security blanket

I still love sleeping in his shirt even though he is gone. Even after three years and many washes, slipping it on I can still smell him.

Bittersweet

Bittersweet. That's the word I will use. I love going to work each day. I cannot stress that enough. I honestly enjoy working with my boss and for the most part enjoy the work that I do. I work in an ideal location where I look out over a pond and in the back there are soybean fields (soon to be wheat fields which I love!). This job has been like a great boyfriend: any job after this will always be compared to it and will never live up to it. However, once in a while there is another side to this perfection that gets to me. The wife. I think the world of my boss' wife and we interact very well together. The problem is not her, it's what she represents. I will walk into the house for something and she will be baking something or being reading to the kids or homeschooling her children. She will walk outside and go hang up laundry on the clothes line. She will stop in the office to tell my boss something about the family or that she's headed out to the store. Then there the times when my boss will run into the house to talk to her or go outside to say something to her before she leaves. She's a wonderful woman, and I envy her through and through. Most days it's no big deal. Such is life. But then there are days (such as today) that for some reason every little thing is like a dagger to my heart. I long to be able to be home with my children. To homeschool them and sit with them and talk with them throughout the day. To do stupid little things like hang up the laundry on the line on days besides Saturday. I crave my children. I miss them throughout the day and I absolutely ache to give them a better life. But with my boss' wife, it even goes beyond that. She makes me miss being a wife. I by no means miss the marriage, but I miss being someone's wife. The kids could care less if we have mac and cheese for dinner or if we have a roast and salad and fresh baked bread. I used to love planning out meals around my husband's taste. I used to try to plan that when he walked in the door I would be taking fresh bread or his favorite pie out of the oven so that those smells would great him at the door. I used to enjoy picking up the house right before he came home and making sure that even if I wasn't wearing make up I was presentable to him. Such stupid little things I know, but I miss that. Not that he ever noticed or even seemed to care, but I always wanted my home to be a sanctuary for him. A place that he could come home and feel safe, relaxed and at ease. I don't know. Maybe I tried so hard because he if he did come home he didn't stay long. When my son was still a baby I would meet my husband at the door in some sexy little thing. Well, I did that until one night he came home after I had spent all this time devising a little fantasy thing for us and when I greeted him at the door all dressed up he literally pushed past me and went and sat down in the living room and turned the TV on. He didn't even acknowledge me. That was the end of that. Ugh. I have made so many stupid mistakes in my life. I wish that I would have just followed God faithfully. I would have never married that man. My life would be so very different right now had I trusted His direction. So seeing my boss' wife being able to be this wonderful mother and Christian wife is just a reminder of all that I sacrificed and what I will never have. I hate that I will never remarry and have that chance again to love a man and make a home for my family. Sorry for the pity party. Just feeling a bit bittersweet.