Memories again

I'm sitting here with everything to do and doing none of it. There is one thought in my mind in the midst of a thousand thoughts swirling around. The tears have dried to my cheeks and I am asking myself, "Why do I seek this out? What demented part of me wants to relive this?" Tonight again, I made a point to watch a movie, on Lifetime of course, about a girl that is raped. I see the pain in her eyes and I watch her struggle to come to terms with what all has happened. I see her flash back to her life before the attack and how she is envious of that carefree girl that is gone. I watch and as the tears trickle down my cheeks, I feel weighted to the floor. I don't feel like I can move. I know that I have so many things to do, but my mind simply can't think of any thing else. I tried again tonight. I went on the RAINN website, again. I don't know why. I feel guilty. This happened so long ago and there are girls each day that are being attacked. How can I put myself in the same category. I almost did it. I almost "spoke" to a counselor via their hotline. I don't really know what good it would do, but each time I see a movie such as this, or I hear about a woman being attacked, I want to reach out. I want to talk to someone and tell them the whole story. I want them to listen and then to somehow just know what to say. To tell me how the heck I heal from this. To tell me that one day, this will all seem so far away. That someday I will be able to detach myself from the memories. Yet, I doubt that will ever happen. I realize that this did happen. That it will always be a part of my life. I can't make it go away. Ever. It is with me to stay. Oh, I grow so weary. My eyes burn and I just want to crawl in bed and shut out the world. Why do I watch such movies? I saw a commercial for this movie like a week ago and right then I knew that I was going to watch it. Why? Why do I do this to myself. Why can't I just shut the door on the whole thing and go back to pretending that it never happened. Instead, I put myself right back at that place. A decade ago, on that little beach with the stars up above and not a soul around. How far away my dorm seemed that night. How unaware I was of anyone else around while I tried to get back to my room. You know, of all the details I remember, I can't remember what I did when I got back that night. Were my roommates in our room? Did I look distressed at all? Did I just go to bed? I honestly can't remember anything until the next day at graduation. Right before I passed out. That whole section is just gone from my memory. How crazy is that? I just don't know. I should just go to bed and finish all this work in the morning. I'm in no shape to be thinking about the legalities of a lease agreement right now.

heart and soul

I was created to be a wife. I just feel it. I long for a husband. I long for strong, spiritual leadership. I long to be able to just be a woman. To not be forced to work in a man's world. To not have to be the strong one all the time. To be able to look to someone else for help with direction and decisions. To have someone to lean on. I take joy in such little things that most would not notice. Having a man pray for our lunch. A man that confronted me about something he saw in my life that I was oblivious to. Just having a man to talk to and listen to and learn from. To have a man in my life that, despite his imperfections, I can respect him and value his opinions. I just want a husband. Sorry, but it's true. Actually, no I'm not sorry. It is in my heart and soul to be a wife.