Soon

I'm not sure what to write, I just know that I have to. Early this morning I was informed that a woman from my church was struck and killed by a car last night. It hit me like a punch in the stomach. She and her husband go walking in the evening together and last night he opted not to go. They live out on a country road, very much like mine. A teenage boy was speeding and hit her. She has four children. She is a wonderful Christian woman who always had a smile on her face. Although I was not very close with this woman, I literally feel sick. I feel sick for her children, for her husband, for our church, and for the boy that struck her. I hate death. This was never supposed to be a part of our lives. When God created us, He created us as eternal beings. We were never meant to feel this pain. I'm ready to go home. I'm so tired of the pain in this life, and I have a wonderful life and I know that. But every time something like this happens I simply long to be in Heaven. After my uncle's death last fall, death is not "just a part of life" for me anymore. It is a tear your world apart, deep in your soul kind of ache. People talk about trying to live to their 100 or whatever. Not me. I have no desire whatsoever to live that long. If God so wills it, I would love to see my grandchildren born, but after that, take me home. Why on earth would I want to stay in this place when I have Heaven waiting for me. I totally understand Paul's dilemma. I have to stay here now because I have two precious children to raise and guide and teach about our Lord. That is my job and my ministry. They were given to me for that reason alone. And they bring me untold joy. But, Heaven, Heaven is where I am with my precious Saviour. There is no more pain, no death, no grieving, no sin, no tears. There is just my Father. I long for the first time to see His beautiful face. To physically feel the warmth of His embrace. To look into my Saviour's eyes and be overcome with the love He has for me. To touch the scars in His hands and finally understand the sacrifice He made for me. I am so thankful that she and my uncle are there now, but for the ones left behind, there is no earthly comfort. The only possible comfort can only come from our Father Himself. A friend quoted a verse that is well known but from the Message which puts it in a totally different light. It reads: "You're blessed when you feel you have lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you." Matt 5:4. I will never understand the sorrow God allows us to feel. The only comfort that I have is that I know that the pain we feel here on earth is felt also by our Saviour. He loves us more than any of us could ever comprehend. As a parent, there is nothing like seeing your child in pain. We love our children with an earthly, imperfect love. Our Father's love is perfect and so much greater. How much greater then is the pain that He feels when He sees our hearts breaking. I ache with all that is within me to see yet another family be forced to deal with this. Please Father, wrap Your loving arms around each one in pain right now. Hold them close. Help to remind them, that You are not only the majestic King of the universe, but You are their Abba, their Daddy. And Father, soon. Please come soon.

why do i do these things? will i ever learn? will this ever stop? will there be a day when i can close this door and never look back? i can't wait for next weekend. going out. going to have a couple drinks. going to have a great time. still can't shake this feeling though

3 words & a baby

Another thing I realized I'm losing by staying single. I will never hear the words "I love you" from a man again. My kids tell me they love me and so does my family from time to time, but I will never have a man say those words to me again. I will never have a man love me like that again. It is such a great feeling to be loved in that unique, precious way. I will miss that greatly.
The other thing comes as a bit of a surprise to me. I was at church Sunday and there was a mom with a young baby. As I watched her with that baby, that motherly love comes flooding over me and I have that craving for a child in my arms. So many people have told me that they had always pictured me with several children. I am so grateful for my two kids, but I would have loved to have more. Even by adoption. But that is another thing I will never know again. Watching that mother and baby, tears started to well up in my eyes and soon they spilled down my cheeks. I quickly tried to regain my composure, but a feeling of great loss overwhelmed my heart.
I know that I am following God in this, and He will bless me for it. He will sustain me. He will hold my heart.

Not alone

I looked back over my blog a little bit and back to the beginning. I reread my blogs about the sexual assault. All of those emotions came rushing back to the surface. I don't think I will ever be able to think about that night without feeling sick. I mean, it's been over a decade and I still feel this way. Anyway, I thought of something though. I question the evil that abounds in this world and how God can restrain Himself from just vaporizing some people I will never understand. I certainly don't understand why He allowed that evil to come and tear apart my heart that night. I do know this though, I would face anything and go through anything before allowing my children to be hurt. I would go through rape again if given the choice of my rape or my children being hurt or abused. There is no question, I would always choose my children over myself. Thankfully, my children have never been seriously hurt. However, I know one child that was tortured, literally, and eventually killed. That child was Jesus. His father had to sit back and watch the cruelty and evil being thrust upon His Son. No parent out there can comprehend that amount of pain. It's a wonder God didn't just destroy the world at that point. I say all this to say this: God honestly understands the evil that comes into our lives. He gets it. He has been there. It has torn His great heart in two. There is something about knowing that, that helps me cope a little better. And you know what, He saw what happened to me, and He loves me. That night hurt Him just as much as it hurt me. That knowledge doesn't necessarily diminish the pain at all, but I don't feel quite so alone in this pain. And that, that helps.

home sweet home

we just got back from our family vacation and we had a great time. we were pretty busy trying a bunch of new things, but it was relaxing as well, although i'm still tired. i think the thing i enjoyed the most by far was just being able enjoy the kids. there were no dishes, no laundry, no cooking, no errands to run and obviously no job to go to. i could just spend each day, every day with my kids enjoying the beautiful little people they are. it really was a wonderful week. we played together and laughed together and had new adventures together. i am so grateful we were able to go. i am also grateful to be back home. i got home just in time to see the wheat again before they harvest it tomorrow. i actually missed the fields of corn and wheat and the open country. a vacation is a great break from the daily grind and much needed, but there is nothing like home. even with it's imperfections and stresses, home is home. it is a sanctuary. tonight i took the time to take some pictures of the wheat field just so that i can enjoy the beauty of it even after it has all been harvested. i am not looking forward to looking out at a bare field. i wish i had the ability to capture the smell, the texture, the feel of the wheat and the country in general in photos. i am certainly not talented in that area. i hope that i can always remember the joy that i have when looking out across those amber fields. yes, vacation was wonderful and i will miss the "free" time i had with my kids, but home is still the sweetest place on earth!