I wish I was more than a quarter Irish!

That's it. If I ever do remarry (and money is no object), I'm honeymooning in Ireland! I love the cliffs and the castles and the sheep and you know that I am totally in love with the accent (thanks to a boyfriend in college!)!

heart's desire

I have made one of those decisions that I know is the right decision, but that doesn't mean that it is necessarily easy. I have given alot of thought lately to the people that I surround myself with on a day to day basis. I have decided that it is time to enclose that circle of friends a little bit tighter and weed out those that have a tendency to bring me down. I even took a look at those friends I have on facebook. It may seem trivial, but alot of those people I do interact with on a fairly daily basis. So I actually deleted some of those friends. The hard part of that is the fact that the one friend I deleted I spent an awful lot of time chatting with. We would talk about everything from just our how our days went that day to our dreams for the future and fears that we might have. We discussed everything. Unfortunately, this guy made it very clear that he wanted more than a friendship. I tried to set things straight with him and he said he understood, but he couldn't stop with the flirting. Then once it was out in the open that he was interested he tried to take the conversation to places it simply should not go. I really enjoyed his friendship, but it became apparent that he not only would always want more from me than I was willing to give, but that he could very easily become a stumbling block for me. So I deleted him. Now, however, I am finding myself missing that friendship. One of the difficulties of being a single parent, is never quite fitting with different groups in general, even more so in the church. The majority of my friends are married with young children. Which is great because I can talk with them about the joys and trials of raising young kids. However, they have husbands that they do all of their social things with and that they rightfully devote a considerable amount of time to. I do have a couple of single friends, but they don't have kids and they go out all the time on weekends with no thought of having to get a sitter. They are much more free with their money since they are only providing for themselves. I have found that among these friends I get fewer and fewer invitations since I do not have the flexibility to be as spontaneous. Anyone that has tried to book a sitter on a Saturday night with less than three weeks notice knows how difficult it can be to be spontaneous. This leaves me stuck between two groups that I never feel totally comfortable in for long periods of time. I do have one very good girlfriend that used to be a single mom but got married 3 years ago. She connects well with me because she still understands some of the difficulties I face since she faced them too, but, she is very jealous of her time with her husband, as she should be. It's hard enough to be a mom of young kids in this world today. It's hard enough being a 30 year old (yes, I'll finally admit I'm not still 29!) single girl. Trust me, I did not miss dating to begin with. But mix those two together and there are days I am keenly aware that this is not the way God intended a family. Not only is it difficult not to have another parent in the house to lean on and to receive support from, but it is a very lonely place to be. When it comes to a husband, there are several things that I long for: a man that would actually be the leader of our home, a man that will encourage me in my spiritual walk, a man to financially provide for our family, a man to unconditionally love me, a man to be my lover, a man to allow me to just be a girl again instead of always playing two roles and having to be superwoman all the time. Above all this, it is on evenings like this that I struggle the most. I just long to have that special man sit with me after the kids are in bed and just be there together. A man that I can talk to about the trivial and those things buried deep in my soul. A man that is my true best friend and companion. I long for that, full well knowing that I may never have that again. I am not so foolish to assume that any man will do.I was married for five years before and all that man did out of that list above was provide financially for our family and managed to be a part-time lover to me as well. I will never walk that path again. I have been on my own for three and a half years now and though I am weary, I know that I will never settle for less than God's best for me and my children, should that day ever come. I know that without God's direction and blessing, all those things I long for will never come to fruition with any man. I know that God has me single right now for a reason, and honestly, I am truly content with that. That does not change the fact that I have this strong heart's desire to one day be a wife again. I loved loving a man. Even with all the pain and heartache that went with it, I loved devoting my life to him and to my children. I loved being a "homemaker" and striving to make our house a true home and safe haven. I was absolutely delirious about being a stay-at-home mom. These desires have not lessened over the years. I love my children, our home and my life. But there is that part of me that wonders if ever this aching in my heart will end. Only God knows and I am content to hold His hand and follow where He leads. So for today, when I feel the need to "talk", I blog instead. I can share my whole heart and bare my soul since only a couple of people even know about this blog, which is good and bad. An annonymous blog doesn't give you much chance of interaction. I think this is my longest blog to date, but this is also a very tender subject for my heart. One day, one day, if only God wills, I may see my heart's desire fulfilled. By the grace of God.

home

I have spent today at home with my two kids and I absolutely love it. I am so content. It may sound so foolish, but I have enjoyed just doing laundry, making lunch, snuggling with the kids and just being home. I know that to most that seems like a total waste of a day or at the very least nothing special at all. But for me, it is a rare treat to have both kids at home and have no where that we have to run off to. I looked out my bedroom window today and this complete peace came over my soul. The gray sky, the light snow coming down and the slight rolls of the land. I love where I live. Again, it must seem like nothing special to most, but when I look out over 10 acres of land I see a place where my children can run. A place where we can go on walks and go hiking in the woods in the back. A place where I feel safe. That is priceless.

The guilt wages on

Here I am again. I've started a new job this week and wouldn't you know it both my kids are having health issues. My daughter has been up half the night with a cough and my son is needing to start a three day process of medication that requires him to stay home. I'm going in to work today but I will be taking tomorrow off to deal with these things. My guilt is eating me alive and it doesn't help that my mom is telling me how much she wants me to start with the treatment with my son today. She doesn't even know about my daughter being sick too. The only job I was ever fired from was 7 years ago when my son was a baby and I was fired because I missed too much work because he was such a sick little baby. So here I am with the battle that all single moms face. What I find ironic is the fact that for the almost two months I was job hunting, my kids where perfectly healthy. They wait until my first week of a new job to get sick. I don't think this guilt will ever go away. It just breaks my heart.

What am I doing??

Success?

I have been reading a book entitled "A Mother's Heart" by Jean Fleming, and what I have read early this morning has spoken to my heart. She talks about what success in life actually means. So many times we see a man or a woman that is well dressed and rushing off to some high-powered job so that he or she can have a "quality" vehicle and house as successful. But is that truly success if one's children/spouse are the ones that are sacrificed in the end? This is a difficult topic for me. As a single mom I have no choice but to work and to put my children in daycare, but that does not ease the guilt. I struggle with how much I pursue a career in hopes of providing for my children a certain "quality" of life versus maintaining a job while making my career one of raising my children. I have realized that I adamantly fight against the the stigmas about children being raised in a single parent home. I want it to seem as though my children want for nothing and that they live a perfectly happy, busy life just like their two-parent counterparts. I don't my kids to be the ones in hand-me-down clothes and people thinking, "Well, she is a single mom. She can only do so much." I hate that. But in the end, what is really more important: that my kids have the newest Children's Place line of clothes and sport the name brand jeans and shoes or that they have a mother that is available to them to raise, nurture and love them. I am a single mom and it is ridiculously difficult at times. I am forced to become two people at the same time. I walk a fine line of spending time working to provide the necessities and spending time actually being a mother. And it's not just working 9-5 and then the kids have me from 5-9 . When I come home from work and I'm tired and only focused on getting the days chores done, my kids still don't have me. I hate to say it, but there are days that my kids don't "have" me at all. I run to the daycares to pick up the kids, run home and start dinner, throw a load of laundry in the washer, sit down and eat as quickly as possible so that I can start dishes, put the laundry in the dryer (and start another load most likely), check my son's homework, bathe my daughter, get my son into the shower, tuck my daughter in, tuck my son in, and then back to the laundry and continue with chores until I collapse in bed. At what point in that time do I actually spend quality time with the kids? But then what do I do? I tried to wait to start the housework until they went to bed, but I didn't get to bed until way too late and became cranky and short with the kids due to the lack of sleep. This is not okay. This is not the way I want my kids to be raised. They have more quality time with their daycare teachers than with their own mother. So at that point, who is raising my children? Can I honestly say that it is me? I ache to just quit my job and focus on my children full-time, but that is obviously not possible. I feel as though I am forever pulled in several different directions. I was actually approached by the Sunday School director at church and asked to work in Sunday School. I was told that I have such talent and knowledge when it comes to young children it would be a pity to waste. Who says I'm wasting it if instead of giving more of my time to someone else, I give that time to my own children. I always say that they are my first priority, but does my day to day life reflect that? If someone watched my life as an old silent film, what would they conclude about what is most important to me? I don't think that they would come to the same conclusion as what I profess. I see no change in the near future and that leaves with a feeling of total hopelessness. That is a terrible way to feel about the future of your own children. I do love them so much, I am just so weary of this constant battle. I long to see a glimmer of hope. To know that I am not ruining their lives. That somehow, someday, I will be able to dedicate more time to them. But alas, today is today, and the cycle begins anew.

Today was the end of the pity party.

"Therefore He is able, once and forever, to save completely everyone who comes to God through Him. He lives forever to plead with God on their behalf." Hebrews 7:25

How powerful is this verse?! Today was the end of the pity party. Today I got my spiritual butt kicked by the message brought in church. I was reminded today of who my Father is and the character that defines Him. I say in my "about me" section that I am fiercely protective of my kids. Imagine how much more so the God of the universe is protective of His one and only Son, Jesus? Our pastor today talked about a couple different passages of Scripture including Heb. 7:25 and also Luck 23:34. In Luke 23 it is talking about the crucifixion of Jesus and the torture and ridicule He endured. Our pastor brought up the point that the Heavenly Father had to sit there and watch His only child go through this. As a mother I cannot comprehend watching someone hurt my son and allowing that to happen. Here is the God of the universe with all power and all strength watching His Son be tortured on the cross. How could He do that? What kind of father would allow that? And then you read Luke 23:34, "Jesus said, 'Father, forgive these people, because they don't know what they are doing.'" In the Greek the word for said actually depicts an ongoing and continuous request. In other words, Jesus, while hanging on the cross, was pleading with His Father to spare them and to not only not destroy these men (and us) but to forgive them (and us)!! How amazing is that? And then you read the verse in Hebrews and realize that still to this day, Jesus is acting as one who intervenes on my behalf. He is standing there in Heaven pleading with the Father to forgive me. And I will dare to be angry? Yes, it was pretty screwed up what happened. But you know what? I did get away before he was actually able to finish. I survived. I made it. Alot worse could have happened. And beyond all that, the God of the universe willingly sacrificed the life of His Son so that I can live and live eternally in Heaven with Him. How dare I?! What was I thinking? What that man did to me was pure evil, but what have I done to Christ? I have no right. Father God, forgive me. Forgive me! Thank You for Your never ending love and grace. Please, never let me forget again the amazing God that You are and how very much You love me. Thank You Father. Thank You.

A man's man

I recently took my son to go see a rodeo. First thing I have to say is that what they say about a man in uniform is also very true of a man in chaps!! Beyond that, I noticed a couple of interesting things. When the show was getting ready to start they took a good fifteen minutes out of the show to talk about our country and to honor those serving in the armed forces. There is such a strong feeling of patriotism when you are surrounded with people immersed in "the country" (which I am very proud to be a part of!). I love the fact that there is a respect for our country, our flag and our men and women in the military. I have felt that way for such a long time and it disgusts me when I see others take our freedom and the sacrifices made so very flippantly. The second thing that I noticed that kind of took me by surprise was the fact that before they began the announcer prayed. He prayed! Here we are in this grand arena with thousands of people and this man is talking about thanking God and then he actually prayed. What affected me the most was that about 2/3 of these rough and tough cowboys got down on one knee and put their hats over their hearts when the announcer began to pray. Now, I am not so naive to not realize that alot of this is show, but at least there is a showing of gratitude towards God. At least it is something that is acknowledged! All of this got me thinking. Here are these men that are billed as "the world's toughest" and yet it is encouraged/expected of them to behave in a certain manner. These men have been taught (and are teaching the little cowboys that look up to them) that above all else, you love your country and you love your God (in that order it seems though). One cowboy in particular had crosses on his chaps and knelt and prayed after each ride. That I respect. I know that there are professional athletes that do that kind of thing too, but it is rare. (on a side note, pro athletes don't usually continuing playing with broken ankles, ribs, fingers, etc. . .). Being a single mom, I have so many concerns about what my little boy is going to admire and strive to become. I am very cautious of who he looks up to and last night, he saw a good example. Now I won't pretend that everything about these cowboys is honorable, but he saw that a "man's man" is also a man that loves his God and honors his country. Two things that I am desperately trying to instill in his young heart. So even if it is a skewed picture, he still gets a glimpse of the kind of man I hope he becomes. So do I want him to be a man's man? In some regards absolutely! I just want him to also not only love his God, I want him to be passionate about Him. I also want him to understand that part of being a man's man in my book is greatly based upon how he treats women, especially "his woman". When all is said and done, the rodeo was an absolute blast and I hope to return each year when it comes to town. I am also learning to embrace my country girl side a little more each day!! ;)

In love!

I just have to say that I am totally and completely in love with my kids!!! My daughter who as her teacher says "dances her little butt off" and whose spunk I have not seen rivaled since my own college days. My son has an absolute heart of gold and is quite a man for only being 7 years old. They are my greatest joy and my greatest blessing. Thank you God for this amazing gift!

Proverbs 19:3

So I finally pick up my Bible again this evening and this is what I read, "People ruin their lives by their own foolishness and then are angry at the Lord." When I first read this, my thought was "Did I do something foolish to cause this attack 11 years ago?" I have thought of this alot because I know when the attack happened, I was in violation of some rules of the college. I used to think that because I put myself in that vulnerable position that it was somehow my fault. I have since realized that that is simply not true. I may have been in a vulnerable position but I was with a man I had known for a year and he, I thought, was a good and trusted friend. He was at fault, not me.
Anyway, getting back to the verse, after I figured all that out in my head the truth of the verse hit me. The verse was not talking about what happened 11 years ago, it was talking about what is happening now. Yes, it hurts and I am in pain, but that does not give me an excuse to attempt to abandon my Father. I don't know why He allowed this to happen and I certainly don't understand it and may never understand it. How can anyone give a reason for the evil in this world. The choices I am making now is what is important. Even if I don't feel like reading my Bible and praying, I must. My Bible has always been my lifeline and my prayer time with the Father has always been my strength. There is no one out there that loves me and cares for me more than my Heavenly Father. His heart also breaks when He sees me hurting. One of my favorite worship songs says: "I have a maker/ He formed my heart/ Before even time began/ My life was in His hands/ I have a maker/ He knows my name/ He sees each tear that falls/ And hears me when I call." Now is not the time for me to try and do this on my own. Now is the time that I cling to the One, the only One, that can actually heal my heart. He alone can walk me through this. He alone can soothe the wounds of my soul. He alone. "Father God, forgive me for being so foolish. Forgive me for taking my rage out on You. Hold me close. Heal my heart. Never let me forget that You are my Abba, my Daddy."

hope

one of these days i truly hope to write happiness in this blog. i started blogging at a really odd time in my life when my whole world had been flipped upside down. i am a very positive bubbly person in all reality. it's just that there are these dark things that i keep hidden far from the light where anyone can see. this blog is the only place i allow those things to be discovered. but i will continue on the journey and work through this whole thing and the darkness will eventually be brought to the light. then there will be hope again. there will be joy. then maybe this blog may begin to reflect more of who i really am, not just my pain. i hope.

the haunting august 1998

Why on the night before graduation? If it would have happened during the year, I probably would have eventually told someone and he would have been held accountable. There might have been some sort of justice. He certainly would not have been able to go on the next two years being hailed as a great guy. I actually have him as one of my friends on facebook. I guess my curiosity got the best of me and I wanted to see what had happened in his life since. And there he was. With a big goofy smile on his face. Oh, he has a great life. Cute kid, good wife, he's happy. And it makes my stomach turn a little.

go away
leave me alone
i don't want you here
i want you gone
go back to your place
back where you belong
hidden in the memories
of the recesses of my mind
i don't want to see you smile
i want you to know
know and understand
understand what you did to me
that one night
in one night you scarred my soul
you stole a piece of me
you
you did that
i will not blame myself
i did not give you permission
do i tell you?
do i remind you of what you did?
or do i let you smile
never realizing
going on with you perfect little life
never looking back
no i will not tell you
i will put you back in your place
never to consider you again
you are gone
you are dead
that night never really happened
you have not changed me
i will not give you that power
you and all those like you
never again
you will not see my pain
you will not see the tears in my eyes
i will not give you the privilege
i will not let you apologize
you don't get the choice to make things right
no more
so i say goodbye
goodbye to you
goodbye to the haunting
goodbye to the girl i once was
goodbye
you will never see me again

A girl I once knew

I have been thinking back lately to my college days (before that day from hell) and remembering the girl I once was and some of my dreams that I once had. So I thought I would jot them down before they are totally forgotten. Some of these things I'm glad I never did while others I still hope to do someday.
own a red Harley
own a Dodge Ram
dance on a bar
get a tattoo (did that but still want another)
go sunbathing on a nude beach
ride a mechanical bull
live in New York City
go to Ireland
get my naval pierced
camp out on the beach without a tent
fall passionately in love with an equally passionate man
go to Mardi Gras!
publish a book of poetry
go to a Gun N Roses concert (kinda hard to do since they don't really exist anymore!)
go stage diving
take a road trip with no destination in mind
buy a pair of Manolos!! (i will do that someday!)
go down the highway standing out of the sunroof of a fab car (did that one thanks to some boys from college)
shoot a gun
punch a certain man
do some serious rock climbing
get totally trashed one night with the man I love (i know that's a little odd)
go surfing

take off on a horse and ride with no thought of when I will return
sail
give away life-changing amounts of money anonymously
and that's all I can think of for now. I'm sure I will add more to this at a later date.
There is part of me that misses that carefree girl that I used to be. How I would dance and not care who may see. I would follow my heart. I took time to be amazed at the stars and the fresh fallen snow. I wouldn't worry about the rules necessarily. I experienced the world with all five senses. I was naive and foolish, but I was at peace. I loved life with everything within me. Now I have responsibilities and commitments, and I have learned not to be so trusting of people. I cage my heart and only allow the feeling that are beneficial or responsible. I am well aware that all my actions have consequences, usually negative it seems. Well, anyway, most of that list will never come to fruition, but some of those things I am determined to still do. That's all for now.

My eyes are burning but there is still too much on my mind to go to bed. Tonight I went to prayer meeting where my aunt goes to church. When we broke into groups to pray, she confided in me that my cousin is really struggling with her faith. The background is this: My aunt has five kids ranging in age from17 -27. They are all absolutely amazing kids. The kind of kids I hope my own children grow up to be. They love God with a passion and they are a very tight family. This past fall my uncle was diagnosed with cancer. Within in three months, this perfectly healthy man (he went surfing the week before he was diagnosed) died from this disease that ravaged his body. He was an amazing man of God and I miss him greatly. Anyway, because of this, my one cousin has really struggled with her spiritual walk. My aunt told me tonight that my cousin told her that she had not picked up her Bible in over two weeks. My heart broke inside of me. I prayed for her with my aunt and used words like "tragic, rocked to her core, shaken, hurt, tragedy, etc..." and urged God to hold her close as she worked through this. I actually cried for her tonight. And then it hit me. I'm the same girl. No, I have not lost a beloved father, but I did go through a tragedy. It may have been over a decade ago, but the memories were buried until two weeks ago. It is all so fresh in my mind. I have not picked up my Bible or prayed (unless for church or such) in over two weeks, and yet I feel it is almost justified. I cry out for her pain while rejecting my own. I am getting to the point that I want to start reading the Bible again, but I'm still so scared of prayer. Honest, let's talk about what's going on in my heart prayer. It's still those questions I have for Him. The why's I wrote about before. I really don't know if I want the answers. What happens when I get those answers? What if they are not good enough? I don't want to here anything about God's sovereinty or it will all make sense in Heaven. This pain is too real and way to deep to gloss over with your traditional Baptist pat answer. So for now I refuse to consider the questions or the answers. I'll work up to it eventually. If people only knew what this "good Christian girl" was thinking. This is why I have to go to a counselor that doesn't know me and not my pastor. I don't want someone who knows my family and they way they believe. I don't want someone who has already formed an opinion of me. Let me just dump my trash at their feet and let them think that this is all that I am. I'd like to keep this area of my life in a neat little box that doesn't interfere with my "reputation". Yes, I tire of being the quinessential poster child for the good Christian single mom always doing what's right for her kids. Don't get me wrong, I would do anything for my children. It's the rep that drives me nuts. People only see me in two dimentions because that's all they want to see of me. I don't even have a spouse that I can be totally open and honest with. Thus, I blog. I spill it all out for no one to read, but at least it is out of my head. Now maybe I can actually sleep a little. Maybe.

today

today i have felt almost normal. i am finally starting to sleep again, although i am staying up until i'm so exhausted i have no choice but to collapse in bed. my kids are doing well and they are laughing and playing, never knowing the demons raging inside of their mother. i found a great counselor and although she is expensive, my pastor is working on getting the church to cover the majority of the cost. part of me is glad that i will be going, the other part of me is afraid of the dark. the dark of digging up the death of a small part of me. i know that it will be good when all is said and done, but it will be a dark valley to walk through. i am trusting that God will give me the strength. i say that, but i am still struggling to read my Bible and pray. i don't really know why i'm staying away. i do know that when i pray, i journal my prayers and it is pretty much impossible to hide anything in prayer. maybe i believe that if i don't pray and open this up to God, then i don't have to ask the questions. questions like why did He even allow this to happen. i was following Him. after some seriously rough high school years i went to a two year Bible school. the night before my graduation is when it happened. after serving Him for two years and seeking His heart, that's when it happened. why then? what was it that made it the "right time"? i've never asked that question. and this was not some "heathen" man, it was a "good christian" guy. someone who was supposedly my friend. a dear friend. no wonder i have issues with trusting guys. no wonder i walked away from that and decided that God had no part of my relationship with men. why did He allow this? He knew my heart. He knew my spirit and that this would tear me apart. why would He let this happen? i don't understand and i don't want to be asking these questions. because what are the answers? what can anyone possibly say to make all of this okay? who needs a counselor when i can blog. i know i still need to go, but this blogging is definetly helping me to sort through some things in my own mind. especially since i'm afraid to pray. i'm exhausted again and i'm getting yet another headache from thinking about all of this. time to go back into the reality i've created for myself.

valentine's day-is it really a coincidence it comes right after friday the 13th this year?

is it a negative thing that on valentine's day i'm putting out matches on the chocolate covered strawberries that some crazy guy that has a crush on me gave me? i'm guessing so.

numb

I feel very numb today. As if I'm on autopilot. I'm sitting here looking around the house, knowing all the work that needs to be done. I need to be cleaning. I need to start baking. I have a dinner party tonight and I'm providing the desserts. I have just over six hours before I have to be there and yet I cannot get myself motivated to start baking. I love to bake. But today, I just want to go back to bed. Why did these memories come back? Why now? After 11 years of blissful denial, why now? This will get easier, won't it? I need to believe that. I just want to fall asleep. Why can't I just go back to denying all of this. Why can't I just erase this week or that night for that matter? It will get better. It has to. It can't get any worse. So for now, I'll keep moving on autopilot. Doing what needs to be done, while my eyes burn with emotion and my heart refuses to beat. I will still be that good girl that everything is wonderful for. What choice do I have?

wounds

I am so raw. I knew that God was starting this journey with me. That He wanted me to surrender it all and stop trying to control everything. I knew that He was beginning to open my eyes to things that I had some how never seen before. He was poking and prodding around in my soul bringing to light things I had long since buried. This past weekend He starting poking around in places that I was not comfortable with. Things that I held too close to my heart. Things that I hold dear. It hurt a bit, but I knew it was for the best. And even if I didn't want to see it, I needed to. I accepted the truth He revealed to me and kept going. Then yesterday He went too far. He took His knife and cut way down into my soul. He opened up wounds in me that I had long ago tried to ignore. I have spent a decade denying that these wounds even existed and now here He was digging at them, bringing them to light. The pain overwhelmed me and it is still coming in waves. In my head I know that these are things I need to deal with, but so much of me wants a quick retreat. I want to scream, "You've gone too far! This is off limits, even to You!" I want to shut down and go back to denying anything ever happened. That this is all part of a bad dream. Right now, I want to curl up and go back to bed. I don't want to face this. I don't want to walk down this road. I know that if I do, the pain is only beginning. I don't want to believe that this has affected me at all. I want to pretend that none of this has ever happened. I want to scream. I want to run. I want to cry. I want to drink. I do not want to pray. I don't want to pick up my Bible. I don't want to talk to anyone about anything. I want to just shut down. But I know that I can't. If for no other reason than I have two children depending on me. I must keep going. But do I really have to face this? Do I really need to finally deal with this pain? I know that I must. I know that even though there is pain right now, and that there will be more pain in the future, I know that I have to take this on. If I don't, I will never be able to heal these wounds. I don't even know where to begin. The thought of talking to someone brings on such shame. I'm supposed to be a good Christian girl with a wonderful little family. This kind of evil does not belong in my world. Yet, it is here and I must face it. Part of me is so numb right now, which is a relief. My eyes burn in weariness. I want to just lay my head down and sleep. But I won't. I have slept for 11 years. I have let this put a cloud on my otherwise joyful soul for way too long. So what do I do? I make a call. Despite the pain. Despite the shame. I will make that call. If God wants to bring all this out, then so be it. I will deal with it. But He will have to carry me through this. I cannot stand. I cannot walk. But I can make that call. Please God, have him ready to listen and understand. He is my pastor, and he is there for me to go to about anything, but he will never expect me to say these things. Give me the strength I need to get through this first step. Don't abandon me now.

from baby steps to skipping

Two weeks ago on Friday, I felt as though God was really tugging on my heart. Little did I know what He had in store. For several months prior to that Friday, I had grown content. Being content is a wonderful thing to achieve in every area except your spritual walk. I had become content with being a "good" Christian. I pretty much sailed through life doing what I knew I ought without much thought as to where I was going. I took my time each morning to read the Word and spend time in prayer, but then I would go on about my day never giving serious consideration to what I had just read. It's like in James1:23-24 "For if you just listen and don't obey, it is like looking at your face in a mirror but doing nothing to improve your appearance. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like." I kinda figured I had it all under control. Life was good! I was pleased with my life. However, God was not. During this time of looking in the mirror daily and just walking away, the Holy Spirit began to shine the light on that mirror. I began getting this gnawing feeling that there was more out there that I was missing. Around the New Year, I sat down and really thought back over the past few years and how I've changed. At first I was pretty pleased. I had been through some tough times, but God had brought me through and my relationship with Him had grown stronger because of it. I learned things about myself and my God that I had never known before. So I gave myself a little pat on the back. But the Holy Spirit would not let me get away with just a quick glance in the mirror. Over the next several days, I began to look into that mirror a little deeper. Sure, I could compare myself to myself a few years back and feel like I was doing okay, but what would happen when I compared myself to the Word of God? Then that Friday morning I had read Proverbs 16:9 which states, "We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps." I have read that verse I'm sure over a hundred times, but that day it really stuck in my mind. Then as I was stuck in the wonderful traffic, I was listening to the radio and they were talking about patience. They were giving suggestions on what to do when you were made to wait to avoid being impatient. They specifically mentioned if you were stuck in traffic, to spend that time in prayer. I decided to turn off the radio at that point and I started praying aloud (much to the amusement I'm sure to those in the cars next to me!). God brought Proverbs 16:9 to my mind again and it just kept replaying in my mind. ". . .the LORD determines our steps." Then the I realized what it was He had been trying to tell me: baby steps. Yes, I had grown the past few years and had become closer with my Lord, but it had all been baby steps. It's like God was leading me down this path and I was willingly going, but I was tiptioeing the whole way. I was headed in the right direction, but I was holding back as well. At that moment I said out loud "No more baby steps." I felt like God was wanting me to surrender and trust that He would bring me to the place He wanted and needed me to be. I felt like He had these amazing plans for me and I was like a toddler hanging on to her daddy's hand dragging my feet. It was very clear that He just wanted me to stop trying to control everything and just rest in the fact that He knew exactly where He was leading me and it would be what was best for not only me, but my children as well. There is a song by Travis Cottrell that I have always loved that sums up what I was feeling at that moment. "On the edge of something new and brave; every breath is another step of faith; part of me still likes the ground where I feel safe and sound; but You push me, pull me and I finally let go; You have Your reasons; falling, falling, I am falling into the heart of Someone so much stronger; falling, falling, into love." I felt this immediate release and pure peace come over me. I was done taking baby steps, I was ready to just jump in. By the end of the day, I was unemployed. Didn't see that coming! Yet, I was still at peace. I knew God was in control and He had a plan. I thought I was done. I had surrendered everything to Him and I was at peace. Little did I know that He was just beginning. The past two weeks He has pretty much ripped away any preconceptions I had about where He may have been leading me. I feel like I'm reading the Bible for the first time all over again. Even when I thought I had surrendered everything, I still had my little holdouts that I was sure He would be okay with. I am finding now, that I need to stop peering down the path and start looking up into His eyes instead. Even when I stopped dragging my feet, I was still trying to figure out what the grand plan was. He took it all away. The distractions, the control, everything I thought I needed and was so very important. And some of that hurt. I was left with nothing to look to except into His eyes. I've realized that sometimes it goes beyond surrender, He needs us broken as well. I had been looking around the web at a couple of different churches that friends are either leading or involved in and I came across an article written by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Something she wrote stuck out to me. She said, "The heart that has been emptied of itself and broken of its willfulness and resistance, is the heart that will experience the filling and the reviving of our glorious, holy God, Who humbled Himself, that He might lift us up." That is what I want! I want to be out of control. I want to gleefully take my Father's hand and skip down the path He has for me, all the while looking up into His eyes and seeing the overwhelming love and sacrifice He has for me. After all, He not only knows the journey ahead, He knows the destination as well.

Today

I have never blogged before but a friend of mine shared his experience with blogging (the good and the bad), so I thought I'd give it a try. I'm not sure what to expect except that this will be like a digital diary for me. I hope to remain anonymous so that I can voice what is on my heart and soul without fear of judgment. So I never plan to reveal anything about myself beyond my thoughts. I used to write alot, but became discouraged by people constantly wanting to state their opinions on things that had nothing to do with them. Writing has always been a release for me. Unfortunately, I allowed myself to become distracted with life itself and stopped taking the time to absorb all that was happening around me. Case in point today. This afternoon I was with a friend and something triggered memories from my past that I had refused to think about for a very long time. I did not take the time at the moment to examine what had happened and instead I kept everything inside convincing myself that everything would be okay if I just kept moving on. Little did I know that a decade later, it would all come rushing back and literally make me so weak I could not stand. As I finally allowed the tears to flow after ten years of denying them, a realization came over me. No matter how much I tried to deny what had happened, it DID happen and it DID greatly affect me. I finally began to see how not only that moment but two other moments where connected though they took place years apart and involved different people. It was like scales had been lifted from my eyes and I could see it all clearly for the very first time. I had been deeply hurt. And it was not my fault. I had not caused this pain. I should not feel guilty or ashamed for what someone else did. Even now as I write this, I am fighting to keep myself from shaking. This very powerful revelation has brought me to my knees. After years of denial, I am finally ready to face what happened. It will be hard, but it is necessary. So today I take the first step and admit what happened. He attacked me. He pinned me to the ground. The weight and strength of his body suffocated me. He tore my shirt. He pulled and tugged my jeans. I said no over and over again. My fear overwhelmed me. My friend, my confidant for over a year, was hurting me. He thought only of himself and showed a hatred towards me. A man that I had trusted and loved, betrayed me in every imaginable way. And yes, I was able to get away before he did everything he wanted to do, but that does not lessen the pain. That does not minimize the terror I felt, the helplessness that washed over me, or the evil he displayed that night. There is no excuse. And there will never be any justice. But I refuse to let him hide in the darkness anymore. I will face what he did. I will scream. I will cry. And eventually I will heal. I have always refused to speak about this with anyone. But today, I pour this out on a screen to all the world, though no one will probably ever read it. But for me, I release the power that this has had on me for the last 11 years. Today I will be free.

This One Place

I don't want to be here
Yet I continue
A tears fall
I push down hard on the gas pedal
trying to keep up
This drive is long
and I know not where I'm going
Yet I do know my final destination
That one place
The place I never wanted to see
Not is this way
My mind goes numb
and for a moment my heart stops
as the tears dry to my cheeks
I focus on the bumper ahead of me
We slow
We enter
We stop
We have arrived
Arrived at this one place

1997
RIP S.B.

June, 1996

The young woman shivered and held herself tighter.
She was curled in a ball on the ground,
in the middle of a
dark and damp forest.
She was naked and abused.
Defiant tears cursed her precious cheeks
as she looked at me with hollow eyes.
"I am not a victim," she said.
"I will not be a victim.
I am too strong.
I am independent."
A disfigured man appeared behind a tree.
He stepped forward and her eyes filled with fear.
But she wiped away her tears
and stood her fragile body up.
She squared her thin shoulders.
He grinned at her and stepped up to her.
She did nothing.
He threw her to the ground and tore off his clothes.
He came down upon her
and thrust his penis into her worn vagina.
He groaned in ecstasy.
She let a few tears slip,
but her mouth was silent.
I felt her pain as he finally let go of her.
He put his clothes back on
and turned to glance at her once again.
"You were good, Bitch."
And he spit at her.
She crawled into a ball and began to shiver again.
"Who was he?" I asked.
"A friend."
"But you didn't want to."
"No, but he did though.
I don't want to hurt him."
And silence fell.
Then she lifter her head with tears glistening on her cheeks.
"I will not be a victim."
Another man appeared close by.
She rose at his silent command.
As he fucked her,
my heart broke.
She loved others too much.
She gave of herself too freely.
She was a victim.
And then I broke into tears.
I leaned against a tree for support
but was pulled to the ground.
I curled up into a ball as I realized,
that girl was me.

Taboo

I am the taboo
I crossed the line carved in stone
I am an unpardonable sin
My mind, my emotion, my will
They are all evil
I can't share what I feel
I will be banned
I cannot go to woman
I cannot go to man
No, I cannot even go to God
I crawl into myself
I pretend it's not there
You are supposed to be the good people.
You are supposed to care.
"They will know you are my disciples
by your love."
Your love
Love is an action
Love is forgiving
Love is opening your arms to my hurt
I know I am wrong
I want your help
Don't just accept my pain
Tell me the truth
but don't sacrifice my bleeding soul
on the alter of righteousness,
godliness
piety.
If you want to be godly, love
God is love
God is truth
Find the blend between the two
Until I see this in you
I will fade into the night
I will silently slip into non-existent cracks
Realize I'm here and love me
I you don't learn how to love
you will break this family apart
We will all become islands
Separated by the ocean of fear.
Dare to open your eyes
Dare to cross the line and believe
Dare to reach out to the taboo
Dare to love
Don't send me away
Don't give me a plastic smile
and pat answers
Don't tell me you'll pray for me
if all you're going to pray is for God's judgement on me.
Don't shake your head at me
when you think I'm not looking
Hold my hand
Cry my tears
Go with me into the presence of God.
I am scared
I am hurting
I need your love
Learn to love the taboo
Learn to love the sinner
and yet hate the sin
Learn it
Live it
Practice it
in word
action
and soul
Love me
That's all I ask
Simply love me
Love the unlovable
Christ would and did
He loved you


Romans 5:7-8 "Very rarely will anyone die for a good man, though for a very righteous man someon might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."