insomnia

Yep. Insomnia sucks. Just a few months ago I slept like a baby waking up before my alarm ever went off. I felt rested on a regular basis. What changed?

past 2 days

So very tired. It's been a draining couple of days. Things turned out good though. I talked to my brother and found out that it wasn't him that had accessed it. The person who had admitted it and was very remorseful and embarrassed. I'm so grateful that it wasn't my brother, but still, I ache for this other young man. Something I didn't expect from all of this is that this has really made me re-examine my own spiritual walk. God has really been dealing with me about being sincere in my faith and truly surrendering everything to Him. Not easy stuff I must say. Needed though. Very much needed. On a side note, I have realized that God led me to the home we have now just as the need was becoming dire. I have no doubt that He will lead us to our next home as well. I will do my part and scrimp and save (more than I already do) to try to afford something nicer, but God is really going to have to work this one out. No doubts. He is faithful

In His embrace

It's been a while. Today was a bit of a rough day and it's only 4 pm. Okay, maybe a rough afternoon. I woke up this morning at 1:30 am and never managed to get any more sleep. Somehow I never bothered with breakfast for myself and I forgot my lunch. So I go into work and that was actually good. A little overwhelming at first since I was out for three days last week with sick kids and there is a lot to get caught up on, but that wasn't bad. Plus my boss was in a really good mood and I just enjoy his joy. So despite the lack of food and sleep, the day was off to a good start. This afternoon however the first thing hit. I have a friend that is very close to me. Almost like a big brother, well, A LOT like a big brother. In the process of seeing him today, I inadvertently stumbled across some porn on his computer. I felt absolutely ill. Not because I have this delusion of him being perfect (although I respect him greatly), but just the fact that I was brought face to face with his sin. I know that this is a battle that most men fight and fight vigilantly throughout their lives, but it was very different knowing that he had looked at this. I still hold him in high regard and I have not lost respect for him, at all. Sin is sin. I certainly would be humiliated if he knew some of my sins. The thought almost immediately went through my mind that I had to say something to him. Not at the time, I couldn't because there was someone else around. I don't want to say anything to him, but he and I have a relationship where we talk about just about everything. We spent time just this weekend talking about some questions I had regarding a passage of Scripture. My mind was racing and stuck in slow motion at the same time. Why would God allow me of all people to see this? Do I really have to talk to him about this? How on earth do I start such a conversation? What will he do? How will he react? Will the embarrassment of this change our relationship at all? Why did God allow me to see this? Ugh. All at once I felt completely drained of what energy I had. At least I wasn't hungry anymore because my appetite was completely gone. I went ahead and said good bye to him, never letting him know that anything was bothering me. Again, it was not the time or place to say anything to him. With a headache beginning to pound in my head, I tried to unravel all my thoughts I drove quietly home. I get home, throw a load of laundry in and as I start back up my landlord stops me. She hands me a letter stating that by June 15, 2010, I will have to move out. If you have followed this blog at all, you know how much I love it here. Not just for the fact that we are out on a farm, but this couple took me and my kids in and agreed to let me pay them a ridiculously cheap rent so that we could get by and have a safe place to live. It was never meant to be a real long term situation (they are older and not used to having tenants on a long term basis), but it was a God-send. I have fallen in love with the country and I never want to go back to the city. However, speaking in earthly terms, I can not afford anything else but a very small apartment in the not so good section of the city. I am trying not to let this stress me out. I know that God is in control and none of this catches Him by surprise, but it not very easy to see where He is leading. My headache is getting close to a full blown migraine at this point. I need sleep, I need food, I need to rest in His arms with all of this. He will lead me to a safe home for my family. He will direct me as I talk to my brother. I am so weary just thinking about all of this. I have no choice but to rest in His embrace. Give me strength Father. Hold my heart. Hold my brother's heart. Draw us both to You tonight.

Old habits die hard. With a little determination, okay a lot of determination, a lot of prayer and some good old stubborn Syrian blood, this will be defeated. A new day. Tomorrow is a new day.