I don't know what to write. I just know that I need to write. I love my husband. He is an amazing man. He blesses me every day. I love my children. Immensely. However, I am keenly aware that I seem to be failing my most important mission: raising my children according to God's Word. On the outside, I know that people think that I have wonderful children. And they are good kids for the most part. But somewhere along the way they have decided that I am not necessarily their authority. They seem to challenge just about everything. Eating dinner, doing chores, cleaning their rooms, etc. I have grown so very weary in the last couple days. I am reading books, seeking advice and praying. And yet, it seems as though I have accomplished nothing. I am just sad. We are supposed to start homeschool on Tuesday and I am very fearful that not only will we not start on time, but that this whole thing will fail and my relationship with my children will be damaged. If I can't get them to clean their rooms, how on earth can I teach them at home? I went out to the store this afternoon and the thought actually crossed my mind that I didn't want to go back home. I just wanted to take a few hours and decompress. To sleep, rest, pray, think and somehow be refreshed. I pulled in the driveway and turned off the car and just sat there for a moment. I turned and looked at the house and thought, "I just don't want to go in there." Then, I start hearing my children yelling at each other. I just wanted to shut down. I feel as though I am running out of options. Again, I know some people would say that I'm being too hard on myself or that I'm asking too much of my children. But I absolutely do not believe that! I believe that my children should be respectful, obedient, responsible and kind. That is not asking too much! That is precisely what a child of God should be (among many other things). This is why I say that I feel as though I am failing. I just feel so weary.My son just came down and handed me a card that he made. In it he apologized and told me that he loved me. He said that he would work hard. I told him that I appreciated the card, but at the same time, he is supposed to be cleaning his room. Getting his room done in a proper amount of time and doing it right is what I want. As sweet as the card is, I would much rather know that when I ask him to do something, my request will be met with a "Yes, Ma'am" and a prompt act of obedience. That is what I desire.
I work so hard. I try so hard. We have a daily schedule for the kids that includes their chores and personal Bible study. We eat dinner (and most lunches) together as a family every night without fail. We have family devotions every night before bed and then pray with the kids individually when we tuck them in. I plan out our meals (two weeks at a time) to ensure that we have home-cooked, well-balanced meals every night. I feel like I am doing what I should be to provide an environment that should produce healthy, respectful, obedient, responsible children that love and desire to follow our Lord. What am I doing wrong? Where am I failing? How can the "job" that is of supreme importance be the one that I am doing so miserably?
At Your feet, Father. I lay my children and myself at Your feet. I can do no more.
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