Melting

So I was told over the weekend that fathers need to hug their daughters at least once a day. That there is this natural need in girls and women to have the embrace from a man. If daughters do not get this at home, they will seek it elsewhere. And that literally brought tears to my eyes. First, because my daughter sure doesn't get that. Thankfully a male friend of my has kind of adopted my children and has made a real effort to reach out to them. That includes taking my son to the "men's activities" at church and hugging and loving on my little girl. I am so thankful for him and I don't know that we will ever know what good he is doing for my precious little ones.

That being said, I felt the tears more so for myself. It seriously sucks not having that touch from a man. I am a physical person, a touchy feely person so to speak. When I am with friends, I will touch their backs or arms or wrap my arms around their waists. That's just the way I am. With my children, I am always snuggling them. Even in church, I have noticed that almost always I am touching one or both of my children throughout the service. It is going on 5 years since my husband left. It has been over 3 since I was in a relationship. I feel it. There are times when all I want is a hug from a man. Just to be wrapped in his arms. To be embraced fully and lay my head even briefly on his chest. I'm afraid I would just melt. I feel like such a little kid. I don't know why I am writing all of this. I have to get used to this. I'm not going to remarry so I will never know the privilege of being held by a man on a regular basis again. Yup. That pretty much sucks. Ehhh . . . I just chalk it up to yet another consequence of the choices I have made.

Open arms?

I wish I could go back in time. I wish that I would have said something. I don't know that it would have done any good, but still, I hate that I kept silent. I feel almost like by my silence I'm saying that it was okay. That it wasn't really wrong. Stupid I know, but that's what is going through my mind. I do feel like I'm past the rage that I had felt. I just feel an overwhelming loss. Like I should be in mourning. Hmmm . . . . I still think about the carefree girl I once was. There was a marked change in me after that. It was like in one night I came face to face with evil and ever since then, I see evil around every corner. I am suspicious of everyone. I don't let it control my life, but I am very aware of my fears. My mind is always thinking of the worst possible things. Most people would never suspect that. I am the girl with a smile always on my face pointing out the "silver lining" to all those around. And that's not a lie, I do look for the silver lining. But at the same time, when it comes to this kind of thing, I trust no one completely. I do let some people in, but I am keenly aware that even the people that I trust, I only trust so much. I wouldn't put anything past them. I don't know that I will ever be able to trust anyone 100% again. Especially men. After trusting and caring for such a great friend and then for him to turn on me like that, I just don't know how you get over that. Oh, well. Not much I can do about it now. Sucks to be me. Or, actually, sucks to be a man in my life. You will never be welcomed with fully open arms.

Now what did he go and do that for? Ugh. Temptation is a bitch.

Pathetic

So I usually do fine with this whole thing, but every once in a while I feel it. I feel the loneliness. Not the I wish my kids had a father, or I would love to have the support a partner brings, but the actual I just wish someone was there to go home to. A person that loved me. A person that I loved and cherished. A man that I could just melt in his arms with no fear. Someone to love. Tonight I felt it. It filled my heart. Looking at a beautiful sunset, I just longed to be able to share it with someone. It doesn't help that I took the kids and met my sister and her kids at a park that was in his neighborhood. It just made me miss him again. This would have been a perfect night to go on a motorcycle ride up to the beach and watch the sunset. I just all around miss him from time to time. I miss seeing his smile and hearing his laugh. I miss the way he would touch me and love me. I miss the way he would look at me and I could see the love just bubbling up from his heart. I miss the way his eyes would light up around my kids and the way he would hold them and play with them. Heck, I miss the way he smells. I was invited to go out tomorrow night to go square dancing (I know, I know) but I couldn't really go because I didn't have a partner to go with. Who would I dance with? It's something that he would enjoy trying out and I would love being with him. I don't know. I'm just lonely tonight. I am almost tempted to start praying again for a husband. I'm just so afraid to do that. I don't want to get sidetracked from what is important in my life right now. I don't know if I can handle praying for that without it becoming a focus in my life. And, honestly, what if I start praying and God says no? It's one thing for me to plan to live my life believing that I will never remarry, it's another thing to know for sure that that door is closed. I don't know what the future holds, and I try not to think about it too much. But tonight I do know that I am just plain lonely. That sounds so pathetic, but it's true. I will probably stay up way too late tonight filling my time with useless things until I'm too exhausted to stay awake another moment. Then I will crawl into bed, try to sleep and get up the next morning and prepare for my ex to come take my kids for the day. Ugh. Dare I dream of a someday?

Anxiety turns to joy

God is so very good. I know I say that a lot, but He continuously proves Himself faithful over and over again. I felt strongly like I needed to take some time away today, so after getting the kids off to school and a brief meeting this morning, I took off to my favorite (local) get away spot. The lake. I love the lake at any time of year, but right about this time, the lake begins to melt in places pushing up blocks of ice on top of the otherwise frozen lake. It is simply beautiful. The perfectly white ice against a clear blue sky and the absolute silence that encompasses the entire area. I just love it! Soon the chunks of ice will be pushed up onto the sand and these ice mountains will form before everything is melted away. I love His beautiful creation!

Anyway, I had decided to take time to do some prayer and fasting today. As I sat by the lake enjoying the silence and just pouring out my heart before God, He overwhelmed me with peace and joy. I still don't have any answers about a job or where we are going to live, but I know, beyond all doubt, that He is in control. The place that we are living now was an absolute God send and no one even knew this place existed until we were living in a friend's basement. A friend that was trying to sell her house. We were desperate. Desperate for His hand to move. And He did just that. I know that wherever He leads us, it will be what is best for me and my two little ones. My mind cannot comprehend all He has in store for us. I am so grateful that I can depend on Him. As far as the job, it was the same thing. I had been unemployed for two months and then got a temp job. That temp job ended with no prospects in sight. Then out of the blue, this job came along. It has by far, been the best job I could ever want. God has blessed me so tremendously through this job and He has grown me and taught me like I could have never imagined. I know that we are secure in His hands. I am turning from anxiousness to pure excitement to see what all He has in store.

On top of all of this, He has laid on my heart a new ministry possibility that I am growing increasingly excited about. I have no idea how it would all work out, but I am thrilled to be going along for the ride.

Now, I have to say, that when you spend time alone with God like this, He can do amazing things for your heart. He comforted me and filled me with contentment. He seemed to hold me safe in His arms. But that was after He had to deal with some darkness in my heart. I had to face where I was screwing up and make that right, before He could pour out these blessings today. So I am excited and renewed and convicted and determined to not settle for second best in my spiritual walk. I want God to take me, shape me and use me. I want my life to glorify His name every day, every moment. I want my face and my heart to be a reflection of Him.

HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!

"Do you trust me?"

"Do you trust me?" That's what I hear Him asking me. My head says, "Of course I trust You. You have proven Yourself faithful time and time again." My heart, my gut, just wants to scream out, "What are You doing?! Why give me such a great blessing, only to rip it away? I would have rather of never known this blessing, than to receive it just to lose it again."

My heart aches and my stomach turns. My world has been flipped upside down. I have lost my job and the place that we were going to be moving to. That is hard enough to wrap my mind around, but in losing all this, I have lost a great friend. The one person that I could go to about anything, talk to about anything, the person that provided tremendous wisdom and encouragement. He's gone too. I just feel sick. I feel so very small. I feel as though I've been knocked on my back and I'm staring up at the sky still trying to catch my breath. And all I hear is "Do you trust me?" I want to say yes, but I am full of fear. I don't even know what to write. I don't know what to pray. I just want to lay in His arms.