perfection

It can't get better than this. A warm breeze. The birds singing. The wheat rising and falling with the wind. The soft sounds of country music floating out of the barns. The kids laughing and running. Sitting on the porch swing taking it all in. How could I want anything else?

Content

This past week has been an amazing week. I have fallen into a state of complete contentment. I am not worried what the future holds. I am not bogged down by guilt from the past. I am just here. This day. I am rejoicing in all God is doing for me. I am grateful for this moment, for this peace. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has yet to come. There is nothing I can do for either. As a friend told me yesterday. "You can't change the past. You can't control the future. You can only choose the present." So today I choose the present. This is so pleasant to just rest in His arms. The lake yesterday was so completely calm. I have never seen such a peace over the lake. You could hardly tell where the lake ended and the sky began. I feel that peace in my soul. I wish I would know that this feeling would continue. But just like the unpredictability of the lake, I know that this will change. The wind will blow, the storms will come, the rain will pound. But, today, it is calm. Today I will enjoy the beauty, the peace.

Twitterpated!

The morning started off with another annoying call from the ex. However, the day got so much better. I was able to talk to him in church today. Nothing to deep, just talking. I could just lose myself in his eyes. He honestly makes me feel like a little school girl again. My stomach gets all fluttery and I can't stop grinning. He is such a beautiful man. I'm talking to him and all I can think of is that I want to shout out "I miss you!" Yeah, that would be subtle! Be still my little heart. Be patient and see what God has for you. It's hard not to let my dreams take over. I'm so twitterpated! It is a good thing the Red Wings are on to distract me, even thought their losing so far! :(

UGH!

i want to throw my phone against the wall and smash it into a thousand little pieces just so that he can never call me again!

mistakes made

what am i supposed to think? so his fiance' calls off the wedding and kicks him out and what does he do? he comes here? looking for advice? what did he think, that i would be the one to advise him on how to repair his relationship with her? then he starts in on all the things that he did wrong in our marriage. he actually apologized. he really apologized. after almost 4 years, he finally admitted some of what he did wrong and said he was sorry. that was a shock. but that wasn't even the beginning of it. he wants me to trust him again. to believe that he can be good with the kids. i had to keep from laughing. he goes on to say that we should have open communication (which actually would not be a bad thing) about the kids. then he says that the best way to do that is for us to talk more and DO more things together, LIKE GOING TO A MOVIE TOGETHER! SERIOUSLY? i looked at him like he was crazy. what is he thinking? he wants a "friendship relationship" with me and then in a couple years "who knows". i know!! NO WAY IN HELL!!!! I don't get it. yeah, it was nice to finally get an apology, but like this? one minute he's professing his love for this woman and the next he trying to convince me to go out with him? i'm just way too tired of all this crap. i'm too tired of all his bullshit. if it's not one thing it's another with him. please, walk away leave me and the kids alone, and take your drama producing self elsewhere! compared to being with him, i would GLADLY stay single the rest of my life. that's why i divorced him to begin with! i actually have less stress now as a single mom than i did when i was married to him. how young and naive (read stupid) i was when i married him. this mistake will haunt me the rest of my life. i so need less drama in my life. i need so much less of him in my life. when will that dream come true. the one where he gets a job out in CA and makes a ridiculous amount of money and pays enough in child support for me to just stay home with the kids. works for me! i get to be with the kids and he's on the other side of the country. why don't you ever see a disney movie where this dream comes true??

the vacation that may never come

It's been a while since I wrote anything. I've been so busy and I feel like I'm in a perpetual state of "rush". I never seem to have quite enough time, energy, money, etc to quite catch up. I get close, but then something comes flying at me and I'm just knocked on my ass again. Such is life I suppose. I just long to be able to just turn all the "noise" off and rest. Just me and the kids. We need a vacation so very badly. We have never taken a family vacation just the three of us. In four years, not a single vacation. Sure we've taken a weekend or an overnight a couple times, but never a real vacation. I have a friend that has invited me to come to her place down south and I want to go with everything within me. I just can't figure out the finances. As far as vacations go, it would be ridiculously cheap, but I can't afford cheap! Just to pay for the gas to get there and back plus paying for food and the travel done while we are down there. But, it's a vacation and I want to go. I want to take a road trip with my kids and and play in the ocean and collect sea shells. I want to take an obscene amount of pictures. I just want to go. Well, if God decides to drop a few hundred dollars in my lap, then I guess we could do it. Otherwise, I just don't see it as possible. We so need the break though. We found out that my son's health problems are all just stress related. How horrible it that that I have a 7 year old that is totally stressed out. What am I doing wrong? I love my kids with everything within me and I try so very hard to provide a safe haven for them in our home. But obviously I'm messing up. I just want our little, stressed out family to be able to walk away from everything here and take a break. See some new scenery, have a change of pace, enjoy being together without feeling the constant rush. I want a family vacation, I just don't see it happening, which just burdens me more. Why can't I provide this for my kids? This is nothing extravagant, it's just needed. I really feel that it is needed.