gave me a book and a letter. The book was about a woman's perspective of life on the farm. In her letter, she stated that she didn't think I understood what farm life was about. I was hurt and offended. However, I read the book and then sat with her for a couple of hours and we had a good talk. I confessed to her that I do feel insecure about the farm life, because this all so new to me. Things seem to be going well. Then a couple weeks ago, little comments were being made. I tried to blow them off and chalk it up to "maybe she didn't mean it that way" kind of thing. One comment (on facebook) last week hit a bit hard and I did respond. I tried to be very respectful, yet stand my ground. She never responded. I then tried to reach out to her by sending little messages to her. She never responded. Then today, I posted a little poster/sign on facebook about teaching our daughters about the kind of man they should marry and raising our sons to be that kind of man. I left the comment that it was simple, but full of truth. This was her response: "Not simple at all. I think my son, your husband is that kind of man. But look at the other end of the spectrum, God gave man a Woman to be his Help Mate , to share his life, to know what he has to do each day and BE a help mate not one who expects him to meet all her needs and she does nothing in return. A famer's wife's job is not contained to the four walls of her home, it includes the day to day work of the farming operation. Would you as a parent not feed , house & get medical care for your children? So it is with being a farmers's wife, you are responsible for seeing that the animals that put food on your table and a roof over your head are cared for, fed, watered, milked, medicated, etc. YOU are responsible for being the help mate to your husband. I think the only thing you read from the book by Connie Oney about farm life was that she was an insecure bride. Being insecure is completely unbibical. Phillippines 4: 13 says" I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength". Put your insecurities aside and do something to help your husband. There are calf chore people needed on the week-end (you are not home schooling then). (My husband) is in charge of the record keeping and he has not had time to finish a single month since your married him. I think the poster should say learn to be a compassionate wife and not expect your husband to do everything for you and you do nothing in return for him. Instead of handing him "to do" list offer what can you do to make his life easier." Wow. I felt like I had been sucker-punched. Tears sprang to my eyes as I reread it, hoping that somehow I wasn't really seeing this. And it was on my wall. For all to see! I have decided that I am just not even going to respond. When my husband gets home tonight I'm going to show it to him. I think that the response needs to come from him. Which will be very hard for him. He does NOT like confrontation. But I don't think I need to go running to her saying, "My husband thinks I am a great wife!". I am trying not to be hurt, but I am. And I am hurt deeply. I would give anything for my husband. He has had some health issues over the past couple months and I have done everything I know to help him. I have tried to care for, and made sure that he rested. I was his advocate to the doctors, spending hours on the phone with them. I did so much that we fell horribly behind in homeschooling and I am still trying to catch up. He is doing much better now, but he is still not back to his full schedule at work. Her words hurt me; they wound me. And, they downright anger me. She has no idea what goes on in this house. I feel like she thinks I sit here on some throne twiddling my thumbs commanding my poor husband to do as I please. How dare she?! Even if I was a horrible, horrible wife does she really think that facebook is the place to tell me that? Doesn't she think that she should take her concerns to me . . . or maybe even her son?! Ugh. How do I handle this? I want to have a good relationship with her, I do. But I can't have her attacking me.

But wait . . . there's more!!

While I am still reeling from that I get a phone call from the ex. He is LIVID because although his child support to me has decreased by almost $200 a month, he is now having to reimburse for medical insurance. This is not my decision. This is coming from the state. This then leads into an absolute attack on me as a mother. His new wife gets on the phone and is literally yelling at me regarding homeschooling the kids. Basically, my children will grow up to be idiots, too sheltered from the world to function. She even criticized their piano teacher. She doesn't understand why the kids aren't reading music yet. They have only had 2 lessons!!! She also was upset that while my children see my husband's family as "family" they don't see her family as "family". Really? They see her family maybe twice a year! My husband's family are active in their lives and they see them all the time. We actually have MONTHLY get-togethers. I finally gave an excuse to get off the phone and hung up.

All of this happened in a span of two hours. I am horribly discouraged. I feel like I am being attacked on all sides. This is after having to enforce some really tough consequences on the kids this weekend as well. I'm going into today emotionally and physically drained and then this is what I face. I feel like Satan is trying his darndest to bring me down. I am so grateful that I have my Heavenly Father to lean on. I desperately need His support, strength and wisdom. I am still really fighting being completely discouraged. It doesn't help that I'm PMSing too. Ugh. I need an extra amount of strength. Father, hold me up, because I can't stand on my own.

First day of school & scared out of my mind

Today is the day that we start homeschooling. Exciting? Yes. Terrifying? Absolutely! This is too important to mess up. It's not that I think I am an idiot and am not able to teach a first and fifth grader, but I am more concerned that things go smoothly. I want this to strengthen, not weaken my relationship with my children. I want them to excel in all areas, not just academically. My husband's alarm goes off every morning at 3:10am (gotta go milk those cows!), but usually I sleep right through it until my alarm goes off at 4:10am. Not today. Not only did I wake up, but as I lay there trying to get back to sleep, a pit started growing in my stomach. Larger and larger until I thought it might consume me. I got up to see my husband. He was still doing his quiet time so I started putting dishes away. As I stood there in the kitchen, the tears began to roll despite my insistence that they not. Stupid, stubborn tears! I finished my job and wiped my eyes all the while trying to keep my fears from my husband, but also wishing that I could collapse in his arms. He asked me if I was staying up and I simply nodded yes (it's not completely uncommon that I get up that early). He asked me what was wrong and I shook my head and said, "I'm fine". I hugged and kissed and sent him out the door. That pit suddenly seemed to overtake me and I found myself following after him in stocking feet. I met up with him in the driveway and finally confided in him all my fears. He reassured me and tried to encourage me. Then he gave me the greatest gift. While wrapped in his embraced, he prayed for me. Standing there in the driveway, he lifted me up to our Heavenly Father. I finally released him and he went on his way (now running late). I am still so very fearful, but I am also so thankful that I have a husband that will support me. I truly am praying that God direct me and somehow that He make this all work for my children's best and His glory. Never before have I felt more like a simple, humble servant that for some reason God has chosen. I don't know if anyone will read this, but if you do, even a year from now, say a prayer that God continue to direct and lead me as I embark on a journey of greatest importance and hopefully of greatest joy.

August 31, 2011

I don't know what to write. I just know that I need to write. I love my husband. He is an amazing man. He blesses me every day. I love my children. Immensely. However, I am keenly aware that I seem to be failing my most important mission: raising my children according to God's Word. On the outside, I know that people think that I have wonderful children. And they are good kids for the most part. But somewhere along the way they have decided that I am not necessarily their authority. They seem to challenge just about everything. Eating dinner, doing chores, cleaning their rooms, etc. I have grown so very weary in the last couple days. I am reading books, seeking advice and praying. And yet, it seems as though I have accomplished nothing. I am just sad. We are supposed to start homeschool on Tuesday and I am very fearful that not only will we not start on time, but that this whole thing will fail and my relationship with my children will be damaged. If I can't get them to clean their rooms, how on earth can I teach them at home? I went out to the store this afternoon and the thought actually crossed my mind that I didn't want to go back home. I just wanted to take a few hours and decompress. To sleep, rest, pray, think and somehow be refreshed. I pulled in the driveway and turned off the car and just sat there for a moment. I turned and looked at the house and thought, "I just don't want to go in there." Then, I start hearing my children yelling at each other. I just wanted to shut down. I feel as though I am running out of options. Again, I know some people would say that I'm being too hard on myself or that I'm asking too much of my children. But I absolutely do not believe that! I believe that my children should be respectful, obedient, responsible and kind. That is not asking too much! That is precisely what a child of God should be (among many other things). This is why I say that I feel as though I am failing. I just feel so weary.

My son just came down and handed me a card that he made. In it he apologized and told me that he loved me. He said that he would work hard. I told him that I appreciated the card, but at the same time, he is supposed to be cleaning his room. Getting his room done in a proper amount of time and doing it right is what I want. As sweet as the card is, I would much rather know that when I ask him to do something, my request will be met with a "Yes, Ma'am" and a prompt act of obedience. That is what I desire.

I work so hard. I try so hard. We have a daily schedule for the kids that includes their chores and personal Bible study. We eat dinner (and most lunches) together as a family every night without fail. We have family devotions every night before bed and then pray with the kids individually when we tuck them in. I plan out our meals (two weeks at a time) to ensure that we have home-cooked, well-balanced meals every night. I feel like I am doing what I should be to provide an environment that should produce healthy, respectful, obedient, responsible children that love and desire to follow our Lord. What am I doing wrong? Where am I failing? How can the "job" that is of supreme importance be the one that I am doing so miserably?

At Your feet, Father. I lay my children and myself at Your feet. I can do no more.

New country wife with a new country life

Wow. I haven't written in a very, very long time. Update: That date I was so excited about, he is now my husband! :-) I was married 4 weeks ago to a dairy farmer. I don't even know where to begin with him. In a nutshell, he honestly is the kind of man that I didn't believe existed. He is so kind and selfless and funny and loving and generous and considerate. For the first time in my life, I feel as though I finally am realizing what it means to be unconditionally loved by a man. There is no fear, no worry, no doubt. He is amazing and God has been so good to bring him to me. I watched as God directed every step and made it obviously clear that He wanted us together.

So, now that I am married, a lot has changed. I quit my job and now am a stay-at-home mom. I LOVE IT!! This fall I will begin homeschooling my children. I am planning on planting one of two gardens this weekend and my M-I-L (the queen of canning) is going to teach me all sorts of canning things. Although I have joked with my husband that I am not a "homegrown country wife", I am looking forward to learning all that I can.

We live on four and a half acres in an old Greek Revival farmhouse. It is beautiful and has lots of "character", meaning, it's an old farmhouse and I keep finding surprises. The farm is located about a mile down the road (his parents live on the farm itself). My husband does two milkings a day at 3:30am and 3:30pm. He works long hours, but has rearranged his schedule to allow more time with family.

Speaking of family, the reason I am up (and not sleeping a wink for the past couple hours) is that my children are gone. This is the first weekend that my children are with their father all weekend long. He has had them overnight many times before, but never a full weekend. I get them back this afternoon, right before our Memorial Day parade. This has been a horribly difficult weekend. I simply ache for my children. My daughter cried and cried when it was time to leave with her dad. I stood on the porch and watched (and listened) as she cried all the way down the driveway on onto the road. As soon as they were out of sight, I doubled over in agony. It broke my heart. They will miss church this morning. I can't seem to wrap my head around going to church without my children. I have a feeling I will be teary most of the way through Sunday School and Worship. I am so thankful to have my husband by my side to hold my hand through this. We have spent so much time in prayer this weekend for these two little ones. Little ones being 10 and 6, but still very much my babies. My ex-husband is saying that he wants to take them for full weekends on a regular basis now. It really makes me sick. Literally. I keep crying out to God to hold them close when I can't and to protect them from the influences over there. But my mother's heart can't seem to let go, even for an hour. I am counting down the hours until I see them again. I want to grab them and hold them and not let go again. This would be easier if i thought that my ex-husband genuinely loved them, but he seems to view them only as either an inconvenience or a way to manipulate his situation. Right now his marriage is "on the rocks" and he seems to think that he can use the kids as a ploy to try and get his wife to stay (he tried this with me with my step-son when we were married many times). It makes me angry to think that he is using them as pawns. He was shown a picture of my children making silly faces at my wedding and he didn't even recognize them. He claimed that he has just never seen them make faces like that and that was why he didn't know who they were. Really? I don't care what kind of face my children make, I think I would know my own kids!! They were just spitting their tongues out and being goofy. Not smashing their faces beyond recognition!

Wow, I miss them. How soon till this is over?