sigh

It's been a good day. But a rather long day. And I just instinctively pull his old sweatshirt from the drawer and slip it on. There is something comforting about putting it on. It's like there is a part of him there that is wrapping his arms around me. And . . . . . . . . sigh . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Giddy!

Yup, I'm slightly giddy. And I'm not even sure it's going to ever happen, but I'm giddy at the thought of it. All I will say is that a couple years ago there was a ministry that changed me. It opened my eyes to some things and I absolutely loved it and needed it. Because of tough times, this ministry went under, but now I feel like God is calling me to possibly bring a similar ministry to my church. I see the need for it there, but it takes some hard work and money. I'm going to continue praying about all of this and I think that I will contact the couple that headed up this ministry before. I would love it, love it, love it to have this ministry rejuvenated!

It only take one moment

It only takes one moment to realize how incapable I am as a parent. Some days I feel so incredibly overwhelmed. I long to have a partner in raising these kids. I am forever second guessing myself. My son's teacher called today from school. She has "concerns". My son's behavior has changed the past two weeks and he has been acting out in ways that are uncharacteristic of him. Part of me is angry that he would do such things, part of me is exceptionally concerned. I don't know how to handle this. He needs to be punished for his behavior, but something is definitely bothering him. How do I balance showing compassion and getting him to open up to me, and still sending the firm message that this type of behavior will never be tolerated? I feel like someone knocked my legs out from underneath me and I am looking up trying to figure out what just happened. Wow, do I ever need prayer and wisdom from above.

11 hours

Had a great day today. Eleven hours learning and feeling like a woman. Eleven hours being with two Godly men. Makes me wish that I had a Godly man in my life. Good day.

Discretion or mistrust

I can't shake him from my mind. I don't want him to be there. He shouldn't be there. I don't think that there is any one else out there that I am able to be so open with. I can talk to him about anything. I respect him. I honor him. I feel so comfortable with him, for the most part. The only time I don't feel comfortable is when my mind starts to work over time. I wonder, is it okay that we are so open with each other? There are subjects that we don't discuss in detail, but for the most part, we have, at the minimum touched, on every subject. I have so much respect for him and I know he thinks highly of me. He tells me what "a fine woman" I am. He genuinely cares. He helped me put his coat on today (I was freezing), and all I could think was that I just wanted to sink into his arms. That frustrates me so. I just want a hug, but I fear that that little act could be bad. I just adore his friendship. I don't want to screw that up. So why did that thought pop in my head and why can't I shake it? I know that there is this part of me that is very vulnerable. I have been single now for four and a half years, and I do miss have a man in my life. Part of what I love about this friendship is just that. I have a man that I can talk to and be open with on a regular basis. I feel so blessed to have this special man in my life. He has encouraged me, challenged me, cared for me, protected me, guided me, taught me and has made me laugh like no other. I wish I could just sit and talk with him for hours on end. I would learn so much and I so enjoy my time with him. So why do I fear this relationship? Why am I bothered from time to time? Why are there red flags that briefly pop into my head? Okay, I started this blog so that I could be completely open and honest. I know why there are red flags. He's a married man. I know his wife and adore her, and I honestly don't think that we have by any means crossed any lines, but where is that line? He talks to his wife about our conversations from time to time, but should a married man and I be so open with each other? He is the kind of man that speaks what is on his mind and he can be honest when most people would at best shy away. That is just his personality. His friendship has been such a blessing, but I wonder how it would look to some people. It doesn't seem to bother his wife at all, so should I not be concerned about it? If she is okay with this, then why should I be bothered? The only other man that I have ever had this close of a relationship with (besides those I was in a romantic relationship with), ended up being the man that assaulted me. Does that somehow play into my fears? Do I fear that unless the relationship is romantic, I can't have such a great friendship? Or is it wisdom that is warning me that this could lead somewhere that it shouldn't? There are a few people, besides his wife, that have an understanding about the openness we share in our friendship and none of them have even once expressed any concern. So what am I to think? Wisdom and discretion stepping in to warn me? Or my same old mistrust of men issues? How is a girl to know? All I know is that our conversation today was interrupted, and I am really looking forward to finishing it.

i wish i could tell him. just lay it all on the line. let him see every little flaw. be open with every thought, fear, emotion, hope, desire, temptation, all of it. i can't do it. not with him or anyone for that matter. you are that open with your spouse, not friends. i wish i had that person. he is the closest thing i have to that openness. yet, i can't confide all of that in him. it makes me miss my Ben. i've missed him a lot lately. i loved that man with all that was within me. and oh, how he loved me. my daughter told me recently that she wanted me to get married (that's nothing new, she is always saying that). but this time, she told me that she wanted me to marry Ben. it has been about 2 years since his name has even been mentioned in our home, yet, she still remembers him and adores him. part of me still adores him. it would never work if we got back together. at least i don't think it would. but, wow, i miss him at times. he is a good, good man. i wish that we could have been friends and that we could just hang out together. i miss his company. since i don't have him, i settle for this other friend that i will always have to keep at arm's length. such is my life.

Trippin' down memory lane

It all started with Bon Jovi at the Grammys. Seeing them perform, thinking of their music, all these memories came rushing back. Good and bad. The ex-boyfriends, the stupid mistakes, the nights out with the girls, being carefree, the poetry, the beach, the hurt. It all came rushing back. It started with Bon Jovi, which led to GunsNRoses. Oh, how I adored Axl. When I met my ex-husband, he reminded me of Axl. I totally fell for the bad boy that I believed I could make want to be good. We can see how well that worked. Watching those videos again, it brings back the feelings of wanting to soar off a cliff and just pray that I don't come crashing down. I did, however, always seem to crash and burn. And then the poetry would come streaming forth with the tears. I don't miss those days. There are days though, that I wish I could take the day off. Not have to worry about the kids, the finances, the house, my work, everything that is always on my mind. I sure wouldn't mind taking that trip to Amish country for the weekend. But that takes money. Money that we don't have. So, I dream. I dream and trip down memory lane.